Talking under the Influence
by Emz89
Summary: It's been a year since Catherine blew up the Lab, and Sara has been finding it hard to cope. She has become destructive.
1. Waking

Set a year after the lab explosion, Sara finds herself destructive and in need of help.

Usual Disclaimer, None of it is mine. This is a reworking of one of my earlier stories that I didn't know how to finish, so I've decided to start over with it.

Enjoy

Emz

Sara awoke with a thick head and the feeling of regret. She hadn't been asleep long, but she knew she had to get up and leave. Moving slowly so as not to wake the person next to her, Sara rose trying to piece the night together, and what had bought her here. She knew that she had been drinking heavily again in a bar near where she lived, she went there so often now the bartender didn't even have to ask what she wanted. She knew her behaviour was destructive, but at the moment, in these past few weeks, she didn't care.

Looking over towards the bed Sara happily noted that the man was still asleep, she was grateful as she didn't want to have that conversation. It was easier for her that way, after the way Hank had treated her she didn't want a relationship, but it didn't stop her need for sexual affection. Even for Sara though this was a new low, it was the 6th person she'd slept with in the past few weeks, and she didn't normally sleep around so much.

Gathering her clothes Sara left the bedroom. She dressed in the living room, gathered the rest of her items and before leaving gulped down a pint of water, hoping that by now it had stopped raining so she could walk back to the bar to pick up her car. After her DUI a few months ago Sara had been more careful about drinking and driving, she didn't want to lose her job, but she hadn't cut back on the drinking. She just thought she covered it up better.

It was about 5 in the morning, the sky was in between deciding if it was night or day, and there was still a light drizzle. Looking around to figure out exactly where she was, and where she needed to go, Sara started walking back towards the bar. There weren't many cars about at this time in the morning which made the walk back easier for Sara, it was quieter and her head was still pounding from the drinks. As she was walking her hand involuntarily rested on her stomach just below her belly button, and she absentmindedly rubbed it in a soothing motion.

At last Sara reached the bar, but before she could reach her car she heard someone calling her name

'Sara, Hey, I thought it was your night off?' turning Sara saw the last person she wanted to see right now, Catherine Willows

'What, oh.. um, yeah' she mumbled 'it is'

'What are you doing here then?' the older CSI asked

'I um, left my car here…' Sara didn't finish the sentence, hoping Catherine would understand what she was trying to say without saying it.

'Oh, ok' Catherine replied, though a little confused, Sara had come walking down from the direction of the strip, when she knew she lived in the opposite direction 'rough night eh?' Catherine added

Nodding Sara said yes, but couldn't bring herself to look at Catherine. It still hurt to be around her sometimes, and especially today, and in the situation she found herself in.

'What are you doing her anyways?' Sara managed to say after composing herself a little

'Bar fight and robbery…Look, do you know anything about it Sara, you know…seeming as you were here earlier?' Catherine tried to keep her voice even and unaccusing. She could see that Sara was tired and hung over from drinking too much. Catherine had noticed more and more lately the bags under Sara's eyes, the lack of concentration in the younger CSI and the constant supply of mints and chewing gum, but she hadn't said anything about it. She hadn't wanted to know, and it hadn't affected how Sara worked too much, so she had let it go. Catherine had found ways to cope with stress in the past that were worse than drinking anyway, so she hadn't felt like figuring out the younger women's problems.

'I, um, I'm not sure' Sara sighed and leant on her car 'I, don't remember hearing anything, but, to be honest..' Sara slumped a little more 'I don't remember much, I don't even remember leaving… I um… I left with someone you see, and um, yeah..' at this point Sara's eyes were closed, and her hand was once again on her stomach even if she wasn't aware of it.

'Ok, ok, don't worry' Catherine put her hand on Sara's arm gingerly 'Look, I'm nearly done here, why don't you sit in my car, and I can drive you home as soon as I'm finished, we can get one of the officers to drive the evidence back to the Lab in your car ready for later'

'No, no it's…' Sara started

'No, it's not fine or whatever you were going to say Sara, your still hung over and something is clearly getting to you, now sit in my car and just wait' Catherine said in a firm a voice as she could without sounding too nasty or judgemental. Sara slowly nodded and handed her keys to Catherine, and moved towards the older women's car. Opening the backseat Sara got in, and realising just how tired she was, and how right Catherine's words has been too, she put her head back against the cold leather seats and closed her eyes.

Sometime later Sara was aware of the car door opening, she must have nodded off. Catherine got in to the car without saying a word, buckled up, and then started to drive. She had never been to Sara's apartment before, but she knew where she lived, so hadn't needed to ask directions. 20 minutes later they pulled up and both Catherine and Sara got out of the car.

'Do you wanna talk about it?' Catherine asked once they reached the front door.

'Nope. No, No I don't' Sara mumbled 'Besides, you've got the bar case to work' Sara really didn't need any questions right now, not today, not like this, and not from Catherine. Catherine who had caused her more pain then she knew, and had thrown her whole life upside down from one accident. Of course, Catherine knew nothing about this, only one other person knew just what Sara had gone through, and now Sara never spoke to them

Smiling sheepishly Catherine said ' I pulled some strings, and handed the case over… I didn't really think I should let you drive, and I didn't want to leave you here alone either…'

'Oh..' Sara didn't really know what to say, so she just opened the door and walked into her apartment. She gestured for Catherine to follow her inside, not currently trusting herself to speak.

Catherine took in the small apartment, it was nicely decorated with purple walls and good furniture, but she could tell it wasn't lived in much, and was in need of a clean. There were beer bottles on the table, empty take-away containers, post piled up, and laundry on one of the chairs.

'Want a drink?' Sara offered, automatically getting herself a beer despite the hour and the situation.

'Yes, but not alcohol… coffee?' Sara nodded again, keeping her head low, and after taking one sip of beer decided that, as hard as it was to admit, perhaps Catherine was right, and so she poured the rest of the beer down the sink and made a pot of coffee

'What's going on Sara?' Catherine asked as she sat down at the table on one of the only free chairs she could see. Sara didn't answer, her eyes were closed and a tear had escaped one of them

'Sara?' Catherine said softly making to get up and walk over towards the younger women. Sara shook her head and put a hand up indicating for Catherine to stay where she was. Despite herself Sara smiled and speaking very quietly whispered 'Remember when you blew up the lab?'

Catherine frowned, of course she remembered, how could she have forgotten the damage it had caused, not only to the lab, but to several members of the team, especially Greg Sanders and Sara. 'Yeah, I'll never forget'

'I was hurt in the explosion..' 'I know' Catherine cut in. 'No, you don't' Sara snapped turning her back on the women, ignoring the coffee pot that was now ready.

'Sara?' Catherine said weakly, this time she did get up and walked over to the brunette 'Sara, what happened?' She gently placed her arm on Sara's back, ignoring the flinch she felt. She could feel that the women was crying and shaking with anger, and noticed that one hand was holding on to the sink, holding the women up it seemed, whilst the other rested on her stomach.

'Remember Hank?'

Catherine started to speak, wanting to know why Sara had suddenly changed topics, but before she could get much out Sara started speaking again.

'It's funny, you know, he wasn't at all what I wanted, but he was the only person that seemed interested, so I took it, you know. Anyone was better than no one. It really hurt when I found out he'd been cheating on me all that time.'

Sara didn't know why she was opening up, why the words were coming out so freely, but now that she had started she didn't want to stop. She should have talked about all of this a year ago when it had first happened. Perhaps then she wouldn't have had such a problem with drinking and sleeping around. Once again Catherine tried to speak, but was cut off by Sara

'You know, the lab explosion happened a year ago today?'

'I know, I .. I'm sorry' Catherine managed to say 'I know I caused a lot of damage..'

Sara shook her head again, and turned around so she was face to face with Catherine, only inches away from her she had a look of absolute anger in her eyes, and for a moment Catherine was scared.

'I was pregnant!' Sara spat out, and pushing the older women away from her with force Sara stormed out of her own apartment, leaving Catherine there alone with a tear falling down her cheek.


	2. A new case

Catherine couldn't stop herself crying, and she didn't know what to do. She wanted to go after Sara, to apologise for the damage she had caused, but she was also scared of what might happen. The anger she had seen in the brunettes eyes hadn't just been from what had happened after the explosion, but had been directed at her. Now that Catherine knew, in some ways it explained a lot about the other women's behaviours and attitude, but Catherine didn't know why Sara had kept it to herself for so long, or what to do now, so she stayed where she was, crying alone in the younger women's apartment.

She didn't know how long she'd been there, but eventually her phone rang, and drying her eyes and clearing her throat, Catherine answered, knowing it was work.

Sara stormed out of her own apartment, angry and upset, scared and confused. She had never wanted anyone to know that had happened after the lab had exploded a year ago, let alone Catherine, but now that it had come out she didn't know how she felt. Sara wanted another drink, needed something to help drive her into another pit of thoughtless darkness, but in her haste to leave her own apartment she hadn't picked up her purse, and therefor had no money. The only bar near her that would allow her a Tab was now a crime scene, so she couldn't go there. She knew she couldn't go back into her apartment either, not whilst Catherine was still there. Wiping the tears away from her cheek in anger she walked towards the crime lab knowing she could grab a change of clothes and a shower there before starting her shift early. With all the drinking she had been doing lately, she needed to work whatever hours she could to make enough money to pay the bills.

Just over an hour later, changed and slightly refreshed, she knocked on Conrad's door. Although he wasn't her supervisor, she knew that day shift were currently short staffed, and wanted to know if he wanted help on any cases.

'Hey Ecklie' Sara said with a small smile

'Sidle..' Ecklie replied with a slight frown not knowing why Sara was here, and especially so early in the day.

'I um, I was wondering if you needed any help with cases…seeing as your short at the moment?'

'Oh, um, yes, please' Ecklie replied 'Thanks, actually, that would be great. I've just had a call about an explosion out at Henderson, I was on my way out, but as your offering, and I've got paperwork…' Conrad passed a slip of paper on it to Sara.

Taking it Sara nodded several times; grateful to be working, but finding it hard to know she was dealing with an explosion 'Thanks…'

'Ok…' Conrad said noticing that Sara had turned a slight shade paler 'Do you want me to call in someone to help you with this?' Conrad didn't know why he had asked, but before he could change his mind Sara nodded quickly 'Catherine. You could call Catherine' before anything more could be said Sara walked away from the office and towards the locker room to grab her kit before heading to reception to get her keys for the car, hoping that Wendy the receptionist wouldn't ask too many questions.

'Willows' Catherine answered after a moment of trying to compose herself before answering the phone

'It's Ecklie… Look, Dayshift are swamped, and I need you to work a case'

'It's my day off…' Catherine started, but was interrupted

'I know, but there's been an explosion in Henderson, and Sara has asked for your help' Conrad said in a firm voice

'Oh… Ok…' Catherine sighed, pinching her nose, her head dropped to her chest 'Text me the address, I'll head right over'

'Thanks' Conrad replied before hanging up. A moment later Catherine's phone beeped, and pulling herself together after splashing some water on her face, Catherine stepped out of Sara's apartment and towards her car.

Arriving at the scene Catherine stepped out of her car, although the fire from the explosion had been put out, there was still a thick fog of smoke, and Catherine couldn't help but feel annoyed, knowing the scene would be wet and ruined due to the fire-fighters dousing of water. Talking briefly to the cop on the scene to get a little more information, she looked for Sara. She didn't really know what to expect, what mood she would be in, what state of intoxication she would find. When she finally found Sara in the now blackened and destroyed kitchen, she was surprised to find the younger women calm and refreshed, focused. Her clothes had been changed, and Sara was taking photos of the scene.

'Hey… Conrad said you needed help?' Catherine said quietly trying not to scare the other women

'Hey' Sara replied no hint of emotion in her voice, although her shoulders relaxed a little, even though she hadn't been aware she was tense. 'Thanks for coming, I haven't long been here, but it looks like the oven caused this, but I won't be sure until we process a bit more and the fire marshal gives his report'

Catherine nodded 'Ok.. Any casualties?'

Sara shrugged 'Not exactly, no… The owners were in the living room, luckily on the other side of the house, but they were injured. One of them broke their arm… Landed funny trying to protect their unborn baby…'

Catherine sighed, a hundred different sentences filling her head, cramming her mouth to get out, but nothing escaped, instead she hunk her head down, not trusting herself to look at Sara right now. After a moment she gained a little composure 'Where do you want me to start?' Although she ranked higher than Sara and normally called the shots on cases, she knew today wasn't the day to pull seniority.

The two CSIs had spent a few hours at the scene, gathering evidence, listening to the statements. They had been cooking, and had started arguing, and having left the kitchen with the oven still on they had continued arguing until the explosion had made them stop. It looked to be a fairly open and shut case, a bad accident, rather than foul play, but that didn't mean they could stop processing the evidence all together.

Back at the lab Catherine and Sara handed in all of the evidence to the relative departments, and then walked into the break room for a coffee

'Are you ok?' Catherine asked when she saw the room was empty

'Fine' Sara replied, pouring two cups of coffee and passing one to Catherine. Although it still hurt every day, although the anger was still there, Sara didn't have the energy to deal with it, or the look in Catherine's eyes. She was far from fine, but she didn't know what to say, or what to do.

Catherine tried to say something, almost reaching out to touch Sara's arm, but Sara took a pace back

'Look, we can't do anything until the results on our evidence are back, you've got paperwork, and I need to sleep…' Sara started walking out of the break room, Catherine following her. 'Sara, please…'

Shaking her head Sara started to say she was fine again, when a figure at the reception desk caught her eye and she faltered. Catherine looked up towards the desk, and saw who was there.

Sara quickly walked towards the desk, Catherine following closely behind. 'Hank, what are you doing here?' Sara spat out.

'I wanted to see you… to see how you were…' Hank said, a hand running though his hair.

'I'm fine…' Sara spat out

'I know what day it is…' Hank replied, anger and tiredness creeping into his voice 'I know you're not fine… '

Sara turned away slightly, hands clenching, she didn't want to make a scene where everyone could see her, so she did the only thing she could in that moment, and turned, almost pleadingly to Catherine, hoping that the older women would take charge of the situation without the need for her to ask for help.

'Look, Hank, we're busy, Sara and I have a lot of work to do, you should go' Catherine said as calmly and as quietly as she could.

Shaking his head in disbelief, Hank muttered a fine, and turned on his heels and walked away.

Catherine looked up at Sara, wanting to say something, but Sara had also turned and was walking quickly in the opposite direction.

Wendy the receptionist asked what the little interaction had been about, and snapping slightly Catherine said she didn't know, and turned walking away to her own office. Clearly Sara needed space right now, even if she had been the one to ask for Catherine's help on the case, she clearly didn't want to indulge anymore on her confession earlier that morning.


	3. Rose

Sara had walked towards the locker room, hoping that Catherine had the sense not to follow her. She really wanted to leave, to drink, and even though she was currently working voluntary overtime, she knew it would look bad. Deciding to catch up on paperwork, Sara grabbed what she needed and headed to the disused layout room at the back of the building, hoping that nobody would come to find her.

When the start of her proper shift started, Sara got up and walked towards the break room, knowing she would have to brace herself to be around people once more, and to be around Catherine, knowing that there would be pity in her eyes.

Catherine, Nick, Warrick and Greg were waiting in the room, Grissom would be there shortly with the evening's cases. Sara walked straight to the coffee pot, not even saying hello, and luckily no one paid any attention, although Catherine had started to only half listen to whatever Greg was saying to stare at Sara. Having noticed, Greg was about to say something, but at that point Grissom walked in.

'Evening all' He said before jumping into business 'Nick, there's a B and E at one of the Hotel rooms on the strip' He passed a piece of paper over 'Warrick, DB at the Creek, take Greg with you' He handed over another piece of paper 'And Catherine, there is a RTA on the outskirts of town' He handed out the last piece of paper

'And for me?' Sara asked 'And for you Sara, you get the night off, Ecklie told me you'd come in earlier and worked a case, so unless you've got paperwork, you're free to go'

'What?' Catherine spat out 'I came in too! Why Can't I go?'

'Because' Grissom said turning to her, brow furrowed 'Sara has pulled the most overtime this month, and you're the one with more RTA experience' He turned to Sara 'So, Paperwork?'

Sara shook her head 'Nope, all done' she said with a small but forced smile on her lips 'I guess I'm out of here then! See ya!' She said whilst walking towards the door.

Catherine stood up and followed Sara, she knew the younger women would be heading to the locker room to grab her things, and she ignored Grissom trying to talk to her, she needed to speak to Sara before she left the building. She wished she'd done it sooner, but had got so overwhelmed with evidence and paperwork, and talking to Ecklie and the various members of the crime lab, she hadn't realised where the time had gone too until she saw Nick turn up and realised it was the start of her proper shift.

Catherine reached the room just after Sara did 'Hey, Sara, wait a minute'

The younger women had already reached her locker and was grabbing what she needed out of it, and didn't respond to or acknowledge the older women.

'Sara' Catherine said again with more force. With this the brunette turned around 'What?' She spat back. She had been feeling volatile all night, had regretted the way she had exposed her miscarriage, and the fact that she had been the one to ask for Catherine's help on the case, and now she had pent up anger inside her that only alcohol and a strangers lips would fix.

'I'm sorry… I'm really, really sorry' Catherine said quietly, trying not to shout back or to flinch at the hatred in Sara's eyes. She hoped she didn't need to explain exactly what she was sorry for, and was too ashamed to look the brunette in the eyes.

'Whatever… I really can't do this at the moment' Sara forced out, making to push past the women.

'Wait..' Catherine grabbed her arm as Sara pushed past, but Sara forcefully pulled it away 'Don't touch me! Don't ever touch me!' Sara hissed under her breath, and with that she stormed out, leaving Catherine once again in tears.

Sara had been aching all night, to drink, to do something reckless, to do anything but think, so rather than heading to her car, she called for a cab to take her to one of the nightclubs on the other side of town. Although she was hurting, she was still sensible enough to not risk another DUI, and she knew she would be drinking very very heavily that night.

She had been at the club for just over an hour and had already had two beers, and was contemplating whether to have a third, or something stronger, when a younger, slim, and blonde women caught her eye at the end of the bar. The woman was wearing a short purple dress, her hair in a mess of thin dreadlocks, and she had punk leather boots on. Sara couldn't immediately tell if the woman had company, but deciding she didn't care, ordered two more drinks, this time martini cocktails, and walked over to the women.

'Hi' she said with a smile 'Hey' the women replied with a sensual and easy smile

'Fancy a drink?' Sara asked, raising the glass towards her. The younger woman shrugged 'Sure, why not' and she took it, and drank it on one. 'Another?' she asked with a grin, and Sara, catching the attention of the barman, asked for some more. 'I'm Sara' she said whilst passing another drink

'Rose' the blonde replied, whilst leaning forward to kiss Sara on the cheek in an obviously flirtatious way. 'Thanks for the drink' Sara nodded, grinning; this was exactly what she needed.

Rose and Sara talked and drank for a while, and then Rose dragged Sara on to the dance floor. Sara wasn't normally one for dancing, but after all of the drinking, and the sensual way Rose had kept touching her arm as they spoke, Sara wanted to be as close to her as possible, and knew that dancing was the best way to do so.

When Sara awoke, her head was heavy and painful, her mouth dry. She really had outdone herself with the drinking. She remembered talking and dancing with Rose, even leaving with her, but hadn't remembered reaching Roses place. She looked over to the sleeping woman, and saw scratches on her back, that Sara supposed she had put there, but couldn't remember. She knew that they had had sex, but she could barely remember which was a shame, because under different circumstances she might have let the Rose see her again. Sara moved, careful to as not to wake her from her heavy sleep, and winced when she noticed graze marks on her knuckles. It was something else that she couldn't remember, but she didn't really care.

Slipping her clothes back on, Sara slipped out of the room, and realised she was in a hotel. She now vaguely remembered arriving, and booking the room, but in whose name, she didn't know. She didn't even know what Hotel she was in. Heading towards the elevator, she realised she was in one of the hotels owned by Sam Braughn, and by default Catherine. Great she thought, just perfect.

Sara knew she was far from her house, and the lab, and that any taxi that picked her up would charge and arm and leg for the journey, so Sara punched the wall in frustration, adding to the grazes on her knuckles

'Ma'am, you can't do that' a busboy said, Sara glared at him.

'ma'am, please. You can't.. look, why don't I call you a cab?' the boy said taking half a step back, he could clearly see that Sara was still drunk.

Sara shook her head 'Who's in charge here?' She asked, the busboy was confused, but answered 'The owner is a Mrs Willows, if that's what you mean…'

'Yeah, that's what I mean.' Sara said sighing slightly, punching the wall again 'Ma'am…' the boy said again 'I'm going to have to call security'

Sara shook her head 'Nope, call Catherine, tell her… tell her there's a drunk crab walking around destroying the place… about to explode. Those exact words, tell her that, she'll know what you mean, she'll come running.' Sara really didn't know why she said it, why she was acting the way she was, and the busboy was far too scared and confused to argue with her, so he dialled the number he knew he was only supposed to use in an emergency.

'Willows' Catherine answered, having looked at the caller ID but not recognising the number, but having a vague feeling it was a work number from the hotel. She listened, not knowing what to say, how to respond, and eventually said 'Ok, thanks… I'll come straight over…Um, take her up to my quarters'' With that she hung up, and without even asking Grissom if it was ok to leave, left the building.


	4. Vodka

Sara stood slouching against the wall, half listening to the busboys conversation with Catherine. She felt sick because of the alcohol, and embarrassed because of the scene she had caused. There was adrenaline running through her, making her more reckless than normal, and right now all she could think of was directing some of her anger and emotions at the women who had inadvertently driven her to this place.

'Ma'am, would you come with me please?' The busboy spoke, still an edge of wariness in his voice 'Uh, Mrs Willows, my Boss, has asked me to escort you to her quarters… She's on her way over'

Sara nodded her head slightly in agreement; glad that it appeared Catherine had understood the message. The reference of calling herself a crab was due the her surname, it was how crabs moved. She was glad that Catherine had understood, but now she was angrier than ever, whilst also being frightened about what would happen when Catherine arrived.

Catherine's quarters were on the 6th floor, one floor above where Sara had been previously.

'If you could wait in here, I'm sure she won't be long' the busboy said opening the door. Sara stepped in and couldn't help but whistle, the suite was impressive. Sara saw the smart mahogany desk, the oversized leather sofa, the double doors leading to the bedroom. It was both a place to relax in, and a place to work in Sara realised. Catherine's second office, second job and home.

Throwing herself on to the sofa, Sara rubbed her head, she really had drank a lot, but she didn't normally have such a bad headache, not so soon anyway. Something caught her eye, and another smile played on her lips. There was a minibar. Deciding to no longer care, Sara got up, opened it, and seeing the Vodka in it, she opened it and began drinking straight from the bottle.

'Mrs Willows, Thanks… I'm Neil, the busboy that called you' Neil looked nervous, he had never met his official boss before, knowing that Catherine normally left most of the hotel business to one of the managers.

'Hi' Catherine said, extending her hand and shaking his 'Thanks for calling me directly. What happened?'

'Um, well, I'd just come up on the elevator, and was heading to room 513, when I heard a bang, and realised someone had punched the wall. I tried telling her to stop, and that's when she told me to phone you, with that cryptic message. Looked like she was coming from one of the rooms, 520, 521 maybe?'

'Ok, thanks Neil…' Catherine forced a smile 'I'll sort it' She walked away, and opened the door to her quarters.

She didn't know what she would find, how she would feel, how she would react.

Catherine had been feeling rough all night, had wanted to run out of the building, away from her crime scene all night, had wanted to talk to Sara. She also knew that if she had, she would risk having another incident in her work file, or that she would make the situation with Sara worse. Her anger had been bubbling over all night about the whole messy situation, and her fuse was extremely short. When the phone call had come through, it had finally blown, and Catherine had left the crime lab immediately. The drive had calmed her only a little, but now she was here it had bubbled up again, and had reached breaking point as she opened the door, and seethed yet more when she saw the sight in front of her.

Sara was lying on the large sofa, a nearly empty bottle of Vodka on the floor next to her, and she was asleep. Catherine knew that Sara could only have been in the room for about an hour, she also knew that the bottle of Vodka had been full. Catherine took in the sight before her, the sheen on Sara's unusually pale skin, the dark circles under her eyes, the uneasy breathing, the twitch over Sara's hand over her stomach. Catherine's anger suddenly melted, and she felt concern and pity.

What had driven Sara to this point?

Catherine walked over to the sofa, and kneeling on the floor, she moved the Vodka away, and tried to wake the younger CSI up.

'Sara...' Catherine said firmly 'Sara, wake up!' She tried to keep the irritation out of her voice, but knew it wasn't working 'Sara' this time she shook her slightly, and then Catherine noticed the scratch on Sara's neck, and the bruise on her knuckles. 'For god's sake Sara' Catherine shouted this time.

Sara stirred, and blinked her eyes open

'Cathy!' She said quietly slurring her words 'Hey!' This Vodkas great…' her eyes closed again

'No you don't' Catherine said shaking the women slightly, knowing she should try and keep the women awake, her training now telling her that not only was Sara heavily drunk, she probably had slight alcohol poisoning. When that didn't work, she slapped Sara across the face, which seemed to do the trick.

Sara's eyes flew open as she winced, but she didn't make a move to get up 'Ouch' she mumbled, moving her hand to rub against her cheek

'What's happening Sara?' Catherine said more aggressively than she meant to 'What's got into you? I don't understand your behaviour'

Sara shrugged 'You're not supposed to' Sara was slowly sitting up, trying to resist the urge to be sick. The last think she needed right now was to make more of a fool of herself.

'Then why tell me… why tell me what you did?' Catherine said a little dejectedly 'Why?'

Sara didn't answer, she just sat there in silence, and she had bought her knees up to her chest and had hugged her legs around them. She dropped her head into her knees, and took a deep breath.

Catherine waited, but after a minute or two couldn't take the silence anymore, and started to get up to walk away

'I was supposed to do it right this time' Sara said quietly

Catherine's brow furrowed, and was about to ask what Sara meant by that, but Sara kept talking.

'She wasn't supposed to die…' Sara whispered the emotions in her voice hard to read. Catherine's CSI instincts kicked in and she was going to ask her who 'She' was when her phone interrupted her.

Sighing, she pinched her nose, took a breath, and answered

'What?' She snapped not even bothering to look at the caller ID.

'Mrs Willows...' The voice sounded shaky 'It's Neil..There's been another incidence… I…I…'

'What?' Catherine interrupted; she was in no mood for Hotel work at the moment

'I've just done a courtesy call in one of the rooms on the 5th floor… there's… there's a dead body…'

Catherine's eyes snapped over to Sara 'What? What room…?' Catherine really hoped it was not one of the rooms Sara had been seen near earlier '520…' Neil said, knowing that Catherine would put the two pieces of the puzzle together. It was no secret amongst the hotel staff that Catherine's first job was CSI 'What should I do?' He asked

'Nothing… do nothing… I'll handle it.. Don't tell anyone.' Catherine sighed, and hung up the phone. She didn't know what to do.

Sara had noticed that the Vodka had been moved, and whilst Catherine was on the phone and distracted, she had reached for the bottle and started to drink again. She had never told anyone what she had just told Catherine, and she knew the older women would continue to dig. The only twisted solace Sara could see was in the bottle.

'That's enough' Catherine snapped as she snatched the bottle away from Sara 'What the hell has happened tonight?'

She didn't know whether to tip her hand about the body that had been found, or to pretend like she didn't know. She didn't know whether to treat Sara like a suspect or a victim, or someone caught between the two.

'She wasn't supposed to die' Sara said quietly, tears filling her eyes. 'She wasn't supposed to die' she repeated

'Who?' Catherine asked, trying to play cautiously, and doing her best to sound concerned, she knelt down in front of Sara 'Who wasn't?' she asked again

'Rose'


	5. Memories

'Rose' came Sara's whisper, her eyes clenched tightly shut. She lurched forward and vomited on the floor, and only Catherine's fast reactions meant that the older women just managed to get out of the way, whilst at the same time moving to rub gently on Sara's back. When Sara started to wretch again, Catherine pulled her up and half pulled, half pushed Sara towards a door.

'Bathroom' was her only words, and Sara just about managed to nod.

Sara fall to her knees in front of the toilet and was almost immediately sick again. Catherine half thought about staying with her, and perhaps under different circumstances she would off, but she had a dead body to deal with. Although she felt sorry for Sara at this time, she also knew that the younger woman had bought it on herself, and she still didn't know if there was any connection between the women Neil had found and Sara's current state. Leaving the bathroom, Catherine made her way towards her small desk and computer. Although she could have had an office at the hotel, she had chosen to combine it with her quarters; the idea being it would make it easier to work when needed, without the noise and bustle of the ground floor surroundings.

Catherine turned on her computer, and pulled up the bookings for the night. She searched the records for who had rented out room 520. Panic rose slightly when she read the names on the database. She had very much wanted to believe that it was unconnected, but now she knew it wasn't

'Room 520, Rented in the name of Rose Hornby, paid for on Credit Card by S. Sidle'

Catherine ran her hands through her hair, and picked up her phone

'Stokes'

'Hi, Nick… 'Catherine began feeling flustered

'Everything alright?' Nick asked, immediate concern in his voice

'Um, are you working?'

'Nope, it's my night off, why, what's happened?' Nick replied

'I…I need a favour… Um, remember when I helped you out, with Kristy's case… '

'Yeah…' Nick said slowly, it was one of the few cases he would never forget.

'I need you to pay back that exact favour… but..I need it to be off the record, at least until I know more…'

'Cath?' 'Cath what do you mean, what's going on?' Nick said quietly

'There's a dead body in my hotel..'

Nick made to speak, not understanding why Catherine would be against running this through the proper channels, but before he could say anything Catherine spoke again

'Sara was the last person to see her alive…' Catherine whispered, and before anything more could be said, she snapped her phone shut, cutting Nick off.

Catherine dropped her head into her hand for a moment. She knew the time to be Sara's friend was gone, that she needed to be professional, to treat Sara like a suspect, but she also knew that the younger women being sick in the next room had been through a lot in the past week at least, and that the brunette had had a rough year. Catherine didn't know where to start, or how to approach the situation. Sighing, she stood up from her desk, and made her way to the bathroom.

Sara had stopped being sick, but was still heaving a little, and her body was shaking, a thin layer of sweat covering her body.

Catherine noticed more scratches on her back, and a slight bruising, and in that moment she made up her mind on how to deal with what was happening. She would sit right in the middle, until she knew how to go forward.

Crouching down next to Sara, Catherine gently called her name 'Sara..Hey…'

Sara turned her head slightly, acknowledging the woman's presence. She really wanted to go to sleep, so she closed her eyes and leant her head against the toilet seat.

'Sara… you have to stay awake…' Catherine said placing her hand on her upper back.

Sara flinched slightly but didn't move otherwise.

'Sara…' Catherine said again softly. Sara slowly sat up

'I need to wash…' She mumbled

Catherine didn't move her hand away, and her grip tightened slightly, meaning Sara couldn't move.

'I can't let you' Catherine said, her voice firm but low. 'I… I need to process you…' Catherine said, her voice a little louder, a little stronger. Sara tried to speak, although she was very drunk still, she didn't understand why that meant she had to be processed. Drinking wasn't a crime.

Catherine saw the confusion in Sara's eyes

'Rose' Catherine said, and Sara's eyes furrowed, now even more confused, an anger rising up inside her.

'The dead girl, in the hotel room that you were in' Catherine said sharply 'Want to tell me what happened?' Catherine said trying to keep emotion out of her voice 'You already said she wasn't supposed to die'

Sara started shaking again, panic in her eyes, and she lurched forwards once again to be sick.

Catherine stood up, and left her too it. Right now she couldn't focus, and she needed to put some distance between them, both on a personal and professional level.

Catherine's phone rang 30 minutes later

'Willows' she answered, not even bothering to look at the caller I.D.

'Hey, I'm here… 'Nick replied 'Where are you?'

Catherine told him to come up and meet her in her quarters, where she would explain what she knew. Five minutes later, she stepped out of the room, gently closing the door behind her; she didn't want Sara to know she had called anyone just yet.

'Hey Nick' Catherine said quietly

'Hey, What's going on?' Nick said his voice full of concern and emotion

'Um… Well, Sara was caught punching the walls, by one of my Busboys, and I ended up here, to see what the problem was about… I … 'Catherine shrugged a little, not yet wanting to tell Nick the whole story 'I was gonna drive Sara home, but when I got her, she'd had nearly an entire bottle of Vodka… she's gotta be… I dunno…6, 7 times over the limit right now?' Catherine said, her hand rubbing at her temple 'Anyway… whilst I'm here, I get another call, from the same busboy… he's found a dead body, dead female… in one of the rooms.. near where Sara was earlier… I checked the records… Sara paid for that room…' Catherine closed her eyes, taking a breath

'What else?' Nick asked gently, knowing there was something more

'Sara told me something, before she started puking her guts up… she told me 'She wasn't supposed to die' I asked who, she said 'Rose', that's when she started being sick… the dead girl, her name is Rose…' Catherine trailed off.

Nick let out a sigh, his shoulders fall, and all he could do was nod. After a moment of neither of them speaking he said quietly

'Do you want me to process the room… the girl… or Sara?' He said the last bit quietly. He knew what it was like to be the suspect in a death, but it didn't make it any easier, and he didn't want to believe that the women he had been working with for the past few years was capable of murder

'The room…' Catherine said 'I'll deal with Sara…' Catherine said quietly, her eyes closed

'You know I'm going to have to call the coroner…' Nick said

'I know…'

'But?' Nick said, right now he wanted to believe Sara to be innocent, to be given a chance, just like he had been given when his friend had been found murdered after he had spent the night with her, but he also knew that he couldn't comprise the investigation.

'Let me process… talk to Sara first… Can you just process the room first? Please… we'll call the coroner in an hour… once you've done a prelim… I … I don't want to cover anything up Nick, but I don't want Ecklie or anyone else jumping to the wrong conclusion… 'Catherine rambled.

Nick looked at her 'You know something?' he said quietly

'No…' Catherine whispered 'No, I don't I just… I owe her…'

Nick sighed heavily, his thoughts conflicting, but then he remembered what Catherine had done for him in the past

'2 hours… then I call David, and Greg… I'll keep this away from as many eyes as I can, for as long as I can' Nick said, and pulled Catherine into a hug.

'Thanks Nicky' Catherine said, and kissed him on the cheek before composing herself and walking back into her hotel quarters.

Never had Catherine been so grateful as to be so dedicated to her work as a CSI that she kept a spare evidence collection kit in her room.

'Who was that?' Sara asked, her voice quiet and weak. She was sat with her back against the door frame to the bathroom. She had wanted to get away from the smell of her vomit, but hadn't wanted to go too far in case she needed to be sick again. She hadn't flushed any of the vomit away, although she had wanted to. She had heard Catherine's words, and knew that soon Catherine would want to talk to her, to process her, no matter how drunk Sara got, there was still a small rational part of her that thought like a CSI, and she knew that as gross as it was, her vomit was now evidence in the death of Rose.

'Nick'

Sara nodded 'You want my clothes?' Sara whispered

'Yes' Catherine said, trying to keep her voice even 'First though, I want to talk'

Sara shook her head 'I can't' Sara mumbled, burying her head in her arms

'Sara… there's a dead girl, in the room you were in… if you don't talk to me, I can't help…'

Sara shrugged slightly

'Sara…' Catherine said, shocked slightly at Sara's attitude 'Did you kill her?'

Sara shrugged again, a tear escaping her eye. She tried to rub it away without Catherine noticing.

'Sara… What happened? Talk to me, before I have to let the evidence talk for you' Catherine said, her words coming out more harshly than she intended.

'I can't…I can't remember… 'Sara shouted, tears now falling freely. 'I can't remember… 'She said again a little more quietly. 'I…I was…I am.. pretty drunk, and I can't remember…' Sara choked back more tears 'I'm scared…I don't normally black out so much…' Sara whispered.

'Could you have been drugged?' Catherine said as calmly as she could. Once more Sara shrugged.

'I, I don't know… I remember …. I remember smoking… in the taxi perhaps? I don't really know… and I remember being at the club before then… most, most of the night is a blur. I…' Sara was rocking now, her hands wrapped around her legs tightly.

'Why can't I remember?' Sara whispered

Catherine shrugged 'You were drinking… probably hadn't eaten… You've been drinking a lot the past few days… '

Sara shook her head 'You don't understand' She spat out 'I don't normally forget. Not like this.'

Sara started crying again. Catherine didn't know what to say, what to do. Right now she didn't know what was needed most, a friend for Sara, or an investigator for Rose.

**A/N.**

**Please tell me what you think so far. I've got the next chapter thought out, and I know where I'm taking this story, but right now, I've got to sleep, and I don't want this chapter too get too long.**

**Please review if you can**

**Emz**


	6. Process and Exam

Catherine sighed and nodded slowly 'Ok' she said quietly after a moment 'Ok, it's gonna be alright…' She slowly approached Sara and knelt down in front of her. 'We can talk later…' Catherine paused 'I think I should do a tox screen…'

Sara nodded 'ok' she managed to whisper

'I…' Catherine started, her voice unsure, she didn't know how to say what needed to be said

'I see you've got scratches and bruises… I need to take photographs of all of your injuries…do I need to do an SAE kit?'

Sara pulled her legs even tighter to her chest, her eyes tightly closed and she didn't respond.

'Sar?' Catherine said quietly 'Look, if she hurt you…if it was an accident…'

'I don't remember, ok, I don't remember' Sara spat out, fresh tears running down her cheek.

'I know…' Catherine said as gently as she could 'Look.. I think I should check you, check everything over. Will you let me?' Sara nodded her head slightly. 'Do you want me to do an SAE?' Sara nodded again but couldn't bring herself to look at Catherine. 'Ok' the older women whispered 'Ok, I'll do that last, ok.'

Sara nodded again, wiped her eyes with the back of her hands and then stood up without saying a word. She held her hand out to Catherine silently giving her consent to the older women to start processing her and taking samples.

Catherine paused briefly and then pulled on a pair of gloves, and then gently took Sara's hand in her own and started taking scrapings from underneath Sara's fingernails.

Catherine worked quietly and methodically, taking everything she could, and then picked up her camera.

'I need to take photos now…' Sara nodded her consent again and held her arms up so the photos could be taken. Catherine continued to work in silence, but when she noticed some scratch marks that went under Sara's top she sighed and took a moment before speaking

'Sara..I'm gonna have to take photos without your clothes on…'

'I know' Sara said quietly.

Catherine placed her camera down, and picked up an evidence bag so Sara could place her top inside it, and then she started taking more photos of Sara who had once again closed her eyes, trying to block out the older women's eyes all over her body.

Catherine started with Sara's back, and then moved around to take photos of Sara's front and she gasped, her mouth open, shocked at what she saw in front of her. She knew that there would be scratches on Sara's body, had expected to see a love bite or two, but she hadn't expected to see the deep and purple bruise on Sara's stomach, or the many scars on the women's abdomen and stomach. Scars that Catherine knew instantly were years old, and most likely self-inflicted.

'Sar…' Catherine said her voice in a whisper

'Don't!' Sara snapped 'Just don't' she knew why Catherine had gasped, why she was whispering, and right now she really didn't need it 'There not relevant, so just don't'

'Ok…Ok..' Catherine said and took another breath 'Look… I need to get two more photos…'

'I know' Sara said, biting her lip 'Make it quick, please' Sara moved her hand behind her back, and undid her bra, letting it fall away. Catherine snapped the photos quickly, but said nothing. She looked at Sara's chest for a moment, taking in the nipple piercing on Sara's left breast, and the bite mark on her right one and then turned away. Sara made to put her bra back on but paused.

'I guess you need this too?' She said flatly 'Yeah…' Catherine said quietly, her back still to Sara. She took a few steps away and walked to the wardrobe, and pulled out her own dressing gown.

'Here… put this on..' She passed the silk dressing gown to Sara who took it gratefully, and wrapped it around her body.

'I… I still need to photograph the rest of you…and …'

'I know' Sara said dejectedly, placing her Bra in another evidence bag before sliding her trousers off quietly.

Catherine continued to work in silence, and Sara thumbed the fabric of the dressing gown that was draped around her body. She was trying to keep her mind occupied, knowing the worst part of the examination was yet to come. Catherine had processed, photographed, and taken a blood sample, but had yet to do the SAE kit.

'Sar… I …' Catherine said nervously

'I know' Sara said again, sliding of her knickers, looking anywhere other than Catherine, and feeling grateful that she had the robe. Catherine snapped the photos quickly.

'I need you to lie down…' Catherine said quietly.

'Where?' Sara managed to say

'The bed's fine' Catherine managed 'Unless you want me to get someone else?'

Sara shook her head 'No, it's fine, you can do it'

Sara slowly walked towards the bed, and sat on the edge before allowing her body to fall back on the bed, and spreading her legs wide to allow Catherine to do what she needed to do.

She turned her head away to the side, heard the click of the camera a few times, and then felt a hand on her legs, and she flinched.

'It's ok Sar…I'm not going to hurt you…I'll be as gentle as I can ok…' Catherine whispered.

Sara bit her lip but didn't answer, and as Catherine performed the exam, more tears escaped her eyes. She was scared to find out what had happened to her.

Catherine's phone rang, and looking at the caller ID she saw it was Nick, although she wasn't expecting him to phone for another 20 minutes.

'Hey' she answered quietly, stepping out of the room. After she had finished processing and examining Sara she had thought it best to let the woman sleep, and she had suggested that she made herself as comfortable as possible in the bed. She hadn't been sure that Sara would agree, and had been pleasantly surprised when she did, and even more so when after just five minutes Sara's breathing had evened out and it was evident that the women was asleep.

'Hey Cath' Nick said, his voice even 'How is she?'

'Sleeping…' Catherine said, she knew it was probably wrong, but she had seen how scared Sara had been and hadn't wanted to treat her as a criminal until she knew exactly what was going on.

'Oh… Well, that's not surprising…' Nick said

'How so?' Catherine interrupted

'Well… there is evidence of heavy drinking, sex, weed… needles…drug activity, poppers for one… roofies too.' Nick said sighing

'Shit' Catherine said

'Yeah… ' Nick replied

'There's something else…' he said after a pause

'What?' Catherine asked quickly

'I found a photo in Roses purse, amongst some notes. Think is, it's a photo of Sara…'

'They knew each other before tonight?' Catherine asked, rubbing her head

'I don't know… I don't think so… it's an old photo, looks like Sara's… 14? 15? Maybe, a teenager anyways, and she's holding a baby…'

'Nick…' Catherine interrupted 'How old?'

'What?'

'The baby… how old is the baby…' Catherine spat out

Nick sighed ' I dunno… about a week maybe… why?'

Catherine sighed and hung up the phone. She rubbed her head again, a tear escaped her eye, and small pieces of the puzzle she found herself in the middle of started to fall into place.


	7. Apple Juice

Catherine paced up and down the hallway, she couldn't bring herself to step back in to the hotel room, and knew that Nick would be upstairs again shortly. There was a lot going through her mind at the moment, and the battle of Investigator for Rose, and Friend for Sara was still raging.

'Hey Catherine' Nick said approaching her, kit and evidence bags in hand. Catherine stopped pacing for a moment and smiled weakly

'Hey'

'Is there something you know?' Nick asked gently 'You hung up on me rather abruptly'

Catherine shrugged her shoulders 'I… I don't know…I really don't know…'

Nick just nodded, not wanting to press the issue to much at the moment

'How is she?' he asked his voice thick with concern and kindness.

'Sleeping… she's gonna have one hell of a headache when she wakes up, I can tell you know, it's gonna be one of the worst tox screens we'd have seen… She's confused, and scared, and she says she can't remember anything… 'Catherine starts pacing again, her hands running through her hair 'I… I don't know if I believe her… but I know something went horribly wrong this evening.'

'Shh, it's ok…' Nick tried to reach out to Catherine 'Calm down…' he whispers whilst placing an arm on Catherine's shoulder 'Look… I know it's hard, but we've got to follow the evidence… but, from what I can see… I dunno, it looks like self-defence… an accident maybe…' Nick tries to make his voice sound strong, but his voice hitches a little. Like Catherine he can't imagine Sara doing anything this bad. 'Look, Catherine…' He starts again 'I think Rose robbed Sara, maybe drugged her… There's that photo of Sara in her wallet, and Sara's watch was on her wrist… You know Sar, she doesn't just give away items like that…'

Catherine nodded, her eyes blinking 'What about the body?'

'I haven't been able to look properly yet… We really do need to call in Dave… but other than signs of sex, I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary'

'Ok… Um… Call Dave, and then, take everything back to the lab… get Greg to run everything he can…. Um… keep eyes off this, please?' Catherine asks, almost pleads.

Nodding Nick agrees

'Want me to take in Sara's clothes…and uh… stuff'

'Please… um, there's an SAE kit… please handle it yourself..and um, there's photographs… please try to not let anyone else see them.'

Nick nods again.

'I'll just grab it all…' Catherine turns to the door and steps inside, a minute or two later, she comes back out, evidence bags and kit in hand.

'What do I tell Dave?'

'Um… I dunno… abbreviated truth I guess… I was here on hotel business, busboy called it in directly to me… I didn't call it in officially…cuz… you were already here?'

Nick nodded again, he didn't want to lie, but he knew how bad it would be for everyone if Sara was accused and arrested for something she may not have done.

'Ok…' Nick turned and began to walk away, and paused.

'Has she eaten?' he asked turning slightly

'Nope…' Catherine said

'Wholemeal toast… Apple Juice, Strawberries and Pineapple…'

'What?' Catherine said, confusion in her face.

'Sara's favourite breakfast.' Nick said walking away evidence in hand.

Catherine sat in her office chair in the doorway between the living space and bedroom of her hotel quarters, and watched Sara sleeping. The younger CSI looked awful, the toll of the night evident in even in her sleeping features, and the bruising and scratching just visible where the bed sheets didn't quiet cover all of Sara's body.

Nick had left about 3 hours ago, and although Catherine knew she should really walk Sara up and try and question her again, she just didn't have it in her heart. It could wait a few more hours. Deciding there was nothing else she could do for now, Catherine got up and walked towards her computer. Perhaps if she couldn't talk to Sara, she could at least try and find CCTV footage of her and Rose.

Looking at the time that the room was booked, Catherine started ten minutes before, hoping to catch them walking in to the hotel. It didn't take long to find what she was looking for, Sara and Rose walked in to the hotel, arm in arm, swaying slightly, giggling, and approaching the help desk, obviously asked for a room. She saw that Rose tried to pay, but evidently her card was rejected. She noticed that the receptionist, Jenna, was about to reject them when Sara's arm raised up, probably to tell her to wait, and she grabbed her own purse, and pulled out a credit card. Jenna ran it, smiled, and handed Rose a key card, and handed the credit card back. Catherine shook her head slightly, paused the tape, and rewound it for a moment, watching once again as Jenna handed back the credit card, and saw that it was Rose who took it not Sara.

'Gotcha!' Catherine whispered. It now seemed apparent that Rose was stealing from Sara, and Sara being too blind drunk, didn't even notice.

Catherine watched the rest of the tape, tracking them walking across the foyer, towards the lifts, where the almost immediately started kissing, Sara pinned against the lift wall, and then out of the lift, across the corridor, and into the room. Catherine decided to wait, to see how long Sara was in the room before leaving it, and watching the time stamp in the corner of the screen, saw that Sara was in the room for 5 hours. She also knew that Rose had been discovered roughly 90 minutes later. She sighed heavily, unless the autopsy revealed a very specific time of death, it was going to be very hard to prove that Sara was innocent.

Catherine went back to watching the interaction in the lift, where the couple had been the most physical, at least on camera, hoping that perhaps she would see something, anything, to help her make sense of what she was seeing.

It was times like this when she wished that recording audio with CCTV was legal, as it would make her job slightly easier.

Catherine watched the two walk into the lift, evidence of a lot of drinking based on how they were walking. Then saw how the two of them kissed, passionately, roughly. She saw Rose slip her hand in her own purse, and bring it out again, and then, it seemed, Sara's knees buckled slightly, but they carried on kissing.

Of course, that could have meant anything, Catherine knew that a good kiss like that could leave anyone weak at the knees, but for some reasons, something in her made her feel uneasy. Sighing she closed her eyes. She had a horrible hunch, and she knew that she would need help proving it. She also knew that the equipment and technology at the hotel was limited, and she would have to call in another set of eyes. Archie.

Catherine looked at the clock, it was 7 am. Archie wouldn't start work for another few hours, and although she could have asked anyone in the A/V lab to look at the videos, she really did only want Archie to look at it, knowing he wouldn't judge. It would just have to wait a few more hours.

Catherine picked up her phone, and dialled for room service, ordering what Nick had suggested, plus some coffee for her, and 4 bottles of water. 10 minutes later when the door knocked, she stood up, and went to answer, grateful for the food. She had to wake Sara up; she had to at least make Sara drink some water if nothing else.

'Hey…' Catherine said quietly in the door way 'Hey Sara, you need to wake up… you need to eat…'

Sara stirred slightly, her brow furrowed, momentarily confused as to where she was, why she could feel silk against her skin, and why she was waking up to Catherine's voice. Her head feeling heavy, snippets of the past evening flashed into her mind and she sighed, angry and embarrassed about her situation.

Catherine stepped in closer to the room, food tray in hand, and placed in gently next to the bed.

'Sara.. You need to eat…'

Reluctantly Sara nods her head, and pushes herself up so she's sitting on the bed, back against the headboard, and rubs her eyes

'Feeling better?' Catherine asked gently, and Sara shrugs, not speaking.

'Will you are least eat?' Catherine asks, deciding to pull the tray on the bed, and to sit down on the edge of it. Noticing Sara's puzzled expression, hearing the silent question, the one both confused and gently surprised by the contents of the tray, the one saying 'how did you know what to order?' Catherine smiles slightly, and simply says 'Nick' and Sara nods once again, a slight smile playing across her face. It's just like the Texan to notice and remember such things.

Sara picks at the food, knowing she hasn't eaten properly in 48 hours, that she drank a lot, that she had been sick, that her body really needed the sustenance, but her appetite is out the window, and all she does is pick at the food, looking anywhere other than Catherine.

'Look… Sara…' Catherine says after 10 minutes 'Were going to have to talk eventually…'

Sara drops her head down into her chest, the piece of toast falling back on to the plate, and she closes her eyes. She can't talk about this; she doesn't know where to begin. What to believe. Her memories and emotions are playing havoc, and she is more scared then she wants to admit.

'Sar…' Catherine begins, trying her best to be gentle, to be understanding, but Sara abruptly, and unexpectedly interrupts her

'Is it true?' She asks quietly, her eyes closed, not daring herself to look at Catherine, for fear of what she might see in the other women's eyes.

'Is what true?' Catherine asks, puzzled about Sara's words, and about why this would be the first thing that she asks.

'About you…' Sara pauses, and opens her eyes, and brings herself to look at Catherine 'About you and cocaine?'

Catherine's mouth opens slightly, her shoulders drop, and feeling like a deer in the headlights, she stutters, not knowing how to respond, and then an instinct kicks in. If she wants Sara to open up about the events of the previous night, perhaps she needs to open up too, a confession of events sought through honest but tough discussion. She understands the psychology of a back and forth narrative, and making up her mind, she replies

'Yes'

'How did you quit?' Sara asks, her eyes dropping away from Catherine once more, her knees now bought up to her chest, her arms wrapped tightly around them, the food now forgotten.

Catherine shrugs slightly, deciding the best course of action is 100% honesty, and screw the consequences. 'I haven't… not really… I just count days… '

'Oh' Sara says quietly, and Catherine realises it's not the answer the younger women was looking for, but she doesn't understand why she know it.

Before anything else can be said, her phone rings, and silently cursing herself for not putting her phone on vibrate, she looks at the caller I.D., Nick.

Catherine sighs, and stands, answering the phone and walking out of the room, right now she really doesn't want Sara to overhear anything.

'She lied' Nick says, no greeting, just those words, anger evident in his voice

'Nick? Slowdown, who lied?' Catherine asks, stepping further from the bedroom, and towards the door so she can step into the hallway.

'Sara'

'Sara? What do you mean?' Catherine asks, clearly she is missing something.

'She promised me, and she lied' Nick says, anger and disappointment in his voice

'Nick, you're not making any sense, what are you talking about?'

'I processed the photos… of Sara… she uhh… she has scars all across her stomach…'

'I know, I saw them, she said they were old…' Catherine said, her hand running through her hair

'She lied…'

'Wait, what do you mean? Nick… how do you know about Sara's scars?' Catherine says as quietly and as calmly as she can, although she has already figured out the answer 'Wait… You and Sara… When?'

Nick takes a breath 'Umm… a few times… After I was pushed through that window… after the lab explosion… after a few other tough cases…' Nick sighs, 'I'm sorry you had to find out this way…' He pauses 'Look… the first time, I saw the scars, and asked her, but she clammed up, and just told me it was a life time ago… that she never did that kinda thing anymore… that if ever she had the temptation, she would ring me. Umm… the thing is… back then… there were, I dunno.. maybe 10 or so scars? Now… now there's closer to 20… ' Nick rushes everything out, his voice uneven.

Catherine's eyes close, her hand coming to rest on her face. Taking a moment, she sighs

'Anything else?'

'Yeah… yeah, there is… I don't know how to explain it…'

'Just spit it out'

'Sara's a Dom… it was evident in our encounters… she, she takes control, and rarely lets anyone else do anything to her…I mean, to take over… it's um… psychological reflex… common with abuse and rape survivors… ' Nick pauses, thoughts of his own rape as a boy washing over him. 'Rape survivors find that because they were once victims in a sexual encounter, they need to try and be dominant in every encounter thereafter, so as not to feel like a victim…'

'Nick, where are you going with this?' Catherine interrupts violently.

'Sara would never allow herself to be bitten like that…she would be the bitter… but Rose barely has a mark on her… I think Sara was raped, and then snapped… probably killed Rose in self-defence, trying to stop the attack… she wouldn't have known she was doing it though… and now that it's over… she'd have shut herself down, blocked everything out…and she'd be feeling vulnerable, perhaps even…'

'Suicidal…' Catherine says gasping, and hangs up the phone, rushing back into the room. She can't believe she was so stupid to not see it before. She just hopes Sara isn't feeling as bad as her and Nick now fear.

Catherine reaches the bedroom, and the smell of Iron hits her senses. Blood.

Her eyes reach Sara, and she takes in the scene before her. Sara is holding a shard of glass, blood dripping from her palm, her eyes glassy, tears silently streaming down her cheeks. The bottle of apple juice is smashed on the tray.

'Sar…' Catherine says quietly, creeping towards the younger women 'Sar… Sweetie, give me the glass.' Sara looks up from the glass, to Catherine, and back again.

'Sar… please…' Catherine steps closer.

'I can't feel anything…' Sara whispers 'I can see it… but I can't feel it …'

'Sara… please…' Catherine whispers again. Sara looks up to her once more 'It was an accident…'

Sara opens her hand slightly, the piece of glass dropping back on to the tray 'It was an accident… it… I didn't feel it…I'm sorry…' Sara's eyes close, her head hanging again, as Catherine quickly pulls the tray away from Sara, making sure the glass and anything sharp is out of reach, and then she pulls of her top, not wanting to leave Sara's side for a moment, and needing something to use as a make shift bandage for the wound.

'I'm sorry…' Sara whispers again, over and over and over.

Catherine staunches the bleeding as best she can, checking there is no glass in the wound, and bandages the hand as best she can without saying anything, only after she has finished, does she speak.

'Why Sara?'

'It was an accident' Sara repeats again, and knowing Catherine doesn't believe her, she looks into her eyes 'Please, please believe me… I … I have nerve damage.. my hand… it's pretty fucked… has been for years' She sighs, her shoulders slumping. 'I do a good job at hiding it… ' She rambles, not knowing if Catherine will believe her, but she has to try. She still can't remember much of last night, she she knows she may be guilty in the death of the girl, but she desperately needs Catherine to understand that this was truly an accident.

'I … I couldn't get the damn bottle of apple juice open….' Sara lets out a strange cross between a laugh and a sob. 'I, didn't know I was gripping so hard, damned nerve damage… the bottle smashed in my grip… and I couldn't feel it. Please believe me.' Sara brings her eyes up to look at Catherine once again, wanting and needing to see into the older women's eyes, but Catherine can't bring herself to look at her, and quickly looks away, avoiding her glance.

'Sara… ' Catherine pinches the bridge of her nose 'Sara… Nick processed your photos… we know that the scars across your stomach are recent… we also suspect you to be suicidal….' Catherine doesn't finish her sentence, it's evident that she doesn't think the smashed bottle was accidental.

Sara sighs, and bangs her head against the headboard, and says nothing for a moment.

'They are' She finally whispers. 'And I am…' she confesses.

'Oh Sar….' Catherine whispers, a tear falling down her cheek, and she reaches out to touch Sara, but Sara pulls away.

'Glass isn't my M.O…. Scalpels are' and with that Sara turns away, making herself as small as possible in the bed, ignoring Catherine's tears.


	8. AV Footage

Catherine's breath was uneasy, and the tears were once again flowing freely, she felt bad for the situation Sara was in, and guilty for her fear in playing a part in it. Catherine didn't understand the whole picture, but she knew that the lab explosion had evidentially started Sara into a downwards spiral of self-destructive behaviours. She felt angry with herself, and she felt angry with Nick. Nick who had known something was wrong, but who hadn't said anything at all. Slowly, almost reluctantly, she pulled out her phone. She needed to let Nick know that Sara was ok, that she was alive, but she couldn't bring herself to speak to him, so she sent a text that read

'S ok, on watch tho. Plz don't call until u have something solid, C x'

She hoped that that would be enough to at least assure the Texan for the time being.

Nicks heart was still racing, and a headache was pressing in, even though he'd read the text from Catherine, he still felt on edge, but he knew for now he had to try and hide it.

Until the rest of the evidence had been processed, there wasn't much he could do, they clearly wouldn't be speaking to Sara any time soon. Greg and David had been good, running with the evidence handed to them, and he was grateful that for once they hadn't asked for details on the case.

Nick walked slowly towards the break room, in need of coffee, although a beer would have suited him better if he hadn't been at work. Walking past the AV lab he heard Archie chuckling, although he wasn't sure why, and continued to walk past.

'Hey Nick..' Archie shouted stopping him in his tracks

'Hey Archie' Nick said turning around, plastering a smile on to his face

'I wanna show you something' Archie said a massive grin across his face.

'Umm.. I don't have any AV evidence…' Nick said his voice low

'I know…it's not from your case' Archie said still smiling

'So…why are you showing me?' Nick said, trying to keep the annoyance from his voice

'You'll see' Archie said gesturing for Nick to come closer to the screen.

'Catherine was called to sort out a bar fight scene, and I've been looking through the footage…'

Nick made to interrupt him, but Archie held a hand up to stop him

'It seems, someone had a bit of fun the other night' he said with a slight giggle in his voice as he pointed to the screen. Nick looked up, and his heart caught in his throat.

On the screen before him was a man of about 30, short dark hair, dark clothes, and a look of hunger in his eyes, on his arms, looking flushed and drunk, and far too close, was none other than Sara Sidle.

'Looks like someone got laid…' Archie said his voice light 'Lucky them'

Nick tried his hardest not to shout at Archie, to slam his fists into the screen, and forced on an even bigger smile.

'Lucky them!' he said as brightly as he could 'Umm… how did you find this?' Nick asked now curious

'Ah… well, I was trying to pinpoint when the fight started out, as none of the statements matched up' Archie started, now getting back into work mode. 'This was just a few minutes before the fight broke out… it's not what started it though, of course…' Archie flipped to another screen 'This was…' he pressed play, and on the screen there was a shot of the bar. A blonde woman was hurrying across the floor, and bumped into a patron, but carried on, a moment later, another person bumped into the same patron, who happened to be a tall and imposing Biker, and he turned and clearly said something to the person, who just shrugged and tried to walk away, the biker however, was having none of it, and grabbed the man, and threw a punch. The bar fight started from there, and got worse, until, out of energy, and being pulled apart, the fight stopped five minutes later.

'Oh… ' Nick said, his hand rubbing the back of his neck

'So…Blondie started it, and the biker guy blames someone else?' he added

'Yep..looks like it' Archie said 'Case closed'

'Yeah, Yeah I guess…' Nick said slowly 'So…where'd the blonde go? Did she stay around and watch the fight?'

'I dunno…' Archie said 'Why?'

Nick shrugged 'Curiosity?'

Archie smiled, 'ok then…' he pressed a few keys on his keyboard, and lined up some frames.

'Right then… here's the blonde before the fight breaks out… she's sat by herself, but…it looks like she keeps looking up to someone, or towards something…'

In the video, a waitress approaches the blonde, and places a fresh drink on the table, the girl thanks her, takes a sip, and looks back over to whatever was drawing her attention. Suddenly, her glass is bought down on to the table, and the blonde is hurriedly standing up, and hurries of towards the door, where she bumps into the biker person, but carries on going. The blonde seemed to be walking rather quickly, and shoves the doors open, looking around. The video stops after that

'What happened next?' Nick asked

'Dunno' Archie replied 'There are no Cameras on the outside of the building'

'Ok… so, what made her get up so suddenly?' Nick asked

Archie shrugged 'Does it matter? This is about the fight, not some drunk chick'

'Humour me' Nick said placing his hand on Archie's shoulder and forcing on another smile.

'Ok…' Archie said, taping his keyboard again

'Here…' he pressed play, the camera was now watching over a few tables in one of the corners of the bar 'There's Sara and her date…' Archie said 'And… an older couple playing cards… some college idiots… ' Archie was about to say what he saw on the 4th table, when Sara and the man stood up, the man's arm draped over Sara's shoulder, their bodies close. Archie looked at the time stamps, then up at Nick, his humour now dropped, and his face a tad paler, he wondered if Nick had clocked it too

'Ummm… Your blonde… Your blonde was watching Sara and that Guy…'

Nicks hand started rubbing on the back of his neck again, though he wasn't aware of it 'Can you get me a still of the blonde, please?' Nick asked as calmly as he could.

'Sure' Archie pulled up the image

'Oh…Fuck…' Nick spat out.

Sara stirred slightly, her head felt heavy, and her stomach empty, this time however, she knew exactly where she was and why, she just didn't know how long she'd been asleep this time. She sensed that Catherine was in the room, watching her, analysing her, judging her. Taking a deep breath, she rolled over on to her other side, still trying to keep her body as small as possible.

'Hey' Catherine said quietly, her voice cracked, her eyes red and puffy from the crying, although the tears had long since dried up.

'I'm sorry' Sara whispered, moving her hand slowly, still wrapped up in Catherine's now blood stained shirt.

Catherine only shrugged, not trusting herself to say anything, or even knowing where to begin.

'Can I wash, please?' Sara whispered, her eyes closed tightly for a moment. She felt so dirty, so embarrassed, and she just wanted to wash away what she could.

Catherine nodded slowly 'Sar…' She started, she didn't want to let the young brunette out of her sight for even a minute. She didn't know where the lies began and the truth stopped with Sara, and she didn't truly know if she believed that the smashed glass had been an accident. What she did know was that Sara had gone beyond breaking point. 'Sure..' She said after a moment 'But, I'm going to have to stay…' She added.

Sara nodded slowly, she had hoped to be left alone, but the criminalist in her knew that she shouldn't be, and she didn't have the energy to argue.

'Here… drink this…' Catherine said passing Sara a plastic beaker of water.

Sara took it, her hand trembling slightly, and she gulped it down, only now realising just how dry and tight her throat felt. Sitting up slowly, she dragged herself off the bed, and walked towards the bathroom, Catherine close behind her, though neither said a word.

Slipping her robe off, Sara turned the shower on, letting the water warm up. Normally she would be embarrassed to let anyone see her in such a state of undress if there wasn't sex involved, but seeming as Catherine had just processed her entire body, and done a rape kit, she no longer cared. Stepping under the shower, Sara stood, allowing the water to run over her body.

Catherine stood in the doorway, watching, looking over Sara's body again, seeing every last mark on her body, seeing them for what they were, without the camera between them.

She noticed a long and pale scar on the back of Sara's neck, the bruises and bite marks on her body, and the many scars on her stomach. Catherine was aware that she was staring, but right now, she didn't care. If Sara was found guilty of killing Rose, Catherine wanted to at least help Sara with the charges that the D.A. would bring against her.

Could Catherine perhaps find proof that Sara was emotionally unstable, would a psych evaluation help, was Sara perhaps too far out of her mind to truly know what had happened. Could, if it came to it, Catherine help Sara plead for insanity, and perhaps get Sara a sentence in a mental instituion instead of a jail?

Looking intently at Sara's stomach, knowing that some of them had been inflicted in the past 12 months, Catherine tried to think about why the scars were there, what they were supposed to represent. What they were supposed to help with.

All of the scars ran across Sara's stomach in the same way, slightly down at an angle, below the belly button, the bottom of the scar towards Sara's right hip. Catherine frowned, it was evident that Sara really had inflicted them on herself, as she knew Sara to be right handed. Catherine counted, 18 scars in all across Sara's stomach. Catherine tried to look harder, to see if she could figure out which ones were the newest. It was hard to tell, with the water on Sara's body, and the soap suds getting in the way. Sara turned away, so her back was to Catherine

'Please…Please stop staring.' Sara forced out.

'Sara Sidle, you have a visitor… Sara Sidle, a visitor' came Judy's voice over the tannoy at the crime lab.

'Oh Fuck…' Nick repeated.

'What…?' Archie said his brow furrowed.

Nick reached his hand over and turned Archie's computer screen off, and grabbing his elbow pulled him off the chair, out the room and towards the reception desk, Archie's protesting doing nothing to stop him.

'Judy…' Nick said smiling slightly; dropping his grip on Archie's arm 'Sara's not here right now, can I help?'

'Ummm… Sure…' Judy said smiling slightly, and pointed to a man sat on one of the waiting room chairs.

'Thanks' Nick said, his eyes glancing over to the man, as Archie did the same. Both stepped over to the man.

'Excuse me, I'm Nick Stokes…' Nick began 'I'm sorry, but Sara's not here right now…' the man he was addressing looked up, his face tight, his fist clenched slightly. He had a black eye, and a split lip, but he was still instantly recognizable.

'Fuck…' Archie mumbled under his breath.

Catherine dropped her gaze 'Sorry' she mumbled, taking a slight step into the room, and grabbed some towels into her arms before leaning against the wall

'I'm sorry' she said a bit more loudly and confidently this time 'I just… your scaring me Sara. I want to help…'

'I know…' Sara said turning again, the water now turned off, as she stepped out of the shower, and held her hand out to grab the towels from Catherine, and wrapped herself up tightly.

'Toothbrush?' She said wrapping a second towel around her hair.

Catherine stepped further into the room, and opened up one of the cupboards 'Here' she said handing it to Sara with a small tube of toothpaste.

'Thanks… and thanks for cleaning up the puke…' Sara said evenly.

'Sure' Catherine managed a small smile on her lips.

Sara brushed her teeth, trying to get the taste of alcohol and vomit from her mouth. When she was finished, Sara stepped out of the bathroom, and made her way back to the bed, once again Catherine close to her.

'Hungry?' Catherine asked aware that Sara had barely eaten any of the breakfast from a few hours ago.

'Nope'

'Oh'

'You?'

'Yeah actually' Catherine said, her tummy rumbling slightly at the thought of food.

'Don't let me stop you' Sara said, trying her best to sound level.

Catherine smiled again, and picked up her phone, dialling for room service

'Sure you don't want anything?' She asked whilst waiting for the phone to be picked up.

Sara shrugged 'More toast?' She knew she had to eat.

Catherine nodded, and placed the order, and then turned to look at Sara who was now sat on the bed, her body against the headboard. Catherine decided to walk to the other side, and sit next to her.

'Why did you call me?' Catherine said, her eyes firmly fixed on the wall, not daring herself to look at the woman next to her.

'To what?' Sara asked

'To the explosion scene in Henderson'

'Oh…' Sara took a deep breath 'It's going to sound so stupid….'

'Try me' Catherine said, turning her head ever so slightly.

'I…I…' Sara began, and taking a deep breath decided that perhaps she should start telling the truth.

'I was worried I would have a panic attack at the scene… and I knew that if I did, if you were there, you would understand.' Sara said quietly, her head dropping once more towards her chest.

Before Catherine knew what she was doing, her hand had found Sara's, and gripped it tightly.


	9. Bar Date

'Sir… I can give Sara a message…' Nick started, doing his best to stay level headed.

The man grinned slightly, and ran his hand through his hair 'I want to report a crime…I came here to tell that bitch Sara that I'm not scared of her, and I'll be filling charges…Look what she did to my face…'

Both Nicks and Archie's brows instantly furrowed 'What? Your saying that Sara, Sara Sidle assaulted you?' Nick said his voice dangerously low.

'No, I'm saying that that bitch raped me.'

Xxxxxx

Catherine's grip on Sara's hand tightened, and her thumb gently rubbed against the back of Sara's hand, neither of them spoke, and neither of them wanted to break the contact. A few moments later there was a soft knock on the door 'Room service' came a voice. Catherine reluctantly got up, and walked to the door, and took the food, offering a quiet thank you to the server. She noticed that there were glass tumblers and knifes on the tray, and thought about ditching them before taking the food in to Sara, but she also realised that she needed to show Sara a little trust if she wanted the younger woman to open up and talk about what had happened in that bedroom.

She also figured that Sara wouldn't be stupid enough to do something with her in the same room, and deep down she believed that the smashed glass had been an accident.

Walking back into the bedroom, she placed the tray gently on the bed, and climbed back on to the bed next to Sara.

'Breakfast is served…' Catherine said with a small smile, passing the toast to Sara.

'Thanks' Sara replied quietly, taking the toast and eating it dry.

Neither of them spoke again until they had finished eating, although Catherine spend most of the time looking at Sara, trying to figure out where Sara's head was at now, and where it had been before.

'How's your hand?' Catherine asked, gently pulling the injured hand up, the shirt still serving as a make shift bandage.

Sara shrugged 'Not sure really…I can't feel it all that well, but it's nothing new there'

Catherine flicked her eyes up to Sara's face, trying once again to read what was going on there, and then flitted her eyes back to the hand, slowly unwrapping the bandage.

'Well, it's stopped bleeding… it doesn't look as deep as I first thought… shouldn't leave too much of a scar…I'm sorry, I should have checked it before you showered, in case of infection…' Catherine trailed off, her hand running gently over the cut.

'It's ok' Sara said, her voice gentle.

'Can I ask you something?' Sara said after a few more minutes of silence, her injured hand still in Catherine's.

'Sure' Catherine almost whispers, her thumb still caressing Sara's hand.

'How long since your last Cocaine fix?'

Xxxxxx

'Sir…. Will… Will you come with me please…' Nick said his voice low and shot through with anger, whilst Archie stood next to him unsure what to do.

'Why?'

'I… I need to take your statement, and process you for evidence, to back up your statement.'

Nick had gripped the man lightly, but forcefully by the shoulder and had started walking him towards one of the side rooms. Archie followed close behind, he had no idea what was going on, but knew that Nick shouldn't be left alone with this guy, even for a second.

Once they were in the room, Nick closed and locked the door 'Sir…'

'Matt… Matt Hornby' the man said realising he hadn't announced his name

'Mr Hornby… Why don't you tell us what happened?'

'Ok… Umm… I was at the bar, the one on 5th, Oak and Bay, and had a few drinks… this nice looking girl was there, I thought, hell, why not, and bought her a drink. We ended up having quite a few drinks actually… and she got…handsy… she started kissing me, and… well, I didn't resist. Next thing I know, we're leaving together.' Matt paused in his story telling, running his hands through his hair 'God I feel so stupid…' he whispers, his voice breaking. Taking a few calming breathes, he carries on

'We umm… we made it out into the parking lot, it was clear neither of us could drive, but….but she pulled out her gun, and made me drive anyway… made me take her back to my place..' by now tears were streaming down his face, and both Nick and Archie had lumps in their throats. They'd seen from the bar footage that Sara had had her gun with her at the bar, and they'd thought nothing off it at the time, now though…

Xxxx

Catherine ripped her hand away from Sara's and turned to face her 'Excuse me?' she spat out, her previous calmness now gone, and anger grew in it's place.

'I… I need to know…please…' Sara whispered, for once not shouting back at Catherine at the earliest opportunity 'Please… I can explain things better if I know…'

'Explain what Sara?' Catherine spat out.

'My behaviour' Sara whispered, a tear threating to fall from her eyes.

Catherine took a deep breath, and ran her hands through her hair, and dropped her head into her chest. 'Lindsey is 9 next month… my last hit was…. 7 years, 5 months, 12 days and…about 6 hours ago…' she whispered, not daring herself to look at Sara.

'And the last time you came close to wanting a hit?' Sara asked quietly

Catherine took a deep breath, and wiped a tear from her eye in anger 'every god damned day' she spat out.

Sara reached out and took one of Catherine's hand in her own

'I last tried to commit suicide on my 27th birthday… but that doesn't mean I haven't thought about it every day, or wished for some god damned accident to take my life for me. I'm only 31 now.' Tears spilled down Sara's face, and she gripped on to Catherine's hand more tightly.

'Why?' Catherine said after a long silence, her breathing ragged as both women were trying to control the tears flowing.

'I'm not really right handed' Sara replied, her tone even and emotionless

'Excuse me?' Catherine snapped, her voice angry once again 'I asked you why, and all you can say is you're not right handed?'

'I'm trying to tell you why… please… just let me explain, please, just listen…'

Catherine nodded, and wiped the last of her tears away.

'I'm sorry if it's a little confusing… I've never been good at telling stories… 'Sara began

'One night…..One night I got in the way of… of someone being stabbed… in the process I took a knife to the arm… instant and almost irreversible nerve damage… since then, I've been trying to teach myself to use my right arm… see, I'm naturally a Leftie… it's why I didn't notice I had glass in my hand after the explosion… or the bottle earlier… and hence the 'chicken scratch' hand writing….'

Sara took a deep breath that was the easy part of the story, all things considered.

'A few months later… a few months later, I lost 8 lbs. overnight… and I don't know how much blood…'Sara moves her arm, Catherine's hand still in hers, and places it on her lower abdomen.

Catherine tried to pull her hand away from the bare skin under her hand, but Sara's grip keeps her hand close.

'It's how I got my first major scar…. 3 weeks later, I tried to kill myself…I…I couldn't live, not when Rose…not when my Sister… when my baby, my daughter, had died.'


	10. Years and Years

A/N

**Hey… sorry, this story is getting rather dark… and rather heavy… I'm just running with the idea at the moment, but, eventually, things will pick up again.**

**Please review, if you'd like. Emz**

**xxx**

In an instant Sara tore her hand away from Catherine's and lurched from the bad, but before she could get very far Catherine had grabbed hold of her 'Sara… Sara wait..'

'Let me go…' Sara yelled trying to get herself loose from the women's hold.

'No Sara…' Catherine said, voice firm.

'Please, I don't need your pity! I need to be alone!' Sara spat out

'You haven't got my pity' Catherine said in a surprisingly calm voice.

With that Sara stopped struggling and spun to around to look at Catherine 'What?' She whispered.

'I admire you, I think you're brave, smart, dedicated, passionate…strong… I admire you, I don't pity you. You've obviously been through a lot, which I can't even begin to understand, but I don't pity you. I am, however, worried about you, and I think you shouldn't leave anything bottled up any longer Sara. You need to tell someone what happened… Why not tell me?' Catherine said never once breaking eye contact with Sara, or stopping the gentle rubbing of her thumb over the hand she had found once again.

'I can't…' Sara mumbled dropping her head

'You can, Sara, you didn't tell me what you just did for pity, you told me because you can't keep it to yourself any longer. I'm not going to judge you, or pity you, I'm just going to listen, ok?' Catherine said, her voice gentle, as she reached out her other hand and bought it up to Sara's face to make the younger women look at her.

Sara searched Catherine's eyes, trying to figure out what Catherine's end game was, but all she saw was concern and care, slowly she nodded 'Ok' she whispered 'Ok'

Smiling slightly Catherine pulled the younger women closer to her, leaning against the headboard so they were half lying, half sitting in the bed.

'Whenever you're ready' she whispered, her hands making small circles on Sara's shoulder.

'Ever wonder why I work so much, and sleep so little?' Sara began

'Yeah…'

'It helps keep me distracted, if I'm working, I can stay focused, and shut everything else away'

Catherine didn't say anything, she didn't want to break Sara's flow of words, to break the younger women's train of thought.

'I'm a creature of habit… every year, for 12 years, on a…on a certain day, I would deliberately take an overdose on my medication…I wanted, no, needed, to dull the pain, and, on that day, always, without fail, I would take a scalpel, and drag it across my stomach.'

Catherine swallowed back a lump in her throat, but didn't dare interrupt the story, and Sara nestled herself further into Catherine's side, once again trying to make herself as small as possible.

'Evidentially, all of my attempts failed, for one reason or another, I just couldn't get it right. Then, on the..on the 13th year…anniversary… I.. I lost track of time… I was working in 'Frisco, and had already worked a double shift… it turned into a triple, and I spend my 28th Birthday counting and logging money in a 'kidnap gone wrong' case… I counted 300,000 dollars, and it took me all frickin day. I didn't stop, and I didn't have help, as the lab was understaffed, and the sheriff wanted the case wrapped up as quickly as possible. By the time I was finished, my Birthday was over, and I hadn't even realised. I felt strangely… calm… I'd tortured myself enough, and I realised what a coward I had been… I was glad all those previous attempts had failed, because that would have been the easy way out.'

Sara paused in her story telling, and took a few deep breaths, wondering if Catherine would speak or not, but she didn't. After a few more moments, Sara started to speak again.

'I figured it was karmic retribution or something. I shouldn't be allowed to rest when I was the reason…' Sara couldn't bring herself to say the next part, but Catherine gently squeezed her shoulder 'Go on…' she whispered.

'Rose was perfect, pale eyes, delicate features, a small amount of pale hair… she was perfect, and she looked nothing like me. She looked more like her father… my father… and I hated her for it… I know it wasn't her fault, I wanted so badly to love her, and I did, a little bit, but mostly, mostly, I hated her. I was left alone, in Foster care, with a screaming baby, that I didn't know how to look after… 'Sara was crying by now, her body shaking, her sobs wracking her body

'Shhh… it's ok… it's ok…' Catherine whispered, pulling the brunette even closer to her 'Wanna take a break?' she offered gently. For a moment she didn't think that Sara had heard her, but then she felt Sara shake her head against her body.

'The C-section really did a number on my body…I needed copious amounts of painkillers, and most of the time, someone was always with me and… with.. the baby… then one night, one of my foster brothers got in trouble, and, well, I was left alone with … with her, for the first time… whilst my foster parents went out. No one knew it was my Birthday. No one bothered to ask, and I didn't tell them. 'Sara's voice was surprisingly a little stronger now.

'I took some drugs… I don't remember what they were, but after an hour or so, they hadn't kicked in, so I took some more. I … I wasn't allowed to.. too breast feed… so, I made up some formula, and sat…I fed her, she looked so beautiful, and I began to allow myself to feel happy. Perhaps she hadn't been bought here in the best of conditions or reasons, but I could make her world so much better than my own. That was the plan.'

Sara pulled away from Catherine slightly, and rolled herself over so her back was to Catherine, she needed to put a little space between them.

'I fall asleep… I don't know how long… when I woke up, Rose was cold, and stiff, and blue… I'd smothered her, in my sleep…' Sara tried to pull herself further away from Catherine, but the older women's strong but gentle grip didn't allow her to move.

'What a great birthday present that was… I was 15, and I've barely slept since…'

Catherine once again bought Sara even closer to her, and placed a kiss in Sara's hair. She didn't say anything, but her grip on Sara was strangely relaxing, and didn't feel at all constricting. Catherine placed another kiss on Sara's head, her eyes closed, taking in everything Sara had said to her.

Sara carefully rolled over once more, she needed to see Catherine's face, to see if there was pity, or anger, or rage there. Catherine's face was hard to read, her eyes still closed, but as Sara turned, her grip tightened even more, and Catherine's hand rubbed calming circles on Sara's back, whilst once again Catherine placed a kiss, which now landed on Sara's forehead.

A flush rose up in Sara, which panicked her, her body trying to figure out if Flight or Fight was the best outcome right now. Before she knew what she was doing, she moved her head up, and pressed her lips to Catherine's.


	11. Reports

Nick only half listened to the rest of Matt's statement, his night had gone from bad to worse, and now he really was worried about Sara's role in the death of Rose. There had never really been a doubt in his mind that it was either self-defence or a bad accident, but now this new evidence, this new person, had come forward, and he was no longer sure. Something in the back of his mind was nagging at him, but he couldn't put his finger on it.

'Sir… I'm going to have to take samples…' Nick said once he realised the man had stopped talking

'Ummm… I'm sorry… I … I was so ashamed… so embarrassed… I've showered, and… ditched the clothes… '

Nick nodded in understanding; he had done the same as soon as he could when he had been younger, a lot younger.

'Ok… what about your car?' Nick asked.

Matt nodded 'Yeah…here…' he fished into his pockets to pull out his car keys, and handed them over to Nick.

'Were going to need to look at your apartment too Mr Hornby…' Matt nodded again 'Sure' he mumbled.

'Sir… one more thing… why did you come forward now?' Nick asked, trying his best to keep his voice even.

'I was scared before… but, after sleeping, I realised, if she could do that… do that, to me… what else could she do? Especially with the threat of a gun…' he trailed off

'It's ok… I understand…' Nick replied, and in the corner of his eyes he caught both Greg and Dave standing outside the room with files in their hands.

Xxxx

Sara pressed her lips to Catherine's, and moved her body a little closer, pressing her chest in to the older women's. For a moment Catherine didn't respond, but after another moment, just when Sara was about to pull away and bolt from the room, Catherine parted her lips in response and started to kiss Sara back.

Sara knew she was kissing Catherine to try and keep control of the situation, whenever she felt cornered or vulnerable, she tried to use sex to regain the upper hand, and although it might have made her a whore, it worked, so she used it. Sara didn't know why Catherine was kissing her back, and neither did Catherine, but right now, it didn't matter. They had both been through a lot in the past few hours, and sexual release seemed one way to get through it.

Sara used her height as an advantage, and managed to roll Catherine over so she was on top, and in control. The kiss became deep, and both women groped at one another, fighting for dominance, although Sara still held the advantage. Doing her best not to break this kiss, Sara slid her hands under Catherine's loose shirt, and pulled it up, trying to take it off, and Catherine didn't stop her.

Sara crashed her lips back down to Catherine's the instant the shirt was removed, and then moved her lips away and down Catherine's neck, kissing roughly against the skin, her right hand rubbing across her stomach, whilst her left arm took some of her weight. Breathing heavily she bought her lips back up Catherine's neck, and once again found the women's lips, grinning into the kiss, her hand going lower and lower, her hips beginning to rock slightly, as Catherine's' also moved. Pulling her body up slightly, but without breaking the kiss, Sara allowed her weigh to fall to her knees, bringing both hands around to Catherine's stomach to undo her trousers.

Xxxx

'Archie, will you stay with Mr. Hornby please, I just need to check a few things on another case… I won't be long… ' Nick hoped that Archie wouldn't argue, although it wasn't in Archie's job description, he rather hoped that he would put two and two together, with the reaction from the bar footage, and now the appearance of the man, and the absence of Sara in the lab.

'Sure' Archie replied, he knew something was up, something worse than the man's accusations, but he also knew that now wasn't the place to question it.

Nick stepped out of the room, and walked over to where Greg and Dave were waiting.

'So?' He asked. Greg and Dave looked at each other, deciding who should go first, both knew very little about the case, but both knew they had been ordered to keep it as quietly as possible. Dave broke the silence.

'Why don't you take a look at both folders… I figure this is a case were the less we know, the better?'

Nick nodded 'Yeah… Yeah, you're right… thanks super Dave…' Nick took the folders from the both. He opened the autopsy folder first, his face going through a mix of emotions. Then he looked at the DNA and Tox folder, and once again his face went through a mix of emotions.

'You're sure?' He asked looking up to Greg once he had read the last page

'Yep' Greg said not looking at the slightly older man

'Have either of you two shown anyone else these files?'

'Nope' both said in unison

'Although, we will get in a lot of trouble if anyone finds out…' Greg added 'But for her… it's worth it…'

'For who?' Dave asked. All he had been asked was to post a body and find C.O.D which he had… kind of. It wasn't as clear cut a case as normal.

'Sara' Nick said almost without thinking.

'Oh….' Dave said, putting two and two together once more 'Shit' he spat out, and Nick and Greg looked at him slightly shocked.

Neither had heard the man swear before.

Xxxx

'Sara…' Catherine managed to get out, trying to push Sara away 'Sara wait… we should stop…' Sara carried on kissing at Catherine's neck for a moment, but when Catherine pushed her away again, Sara stopped and pulled away, but still stayed on top of the women, half sitting, half straddling her.

Catherine looked up at Sara and saw a range of emotions in her face, and tried to shake her head of the arousal she felt all over her body. This was wrong, on so many levels, but it also felt right, and Catherine felt confused.

Sara was a suspect in a murder, crazy, suicidal… and beautiful. Catherine knew that there was every chance that in a few hours she would be assisting a cop to arrest Sara, she also knew that if things went any further, it would most likely be for the first and only time, that this would be nothing but a tension release for the both of them, and it would mean nothing come the morning. But right now, looking into Sara's eyes, she didn't care. Lifting her body off the bed, so she was flush against Sara's chest, she kissed her again.

Everything else could wait, right now they both needed a release, and all they had were one another.

Catherine let herself fall back down, pulling Sara with her, and then wrapped her legs around Sara's hips, instantly bucking into her. Sara smiled into the kiss, and passionately kissed the women back, her hand seeking entrance into the small gap the open trousers gave.

Sara knew this was no time for teasing, or for being teased, so she quickly slipped her hand under the fabric of Catherine's thong, and started to run against Catherine. Feeling Catherine buck under her, she quickened her pace, before slipping one finger, and then another, inside of her, all the while kissing and biting gently against the women's skin across her neck and chest.

Sara changed her tempo often, wanting to keep Catherine from orgasming for as long as possible, the sensation within herself building more and more with each of the older women's moans. Catherine had barely touched her, but to Sara it didn't matter, she had long ago learnt to get off without the need for someone's direct touch.

Sara decided that she'd had enough of touching Catherine in this way, and removed her fingers, kissing her way further down Catherine's chest, forcing the women to unwrap her legs, she was able to pull the trousers from her body, and within seconds was placing kisses across Catherine's thighs.

Catherine's breathing was laboured, her hands clenched, and her hips bucked, she tried to push Sara to where she needed her, but she didn't have to try hard as moments later Sara's mouth was exactly where it needed to be.

There was no teasing, just instant entrance of Sara's tongue, and Catherine whimpered. This felt so good, and she was so close. Sara licked and kissed Catherine's fold first inside, then out, and then before she knew it, Sara's hand was there too. Catherine was bucking harder against Sara, her body tense, every inch of her body trembling, and just as she was about the fall over the edge, her phone rang.


	12. Talking

Catherine pressed her hands tighter against the top of Sara's head, trying to keep the women there, between her legs, doing her best to ignore the ringing of the phone, but her hold wasn't tight enough, and within seconds Sara had ripped herself away and bolted from the bed and into the bathroom, and had turned the lock before Catherine had fully realised what was going on.

Groaning in frustration from the interruption and Sara's reaction to it, Catherine half thought for a moment of finishing the job herself, when once again the ringing of her phone sounded throughout the room, trying to get her breathing under control, she fumbled for the phone

'Willows' she answered her voice flushed and her breathing still uneven.

'Cath…Is everything alright?' Nicks voice sounded

'It was…' Catherine replied quietly sighing

'Cath…' Nick started

'What do you want Nick?' Catherine snapped cutting him off, her voice sharp, and her eyes on the bathroom door, she pulled the bed sheet up over her exposed body.

'I… I have results… I need to speak to Sara' Nick said trying his best not to snap back.

'Oh… Well, that would be a bit tricky at the moment, she's locked herself in the bathroom' Catherine replied, her voice a little calmer now. 'What did you find out?'

'Ummm… I really think I should tell Sara this…'

'That's not procedure and you know it' Catherine countered, unexplained anger rising in her

'Nothing about this whole damn thing is following procedure Catherine, you know that… Look, I really need to speak to Sara… Wait… What do you mean, Sara's locked herself in the bathroom, you've left her alone….' Nick spat out once the rest of the brief conversation caught up with him.

'Nick!' Catherine shouted it 'She's only been in there a minute…'

'Why?'

'Why? I don't know why, she was doing fine, then the phone rang' Catherine lied. She did know why Sara had bolted from the room, but there was no way she could explain this to Nick, not right now, and probably not ever.

'Please… just, try and get her to come out, I really do need to talk to her, to both of you actually… look, there's a couple of things I need to do here, then I'm going to come over… give me… 30 minutes, please, just get her out of the bathroom.'

'Ok' Catherine said quietly before hanging up.

Xxxx

Nick gathered Greg, Archie and Super-Dave in a quiet lab, and explained everything he could to them, from the footage at the bar, to the scene in the hotel room. He left a few details out, like his personal experiences with Sara, the last page of Greg's results, and one or two other things that he would only bring to light if Sara was charged with either crime. He then asked them to keep it all quiet for another few hours, explaining that he had to go and see Sara, that Catherine was with her still, and that no matter what happened, they would all need to support Sara, even if the evidence pointed against her.

Before leaving he called Brass, briefly explained the situation of the alleged rape claim against Sara, and asked Brass to look into it, and if there was any prior connection between the two woman and Mr Hornby. Nick hopes that the closeness he's observed between Brass and Sara over the past few months will not only help with Brass discression with this case, but with the whole mess afterwards.

Xxxx

'Sara…' Catherine gently knocks on the door, a robe pulled tight around her body. She knows she should dress before Nick gets here and asks about her current attired, but right now, her attention is on Sara, she has already been in the bathroom for 5 minutes, which is 5 minutes too long.

'Sara, are you ok?' Catherine says as calmly as possible, she can hear Sara's laboured breathing, but isn't sure of anything else.

'Sara, please, you have to let me in… Nicks on his way over…' Catherine glances up at the clock, before they know it, the Texan will be here, and she wants to try and speak to Sara before he arrives.

'Sara… please…I don't regret what happened, please don't hide because of that…' Catherine says quietly, she's trying to listen for anything that would give her a clue to Sara's actions or frame of mind, but all she can hear is the sound of the water running into the basin. Taking a step away from the door, Catherine quickly gathers her clothes and pulls them on again, as she's pulling her shirt on she chuckles, Nicks going to know something's happened anyway, after all, this isn't the shirt that she was wearing when he left. Walking over to the wardrobe, she opens it, hoping to find something similar, but has no such luck. She thinks about hiding the bloody and wet top, but realises there isn't much point. There's no use hiding anything after all that has happened.

Straightening out her clothes, Catherine moves and sits down with her back against the bathroom door. The water has stopped running by now.

'Sar…are you ok?'

Once again Sara doesn't reply, but Catherine can hear her shuffling around, evidently pacing, and it's reassuring.

'Nicks gonna be here soon… he's got a few answers… a few questions too, he needs to speak to you… please Sara, come out.'

'No' Sara spits out 'No' she spits out again.

'Please…' tears start to fall down Catherine's face 'Please Sara…'

'I can't' Sara replied, her voice quiet and weak 'I can't, please, just leave me alone, arrest me, I don't care, I just don't…can't…speak about this anymore.'

Catherine hears Sara's footsteps stop, and some shuffling, and realises that Sara is now sat on the floor on the other side of the door, and that they are both crying.

Minutes pass with neither of them speaking or moving, and then the knock comes at the door.

Doing her best to wipe the tears away from her eyes, Catherine stands up and crosses the room to the door, opens it, and without even looking at Nick walks over to the bed, and sits on it looking at the floor.

Nick quietly closes the door behind him, placing his field kit and a few folders down on the floor, and then walks over to the only other door in the room and knocks

'Sara. It's Nick…'

'Go away'

'No Sara…' Nick takes up Catherine's previous space on the floor, his back against the bathroom door. It isn't how he wanted to speak to Sara, but he can't just leave.

'What do you want?' Sara spat out

'To make sure you're ok' Nick said, his voice soft, a slight smile on his face.

'Why?' came Sara's whispered response

'Because I care… because I understand…'

Nick heard some shuffling, and then a click. The door didn't open, but Sara had unlocked it at last. Catherine looked up at the noise, and didn't know what to do. She didn't know if she should stay or not, if she was welcomed, but once again the more rational CSI side of her won, and she knew she had too.

'Are you gonna come out Sar, or do you want me to come in?' Nick asked after a further minute of silence. Further shuffling, and then, slowly, the door crept open.

Nick turned, pushing himself to his feet, and as the door opened a little further, and Sara stepped out, he took a step or two backwards. He desperately wanted to take the women in his arms, but right now he didn't know how she would react to being touched.

'Hey' he said his voice almost at a whisper, and faint smile on his lips.

'Hey' Sara smiled shyly back, her eyes dark and blood shot, showing the pain of the last few hours, and the lack of sleep

'How's the hangover?'

Sara shrugged, her head dropped, and she shuffled over to the bed, sitting next to Catherine. Despite everything, and how she had regretted using Catherine like she had by sleeping with her like that, she found some strength in having the women close to her, not that she would ever admit that out loud, she just hoped that Catherine wouldn't decide to get up off the bed.

Nick looked between the two women, but said nothing. Grabbing the folders, and a chair, he sat in front of them.

'So?' Sara asked quietly. Nick looked at Catherine, who just nodded, letting Nick know it was ok to talk, she was happy to hear the news at the same time as Sara, it would after all save Nick from having to explain it all twice.

'Well… there's good news, bad news, weird news…confusing news… where do you want me to start?'

Sara just shrugged once more, and Catherine looked at Nick 'Doesn't matter I guess'

'Guess not…' Nick said opening the folders in his hands

'Some of this is going to be rather hard to hear Sara, and some of it won't make much sense, until you fill in the blanks, ok?'

Sara nodded her understanding

'Ok… well… first, why didn't you tell us you were Diabetic?'

Sara looked up to Nick properly for the first time, confusion etched all over her face, her head then wiping quickly to Catherine's, and then back to Nicks again. 'I'm not…'

'Oh…' Nick said, his face a little puzzled 'Well… that might explain some things then… '

'Explain what Nick?' both Catherine and Sara spat out at the same time.

'Ummm… well, we ran the tox screen on your blood, and we found… a lot… blood alcohol of 0.241 for starts…also, low levels of poppers, nicotine… weed… we also found GHB, an unusually high spike of synthetic insulin, and your blood sugars were high too… all in all, the perfect cocktail for a blackout… and, as you say you aren't diabetic, it sounds like you wouldn't have given yourself a dose of insulin, which… confirms you were drugged, actually… almost lethally so…'

'Oh'

'I'm sorry'

Sara shrugged again, not knowing what else to say, and without fully realising it, slide just a little closer to Catherine.

'What else?' Catherine asked

'Well…I've got a probably C.O.D for the girl, but…..'

'But what?' Catherine interrupted

'Sara…I need to ask you some questions ok, and there not going to be easy to hear…'

Sara nodded, shifting again in the bed, so she was pressed up against the headboard.

'What do you remember?'

'Nothing really…'

'Ok… ' Nick paused, not really knowing how to proceed with his next question

'Umm… Sara, are you still dominant in bed?'

Sara just nodded

'Do you ever let anyone else…gain control?'

Sara shook her head no at this

'Ok… how about, say, when your drunk, or..high?' Sara once again shook her head no.

'Ok…'

'Why all the questions Nick? Catherine asked still sat on the edge of the bed. Although she was talking to Nick, her eyes were on Sara.

'With the evidence I've processed, and.. my character knowledge, the tox screen…the photos.. I'm sorry Sara, but it looks like Rose not only drugged you, but she raped you…'

'Oh' Sara replied, her voice cold, she shrugs again 'Well, not like it's the first time that's ever happened to me.' She said surprisingly calmly given the situation.

Catherine immediately reached out for Sara's hand, even though she expected Sara to jerk away from her touch, but was pleasantly surprised when Sara not only accepted her hand, but entwined their fingers together.

'I'm sorry…'

Sara once again shrugged

'Did you know, before this?' Nick asked, almost whispering

'I told you I don't remember, I'm not lying' Sara replied dejectedly 'why?'

'Well, we haven't got a definite C.O.D, only probable… There is evidence that Rose hit her head on something, probably the bedframe, before dying, but as yet, I don't know if it was an accident, or.. or not… also, her blood levels were unusually low, and she had almost no insulin in her system, but she was registered diabetic… I think, in her attempt to drug, rob, and rape you, she injected you with her own insulin, not realising she would need it herself… the bump on her head, wasn't immediately fatal, but it knock her out, and with her blood sugars as low as they were, we think she fall into some kinda diabetic coma, and died shortly afterwards. If she hadn't hit her head, she wouldn't have died…' Nick paused, and took a deep breath.

'Did you hit her Sara?'

Xxx

A/N I've got so much more for this, but this chapter is already long enough, and once again, I need sleep. I shall write again in the morning.


	13. Tears

Sara didn't respond, didn't flinch, and didn't move.

'Did you hit her Sara?' Nick repeated his voice quiet but angry despite his resolve to try and stay calm.

'Sara?' Catherine called gently after briefly shooting a glare at Nick. 'Sara, sweetie…' Catherine turned her body and gently placed her free hand on the side of Sara's face so she could turn her head slightly towards her.

Sara blinked slowly, registering her surroundings and Catherine's proximity to her, but said nothing.

'Sara… you have to answer Nicks question' Catherine said quietly her thumb rubbing gently across Sara's face. Sara turned her head slightly into the touch and closed her eyes.

'I can't' she whispered after a few more moments silence 'I can't remember… not really… it's.. It's all flashes and fragments…. I don't know if I'm remembering or imagining… '

Nick sighed and ran his hands through his hair 'Oh Sara…' he whispered.

'It's ok… it's ok…' Catherine whispered quietly pulling the younger women into her arms and holding her tightly 'It's ok…'

They all sat quietly for a while, not knowing where to go from here, until Nick broke the silence

'I'm sorry Sara… I… I have a few more questions…'

Sara nodded and pushed herself out of Catherine's arms but didn't say anything. She leant against the headboard, and pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her legs around them, her dressing gown falling open slightly, but she didn't seem to notice or care. Nick cleared his throat and glanced at Catherine before glancing back to Sara, hoping Catherine would see what he had and do something about it.

Catherine quietly and gently reached over to Sara and pulled the fabric of the gown together to cover Sara a little more. Sara looked at what Catherine was doing but said nothing about it.

Nick picked up another one of the folders and pulled out a photograph and handed it to Sara

'Do you know this man?' he asked his voice even.

'Yeah…' Sara whispered quietly 'I met him at a bar two nights ago… but you already knew that… what's this got to do with Rose?' Sara asked her voice getting a little louder.

'I'm not sure yet…not exactly…' Nick answered.

'Oh'

'Did you sleep with him?' Nick asked wanting to get this over with as quickly as possible.

Sara only nodded in response.

'Where?'

'His house… why?' Sara asked

'How did you get there?'

'Taxi, we weren't exactly fit for driving.'

'Can you prove that, that you got a taxi?' Nick asked, and Sara shrugged in response. 'Why is it important?'

Nick passed Sara another photo, this time it showed Sara and Matt leaving the bar, and the image had a red circle on it, highlighting something on Sara's hip.

'Why did you take your Gun to the bar that night?' Nick asked quietly his eyes focused on Sara.

'Nick?' Catherine said confusion in her voice 'What's going on?' Nicks eyes flickered over to Catherine's briefly before going back to Sara's.

'Mr Hornby claims that Sara held him at gunpoint, made him drive, despite the booze, and that she then raped him.'

Sara instantly went pale and before she could lurch from the bed she threw up on herself and started to cry.

Xxxxxx

'Brass' Jim said answering his phone without looking at who had called him.

'Hi…'

'Yes… ok… are you sure?' Jim pressed his fingers against his head sighing 'Thanks… alright, get those files to me as soon as possible. I owe you one…'

'Alright… bye…' he ended the call with a mix of emotions. Relief at some of the news, anger at others, and a deep concern to Sara's emotional state right now and how the information gathered would affect her.

Xxxx

Catherine tried to reach over to Sara, to push the hair out of her face, but Sara instantly jerked away and through herself of the bed and ran towards the mini bar in the main space of the suite. Before either Nick or Catherine could stop her she had reached the bar and was downing a bottle of dark rum not caring how it burnt her already sore throat.

'Stop Sara!' Nick shouted, slowly making his way towards her, not knowing if Sara's reaction was in response to the truth behind the statement, or the lie behind it. He couldn't bring himself to believe Matt Hornby's accusations, but neither could he fully discredit them either. He knew what Sara was like when she drank too much, and knew how dominate she could be in the bedroom. Catherine sat on the bed still, tears flowing, but she couldn't bring herself to move, or to look at Sara.

Sara ignored Nick, the rum trickling slightly over her chin, but she really didn't care. She didn't care if she lost her job, her dignity, or the respect that she had gained from both Nick and Catherine over the years.

'Please Sara… you have to stop…' Nick said pleadingly, a lump caught in his throat, and tears threating to fall.

'Why?' Sara spat out her emotions all over the place, the bottle at her side, a third of it gone already.

'Sara please… whatever you did, we can help… please…' Nick pleaded as Sara once again bought the bottle up to her lips, she took another swig.

'How can you help, when I don't remember?' Sara whispered, once again bringing the bottle up, but before she could bring it to her lips Nick had wrestled it off her.

'Give it back!' Sara screamed 'Give it back!' she tried to wrestle it away, but Nick managed to keep the bottle out of her grasp

'No Sara, No, I can't… you need help…' Nick said the tears now falling, as Catherine sat watching from the bed unable to move.

'You don't know what I need…' Sara spat out.

'I know you're an Alcoholic Sara…' Nick said quietly

'No I'm not!' Sara spat out trying to reach for the bottle again

'I know that your hurt and confused, angry… that you haven't been right since the lab explosion a year ago… actually that you haven't been right for a while…' Nick said calmly whilst still keeping the bottle away from her grasp.

'What do you care?' Sara mumbled, the anger slowly seeping away, and tiredness taking it's place, her behaviour beginning to catch up with her.

'I care because you are my friend, I care because you need our help, and I care because…'

'Shut up!' Sara spat out her voice harsh 'Please… just shut up, don't tell me you care, don't tell me you care…' Sara said her voice breaking.

'But I do care Sara, I do, and Catherine, and everyone else, we all care, and you need help….'

'You don't know anything about me!' Sara spat out turning away from Nick, and walking towards the hotel door.

'I know that you're Pregnant' Nick said, his voice as even as he could make it.


	14. Bathe

A/N- Sorry, this chapter is a bit dark in places.. I know the whole story is. Next chapter should be a bit better.

Xxx

Sara immediately collapsed at his words, her breath laboured and uneven, and seconds later Nick was by her side, his arms wrapping around her slight body.

'You're lying…' she croaked out shaking against his body.

'No sweetie, I'm not' Nick whispered his hold on Sara tight 'I'm sorry' he said mumbling into her hair, his hand trying to make soothing motions on her back to ease her breathing a little.

Catherine still sat frozen on the bed, trying to get her head around everything that had happened since she had seen Sara in the bar parking lot, and trying her best to squash down the feelings of guilt that were bubbling up inside of her because of her actions a year ago. The small whisper of 'what if the lab had never blown up' in her mind. Perhaps none of this would have happened if she had been more careful that night.

Slowly Nick managed to get Sara's breathing under control, and he loosened his grip on her a little bit. 'Hey…' he whispered placing his hand under her chin so he could look at her face 'Everything's going to be alright, ok, you hear me?' Sara nodded slightly and quickly dropped her gaze back down to the floor.

'I'm sorry' Sara mumbled 'I'm sorry…I'm sorry' she tried to pull herself out of Nicks grasp, to move herself away, but Nick wouldn't let her go just yet.

'It's ok…shhh… it's ok…' Nick tried to reassure her. 'Do you want a bath or something… clean yourself up a little?'

Sara nodded weakly in response 'Do you want a hand…?' Nick asked gently and once again Sara nodded yes, unable to bring herself to say yes, to truly admit the need for help and her current weakness.

'Ok sweetie, ok… come on…' Nick said calmly pulling them both up on to their feet. Looking through into the bedroom Nick saw that Catherine was still sat on the bed, her head down, her eyes looking everywhere but at them.

Nick gently guided Sara through into the bathroom, glancing around quickly to admire the suite which was Catherine's home away from home. He noticed the slightly bloody shirt on the floor, but chose not to say anything about it in that moment in time. He gently pushed Sara towards the toilet so she could sit down, and started running that bath, pouring some salts and relaxing oils in. Leaving the water to run he crouched down in front of Sara and gently rested one hand on her knee.

He knew he still had a few questions to ask about the past few nights, that really he should be treating Sara like any other suspect in a crime or case, but right now he also knew that being a friend to her was more important. With their line of work they weren't supposed to go off gut instincts, only hard evidence, but he just couldn't bring himself to believe the evidence, there wasn't much that proved each crime either way, he just had his gut feelings. Sara hadn't raped the man, she hadn't killed that girl. He just had to prove it.

'Sara… do you want me to stay? Or should I get Catherine?'

Sara just shrugged weakly in response 'It doesn't matter' she whispered, unable to bring herself to look at the man before her.

Nick just nodded, and then reached over to turn of the taps, the bath now full with warm water. He stood and walked back towards the bedroom calling 'Cath…'

Catherine was still sat on the bed, though her tears had dried up a little by now, her shoulders were hunched forward and her gaze was fixed on the floor 'Yeah?' She asked lifting her head up slightly

'Do you think…?' Nick asked gesturing behind him. Catherine nodded slowly and stood up 'Sure' she mumbled walking towards the bathroom, although she still hadn't properly looked up at him.

'Thanks… I need to call Brass' Nick said stepping out of the way.

Stepping into the bathroom Catherine put on a brave face and walked over to Sara, kneeling down like Nick had done moments ago she placed her hand over Sara's.

'Come on, let's get you in the bath…' She gently tugged on Sara's hand, pulling her up and towards the tub. When they got close enough Catherine reached down with her spare hand to undo the loose knot in the robe Sara was wearing.

Neither woman said anything else whilst Sara got in, and Catherine kept her gaze averted as best as she could, and then crouched down at the side of the tub.

'Are you ok?' Catherine asked at last, her hand swirling in the water, her gaze watching the ripples, but occasionally looking up at Sara's face, trying to gloss over the scars and marks on her body.

'Did you know that, sometimes, Gambling isn't about winning… it's about breaking even.' Sara replied coldly. Catherine's brow furrowed in confusion, of all the answers she had expected, this wasn't even in the top 100, and she was about to say as much, when it dawned on her that it was just Sara's way of starting up a conversation with which she was uncomfortable, or when she was about to confess something.

'No, I didn't know that' Catherine said, a small smile on her face, she reached for a flannel, soaked it, and then started to gently rub it across the top of Sara's chest. It seemed that Sara talked a little more, and was slightly more at ease when there was physical contact, although Catherine still wasn't sure exactly Sara how she had felt, and was now feeling, about there earlier activities.

Sara moved her hand to cover Catherine's, her gaze looking briefly at their hands, before turning and looking towards the wall.

'Have you ever been raped?' Sara asked quietly.

'Yeah…' Catherine replied quietly

'Eddie?'

'Yeah'

'How many times?' Sara asked turning her head ever so slightly, but still unable to bring herself to look at Catherine.

'3' came the whispered reply, as she squeezed the brunette's hand. Sara nodded slightly and moved her hand so their fingers were once again linked.

'How many people have you slept with?' Sara asked her gaze fixed on their hands. She was vaguely aware that Nick was stood hovering in the doorway, but she didn't really care. It would be easier to say this only once. Catherine was aware of Nick's presence as well, and was reluctant to answer anymore of Sara's questions, but she once again recognised that in order for Sara to open up, she would have to open up too.

'Umm… well, off the top of my head… I guess… 12? Maybe… 12.5' she chuckled slightly

Sara frowned, slightly confused by the answer 'How can you sleep with half a person?'

'Well… I was interrupted before…'

'Oh…' Sara blushed slightly, and Nick caught it and frowned, and then it clicked into place for him, and he couldn't help but choke a little. Catherine and Sara glanced up briefly to look at him, and he tried his best to look as if he hadn't heard anything.

'It's ok Nick… you probably would have found out eventually…' Catherine sighed before turning back to look at Sara, her hand reaching up to caress Sara's cheek lightly, a small smile playing across her lips as Sara leant into the touch.

'Do you two want me to leave…' Nick asked quietly. Catherine looked at Sara, silently letting her know that it was her call.

'Stay…'

Nick nodded, and slid down the door frame so he was sitting on the floor.

'23' Sara said eventually, her voice so quiet that at first no one realised she had spoken.

'I've been raped 23 times'

'I'm sorry…' Catherine whispered, a lump in her throat, whilst Nick sat there fists clenching and unclenching in anger. He knew that Sara had been abused at least once in her past, but he had never known it was this bad.

Sara just shrugged, 'It's ok…not your fault.' Sara slid quickly under the water, submerging her face, allowing her hair to soak, after a few seconds the came back up.

'Can you wash my hair…please?'

'Sure Sweetie' Catherine smiled, reaching for a bottle of shampoo, she poured some out, as Sara adjusted herself in the bath tub, pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around her legs. As Catherine began to wash her hair, Sara relaxed a little, and started to talk.

'I've been trying to break even forever… since I realised I could.' She took a deep breath 'Since I realised I could have a say over who touches my body. I thought… perhaps, if I could sleep with more people than the number of times I've been raped, then I would start to feel better… '

Catherine paused, unsure of what to say, and Nick just sat there quietly.

'I broke even once… number 13.' Sara closed her eyes, and wrapped her arms around her legs a little tighter, and all Catherine could do was continue massaging the shampoo into Sara's hair.

'Could you believe that I made it to 13 by the time I was 27? And that was just the people I chose to be with… that number doesn't include the handful of people who abused me.'

Sara let her arms fall away from her knees, as she slide herself down once more into the tub to rinse away the suds in her hair. For a long moment, she doesn't resurface, and just as Catherine is about to pull her back up, she lifts her body out of the water.

'The 14th raped me in a club toilet… I was so drunk that night. Even as a CSI, I knew I couldn't prove it, and quiet honestly… I didn't want anyone to know. A few days later I got the call from Grissom, about Holly, about Warrick, and so I came here, happy to forget what had happened. I carried on sleeping around, hoping to get past that number, you know, to break even… ' With this Sara suddenly broke down, tears falling from her face. Where she had seemed slightly too calm before in her admissions, now she had lost it. Leaning over Catherine pulled her to her chest, wrapping the younger women in a hug, not caring that she would get damp.

'Nick… help me get her out…'

Nick stood and grabbed a towel from the radiator, stepping towards them, as Catherine stood up from the floor, pulling Sara up with her. Nick draped the towel around Sara's body, and then gently picked her up and out of the tub, and carefully carried her to the bed.

Lying Sara down on to the bed, Nick carefully moved the covers, and then placed them over Sara. Moments later Catherine stepped into the room, slipping off her wet top, she grabbed a second robe and pulled it on as quickly as she could.

Sara was lying on her side, tears streaming down her face, her eyes closed and her breathing heavy. Nick crouched down beside her, and gently ran his hand through her damp hair, as Catherine made the decision to get in the bed, under the cover with Sara, not caring how it might look to Nick right now, only knowing that she couldn't leave Sara alone.

Catherine slid herself closer to Sara, and tentatively placed an arm over Sara's side, her fingers making small motions on her arm, trying to soothe the younger women. Sara eased herself slightly into Catherine's hold, her breathing evening out slightly.

'I should let you get some sleep…' Nick said quietly his hand still in Sara's hair.

Sara closed her eyes tighter, and her body relaxed a little more, Catherine's presence soothing her, and the movement of her fingers distracting her.

Nick stood up, placing a kiss on Sara's forehead, and made to step away from the bed, but then Sara's hand caught his, and he once again crouched down

'Stay…' she whispered sleepily, clearly exhausted both emotional and physically from everything she had been through in the past couple of days.

Nick looked at Catherine, trying to read what she thought of the idea without saying anything, and she gently nodded, letting him know that she thought it would be a good idea if he listened to Sara's request.

'Ok…' Nick whispered quietly, trying to make himself more comfortable on the floor without letting go of Sara's hand.

No one said anything for about five minutes, Sara's breathing so even, that they both thought she had fallen asleep, so they were both a little startled when they heard Sara speak.

'How far along?'

Nick didn't have to ask what she meant by that question, but was a little surprised that she didn't know the answer herself, that she hadn't already known.

'10 weeks sweetie' Nick whispered, running his thumb over the back of Sara's hand gently.

'Déjà vu' Sara whispered, moments before she fall asleep.


	15. Watches

A/n – Sorry it's been so long, I got distracted with my other story, and watching CSI, and working, working, bloody working… Anyways, here's the next bit…

Xxx

Nick sat awkwardly on the floor, his hand still in Sara's, and he looked at his watch, he had been there for nearly an hour now, and as exhausted as he was, he couldn't bring himself to sleep. He wanted to be there when Sara woke up, but he also wanted to carry on with the investigation, to talk to Catherine, to Brass again, but he feared leaving Sara's side right now. Several times he had started to speak to Catherine, but the words had caught in his throat, and after a while, it had become apparent, that Catherine too, had fallen asleep.

Thoughts were running through his mind, especially Sara's mumbled words of 'Déjà vu' and the fact that Sara seemed to have had no idea she was pregnant, or even how far along she was. Although he now had a fairly got idea of what had happened the past few nights, it was clear there was still a lot that he didn't know. Eventually, he drifted to sleep, his hand in Sara's, and his head leant awkwardly against the bed.

Xxx

'Mr Hornby, thanks for coming in again, my names Captain Jim Brass… I'm sorry, but I have a few more questions about the assault you reported to my colleague Nick Stokes…' Brass said whilst gesturing to a seat.

Matt took the seat, but didn't relax 'Look… I've told you everything I can, I know I should have said something sooner… but I was embarrassed…'

Brass just nodded, his arms crossed over his chest 'That's ok, I understand… But, it would really help if you answered my questions… this shouldn't take long…'

Matt just nodded 'Ok…if it will help…'

'Do you know a Rose Hornby?' Brass asked, doing his best to keep his voice even

'Ummm… Well… Yes, she's my ex-wife… Why?' Matt stuttered

'When was the last time you saw her?'

Matt furrowed his brow, confused 'What has this got to do with the bitch who raped me?'

Brass slammed his hands down on the table 'Answer the damn question!' he snapped

'Ummm… about 4 months ago, when I filed for divorce…'

'Are you sure about that?' Brass asked, his voice low.

Matt just nodded his head, not wanting to speak, knowing he was caught in a lie, but unsure what to say to justify it. Brass opened a folder, and pulled out two photos, one of himself and Sara leaving the bar, the other of Rose leaving seconds later. 'Looks to me as if you saw her two nights ago, the same night that you claimed Miss Sidle, a valuable and trusted colleague and friend of mine, assaulted you… it's clear your lying about when you last saw your ex-wife…. What else are you lying about?'

Matt just looked at the photos and stuttered 'She's...She's a friend? So… So what, you're covering up what she did to me? I'm the victim here!' Matt said, getting louder and louder.

Brass slammed his hands into the desk again, shocking the other man into silence 'Shut up!' he snapped 'I've checked your records… you haven't filed for divorce at all, and you tried to phone your wife several times last night… why?'

'No comment…'

'Oh, well, I'll leave that line of questioning for now then… I'll just show you some photos instead…' Brass pulled out a couple more photos from the folder, and threw one down, this being a photo of Sara, covered in bruises and scratches. It wasn't the most revealing, but it told enough, and it made Brass sick to look at it. 'This, as you will recognise, is Miss Sidle… now, she was raped… by your wife… she was robbed and drugged too… think long and hard before you answer… did you know about this?'

Matt reached out to take the photo, but Brass pulled it out of his reach.

'No…No, I didn't know… I swear…'

'Are you sure about that… you tried phoning Rose whilst Rose and Sara were in each other's company… are you sure you weren't phoning to see if Rose had managed to rob her yet?'

'No… no, it wasn't like that!'

'Then tell me, what was it like…?'

Xxx

Sara stirred slightly in her sleep, and shifted her body a little, her hand slipping from Nicks grip, her body pushing further into Catherine's, and then she settled down again. Nick had instantly noticed the absence of her hand, and rolled his neck, trying to work out the kinks that had formed from sleeping in such an awkward position. Nick stretched, and stood up, looking at the two women on the bed. In any other setting, he would have thought it lovely how they were holding each other so close, but the circumstances that had led to this situation were awful, and he felt a sadness within himself. Walking over to the chair, he settled himself down, and hoped to get a bit more sleep before either woman woke up.

When Sara had stirred, Catherine had woken briefly, and pulled Sara closer to her, and was vaguely aware of Nick standing and walking to the chair, she thought about saying something, but the warmth of Sara's body against hers had quickly sent her back to sleep. Another few hours passed, and then a shrill ring penetrated the space, as Nicks phone began to ring, and all 3 people shot awake, startled by the noise.

Xxx

'I really did try to divorce her… but, well, she didn't make it easy… after a while, well… I dunno… I guess, we went back to doing what we did best… pulling small cons, easy marks, bedding them, and robbing them…. After a while though… Rose got jealous… she started working against me… stalked me… she followed me to the bar the other day… I tried to pretend like I didn't know… then… I took Miss Sidle home…I lied before… we took a taxi, she didn't use her gun… she didn't rape me…'

'Why did you lie, why did you make such a hideous claim? What did Sara ever do to you…?'

Matt hung his head in shame 'She didn't… Rose did… I followed Rose the next night… I saw her at the club with a brunette… saw her with Miss Sidle… I was angry, angry that Miss Sidle could so easily move on to another quick and easy fuck, and livid that it was Rose… I didn't think it was any coincidence that Rose was there, but… I don't really know…I don't know… I can't prove anything… I kept myself hidden… watched them leave… hoped that maybe Rose would just rob the girls, then leave… I tried phoning… she didn't answer… I tried several times, but, nothing, no answer… '

Matt shrugged 'I gave up, after a while… but then, I noticed that her credit card had been rejected at some posh hotel… I was pissed all over again… we never took marks to somewhere so…expensive… I knew then, that this was more of a revenge ploy against me… that perhaps Rose would do something stupid… and try and blame me… I ….' Matt paused, rubbing his eyes 'I … I know some of her tricks… how… unstable she can be sometimes… '

'What tricks?' Brass demanded

'Drugs… she drugs her marks sometimes… gets rough… I…I wanted to go to the hotel… to confront her… but, when I got there, I saw Miss Sidle… she looked, well, she looked awful… I tried to phone Rose again, but she wouldn't answer… I knew something was wrong…I didn't know what to do… '

He stood, and started pacing the room 'I waited… phoned a few more times… then, a coroner came… I panicked… I… I just knew… Miss Sidle killed my wife!' he shouted, swinging his arms wildly 'She killed her!' he collapsed on to the floor 'I knew you'd cover it up, so I thought I'd accuse her of abusing me, so she would at least go to jail for that… '

Mr Hornby broke down at that, tears wracking his body, but Brass just couldn't bring himself to care. Instead, he threw down a picture at the man's feet; a picture of his wife's body lay in the bed in which she had died.

'Sara didn't do this… '

Xxxx

Nick wiped the sleep from his eyes, and fumbled for his phone 'Stokes…' he answered trying not to yawn

'Nick, it's Greg… listen, I've got another break in the case…'

Nick sat up, now fully awake, his attention on Greg

'Ok… let me put you on speaker phone… hang on… we just woke up, it's been rough here, what have you got?'

Greg smiled a little, glad that someone had at least got a little rest

'Hey…' he said aware that he was on speaker now

'How you doing Sara?' he asked gently, wanting to know how she was before telling them the good news.

Sara just shrugged, forgetting for a moment that he couldn't see them. 'Ask me again once this nightmare is over…' she whispered, not wanting to tear herself from Catherine's arms, but knowing she should probably sit up a little.

'I know Sara… ' Greg said, and then paused briefly 'Look… I've got good news…you know that fancy watch of yours…'

'Yeah…' Sara mumbled

'Well… it proves your innocence…' Greg said, the smile evident in his voice. With this Sara quickly sat up more, her heart racing, staring at the phone in Nick's hand, one of her hands on her stomach once more, absentmindly rubbing against it, something she has been doing more and more lately, even if she wasn't always aware of it.

'How?' she managed to whisper

'Well… it notes your heart rate, right?'

Sara just nodded again, not sure what to say

'Well… that watch was worth every freakin penny! I can tell, looking at the data, that… well… you had sex… then slept… then there's about 2 minutes where nothing is recorded… this must have been when Rose stole the damn thing off you… anyways… then the heartbeat tracks again… this time, a slightly different tempo… clearly, not yours… anyways… it tracks normally for…I dunno… about 2 hours… then there's this…spike… then, shortly afterwards, it flat lines… we have an accurate time of death for Rose… also, an accurate time of when she hit her head… you weren't in the room for either occasion… it was an accident… congratulations Sara, a worthwhile $300 investment pays off!'

Both Catherine's and Nick's jaws drop at this '$300?' Catherine whispers at the same time as Nick say 'A watch told you all that?'

Sara sits quietly, tears streaming down her face. Catherine and Nick watch Sara silently; this wasn't the reaction they were expecting at all.

'Thanks Greg… Look… I'll call you back, were gonna be here a while longer…' Nick states, disconnecting the call before Greg could say anything further.

Xxxxxx

A/n – Still a bit more planned for this story, but, once again… I need sleep! The idea of the watch is based on Fitbits… although I'm not exactly sure if such things existed back when this would be set… but let's pretend. Hopefully more up at the weekend, if I'm not working.

A review would be much appreciated!

Emz


	16. Lullaby

Nick put the phone down, and then moved to sit on the bed next to Sara, who was yet to say anything after hearing Greg's news about her innocence. She had gone through so much in the past few hours, let alone the past few weeks, months and years that she now didn't know what to do. Tears continued to fall down her face, but she made no attempt to stop them, or to even move, it was like she was frozen.

Catherine was sat just behind her, arms loosely around her, trying to offer support. 'Sara?' Nick whispered, almost scared to how she would act and behave now. 'Sara? Talk to us…'

At last Sara turned her head, so it was at once both leaning against Catherin's shoulder, and so she was looking at Nick 'What happens now?' Sara choked out, her mind still all over the place. Catherine pulled her a little closer, and looked at Nick, a quick and silent conversation taking place between them. Catherine was the first to speak 'We get you help…whatever it takes…the hospital for the baby… therapy and rehab for you… we'll help you through this Sara… whatever it takes…'

Sara tried to protest, to pull herself from Catherine's arms once more, but this only made Catherine hold her closer, whilst Nick edged closer too, placing his hand on Sara's leg.

'No…No, I don't need therapy… please… don't…'

'You do Sara…you do….' Catherine and Nick said at the same time.

Sara kept trying to protest 'Please… I can't…I can't… please…'

'Sara… Sweetie… You have too, you've been hurting for far too long, and you need someone to help you…someone to help you and this baby…' Catherine said softly, moving to place her hand on Sara's stomach. Instead of calming Sara down like she had hoped, this only made Sara angrier, which in Catherine's mind, only proved the need for professional help and intervention more.

Sara wrenched herself from the grips of both people 'I don't want help!' she screamed and began to pace the room, unsure where to go from here. Nick and Catherine just watched her, unsure what to say or do to make the situation better, and neither of them wanted to make it worse.

Sara paced for a few more moments, and then stopped, turning to them both, her eyes pointed to the floor 'I'm scared…' she choked out 'I'm really scared… I don't even know if I want this…' she raised her arm to her stomach 'After Rose… after last year…' she swallowed, and turned away again, almost in shame. 'I didn't know what I wanted… what I was going to do.. after last time… I just… I don't know… I couldn't bring myself to make a decision… I tried to ignore it for a while… I was trying to figure it all out… but then…' With this, Sara sank to the floor, although her body language still screamed to be left alone. 'But then… well then, the lab was blown up… and the decision was taken out of my hands….'

Xxxxx

'Yes she did!' Mr Hornby screamed 'She killed my wife, but I knew you would protect her, so I had to do something to make sure she paid!'

Brass slammed his hands down on the table once more, pushing the photo of Rose's body closer to him 'No…No, it was an accident, caused by her…' she slammed his finger on to the picture '…stupidity! She drugged my friend with the wrong thing, took advantage of my friend, robed, and rapped, my friend, and then passed out all because of some stupid vendetta against you, and for dosing my friend with insulin, which meant she didn't have any for herself when she needed it. She could have killed Sara, but Sara didn't kill her, your wife's death was an accident, a bad, self-inflicted accident. But, but you, coming in here, pressing false charges against someone in law enforcement, someone who I, and the rest of the department care a lot about, was deliberate, intentional and malicious, and for that, Mr Hornby, you are under arrest for obstruction of justice, and whatever else I can find to charge you with!' By now, Brass was so loud, his face flushed with anger, his heart rate beating so fast, he was not only leaning on the table to intimate, but also to keep himself upright. 'Get him out of here!' he directed to the uniformed officer in the room, who had had the sense to not interrupt the older man's shouting speech.

Xxxx

Once again Sara began to sob uncontrollably, her arms wrapped tightly around her legs, she rocked back and forth a little, her eyes shut, and through the sobs, she began to hum a little. Nicks eyes flitted between Sara and Catherine, unsure what to say or do. He had quickly realised that Catherine had known about the previous pregnancy that had ended with the unfortunate explosion, her saw the guilt plastered over her face, the tenseness of the older woman's body, the silent tears, and he saw Sara hunched over herself, trying to close off from the world around her. So he sat there, unmoving, in silence, afraid to make things worse, and once again unsure on how to make anything better. Catherine opened her mouth to speak a few times, but couldn't find the right words, so after a few moments of trying, she had turned her back, and lay back down on the bed, hiding herself under the covers, hiding herself away from the situation, wishing and hoping she could undo the past 2 days, the past year.

Sara continued to hum, Catherine tried her best to ignore it, and Nick just sat between the two. Time passed, and other than the quiet humming from Sara, and old and traditional lullaby, no sounds were made. After a while, Nicks phone rang again, but her quickly rejected the call without even looking at who was trying to reach him, he didn't want to disturb the room, but, he hadn't been quick enough. Catherine stirred slightly, almost rolling over at the noise, she hadn't been asleep, but she had come close. Sara had stopped her humming, blinked a few times, and stretched.

Silently, she stood, walked over to the bed, and without a word, she pushed the covers back, slid into the bed, and spooned herself around Catherine's back, and then looked at Nick, her eyes asking him to join them in the bed. Nick thought about it for a moment, turned his phone to silent, then slipped under the covers, Sara now sandwiched between them. He put his arm around her, his fingertips brushing lightly on Catherine's waist, and even though there was a lot still to talk about, they all quickly drifted off to sleep.

Xxx

Sara shifted a little in her sleep, she felt warm and safe, something she hadn't really felt in a long time, and she cursed the headache that was still pounding in her head, shifting again, her eyes shot open, as she registered where she was, and who she was with. She could feel Nick pressed up against her back, and something pressed against the top of her thighs. She smiled a little, and then deliberately moved again, wanting to see if she really felt what she thought she did. Smiling again, she contemplated rolling over and waking Nick up with a kiss, the hormones for her pregnancy causing her to throw logic and reasoning out of the window. Instead, she started to move her hand in a light pattern against Catherine's stomach, wanting to test the waters a little. She felt Catherine's stomach tense a little, heard a quiet moan escape the blondes lips, and her smile and her lust only increased. With that, her mind was made up, consequences damned, she figured she'd already lost her job, so didn't care about the fallout this may cause. Raising her head a little, she pulled Catherine a little closer, and started to place gentle kisses on the women's neck, her fingers still caressing her stomach, whilst she pushed her hips back a little, pushing herself closer into Nick.

Nicks response was almost immediate, almost primal, his body reacting to the body next to his, his mind not fully realising where he was, and who he was with. He began to place kisses along Sara's shoulders, which only made her move more, a new intensity in her actions. Hand still caressing Catherine, she inched her hand lower, pressing firmly, and with this Catherine began to stir. She knew immediately where she was, who she was with, she could feel Sara's hand travelling south, Nicks fingers still resting lightly on her hip, and was about to pull herself away, when she felt Sara moan in the her neck, a thrust from Nick having meant the Sara herself was pushed further in her.

Throwing caution to the wind, Catherine realised she needed this do, having had been interrupted before, she realised her body was still tense, and that anything else could be dealt with later. They were all adults, and the past few hours had really taken a toll on her. Right now, she needed a release, any fall out could be dealt with later. She pushed herself back against Sara, now fully awake, and took Sara's hand, guiding it lower, before releasing it, and moving her hand backwards, over Sara, to rest on Nick's hip, trying to pull him closer. It was this action that bought Nick fully to his senses. He paused in his actions, and started to pull away, 'Don't stop…' Catherine and Sara gasped out at the same time.


	17. Passion

A/N – Sorry for the delay, again. This chapter is going to start with a threesome and smut… be prepared. I've been thinking about this scene for a while now…

Xxx

Nick hesitated for a moment more, but as Sara once again pressed herself into him, he relaxed and choose to let go, and he began to rock his hips against the brunette, his hand pulling Catherine's hip closer. Sara slid her hand further down, toying with the edge of Catherine's waistband, slipping under slightly, whilst Nick nuzzled his mouth into the crook of Sara's neck.

'Sure…?' he whispered, his hand now on top of Sara's, helping her bring it closer to Catherine's apex, with this both woman could only moan. Catherine twisted slightly, breath hitching 'Clothes…off…' with this they all smirked and quickly pulled apart, each hastily removing their clothes, their desires overcoming any thoughts of teasing and foreplay. They quickly tumbled back into the bed, Sara once again between them. Catherine quickly pushed Sara from her side on to her back, straddling her, and kissing across the brunettes neck and shoulders, whilst Nick lay to the side, his hand rubbing once again over Catherine's hip, and his lips findings Sara's, they kissed deeply whilst Catherine explored Sara's body. No one spoke, but they all responded well to one another, knowing what they wanted to do, knowing instinctvly what they wanted done to one another.

Catherine kissed across Sara's chest, down to her breasts, and ran her tongue around the piercing, rocking gently against Sara, their centres rubbing together. Sara bucked at the sensation, the friction being caused, and in turn bit Nicks lip, one hand raking nails on Catherine's hip, the other tangling in Nicks hair. After a few minutes, Sara pulled away from Nick, and pulled Catherine up, grabbing her in an intense and lust filled kiss, tongues battling, and then almost abruptly pushing Catherine off her and to the side so they were spooning, Sara's back to Nick, still sandwiched in the middle. Sara quickly moved her leg so it was hooked over Catherine's, bringing them closer, and slowly started to grind into Catherine's back. Reaching behind her, she deftly grabbed Nicks manhood, pumping it a few times, hoping he would get the hint that she wanted him a lot closer. Nick grinned, thrusting forward, the angle a challenge, but one he was very happy to explore. He had been with Sara enough times now to know what she wanted, and how to give it to her. Quickly, but not forcefully, he entered Sara, as he did so, Sara herself entered Catherine with three fingers, causing the women to gasp slightly at the shook, and then to shudder in delight.

Still Nick wanted to feel closer, and so with one hand propped under his head for leverage, he bought his other across Sara, to Catherine, and started to caress her breasts, thrusting all the while deep into Sara's core, as Sara thrust with his actions, her hand moving frantically inside Catherine's own core, fingers flexing and curling, her thumb rubbing against the older woman's clit, sometimes so gently Catherine could barely feel it, and at others so intensely that she wasn't sure if she was experiencing pain or pleasure, but not wanting it to ever stop.

Groaning, Catherine moved her hand to join Sara's, pushing the hand harder against her core, hips bucking wildly now, the combined feeling of Nick and Sara's hand pushing her close to the edge.

Catherine was currently in heaven, her senses on overload, and she found herself quickly falling over the edge. She knew that Sara knew it too, Nick too, but she didn't care, and she didn't want to stop. She kept Sara's hand inside her for a while longer, rocking against the brunette's hand, before it got too much, and she felt she had to do something in return before they were all spent. Pulling Sara's hand up and away, she bought the hand up to her mouth, and started to kiss it, licking away the wetness that had coated Sara's fingers, before deftly rolling over, and capturing Sara's lips with her own once again. She grinned into the kiss, a thought forming, and one she hoped the people she shared a bed with would agree with.

'Sara…' she mumbled into the kiss 'I want to taste you….come up here…'

Nick grunted and bucked wildly at this, almost losing control, knowing what she meant, but feeling a little taken aback, as it wasn't an activity he could easily join in with. He wanted Sara, he wasn't entirely sure how much he wanted Catherine, or if Catherine wanted him, until she whispered her next words '…Nick… I want you to fuck me…now!'

Now it was Sara's turn to groan, the thought of riding Catherine like that, whilst she was having sex with Nick was an unexpected turn on, and so she grinned, sliding carefully from Nick, and moving herself over Catherine who was now lay flat on her back. Creeping further up, she placed herself over Catherine's waiting mouth, leaning her body against the wall, whilst she felt Nick move to straddle Catherine behind her, Catherine's legs spread to give Nick access, and so they began again, Nicks hand eventually finding Sara's breasts, pulling her back towards him, as he angled himself to better thrust into Catherine below.

Soon a second orgasm washed over Catherine, timed perfectly with Sara's first, and it was all Nick could to not to let himself go too, but he didn't want this to be over yet. Thrusting a few more times into Catherine, he gently pulled Sara up, away from Catherine's lips, and pushed her so she was lying face down on the bed. Now for the first time, he leaned down and kissed Catherine, groaning at the taste he knew to be Sara on the blonde's lips. Catherine pushed herself up, drawing Nick even further inside her, one hand pulling on his hip, the other tracing a pattern on Sara's arm. Slowly, she pulled away, looking Nick in the eye, a smile on her lips, hoping that he could read her intentions, smiling, he thrusted a few more times, before pulling out, and then moving to straddle Sara from behind, pulling her hips up slightly from the bed, he once again slid into her, the angle a little more awkward, but all the more sensual for it, whilst Catherine lay on her back, her own hand now sliding down to her own folds, she bucked against herself, and all Sara could do was watch, unable to move to much with Nick pressed against her like he was 'No fair…' she whispered smiling. Catherine turned her head 'Just wait…' she moaned, her own hand pumping even faster in and out of her own wetness.

Nick watched as Catherine pleasured herself, trying his best not to orgasm just yet, there was one more thing he wanted to do, and if he had read Catherine right, she wanted it to. He just hoped Sara did. He knew that she was fairly open to anything in the bedroom, but he also knew that normally she liked to be in control, and right now, it was more of a free for all. When Catherine bought herself to climax, he thrust deeply into Sara, before pulling out, knowing it was now or never. He quickly moved Sara so she was on her side again, lifting her leg up and backwards so it was hooked over his, and Catherine took this as her cue, she too rolled to her side, and grabbed Sara's hand, bringing it between her legs, guiding Sara to where she needed her, whilst she bought her fingers up to Sara's already wet and welcoming centre. After a few moments of them pleasing each other, Nick took his chance, as Catherine's fingers sunk once more into Sara's fold, thumb brushing over her swollen clit, Sara bucked, and Nick pressed himself into Sara, truly from behind, hoping that she wouldn't reject this, and extremely pleased as she groaned in pleasure from the double assault on her body.

Sara started moaning, lips finding Catherine's shoulder, she bit down, trying to supress a scream of pleasure as Nick continued to thrust inside her, and Catherine's fingers curled again and again. Eventually, when they thought it couldn't get any better, they all tumbled off the cliff, and into a scorching, shared orgasm, that seemed as if it wouldn't ever end, the knowledge of the other two people orgasming, extending their own, until they collapsed utterly exhausted, slowly extracting from one another.

'Fuck….' Sara whispered, whilst Catherine just had the biggest grin on her face from the passion they had all just shared. Nick leant over, placing a kiss on Catherine's shoulder, and then one on Sara's, before quietly getting up and heading to the bathroom, unsure how to deal with what had just happened, he turned on the shower, and stood under it in a daze.

Sara pulled Catherine into her arms, and started to kiss her gently, she didn't know where this would leave any of them, but right now, she didn't want to think of anything else, especially the events that had lead her here. Catherine kissed her back, fingers lightly running up and down her side 'Again…' she whispered into the kiss 'Again…' Sara agrees, flipping the blonde on to her back, as she moved down her body to her over sensitive and waiting centre.

Xxx

Hope you enjoyed! Sorry, I just really needed to get that out, the next chapter will actually be back to the case and Sara's issues… thanks for reading. Please review.


	18. Confessions

Nick stood under the shower, mind all over the place, still coming down from the euphoric high. Washing himself down, he couldn't help the groan that escaped him as the water sprayed over his sensitive sex, trying his best to shrug it off, he closed his mind as best he could, trying to ignore the sounds he could hear coming from the bed. 10 minutes later, he shut the water off, dried off with a towel, and then quietly stepped into the room. He observed the two woman for a moment, Catherine was now going down on Sara, and Sara, eyes clamped shut, was withering in delight. Gathering his clothes, and pulling them on, he watched a moment longer, before storming out the room, almost in disgust with what had just happened, and fraught with confusion about the whole situation and Sara's mental frame of mind. It was only as the door slammed behind him that Catherine reluctantly stopped her motions, and Sara came to her senses.

Catherine pulled away from Sara, completely unsure of what to do now, whilst Sara herself looked like a deer in the headlights. As Catherine was about to bolt from the bed, an action which echoed Sara's hours ago, Sara grasped her arm, and pulled the woman up and kissed her gently for a moment, before rolling to her side, and pulling the covers over them both.

After a minute of silence, Catherine loosely holding Sara, the brunette began to speak

'Do you really think I need therapy?' She whispered, her voice timid, her fingers playing with Catherine's hand.

Catherine's breath hitched for a moment, not sure how to start such a conversation after the intimacy they had shared. 'Maybe… I think you need to get sober… and if therapy helps… first though, you need to think about this…' she moved her hand so it was lay flat on Sara's stomach, and gently caressed it, the knowledge of a baby inside causing many different emotions to rush through her, all confusing, she could only imagine how Sara could be feeling herself.

Almost as quickly as Catherine had placed her hand there, Sara had moved it away again, and didn't speak again.

'Sara?' Catherine whispered after five minutes

'Yeah?' Sara mumbled back

'How are you feeling?'

Sara just shrugged, leaning a little more into Catherine's arms 'I don't know where to even start with that one Cat… why don't you ask me something else… I'll answer if I can…'

In response Catherine placed a kiss on the younger women's shoulder, and with lips still pressed on the soft skin, she asked 'Do you regret this… sleeping with Nick and I?'

'Never' came her instant reply

'What happens now?' Catherine asked placing another kiss on her shoulder.

'I don't know… I guess, we go to the hospital… I don't know what Nick wants, what you want… what I need, or deserve… I have a lot of thinking to do…' Sara said as confidently as she could, although her voice was very quiet, her fingers once again playing with Catherine's

'Do you want this to happen again?' Catherine asked, her voice so low Sara almost didn't hear.

'No' came Sara's firm reply.

'Oh…' Catherine mumbled, pulling away slightly.

Sara tightened her hold on Catherine's hand 'I mean, I don't want to sleep with You AND Nick again, or just Nick… I think… I think, I'd be happy with just You… But it's complicated Cat… I'm Pregnant… and…. Well… Nick's probably right… I do…. I… I …' Sara started stammering, finding it difficult to find the right words, another kiss on her shoulder gave her a little more courage 'I do have a problem with alcohol… and, I may not have killed that girl, but I have a lot of issues, a lot of baggage… and I've been accused of raping someone… I don't know if I did or not… I mean….' Sara started stuttering again 'I… I don't… I … I didn't… did I? I can't remember too much… '

'Shhh….' Catherine whispered 'Shhhh… One thing at a time ok… one thing at a time…'

Sara just nodded, her fingers slowing. Again the room fall quiet, Sara's breathing evening out, nearing sleep.

A thought was nagging at Catherine's mind though, and she wasn't sure how to voice it, if now was even the time to voice it. Closing her eyes, she figured it could wait, but before sleep could claim her, there was a loud and insistent knocking at the door.

Grumbling she reluctantly rolled out of bed, slipped into a dressing gown, and went to the door, Sara now fast asleep.

Xxx

Nick stood outside the hotel room, happy with the news he had just gotten from Brass, but also nervous to see the two women he had just been so intimate with. Putting on a professional front, he waited for the door to be answered.

Catherine tightened the robe before opening the door, and was a little unsure of how to respond too seeing Nick stood before her

'Nick…' she greeted, stepping aside and opening the door wider so he could walk into the room

'It's ok… I'm not stopping… I've just got off the phone with Brass… he'd been trying to reach one of us for a while… anyway, since learning about Roses' death being an accident, Mr Hornby has since withdrawn his accusation of Sara raping him, claiming he did it out of spite, as Rose was his wife… it's a little complicated, but the upshot of it is, Sara has done nothing wrong, no charges will be made.' Nick paused her 'Umm… Brass did see the receipts from the bar… and the club… and Sara's blood alcohol level though… he wants to see Sara as soon as possible… It's kinda getting a little hard now to keep this away from too many prying eyes…' he ran his hands through his hair 'Look… if Ecklie gets a hold of this… or Grissom… it won't matter how innocent or not Sara is, it could end her job and her career.. I… I think the best thing would be for Sara to come clean to at least Grissom directly, before he hears it from one of us or see's test results…'

'I know…' Catherine agreed, leaning against the door, looking down at the floor.

'Look… Nick… about…' she gestured behind herself to the bed

'It's ok… it happened… it was good at the time, but, now we move on, and just help Sara… we can't pretend it didn't happen, but just be clear, it won't happen again…' Nick said also looking at his feet.

'Sara's a good person, who's gone through hell and back, she doesn't need this kind of complication in her life Catherine, she's so fragile right now, I don't think a relationship or a… a buddy… is the best idea for her right now… she needs a friend, not more of… this…' he said gesturing to the bed himself.

Before Catherine could even respond, Nick had turned and walked away, head hung low.

Xxxxx

When Sara woke up, Catherine was dressed and sat at her computer. Pulling herself out of bed, Sara jumped into the shower, emerging clean and wrapped in a towel 10 minutes later, she slowly walked over to Catherine, and waited for the woman to acknowledge her, when the older woman still hadn't looked up, Sara cleared her throat.

'Yes?' Catherine asked not looking up from her computer, Nicks parting words to her battling in her head with her desire to look after Sara, and to explore more of the chemistry between them, even if it was only sexual.

'I need some clean clothes… please…; Sara said quietly a tinge of sadness in her voice, as she walked away and slumped down on to the sofa in the room.

'Oh… of course…' Catherine got up and started to look through her wardrobe for something that would fit Sara.

'Thanks' Sara mumbled taking the clothes from her, and walking into the bathroom.

When she emerged again, dressed in unfamiliar clothes, she perched on the edge of the sofa again, but now reluctant to get to comfortable, both physically and mentally.

'Catherine?' Sara asked after a while

'Yeah?' Catherine replied, pausing in her typing at the computer

'Can you take me to the hospital… please…'

Catherine couldn't help but smile a little 'Yes… of course… whenever you're ready…'

Xxxx

As they approached the hospital, Sara grew a little more nervous, and began to shake slightly, noticing this, Catherine pulled over

'Sara… Sara… what's wrong…'

'I…I….' tears began to fall down Sara's face 'I…. I….'

Reaching over, Catherine lightly placed her hand on Sara's shoulder, which had quickly become one of her favourite places on the brunette's body.

'It's ok Sara, just breathe, just breathe…'

Sara nodded slowly, eyes clamped shut 'I… I have the worst hangover… I'm nervous as hell… and… and I really really need a drink right now… I…I… how long …how long has it been since I last drank Cat?' she whispered, embarrassed.

'I…' Catherine frowned, confused, angry, concerned 'I don't know… I guess about 10 hours…'

'Oh…' Sara wiped frantically at the tears on her face 'Feels longer… the… the only time I don't drink is when I'm working… but… lately… lately I've been drinking as soon as I've finished work… and only stopped 4 hours before, so I can drive… I…'

Sara began to break down, angry at herself, angry that Catherine had to see her this way.

'I…' Catherine gently rubbed her shoulder, not daring herself to speak, not wanting to interrupt.

'I…after 9 hours, I get shaky… after 11, I get a headache….12, dizzy…. 15 I start to feel irritable… I don't know what it feels like anymore to go more than 30 hours without a drink…normally only a double shift or big case keeps me from the bottle… Nick was right. I'm an alcoholic… I've known for a while… I just… I never had a reason to acknowledge it… I… I was always so careful to not let it interfere with work, with my ability to drive, to process… to work a case… but now… now I feel embarrassed, and ashamed, vulnerable… scared… I've spent all this time, drinking… and… my baby… oh god Cat!' with this Sara started to scream hysterically 'My baby! What have I done! My baby…. My baby… My baby!'


	19. Eloise

Catherine tried to reach over to comfort Sara, but when she pulled back away from her touch, her screams getting louder and louder, Catherine began to feel sick with worry. Looking around she noticed she was only 2 minutes away from the Hospital, and so started to drive again, all the while trying to talk to Sara, asking her to calm down, but with no effect.

Pulling up as close to the doors as possible, she hesitated for a moment, before running inside and shouting for help.

'Someone help… please help… ' quickly a nurse and an orderly hurried towards her

'Ma'am?' The nurse asked grabbing on to Catherine's arm 'Ma'am, are you hurt?'

Catherine shook her head, and gestured towards the door 'My friend… ' she pulled away towards the door, hoping the two would follow her. Sara's frantic screams could be heard as soon as they stepped outside.

'What happened' the orderly asked

'I… I… she's hysterical, having a panic attack, she's pregnant….she's an alcoholic… I don't know how to help her…'

The nurse and orderly exchanged a quick look, which luckily Catherine missed. From that one sentence, both hospital staff had judged Sara, and although remaining professional, there sympathy instantly dropped.

'Ok, I'll grab a doctor and someone from obgyn' the orderly said calmly, turning to walk back into the hospital, as the nurse and Catherine approached the car.

'What's her name?' the nurse asked

'Sara…' Catherine said, shaking slightly at the scene in front of her.

'Sara…' the nurse called out gently 'Sara… you need to calm down, your scaring your friend here…' voice low, he walked closer to the car, and opened the door. 'Can you tell me where it hurts?'

Sara tensed for a moment as the door opened, the temperature difference causing her to shiver slightly. Hearing a voice which wasn't Catherine's calling to her over her screams, she blinked a few times, turning her head to see a tall and slim male nurse dressed in pale blue scrubs.

'Sara…' the nurse called again 'My name is Dylan…I'm here to help…'

Sara's eyes darted around looking for Catherine, who was stood a little way away from the car, arms wrapped around one another. Focusing on Catherine, Sara stopped screaming, but her breathing was still ragged. Dylan asked again 'Sara, where does it hurt… can you show me?'

He knew that it was highly unlikely there was any physical pain, but found that asking anyway was a good trick to get people to calm down from such episodes, it was a technique that he had been using for years, one he had picked up with his Mother who worked as a counsellor.

Sara turned her head to look at Dylan again, and placed her hand over her heart, and then lower down over her stomach, breath hitching, she whispered out one last time 'My baby…' before closing her eyes and passing out from exhaustion.

Xxx

When Sara next came round, she was lying in a hospital bed, and Catherine was pacing the room.

'What happened?' She whispered

Catherine whipped round, a smile instantly lighting up her face 'Sara…' she walked over to the bed, and pulled the woman into a tight embrace, her fingers playing in the soft brown locks of Sara's hair.

Sara awkwardly hugged Catherine back before pulling away slightly, confused and embarrassed once more to having Catherine see her in such a vulnerable position.

'What happened?' she asked again.

'You had a panic attack in the car on the way here… you passed out… you've been out for about 5 hours now… '

'Oh…' Sara mumbled, looking down at the sheets, her fingers toying nervously with the cloth

'I'm sorry Sara… Grissom knows you're here…'

'Oh…' she mumbled again, sliding further into the sheets.

'Sara…' Catherine said, perching herself on the edge of the bed, placing her hand gently on Sara's arm.

'Yeah?' Sara mumbled unable to look at Catherine, wishing for the ground to shallow her up.

'I'm sorry… It's just, well, you know it's been close to 3 days now, since the bar fight… Grissom was starting to wonder about your absence, and mine… and well, Nick and I, couldn't keep it quiet much longer… there were too many people, who knew too many things, and they were starting to put two and two together, and well, Grissom needed to know why Hornby was arrested…'

Hearing this, Sara's head snapped up 'What?'

'Oh… I… I forgot you didn't know… the charges against you were dropped, he made it all up, to get back at Rose… they happened to be married… it's … it's complicated… anyway, he was arrested for making false charges against a member of LVPD.. '

Sara smiled weakly 'I didn't do it…'

'No sweetie… No, you didn't do anything wrong…' Catherine said, her fingers running up and down Sara's arm.

Sara scoffed 'I've done plenty wrong…' with this Sara turned herself away from Catherine 'I'm tired… please leave…'

'No' Catherine said quietly but forcefully 'No Sara, you can't run away from this. You need to let the doctors examine you, and then you need to get treatment… Isn't this why you asked me to bring you here?'

Sara rolled over again, but once again couldn't bring herself to look at the woman sitting next to her on the bed. She did however tentivatly place her hand on Catherine's hip, fiddling with her shirt.

'I'm scared…' she whispered.

'I know… I know you are sweetie, one step at a time… one step at a time… '

Sara nodded slightly

'If you let me fetch the Doctor, they can check your vitals now that your awake, and then they can do an ultrasound, check on the baby… from there, they can discuss your options…'

Sara didn't speak for a while, but eventually she nodded her consent.

Xxx

'Hello Miss Sidle, Nice to see you awake, my name is Dr Whitaker, you can call me Eloise…' she extended her hand, and Sara took it 'Sara..' she managed, smiling weakly

'How are you feeling now?'

'Tired… shaky… embarrassed…'

'How about physically?' Eloise asked

'Oh… I don't know… I … I just, my whole body aches to be honest… but…' Sara hung her head down, mumbling into her chest 'I need a drink….'

'No… you want a drink…' Eloise said firmly, with this Sara shook her head 'No… you don't understand… it's like… It's like, my body needs it to stay alive… I … I can't remember the last time I went 30 hours without it… and it was torture, absolute torture to me, my mind… my body… '

Eloise nodded in understanding 'Your both wrong and right… the more you drink, the more your body gets used to it, so the more you need to drink to feel it's affect… so, the counter is also true, when you go a long time without it… but, as much as it is a physical thing, it's also a mental one… I can help with that.' She said all of this whilst putting a blood pressure cuff on Sara's arm, and taking her vitals.

'Do you want help with this, with getting sober?'

Sara could only nod, unable to find the right words, whilst Catherine stood in the corner of the room, just observing the scene playing in front of her. Dr Whitakers attitude was very professional, but also showed understanding.

'Good… Now, your 10 weeks pregnant?'

Sara just nodded again.

'When did you find out?' Sara glanced up at Catherine 'Ummm…' she furrowed her brow, the events of the past few days mumbling in her mind, a clear timeline unavailable to her.

'A little under 2 days ago' Came Catherine's voice from the corner of the room, Eloise glanced up at her, before turning her attention back to Sara.

'It wasn't planned?' Sara shook her head no.

'Ok… how did you find out, how did you not know?' she asked gently, with this Catherine stepped a little closer to the bed, this was something that was also bothering her, just how did Sara not know something like this.

'I… It's a long story… let's just say, I found out because a friend had to do a Tox screen on me, and it showed up in the results…among a load of other stuff…'

'What 'Stuff?'' The Doctor asked, glancing between the two women

'Alcohol mostly, ghb, weed, synthetic insulin and poppers… I think that was all… Sara was drugged… it's been a very long couple of days…' Catherine said stepping a little closer to the bed.

'Ok…I'll have to get a copy of that report…' Catherine just nodded, before turning and pacing the room again.

The doctor turned her attention back to Sara again 'How come you didn't know?' she asked again.

Sara leaned back against the bed, eyes shut once again 'I had a miscarriage last year, my cycles haven't been the same since… '

'And when did you start drinking heavily, was this before or after the miscarriage?' Eloise asked.

Catherine stopped her pacing, and looked over to Sara once more, the guilt building up inside her once more for her actions the year before.

'After…The miscarriage was a result of a work place accident… I coped well with it… then my due date came along, and well, with one thing and another, I fall apart… Started drinking heavily, sleeping around… trying to forget I guess… I was torturing myself, if I wasn't working, I was drinking, clubbing… sleeping with strangers…sometimes I couldn't even remember it…I … I was raped a few times… never reported it… things got worse…I started to self-harm… at then, well, I ended up here…'

By now tears were streaming down Sara's face, and Catherine was also crying, a lump formed in Eloise's throat, and she had to take a minute to compose herself before she could continue

'I'm sorry you've been through all of that…'

Sara just shrugged wiping her tears away angrily.

'Have you self-harmed in the past, before your miscarriage?'

Sara shook her head no, and with this Catherine could only scoff 'Don't lie Sara!' she shouted. Once again the Doctor looked between the two of them, trying to read the room.

'I'm not lying!' Sara spat out

'REALLY? Then what the hell do you call all of those scars across your stomach!'

'Failed suicide attempts!' Sara screamed back, trying to pull herself out of the bed.

Eloise pushed Sara back down into the bed 'Sara…' she said voice quiet and calm, whilst Catherine stormed out of the room. Sara was sobbing once more, her body shaking.

'Sara… why did you try to kill yourself before?' she asked

'Karma…' Sara whispered

'Karma? I don't understand…' She said, her hands keeping Sara from moving off the bed.

'My daughter… she died because I fall asleep… I didn't want to live without her… she I tried to kill myself… '

'Ok Sara… Ok… it's ok… can you tell me how many times you tired?'

Sara lay quietly for a few minutes, the tears still falling 'Once a year, for 12 years… My birthday… The day I killed my little girl…'

Eloise could only nod, her hand rubbing soothingly against Sara's chest, trying to even out her breathing and to avoid another panic attack.

'Why did you stop trying?' She asked after a small silence

'I got wrapped in a case… I work as a criminalist… I missed my window… I felt relieved…I never tried again… It was… It was only after my due date that it all came too much….but…well, I guess I no longer wanted to die… instead I wanted to punish myself, for failing at being a mother, for failing to stay pregnant…'

Eloise tilted her head in confusion 'I thought it was an accident?'

'It was… I got caught in an explosion…'

'Oh… I'm sorry…'

'It's ok…like you said, like Catherine said, it was an accident…'

'Catherine?' she asked, suddenly aware she hadn't asked the name of the blonde who had been in the room previously

'Yeah… the woman who was in here with me… anyway… it was an accident… I … I hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy… in all honesty, I was still coming to terms with it… after Rose… my first baby… anyway… well… I couldn't bring myself to decide what to do, and I started to half wish for something to happen, someone to make the choice for me… someone did… Catherine did….'

Sara wiped another tear from her eye, and looked towards the wall.

'Catherine did? What do you mean?' Eloise asked.

'Catherine cause the explosion ...' with this, Sara turned herself away from the Doctor, so she was lying on her side.

Neither woman said anything, then Sara whispered 'I've carried that guilt for a year now… as soon as a lost the baby, I knew wishing for it to die had been wrong…but, my wish came true, and I've felt awful ever since, not that I've spent much of my life feeling wonderful, mind you… only one person knew, the father, and we were no longer together at that point… I had no one to turn too…I tried, I really tried, to not let it get to me, and, well I failed at that, like I've been failing at everything else…and now… now here I am again, single and alone, pregnant with a baby I don't even know if I want, or can support, with no idea how much damage my drinking has caused it… if I'm even fit enough to be a mother… a third chance at getting it right, and I've already screwed up…' Sara choked out between the tears, unnoticing that in this time Catherine had slipped back into the room.


	20. She's my Friend!

Sara lay quietly in her hospital bed staring out into the middle distance, her hands clamped around a picture she couldn't bring herself to look at. The ultrasound had gone well, and it looked as if the baby was doing well, but further tests would be needed, and a scan done once a fortnight, to make sure things didn't take a turn for the worst. Medically there was no reason to keep Sara in the hospital, but mentally the Dr felt as if there was, at least for a couple of days, whilst the alcohol flushed itself from her system, and she could be constantly monitored throughout the withdrawal, and through the emotional upheaval she had found herself in.

After her sobbing confession to the doctor, Sara hadn't spoken again, so Eloise had conducted the ultrasound in silence, only speaking when she had too, hoping for an answer. It was Catherine who had provided the few answers that she could, but no other words were spoken.

When the scan had finished, a picture was printed out, and handed to Sara. Throughout the examination she had kept her eyes away from the screen, not able to bring herself to look. That had been 4 hours ago, and although she clung to the picture, she still hadn't been able to look at that.

Catherine had tried a few times to start a conversation, but nothing had worked, and so after a while she had given up and announced she was going to get some coffee. That was nearly two hours ago, and she had yet to return.

Although Catherine had intended to return to the room, she found she couldn't. Instead she phoned Nick, needing someone to talk to. At first it had been awkward, a slight regret on both their parts for the tryst shared in the bedroom, but it soon passed, Nick needing to speak to Catherine as much as she did. They knew that some of the events could never be talked about with anyone else, and so they needed each other.

After, she had phoned Grissom, and had found herself explaining why things hadn't been bought to his attention sooner, how one event had spiralled into another, and how she hadn't been prepared for the fallout that would come from it. Now she found herself sat outside Sara's room, wanting to go in, to comfort her, to help her, to apologise once again, but she found she couldn't rise from the chair. She was scared to go forward, and so remained in place.

Hearing footsteps heading down the corridor, she ignored them, figuring it was another nurse or doctor on their way to see a patient, so when they stopped next to her, it took her a moment or two to realise before she looked up. It was the nurse that she had first spoken to all those long hours ago.

'Ma'am, are you ok?' he asked with a smile 'How's your friend?'

'Oh… I'm… I'm ok…' she paused, not having caught his name earlier

'Dylan' he said, extending his hand

'Catherine' she replied

'Have you been home yet?' he asked taking a seat next to her.

'No… No… I …I haven't been home in… god…nearly 2 days…it's not really been an option…'

'Why don't you go home now, your friend is in good hands, you need rest as much as Sara does'

'She's not my friend…' she mumbled out without thinking

'Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were domestic partners…' he said genuinely.

'Oh.. what… no… we're colleagues… it's, it's complicated… I don't know what we are… like I said; it's been a crazy few days…' Catherine started rambling.

'Well, either way, you need rest, and there isn't much you can do here…'

'I can't just leave her…' Catherine choked out

'If that were true, you'd be in there, not out here…' Dylan said, placing a hand on her leg for a moment before moving to stand up.

'What's going to happen to her?' She asked quickly, quietly, panicked.

'Well… the doctors going to prescribe a low dose of disulfiram, it's a tablet that will make you sick if you consume alcohol whilst taking it, and Prozac for the depression, as well as therapy. It's going to be harsh, but it's going to be in her and her babies best interests if she goes cold turkey… she's in the middle of that now, alcohol flushing out of her system… ' he paused 'Look, it's not going to be pretty, as well as some physical side effects, such as dizziness, headaches, cold sweats, etc, there will be irritability, mood swings, anger…' here Dylan paused again 'Sometimes a patient needs support at this time, a friend, family, counselling… others need to be left alone, with as little interference as possible except for that of the doctor or nurse... there is no quick cure for this, and even with the medication, if she still wants to drink, she will. Alcoholics don't care about the consequences, she won't care that she will instantly vomit, it will be worth it, even if it's only half a shot… here we can make sure she takes the medicines she needs, once she's discharged, if she doesn't want to take it, no one will be able to force her. It's going to be a long process, and there maybe many setbacks. Her state of mind is already comprised, before you even take the pregnancy into account… my advice to you, at the moment, is to let your friend be. She's stubborn and unwilling to listen, and probably very frustrated, distraught, and embarrassed about the whole situation. She's thinking about her next drink, not about making amends. She doesn't need pity, or mothering, I think it will make it worse… it always does with alcoholics… and she's one of the worst I've seen in my years as a nurse…'

All through Dylan's speech, Catherine had sat quietly, taking in his words, but his last sentence made her snap 'She's my friend! She's my friend not someone you can analyse and judge based off of a few moments in a car park… she's my friend, and I'm going to help her, every step of the way…' with that she stood up and marched into the room.

Xxx

A/n – I know this chapter isn't very long, and not too much has happened, but I don't want to drag out the hospital for too long, especially as the hotel went on for so many chapters… I need to sleep on this a little, and will write some more tomorrow all being well.

Thanks for reading. Review if you can

Emz


	21. Jazz

As soon as Catherine stepped into the room, she regretted having waited so long. Sara hadn't moved an inch since she had left, but she was shaking slightly, her skin covered in a light sweat, the alcohol flushing from her body taking its toll. The picture lay crumbled in Sara's hands, and she was staring off in to space.

'Oh Sara…' Catherine said quietly, her determination to help having grown even more seeing Sara like she was. She approached the bed, and sat on the edge. Silently she took the photo from Sara's hands and placed it on the table. Sara blinked slowly, and then turned to face Catherine, a small smile flashing on her face before falling again.

'I'm sorry I didn't come back straight away…' Catherine said quietly, moving to tuck a strand of hair behind Sara's ear. Sara just looked at her in confusion. 'I said I'd be 10 minutes, It's been over two hours Sara…' Catherine said, her fingers brushing lightly against Sara's neck.

'Oh…I didn't notice…' Sara mumbled, dropping her gaze into her now empty hands.

'How's Lindsey?' She asked, wondering if perhaps this was why Catherine had taken so long to get back to her.

'Oh… I…' Catherine was a bit stunned, how had Sara not noticed how long she had been, and why was this the first question that she asked. 'I…. Fine..She's with my Mum..or Sister…' she moved her hand away from Sara, almost in shame 'I don't know…' she confessed 'I haven't seen her since this whole thing started…'

'Oh…' Sara moved to turn away from Catherine 'I'm sorry for keeping you from your Daughter…' she closed her eyes. She didn't want to lose her emotions and composer in front of Catherine again, especially not whilst her mind and body were fighting against the alcohol withdrawals.

Catherine sighed, and placed her hand lightly on Sara's shoulder 'It's not your fault Sara…'

Sara just scoffed at this, and tried to shrug off Catherine's touch

'Sara, listen to me… You've had a shit few days, not to mention the rest of it, but it was MY choice to stay with you, MY choice to deal with it like I did, it was MY choice to do the things I did, YOU didn't make me do any of it. I know it's been a bit… a lot… complicated, that your hurting, that perhaps there are some things WE, I, Could have done differently, but I also know, that NONE of this is your fault. I chose to stay and be with you… Yes, Lindsey is my Daughter, yes, she needs her Mother, but she also has her Aunt, and Grandma, Family… a couple of days in the middle of the week, half of which she spent at school, away from her, isn't the end of the world… but you Sara, you had no one… no one to help, you needed someone, and I wanted to be that someone Sara… I want to be there for you…. Please Sara… Please let me help….' Whilst talking Catherine had leant over Sara, and now she was half sitting, half lying on the bed next to Sara.

'Please…' She added in a whisper when Sara had yet to respond after a few minutes.

'I don't know how to let you in…' Sara whispered.

Catherine smiled slightly, shifting again, she lay herself down behind Sara so she was spooning the younger woman in the small hospital bed. She draped an arm around her waist, her hand gently resting on Sara's stomach 'One step at a time… one step at a time…'

Sara moved her hand so it was resting on top of Catherine's, her skin was clammy, but Catherine said nothing.

'This is the longest I've been without a drink for…god…months…' Sara said quietly

'I know…'

'What if I can't do this Cat?'

'Do you want to do this? Get better?' Catherine asked, entwining their fingers together.

Sara didn't reply, she didn't know how too. She didn't know what she wanted right now, how to fix the mess she had found herself in.

'It's ok Sara… we'll just take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time…'

Sara tightened her hold on Catherine's hand

'Cat?'

'Yeah…'

'How long has it been, exactly, since you came to the hotel room…'

Catherine thought for a moment 'Oh… I don't know… I guess… coming up to about 53 hours…maybe… I don't know…why?'

Sara took a deep breath, it seemed so little time for her world to have been completely turned upside down. 'I was wondering…if… could you do something for me?'

'Anything' Catherine whispered, leaning over and placing a kiss on the side of Sara's head.

'Could you stay… just until I fall asleep? And then, please… please could you leave… I… I… just please leave, for at least 53 hours… I want you to spend as much time with Lindsey as possible. You've wasted so much time with me, and I just… I just … I know I need help, and I want to let you in… I do… but… I also know these next couple of days are going to be horrible for me…'

Catherine made to interrupt, but Sara squeezed her hand, silently asking her not too

'PLEASE…I…I need to get through these next few days alone, I don't want anyone to see me. I need to try and get through this by myself, at least the first step… and I want…no… I NEED you to spent time with Lindsey… I appreciate everything you've done, that Nick, that the team did, but I've been selfish Cat, really selfish, I see that now. I need to fix this, and part of fixing this is staying away from anyone I can hurt… away from you… please… you need to spend time with your Daughter… don't let me fuck up what you have with her, I've already fucked up being a mother, I can't let you fuck up too…. Please Cat.. Please, just… just stay until I fall asleep… then you can go, and you needn't come back, not ever, not if you don't want to… if you can't stand seeing the woman who … who…'

Sara couldn't bring herself to finish what she was going to say, her crying had got more intense, her whole body trembling from the emotions and the abuse her body was going through in trying to flush out her system. Her mind was raging a war right now, the pull of alcohol so powerful, that it was only the I.V and Catherine's embrace keeping her from leaving the bed in search of the nearest drink. Hysteria began to take over, everything becoming too much to deal with.

'Rose…my Rose… my baby!' Sara started screaming, trying to rip herself out of Catherine's embrace.

Catherine hit the call alarm, and screamed out for a Doctor. It seemed to take forever for someone to respond, but in reality it had only been a few minutes. Sara was still screaming and thrashing in Catherine's arms, but her words were now almost incoherent, and the I.V had ripped out her arm in the struggle.

'What happened?' The Doctor asked, has calm demounr strange in the tense room

'She's having another panic attack… the withdrawals making it worse… I can't calm her down…' Catherine said, tears streaming down her face.

'Ok… Ok…' The doctor pulled a needle out of his pocket, whilst a nurse tried to get a read on Sara's vitals, but was unsuccessful.

'What triggered the attack?' The doctor asked whilst prepping the needle

'It's complicated… but the jist of it is, motherhood, and the death of her first child…' Catherine said wearily.

The doctor just nodded, Sara still thrashing in Catherine's arms.

'Ok… I'm going to sedate her… I'm going to have to stick this in her arm… I need your help to hold her…'

Catherine just nodded, the tears making it difficult to speak. The nurse and Doctor approached the bed, and they managed to inject Sara with the sedative. It took about a minute to kick in, and Sara slowly stopped thrashing and screaming. As her movements stilled, the nurse fixed the I.V. line, and Catherine slipped from the bed wordlessly, and left the room without looking back.

Xxxx

It had been hard for Catherine, but she had done what Sara had requested, and had spent some time with Lindsey, she had pulled her out of School on Friday, and had asked Grissom for some time off. At first he had been reluctant, with Sara in the hospital, but he had granted her 3 nights off, knowing that before this Catherine hadn't really had any time off in the past 3 months. It was now Tuesday morning, and Lindsey had gone to school. Catherine had stayed away from Sara like she had asked, demanded, begged. It had been nearly 90 hours since she had left Sara after she had been sedated, and just like it had been in the waiting room, the longer she left it, the harder it was to go back. She had rang the hospital several times a day, asking for an update, but had got very little. Sara hadn't accepted any visitors, and she wasn't talking to anyone. She had even refused to speak to Ecklie, who had found out about the whole series of events.

Sara had spent the past few days lost in her thoughts, barely sleeping, barely eating. The hospital counsellor had come to speak to her a few times, but hadn't got anywhere. All Sara could do was sit, and think, and stew. There was nothing to distract her, no case to work on, no beer to numb her pain, no one she wanted to speak to.

Late on Saturday morning, after a vomiting up her meagre breakfast, Dylan had stepped into the room 'You have a visitor Sara…' he said, standing at the foot of her bed.

'No… I.. I don't want to see anyone…' Sara said, lying back against the pillows

'I know… but he won't take no for an answer… says he's your boss…'

Sara looked up slightly at this 'Grissom?' she questioned

'No… Ecklie…' Dylan said a little unsure

'Oh…' Sara slumped back again

'Can I let him in?' Dylan asked, Sara just shrugged her response.

A few moments later, Ecklie stepped into the room, a look of disgust on his face.

'Do you want me to stay?' Dylan asked, sensing the tense atmosphere, Sara tried to say yes, but Ecklie spoke first

'No, that won't be nesscassry.'

Dylan quietly stepped from the room, but stayed just outside the door.

Sara just looked at Ecklie, but didn't speak. She pulled the cover a bit higher up her chest, even though she was very warm.

'Sidle…' Ecklie pinched the bridge of his nose 'Look… I've heard what happened… all of it… the team tried to cover it up, and just made it worse for you… as I suspected, your behaviour outside of work has caught up with you, and you have made yourself, the lab, and there for myself look like idiots…'

Sara just continued to stare at him

'You are a damn good criminalist Sara, you are one of the reasons we are no.2 in the country, but this…' he paused 'This has got to stop, otherwise you are out of here…' he paused again.

'Here's the deal… as of now, you are suspended for 2 weeks, and on probation for 4 months… mess up again, and you can kiss your career goodbye. That being said, you are suspended with full pay, the lab will pay for 1/3rd of your hospital bills, and 1/4th of your counselling… you will received full maternity benefits from your 8th month, and can take up to 7th months off…we will also arrange for a compensation pay out for injuries suffered from the incidence last year… on the condition that you stop drinking, stop carrying a gun for the foreseeable future, and attend at least 10 sessions of counselling… I'm being very generous here Sidle. The lab needs a criminalist like you, but it does not need the negative press and fallout from your stupid and reckless behaviour. I also need a written statement for your actions since leaving that Bar… if I find even the slightest hint of you messing up again, you will be out on your ass Sidle, and you won't have a chance in hell of changing my mind. Do I make myself clear?'

All this time, Sara was just staring at him in disbelief. She had not once thought about how her actions would or could affect her job or the people around her, or what her future now held. She certainly never expected this amount of bizarre support from Ecklie of all people.

'Do I make myself clear?' he repeated.

Sara just nodded, not trusting herself to speak. Ecklie nodded in reply, and left the room.

Sara closed her eyes, trying to concentrate on her breathing. The last thing she wanted right now was another panic attack, she hated waking up from being sedated, it was worse than waking up from a hangover, although it was a different kind of worse.

Since he had left, Sara had been firm in accepting no visitors. The worst of the withdrawals were over, but her mind still craved a drink. Her appetite was low, the morning sickness playing havoc on her body. The only food she seemed to manage was Watermelon, her first pregnancy craving.

Dylan had placed a c.d player in her room, and the sounds of jazz were almost always playing now. It gave Sara something to focus on, a slight distraction. On Sunday evening, she had got out of bed, something she had only done to use the bathroom before, and she stood by the window, looking out over the city. Slowly, carefully, holding the I.V pole she was still attached to, she started to dance to the music that was playing, her spirits lifting gradually. After about 15 minutes, so was tired, it was the most she had done in days. Instead of moving back to the bed, she moved and sat in the chair, and took the photo from the table.

Resting her hand on her stomach, she looked at her ultrasound picture for the very first time, a tear falling down her cheek, a smile forming on her face.

'My beautiful baby' she whispered.

Xxxx

A/N – I really wanna carry on writing, but I also need to get ready for work… hopefully write again later. Emz.


	22. Enthasium

Sara sat gently rubbing her belly, and eventually drifted off into a light sleep. Some time later Eloise woke her up.

'Hey sleepy head...I just need to check a few things...'

Sara smiled, a little embarrassed at having fallen asleep where she was, but mumbled an ok.

'how are you feeling now?'

'ok I guess, I'm not shaking as much, slept a little... I had the energy and motivation to dance earlier... my mind is still scattered...but...my body doesn't feel to bad...'

Eloise nodded, checking Sara's vitals. 'are you eating?'

Sara looked down, unsure how to answer.

'Sara?' she asked again. 'no...not really...I try, but I can't keep much down, and I don't know if it's the baby or the lack of booze...'

Eloise just smiled knowingly 'what have you managed?'

'watermelon!' Sara exclaimed excitedly 'It's what I crave, I can't get enough, even if sometimes I get sick afterwards. '

With this, Eloise frowned, but bit her tongue on the matter, for now at least.

'any other cravings?' she asked, jotting something down in her file. Sara knew exactly what she meant by this, and started to fidget with her top. 'no...Yes ..sometimes... It's...It's like to finding your legs been chopped off, but you've forgotten, and try to walk anyway...'

'I'm not sure I follow...'

'sometimes, often, I would drink without really thinking about. I drank like people drink tea or coffee...I would watch t.v or listen to the scanner, or read, whatever, and I would think nothing of drinking a beer at the same time...' she confessed in a quiet voice, hands fiddling with her top still.

'what about the rest of the drinking?' Eloise asked.

Sara just shook her head, shutting down, she didn't want to speak about it anymore 'I'm tired...' she whispered with an edge to her voice trying to change the subject.

'you have to talk to someone, at some point...'

Sara just ignored her, knowing she would only get worked up if she carried on the conversation.

Eloise sighed, and walked out the room, she had had enough of sulking difficult patients in her time, and knew when it was best to walk away. Sara could stew on her on for a while.

Xxx

Catherine paced up and down her kitchen, deciding between phoning the hospital again, or just showing up. The last time she had checked, Sara had shown a bit more motivation, but it was still rather up and down like a yo-yo. The ward nurse had told her that Sara hadn't been to difficult or rude, but she had been withdrawn and quiet, but that was something Catherine understood all to well from her time of going through detox. Back then she'd had her sisters help, right now Sara had no one, so mind made up, Catherine grabbed her keys and headed to the car.

Xxx

Tuesday lunchtime approached, and Eloise came once more to check on Sara, who was currently stood looking out the window 'How are you feeling now?'

'better, much better, I'm sorry about earlier... It's just hard to talk about..I've kept to myself for so long... I'm going to see the counsellor this afternoon...' she said, but still hadn't turned around.

'That's great, really great. Dylan says your eating a little better, and getting enough fluids, we can take the I.v out, and you can go for a walk... escape these 4 walls for a bit...'

Sara smiled, and turned around to face the dr 'when can I leave the building?'

Eloise grinned, she had been expecting this, and was surprised the question hadn't come sooner 'from a medical point of view... tomorrow evening .. from an emotional and mental point of view, I'm afraid that's up to the counsellor, and where exactly you'll be going too... for now, come sit down so I can take then I.v line out and give you a once over...'

Sara just nodded, and walked quietly to the bed.

'there, all done' Eloise announced with a smile removing her gloves.

'Thanks...Thanks for looking after me...'

'anytime...' a knock came at the door, and Dylan walked in 'I bring a special delivery...' he said with a grin on his face, hands behind his back 'what is it? Sara asked, curiosity spiked. Dylan pulled a jar of peanut butter out, and Sara grinned 'you are my hero...'

Eloise looked a little puzzled, before cottoning on 'cravings...' Sara nodded happily taking the lid off the jar. Just then another knock came at the door, and someone stepped in

'I hear it's nice with Apple...'

'CATHERINE!' Sara screamed in delight, placing the jar down so she could jump up and pull the woman into a hug. It was clearly a good day as far as Sara's hormones and mood were concerned.

Eloise and Dylan slipped quietly out of the room both with smiles of their own, It was the most upbeat they had seen Sara yet.

Sara dragged Catherine over to the window 'look at the view...see there...' she pointed 'see the stratosphere...It's so pretty the way it lights up at night...and over there... that bridge is pretty when the light hits it just right...' Sara's enthusiasm was catching, and Catherine couldn't help but giggle a little, her nerves from coming to see Sara almost vanishing. Catherine found her arms wrapping around Sara, and she kissed the top of her head before pulling away and moving to the chair to sit down.

'good day?' Catherine asked still grinning

Sara just nodded, and then crawled back on to the bed and lay down on her side, her hand reaching out for Catherine's

'yeah... yeah, it's been ok... like you said...minute at a time..I've been sober for... nearly 6 days now... and baby is well, I saw the picture, it looks like a blob, but it's a healthy blob..and I'm seeing a counsellor this afternoon, and..and I've seen ecklie, and I love watermelons, and I can go home soon, oh, and I'm taking antidepressants, and some other drug to stop me drinking...It's been nearly 6 days now...and...what else... Thank you, I love you, I'm sorry for all I put you through, and...It's been 6 days...and I saw ecklie... ummm...' Sara spoke with such enthusiasm and speed Catherine almost couldn't keep up, so she just smiled, running her hand across Sara's arm.

Something in Sara's speech made her pause for a moment, but with Sara speaking so quickly she couldn't dwell on the words 'I love you ' for too long.

'Sara sweetie...slow down, one thing at a time...why did ecklie come?'

Sara frowned a little 'you haven't heard?'

'no... I've been off work the past few days, spending time with Lindsey, like you requested...' Catherine said with a smile, tucking some hair behind Sara's ear, the want for some kind of physical contact great.

Sara smiled for a moment, and then dropped her gaze away, and started to tell her about ecklies ultimatum.

'how do I put a price on that?' she asked, meaning the offer of compensation.

'I don't know Sara...' Catherine said pulling her hand away and walking over to the window.

'cat...' Sara whispered 'cat...Please...I didn't mean to upset you...I didn't think...I never do...That's how I got into this mess...'

Catherine wiped a tear from her eye, watching Sara in the reflection.

'if it wasn't for me, you'd already have your baby...'

'maybe..maybe not.. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to carry to term, to keep it, but I know I would have been alone...now I know I won't be alone, I've got the team, hell I've even got ecklie in some weird way, but more importantly Cat, that's all in the past, and better yet, I have you, and I love you.''

Xxx

A/n – hope this reads well, I typed it on my phone, so formatting might be a little off.

Hope you're enjoying. Thanks for the reviews so far, more are always appreciated.

Emz


	23. Halfway

Catherine closed her eyes at those words, she felt happy, and angry, and confused, regretful. Sara seemed to be doing so well, and Catherine felt horrible. She had taken advantage of a situation, and had now left Sara feeling even more confused than ever.

Sara didn't seem to notice the stiffness that had come over Catherine, she just carried on talking.

'I know I might be hard to be with right now, but I love you Catherine…' Sara waited, sitting up slightly in the bed, only now pausing.

'No… No you don't Sara…' Catherine said, her back still to the woman

'Yes I do…I'd be dead if it wasn't for you….' Sara cried out, making Catherine spin around in anger

'Don't, Don't you dare! You don't love me Sara, you don't know me, you just love the idea of me, you're latching on to something, you're using me as your next vice, your next obsession and addiction, now that you can't rely on Alcohol, you're pinning everything on me, and that's not fair or healthy Sara, you don't love me, ok, you're sick Sara, don't you get that? I'm just a replacement!' Catherine tried to keep calm, but she couldn't. When she had first entered the room, she was overwhelmed with how well Sara looked, and how much better her attitude had seemed, the worries of coming back after those days apart had disappeared, and now she knew why. She felt awful for it, she had wanted to help Sara, perhaps one day something could have developed between them, but she had never wanted, or realised, that Sara may have latched on to her like that. That a new obsession could start so quickly.

Sara just sat there, tears streaming down her face, she watched Catherine for a moment, confused and hurt 'Get out!' she spat out, voice low and dripping with anger, a quick turnaround from her attitude moments ago 'Get out!' she repeated when Catherine had yet to move.

Catherine took a moment to take in the woman before her, it would be so easy to leave, to let Sara deal with this by herself. But she couldn't, wouldn't, leave her, not now, not like this.

'No Sara… '

Sara grabbed the jug of water off the table and threw it towards Catherine, who barely dodged it 'I SAID GET OUT!' Sara screamed, tears falling even faster from her eyes, her breathing becoming erratic, another panic attack on the verge of breaking out.

Catherine boldly stepped towards Sara, who kept screaming, and pulled her into her arms. Sara struggled against her, but Catherine's grip was tight 'It's ok Sara… it's ok….I've got you…..'

Having heard the commotion outside, a nurse came rushing in 'What happened… is she ok?' the nurse, one Catherine hadn't seen before, looked at the room, the jug of water on the floor, and Sara's heavy breathing

'She's upset… angry… nothing I can't handle…'

'Do you want me to sedate her?' the nurse asked, a little unsure what to do, what was normal with this patient.

'No… No, that's the last thing she needs right now, it's happened far too much…'

'Ok…' the nurse said still a little unsure, she moved to clean up the mess from the water.

Catherine continued to hold Sara closely, rocking her gently, it took nearly 10 minutes for Sara to calm down.

'Feeling better?' Catherine whispered, kissing the top of Sara's head lightly. Sara just shrugged in her arms, not trusting herself to speak.

'Tired?' Catherine asked, Sara nodded, and whispered out a 'yes'

'Want me to stay?' Catherine asked, her hand running through Sara's hair, again Sara just nodded.

'Want to use the bathroom first, freshen up?' her fingers still running through Sara's hair.

'I stink don't I?' Sara whispered, aware of the fact she couldn't really remember when she had last washed.

'A little' Catherine giggled, pulling Sara in closer.

'I'm sorry…' Sara whispered, pushing away slightly

'It's ok, it's been a tough week… and, I've smelt worse' Catherine said winking, trying to lighten the mood a little. Sara smiled weakly.

'I'm sorry too' Catherine said, moving her hand down Sara's arms. 'Think you can manage a shower by yourself?'

Sara nodded, smiling a little more 'I'm a recovering alcoholic with many issues, but I'm not 4… I can manage…' She stood from the bed, and looked around

'What are you looking for Sweetie?' Catherine asked

'Clothes… towels…' Sara said still looking around

'Oh… I don't know… let me call a nurse…I didn't think to bring anything like that… you may just end up in clean hospital scrubs, but I can bring you some clothes later?'

Sara looked up at her 'You'll come back? After…' Sara gestured between them

'Yes, of course I'll come back, I just won't leave it so long… I want to help Sara, I really do…we need to talk about things, but first, you need to shower, and then eat, rest a little… what time is the counsellor coming?'

Sara looked at the clock, she had forgotten all about it 'Oh… about 5 I think… other than medicine, timing is quiet flexible here…'

Catherine just nodded in understanding 'I'll get the nurse…'

Xxx

It was just gone 4, and Sara was just waking from a nap, she had showered, but found she had no appetite, not even for peanut butter. Catherine was curled in the chair, next to the bed, reading a magazine. 'Hey sleepy head…' she placed the magazine down, and stood up, and without thinking, brushed her lips over Sara's. It didn't last long, it was gentle, it was confusing.

'Hey…' Sara whispered reaching for Catherine's hand.

'Sleep ok?'

'I guess…' Sara fiddled with the blankets with her other hand 'I'm sorry…' she whispered

'Shhh… it's ok, we don't need to talk about this now…'

'I want too…' Sara confessed, feeling both vulnerable and bold at the same time

'Don't you want to wait for the counsellor to get here? Save you from having to go through everything twice?' Catherine asked, her fingers playing with Sara's

'I guess…but there's some things I only want you to hear…'

'I know, but it can wait, it's going to be hard enough talking at 5… you need to save your energy Sara… and you need to eat.'

Sara just nodded reluctantly in acceptance 'Later?' she whispered, eyes closed

'I promise'

Sara nodded again

'Did you really bring apples?' she asked after a few more minutes of silence, a smile spreading on her face.

'Yes, I bought apples' Catherine beamed back, standing to grab them from her bag. Sara took one, and happily started eating it.

'Tell me about your weekend with Lindsey' she asked between bites.

Catherine's grin grew almost impossibly wide 'I took her out of school Friday and Monday, we went to the mall, and to the carnival, spent some time at home relaxing… gave each other mini makeovers…swam… you know I have a pool in the garden, right? We made cakes… god, they were horrible… we went to the park… I don't remember being so energetic when I was 10!'

Sara couldn't help but smile 'You mean you don't know how to bake?'

Catherine blushed a little 'I… I …'

'I'll teach you' Sara said, reaching out for Catherine's hand again

'What, you're telling me, Miss Take-out can cook?'

'Yep, my Mum taught me, we ran a Bed and Breakfast, I can cook for a crowd, speciality, baking, or pasta meals. Trouble is, my recipes fed about 10 people… I know I could scale it down, but… I dunno, just would seem weird doing so… I cook for a crowd, or not at all really…' Sara sighed a little, moving her hand out of Catherine's again, and bringing it to rest on her stomach 'Guess, if all goes well, soon I'll have another mouth to feed…'

A slightly awkward silence fall between them. Sara finished her apple, and placed the core on the table 'God, I could kill for some of Greg's coffee right about now…'

Catherine giggled a little at this 'You and me both!'

Another silence settled, although this one not as heavy 'You said earlier, you were allowed out soon, when?' Catherine asked, standing to stretch her legs a little more, pacing the room a little

'Oh… well, from a medical point of view, tomorrow… but, it depends what the counsellor says, and where exactly I'll go after this…'

Catherine just nodded, still pacing 'Stay with me…' she whispered, her back to Sara so she almost didn't hear her.

'What?' Sara choked out

'Stay with me' Catherine repeated a little more boldly, turning to face Sara now

'I don't think that's a good idea Cat… you were right… I'm projecting, and shifting my obsession elsewhere… '

'Where else will you go?'

Sara shrugged 'I don't know… I guess we just have to wait and see WHEN I can go first…'

'They'll let you out sooner, if they know you have somewhere safe to be, somewhere where you won't be alone'

Sara looked down at the covers once more, and pulled them higher up her chest, feeling exposed once more 'I'll check into a half-way house then….'

Catherine shook her head frantically 'You can't Sara… there not safe… not in your condition…'

'What's that supposed to mean?' Sara spat out

'You're pregnant Sara…a halfway house isn't better than here… come stay with me… or someone else from the team… hell Sara, even Ecklies is a better choice than a halfway house.'

'I can't…not yet… but, you're right… I'll see if I can stay with Jim… I know everyone pretty much knows everything, but… to be honest… he knew first, in a way… though I denied it… I think I owe it to him, to let him see that I can be better than this… perhaps…. Perhaps once I've seen the counsellor, and I have a better grip on myself, I could stay with you… but right now, I'm just so damn confused Cat… I don't know what we are to one another… what we can be to one another…' A tear escaped her eye, and she tried to get rid of it without Catherine noticing.

Catherine came and perched herself on the edge of the bed, and bought her hand up to the side of Sara's face 'What do you want us to be?' she whispered

'I don't know… if I wasn't pregnant…I'd want to be with you Cat… ' she confessed, eyes never leaving Catherine's

'I'd want that too' Catherine whispered, bringing her other hand up to Sara's head

'We can't…..' Sara whispered, eyes darting briefly to Catherine's lips before going back to looking in her eyes.

'We can be what we want to be, minute by minute… no pressure… no promises, just now…' Catherine said, her voice husky, edged with desire, before bringing her lips down to Sara's. Sara tried to resist, but found it nearly impossible, and she pulled Catherine in closer, opening her mouth to the embrace, running a tongue over Catherine's lips, she lay further back on the bed, pulling Catherine down with her, the kiss becoming frantic with need and want. Their bodies had missed each other the past few days, and although they knew there was still a lot to talk about, once again, this felt right, and they didn't want to stop.

Catherine shifted her weight so she was more comfortable, lying on top of Sara, their location forgotten, and moved her lips down and across Sara's jaw, to her neck, then her collar bone, whilst Sara's hand found their way under the blondes top, caressing the soft skin there. They had gotten so lost in each other's touch, that they didn't hear the knock at the door, or someone walk into the room.

Eventually the sound of someone clearing their throat, made the two woman pull apart

'Sara… it's 5 o'clock, time for your appointment' a tall, slim woman announced

'Doctor Hardinge…' Sara gasped, a little embarrassed at having been caught like they were, but also disappointed, that once more, someone, or something, had interrupted the pair having sex.


	24. Relieved

A/N 1- Thanks for the reviews so far.

I realise the last chapter may have been a little confusing, with regards to Catherine's behaviour, so I would just like to clarify something that was pointed out to me (Things like this will help make me a stronger writer, so please, please, do point out if there are any others things…)

why Catherine was such a bitch to Sara in a moment like that? just to crawl back to her the next second? that was a bit harsh and out of context but besides that I liked the chapter.?(referring to Catherine's reaction to Sara telling her she loved her, and then at the end of the chapter, kissing Sara in the bed… ) Hey,  
Thanks for taking the time to read and review  
Yes, that was a harsh reply, but I was trying to convey how Catherine was feeling just as confused and vulnerable as Sara, and with words like that (after Eddie, Chris...other Catherine exes) she would find it hard to believe, also, this was the main point, how she knew Sara was replacing her focus on alcohol on to something else (cat) and how it wasn't healthy.  
Sorry if it was confusing. , I wanted to show the vulnerable messy situation, but also how cat wouldn't abandon her, and was struggling with her own attraction and feeling towards Sara...  
Hopefully will clarify in next chapter (( this isn't resolved in this chapter, as the counselling session takes a different turn, as you will see if you read on, anyway, thanks for reading and sticking with this story if you have got this far, Emz))

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Doctor Hardinge was tall and slim, with olive skin and long dark hair, she was of English-Greek mix, and had come to America to further her practice of counselling nearly 5 years ago. She had yet to have a proper session with Sara, as each attempt this far had been met with a stubborn silence, or had been badly timed with Sara's bad mood or sick periods. The surprise to see Sara now, not only in a good mood, and with company, but caught in a passionate embrace was both a blessing and a curse to the Doctor who now stood in the room. She allowed the two women before her a moment or two to compose themselves, the blonde woman flustered from being caught.

Catherine picked up her bag 'I should go…' she mumbled, eyes looking down at the floor

'I want you to stay… please…' Sara said quietly, pushing herself up in the bed, and swinging her legs around so she was perched on the edge. Catherine bought her eyes up to Sara's, and then looked over at the Doctor, unsure what to say, or if she would be allowed.

'Sara…' Dr Hardinge began 'Although it's nice to see you in a better, and responsive mood, I don't think it's appropriate, right now, for…' she gestured to Catherine '…her to stay. Until I can establish what your issues are, and give you help and support, I don't want anyone else in the room… perhaps after 3 or so sessions, this may change.'

Sara frowned, head hanging low

'Look Sara, you may not like it, but I'm taking charge here…you don't leave here without my say so, and you need to finishing 10 sessions as part of your agreement with the Crime Lab…I'll give you both a moment or two, but after that, I'm sorry Sara, but she needs to leave…'

'Catherine… her name is Catherine…' Sara whispered, her mood for moments before drastically changing once more.

Catherine stepped up to the bed, and pulled Sara into a quick embrace 'It's ok Sara, you'll be ok, just remember…minute by minute ok? I'll come back later, I promise'

Sara nodded her head a little, and mumbled into Catherine's chest 'When?'

'Later… I need to go to work for a bit….Meeting with Conrad, paperwork… crimes to solve…'

Sara just nodded again, and pulled away from Catherine. Before she had almost been looking forward to speaking to someone, especially if it meant she could go home, but now that the moment had come, she was starting to feel anxious and sick, and she didn't know if it was something she could do without Catherine by her side, but it looked as if she would have to, if ever she wanted to leave the hospital, to get her life back on track.

Catherine walked out of the room without another word, trying to keep her composure, seeing Sara yo-yo like she was, was rather hard to deal with.

Doctor Hardinge, Sylvia, sat in the chair next to Sara's bed, thinking carefully about the next thing to say. She had been trying to speak to Sara every day since her admittance into the hospital, but so far had had no luck. Today had looked promising, until she had made Catherine leave the room.

'I'm sorry about that Sara… but truly and honestly, I am here to help, and subjects may come up that you will feel awkward talking about if someone else is here, I can only help if you are truthful with me, and having Catherine here may prevent you from being honest. Do you understand?' She asked, her voice the right balance of professional and concerned.

Sara just nodded, not yet trusting her voice.

'Do you want to try a session today?'

Sara took a long time to respond, she really did want and need help, to leave, but the thought of actually trying to talk about everything she had gone through, to properly analyse it all, terrified her. She had told Catherine, and Nick, a little of her past when in the Hotel, but it had seemed different. Now she didn't know what to do, and the itching for alcohol wasn't helping. She was no longer proud of her 6 days sober, but wishing to drink more than normal to make up for it. The rate with which her mood and feelings changed scared her. She knew there was only so much she could blame on her hormones, and once again, that was something that left her feeling confused.

'I don't know where to start…' she confessed, trying to talk normally

'I know… don't worry about that, I'll start, and we'll see how things go… '

Sara nodded again

'Before we start, I just want to lay out how things will work out… You need to attend 10 sessions, at least, for the safety of your job…I will not discuss the specifics of the sessions with anyone without your permission, but I do need to give your boss, Conrad Ecklie, an overview, this will also affect your ability to carry a gun, both professionally, and personally. The progress you make, will have a bearing on when you can leave here. From a physical point of view, you are able to leave by tomorrow evening, and there technically isn't anything stopping you from checking yourself out at any point, but you need to bear in mind, that in doing so, overall, it will just be a negative effect, and my reports back will not be written in the best light. This isn't meant to sound like a threat, or blackmail, but it is meant to help you see that there is a lot at stake here… do you understand all of this?'

Sara shifted so she was once again lying down in the bed, hiding under the covers, if she was going to expose herself like this, she wanted as much physical comfort as she could right now 'Yes, I understand Sylvia'

'Good' Sylvia shifted in her chair, pulling out a notepad to write key things down as she went

'What now?' Sara asked picking at the threads of the blanket once more

'Is there any particular topic you want to get out of the way first? Anything at all…'

Again she was met with silence 'Ok, how about we start with what has bought you here, your addiction to alcohol? When did it start?' she asked

'It's complicated' Sara whispered

'How?'

'It's tied up with so many others things… I don't know how to untangle them… it's like… 'Sara paused, trying to think of how to explain it so it made sense 'It's like…when your house is a tip, and it needs cleaning.. so you think, you'll start in the kitchen, and you get so far, but before you can finish, you have to do something in the bedroom, but before you can finish that, you have to do something in the bathroom…. You end up needing to do at least 3 other jobs before you can even finish the job that you started, and even then, before you're done, the cycle starts again… am I making any sense?'

'Yes Sara, you're making sense… I used to work in a supermarket, the stock room sounds exactly like that, complicated and overcrowded.'

'Yes… it's overwhelming.' Sara said

'Ok… so, let's start simply, like in your analogy, let's start in the kitchen…'

Sara couldn't help but smile a little at this 'Ok… I've been drinking since I was… God… I've never even thought about this before… let's see…first time I broke my wrist… oh, since I was 12…'

Sylvia didn't look surprised, or shocked by this, just nodded, keeping her professional mask on 'You've been an alcoholic since then?' she asked, rising one eyebrow slightly

'No… No…I became a little… dependant… about… 5 years ago, before I came to Vegas, I was in 'Frisco before, but it really was nothing serious…I became addicted sometime in the past year…past few months…'

'Ok, what triggered this?'

Sara closed her eyes, shifting in the bed 'I had a miscarriage… I thought it was a twisted blessing in disguise… that I was dealing with it… but things got out of hand… my due-date came around… I hit rock bottom… '

'You received a caution for a DUI, but no charges made…you were asked to see someone from PEAP…'

'Yes…'

'Did you?'

'Twice… I lied my way through the sessions, didn't go back.'

'Why did you lie in the sessions?'

'No one knew about the Baby…' Sara confessed quietly

'How come you didn't tell anyone, ask for support…'

'I told the Father, but we'd already broken up at this point, I didn't even know if I wanted, or could, keep it. I was still deciding, when it was decided for me… there was an accident at work… that's how I lost it.'

Sylvia nodded in understanding, although Sara clearly still had a lot more to say, she was beginning to understand.

'How did you feel afterwards?'

Sara rolled onto her back, staring up at the ceiling. She had spent more time in bed in the past week, than she normally spent in a month, not counting the times she had fallen into a stranger's bed, and she was getting restless, but at the same time she didn't want to leave the comfort and protection it held for her. To leave it would be to expose herself more to the world, and she wasn't ready for that right now. She could however put a bit more distance between herself and the Doctor. She felt ashamed at her next words

'Relieved… at first, I was relieved… then I felt guilty…then remorseful, confused… out of control… and lastly I felt that it was nothing more than I deserved… but at first… when I was lying in pain on the bathroom floor, bleeding, I felt relieved.'

Sylvia's brow furrowed 'Why were you relieved?'

'My first baby died… I didn't feel as if I deserved a second child…I didn't believe I would cope, that I would be a good mother, not after what happened… I was relieved that I would never have to find out how much of a shitty mother I would be the second time around.' Sara somehow managed to keep her voice calm, but her hands were twisting in the blankets even more furiously now.

'I'm sorry Sara, I'm sorry you felt like that… ' Sylvia paused, wondering in which direction to take first, the death of her first baby, or the extreme reaction caused by the miscarriage of the first. Sara seemed to sense this, and didn't want to talk about either subject right now.

'Can we talk about something else… please… I can't do this right now…'

Sylvia sighed, not feeling too happy, but she didn't want to end the session all together 'Sure, but we have to come back to them at some point…'

Sara nodded, shifting on to her side again

'I was given a brief rundown of what happened in the Hotel Sara, so I would know what areas needed to be covered…can we talk about that?'

'OK….'

'Was this the first time you were raped Sara?'

'No…' she choked out, a wave of nausea rolling over her, she reached for the water and took a few sips.

'Have you ever reported them, or receive counselling about them?'

'I tried… I … I had my virginity taken when I was 11…had a baby at 15…until then, no one believed me… mind you, I only told 2 people, my mum, and a teacher… I don't know why they didn't listen… well, at the time, I didn't… I do now… I was raped a few times in foster care, didn't dare tell anyone… and again in college… in my adult life… I've even been raped a handful of times within my career as a CSI, So, No, I haven't reported them, at first I was too scared, then no one believed me, then I didn't see the point, or couldn't prove it… alcohol really does cloud the judgement, and people in high places, and crooks get away with things… '

'Sara….'

'Just say it…' Sara snapped

'How did it keep happening, it doesn't sound like it was the same person all those years?'

'It wasn't…'

'Sara…'

'Look, you try being in my shoes, I wanted to tell someone, but I didn't want or need the ridicule, the embarrassment, the judging, First my father, then 2 of my foster dads, random people from college, clubs… not just men, a criminal who was found dead in an unrelated matter, one that was arrested for a burglary that ended in accidental manslaughter… cases on which my friends and colleagues worked…no, I wasn't having it, I wasn't bringing my mess into it. Then there was the corrupt judge…. And god only knows who else… for over half of them I was so heavily intoxicated, or in a public space like a club toilet, that I knew no one would believe me… but do you know what, it didn't stop me from clubbing, or drinking, not really, I still went out, looking for a good time, trying to take control of MY sex life, of my body, trying to break even from the horrors of it all, but for all the people I slept with because I WANTED TO, someone else came along and took that control away from me, so no, I haven't reported it, or dealt with it, because who the fuck would believe me, and who the FUCK WOULD CARE!' Sara screamed, getting louder and louder, more and more hysterical once more. Sara broke down crying, years of frustration and keeping it all slowly being released.

Sylvia sighed, and dropped her notebook into her lap, and for the first time in her career, had to wipe away the tears that were falling down her face.

Xxx

A/N 2 –I think this has reached a good break-point, partly because the chapter is long already, 2300 odd words, partly because I have to get ready for work… I don't think it's the end of the counselling session though… we shall see. Hopefully have time to write again on Sunday, if not this, my other story – Communes and Tattoos. Please review if you can.

Thanks, Emz.


	25. Listening

A/n –Hey! Found some time to write…. Just a warning, this gets pretty heavy, as Sara opens up about her various rapes… all part of the recovery process… will be back to something a *tad* lighter soon, but all in all, it is a rather heavy story…. Emz…

Xxxxxx

Sylvia stayed quiet for a while, allowing Sara to cry and unleash the years of anger, when the crying stopped, she cautiously placed her hand over Sara's arm for a moment and said, voice even 'Your friends care, Catherine cares, I care. We all want to help you Sara, no one will judge you or blame you, but you need to stop blaming yourself'

Sara nodded her hear slightly, acknowledging the words, but couldn't bring herself to speak

'Do you blame yourself for all the rapes you have suffered? Do you believe that you deserved them?' Sylvia asked, leaning back in her chair, she knew it was a harsh question, but it was also a necessary one.

'Yes' Sara choked out

'Why?' She asked

'Because I kept putting myself in those situations, because I wasn't strong enough to say no, even when I was sober'

'You're a criminalist, do you ever blame rape victims for the assault they have been through, or do you blame the person who attacked them?'

Sara shook her head 'No, Never, I've never blamed a victim'

'So why do you blame yourself? Why do you think you deserved it?' Sylvia asked, watching Sara closely

'It's what I know… what I've been told, and conditioned to believe… what my Father beat into me, when he was hitting my Mother, he told her she deserved it, that it was her fault…he said the same to me, when he started to beat me…I was 8… when he raped me, he said it was because it was the only way I'd learn to be a woman, that it was my fault for being the fairer sex, that it was my fault he didn't have any cigarettes or booze… he raped me for the first time when I was 11, and raped me another 7 times before he was killed…not all the time, just every so often, when my Mother wasn't there, or her hormones got in the way… he died when I was 14… then two of my foster dads raped me, saying I deserved it, having being bought up like I was, and besides, it wasn't like I was innocent… I ran away the very next day on both occasions… then there were the times in college, in adult hood, where alcohol clouded my judgement… where I would change my mind half way through, but they wouldn't stop… so yes, I deserved them, I deserved every beating, every bad word, every rape, and none of it had stopped me drinking, made me question my ways, I've just carried on… I've just taken every rape, feeling numb. It's what I expect from men, I just deal with it. I came close to reporting a rape in my adulthood, only once, but it's hard enough to prove it when I man rapes a woman, so I knew I had no chance of proving it, or being believed, when a woman first raped me. Dealing with my sexuality is confusing and hard enough as it is, without someone judging me for allowing myself to be raped by someone of the same sex, even if once again I deserved it. I'd lead them on, flirted with them, danced with them… kissed them… I wanted them, we were too desperate to wait to leave the club, so we found ourselves in the club bathroom… we were just beginning to get intimate…' Sara paused, took a deep breath, and pushed herself to continue 'We were just beginning to get as intimate as you can in a toilet stall, when I opened my eyes, took notice of my surroundings… I changed my mind, I asked her to stop… she didn't. She didn't care… she pulled my trousers down, forced her fingers inside, had me pinned up against the wall… my back was to her… turned out she was wearing a strap-on, whilst her fingers violated me, she…she…she forced the strap-on in to me from behind… I'd been raped like that before…. But this was something else… it hurt more than I thought it could, it was unusually large, and she forced it all the way in… I was left bleeding, and sore, but the worst of it was, was my body's betrayal to myself, as unwanted as they were, her fingers were talented, and my pleasure-pain receptors got confused, the alcohol not helping….. she bought me to orgasm before she was finished, and then she pushed me to the floor, spat on me, and told me she knew I'd enjoy it, so I was stupid to have tried to make her stop… 'Tears were silently streaming down Sara's face, her whole body shaking.

Sylvia had once again dropped her notebook into her lap, and after waiting for a few moments, she asked 'When did this happen?'

'My last week in San Francisco… so, about 4 years ago… I want to report it… I'm a CSI, I knew I should have… but I couldn't… I didn't want anyone to know… I try not to think about it all… but I can't help it… perhaps if I had reported one of them, the others wouldn't have happened… I try not to think about how many other victims there may be, how many other people have been violated at the hands of my many abusers, all because I've kept quiet for so long… but then I remind myself that it's all my fault… that I deserved it, that surely the people who did this to me, wouldn't ever to that to anyone else… it makes me feel a little better… a little less guilty… but it's also driven me to drink more and more… to work harder and harder at my job… I've never gotten justice for myself… I try and get it for other people…'

'Listen to me Sara, none of this was your fault, none of it, you don't let other victims believe it, so you need to let yourself believe it too, I know it's difficult, but it's something you need to do, to help you move on, the get better. To stop the drinking, the destructive behaviours, the self-harming, the suicidal thoughts and attempts… . I can't force you to think differently, but I can be here to help you work through all of this, to get you back on track… will you let me? Will you let Catherine and I help?'

Sylvia reached over to hold Sara's hand, she didn't normally engage in physical contact with her clients, but she felt that with Sara, some of her normal rules would go out the window.

Sara could only nod, wiping the tears away once more

'Sara, if you don't want to talk about this anymore, we can change subject, or stop the session, but before we do, I do need to ask you something very important, ok?' Sylvia asked, rubbing her thumb gently over the back of her hand, Sara once again nodded 'Have you ever been tested at clinics for STI's and STD's? You've had a lot of partners, consensual or otherwise… You didn't know you were Pregnant Sara, what else might you not know about?'

Sara nodded 'Yeah… Yeah, I go to a different clinic every couple of months or so… normally I'm careful, use protection, as are the people who assault me… DNA profiling is big knowledge now… I guess a condom must have split… and no, I have no idea who the father could be, I slept with 3 different people, and was raped once during the 2 weeks window the conception could have been… the hospital have run further checks here, I'm all clear on that front' Sara smiled weakly, resting her hand once again on her stomach. 'Thanks…' she whispered after another silence 'Thanks for listening… for letting me get it out… ' her confidence grew a little 'I want to stop now, but I also want to get out of here…I want to talk about one more thing, please… before we end…'

Sylvia just nodded, gesturing for Sara to continue

'I want to talk about Catherine' Sara said, a small smile lighting up her face, as she sat up in the bed, wanting to give the subject all of her attention.

Xxxxx

A/N Thanks for making it through this heavy chapter… once again I need to stop writing, as I really need to get to sleep, as I have work early in the morning…. Next chapter should finish of the first counselling session, and then Brass and the guys may just well visit Sara. Review if you can. Thanks, Emz.


	26. Brass

Sylvia waited for Sara to start talking. She had a few views about Catherine herself, based on her knowledge of Sara's situation, and what she had witnessed earlier that afternoon, but she knew it would be best to wait and see what Sara had to say.

'Catherine confuses me' Sara said, sitting up a little straighter, hand rubbing on her belly.

'Before this week, we weren't really that close. We work really well together, when we put our minds to it, we really are a good work team. I've never really been close to anyone, never really had female friends, so it never really bothered me a lot. I've always tried to loose myself in work… I've been too busy for friends, relationships… There was Hank, but… well, that ended badly, even before the miscarriage… Which brings me too Catherine… I know it was an accident, but, ultimately, she caused my miscarriage..' Sara paused, trying to formulate her next sentence carefully.

'At first I was… grateful, relieved… then I was mad… angry… confused… I still am. It became harder to be over civil with her…with all of the team really, especially as the months went by, the due date…everything…' Sara paused again 'For a long time, I felt angry with her, because she had taken away a decision from me, even if she didn't know it. But, like I said, my emotions were all over the place…' Sara frowned 'I'm rambling, I know… It's hard getting this out…'

Sylvia just smiled a little, encouraging Sara to go on

'When I finally told her, she looked so… guilty, regretful… I stormed out. I felt, relieved. Relieved that finally someone knew, someone other than Hank knew. I placed all of that guilt on her, but I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.. It lasted all of five minutes… Then I was back to feeling like I had for most of the year…' Sara turned to look out the window 'After the incident at the lab, Catherine changed… I can't really explain it…but I know I started to see her in a different light. I mean, I started to notice how her hairstyle could reflect her mood, her smile… the way she walked, concentrated on evidence. Little things. She took my baby from me… but I found myself drawn to her… attracted to her…' Sara closed her eyes 'Was that wrong?' She asked, desperately needing to hear Sylvia's thoughts on the matter.

'It's complicated, like you said Sara, but it's understandable. Catherine inadvertently took away something from you, so naturally your thoughts turned more and more to the person who had caused the damage. It's normal whenever something like that happens. It's more likely to happen if you survive something, and someone else dies. Your baby died Sara, I know you understand that. It's what bought you here after all. Because Catherine was a part of it, you were drawn to her. It's normal, for a while.'

Sara sniffled, shifting in the bed again, she got up and walked over to the window 'And now?' she asked

'And now, now it's not so normal… I'm worried about your relationship with her Sara. I don't know exactly how you both got to the point of being sexually involved, but I do know that this amount of emotional attachment so soon, isn't healthy… I know she helped you, a lot, this past week, since everything came out in the open, but it seems to me that you are replacing your dependence on alcohol, with a dependence on Catherine.'

Sara nodded a little 'I can't help it…'

'Yes, you can' Sylvia said firmly

'How?' Sara asked, turning to look at the woman before her.

'It won't be easy Sara, but I'll be here to help'

Sara nodded

'You need to put some distance between yourself and Catherine, if you want to get better, you need to give her up, just like you need to give up the alcohol, the cutting, the suicide attempts, all of the bad habits and behaviours you have'

'I can't' Sara whispered, turning back to the window again

'You can Sara, you have to'

'I can't' Sara repeated, with a bit more force in her voice

'Why?' Sylvia asked, looking closely at Sara's body language

'I love her' Sara confessed.

Sylvia sighed, stood up, and walked over to Sara, standing by her side, she looked out of the window.

'Have you told her?'

'Yes'

'What did she say?' She asked gently, trying not to let her voice falter. She needed to remain professional, but she had never worked with someone quiet like Sara before, and this was only their first session.

Sara looked at the floor, then looked around slightly nervously, before walking back to the bed restlessly 'She said I couldn't… that I was latching on to her, to forget about the alcohol abuse…' She paced the room a little, wanting to curl back in the bed, but feeling unable to at this time

'Do you think she said it because she's right?' Sylvia asked, looking out at the view

'Yes…No…Maybe, I don't know…' Sara admitted with frustration

'How do you think Catherine feels?'

Sara slumped down into the chair 'I don't know… I didn't ask…'

'How did you end up in bed together the first time?'

'It's complicated' Sara whispered, trying to control her frustrations.

'Make it uncomplicated then, tell me what happened Sara'

Sara nodded slowly, and told her what had happened, up to the point where she had locked herself in the bathroom following the phone call that had interrupted them from Nick.

'So, at that point, it was strictly sexual, a built-up of frustrations and emotions, and from feeling so vulnerable?'

Sara nodded in agreement, but couldn't find her voice.

'What happened next?'

Sara was silent for a minute or two, and then told her everything to the point where Nick had joined them in bed, to sleep. 'I woke up…I was sandwiched between them both. I felt… excited… Nick had become, aroused, in his sleep… I responded to it. I involved Catherine. We all slept together. It was…amazing… I'd never done anything like that before. After we were finished, Nick left the room. Catherine and I carried on kissing one another… touching. We had sex again. Shortly afterwards we came here.'

'When it was the three of you together, were there any emotions involved?'

'No…I don't know… I don't think so…I'm not sure'

'How about when it was just the two of you again?'

'Yes' Sara confessed 'Yes… I don't regret what we all did, but I don't want it to happen again. Not all three of us, not just Nick. Just Catherine, I just want Catherine.'

'Want her like you want alcohol?' Sylvia asked, turning around. She knew it was a harsh question, but she knew it was also a much needed question.

Sara couldn't answer. She didn't know. She was so confused. The counselling was supposed to help, but right now it wasn't. She sat in silence for a while, and Sylvia just watched her, reading her body language once more. Sara tried to speak several times, but found it difficult. She knew there was no escaping the room, no imminent call from a doctor or nurse expected, that Catherine had been sent away, but right now she would have given anything to have someone walk into the room.

'I want to feel better, I don't want to lose another baby, I want this baby to be healthy. I can't do that alone. I need help. More help than I've ever needed, or admitted to needing. I want Catherine to help me. I need her to help me. I can't expect it to happen overnight, I've got a lot of wrongs to right, a lot of wounds to heal… I don't know what we are to one another, Catherine and I, I just know we have to take it day by day…minute by minute. You saw us, together; tell me you don't see us being happy together, eventually, one day?' Sara spoke at last. She didn't know if Sylvia would like or accept her answer, but it was the only one she had.

Sylvia just smiled.

Xxxx

It had been a few hours since Sylvia had left. For the most part the session had gone well. Sylvia would be back in the morning to talk to Sara about being released from the hospital. There was still a lot to talk about, but experience had told her patients generally recovered much better away from the hospital whenever it was possible. She was reluctant however to let Sara leave on her own. She felt it would be better if she had someone with her for a week or two. The medicine could stop her from drinking, the detox would help to, but the thoughts for a drink would still be there, as would the feeling and wish to self-harm again, or to once again attempt or think about suicide. Those topics would have to wait a while though. She knew pushing too much, too soon, normally had negative consequences. She had left the room telling Sara to be careful, that yes, taking things a minute at a time was a good approach, but that she would also have to think about her future. She knew Sara was exhausted, and wasn't surprised when Sara fall asleep before she had even left the room.

Sara had fallen into a light sleep, and was awoken when a porter came around with a tray of food. Sara mumbled her thanks, the warmth of the blankets comforting to her. She ate a little of the food, thinking over what had happened in the session, over the last week. She reached for her phone, and dialled a familiar number.

She could do this. She had to do this. She heard the click of the phone being answered

'Brass' came the voice

'Brass…It's Sara…' she whispered, her voice cracking a little. She knew that the entire CSI team knew she was in the hospital, she knew they knew why, but until this point she hadn't had any contact with anyone other than Catherine and Ecklie. She knew a couple of them had tried to visit, to phone, but she hadn't allowed anyone in to see her. She hadn't reached out to anyone.

'Brass… I messed up Brass… You were right, you were right all along' she confessed, voice cracking.

'It's ok Sara…It's all going to be ok… Will you let me come visit you now? I want to help Sara. I've only ever wanted to help'

'Please…' she whispered 'Please…I need somewhere to stay…' she began to cry

'It's ok Sara, We'll talk when I get there ok?' Brass said, a lump forming in his own throat. He had spent all week worrying about her, first the case with Rose, then the Husband lying about the abuse, the fall out. Learning that Sara had been admitted to hospital, the pregnancy, the alcoholism. He had tried to visit, had even used his badge to try and gain access, but he had been denied. They all had. Only Catherine had been allowed to see her, and Ecklie. No one had wanted to speak to Ecklie about her, and Catherine had avoided most of them. 'I'm on my way ok Sara, I'm on my way'

Xxx

Hope you enjoyed this. This will start to get lighter in the next few chapters. If you want to read something else whilst you're waiting, I'm also working on Communes and Tattoos, and just re-written and updated Deafening Silence. Review if you can, it brightens my day.

Emz.


	27. 5

About twenty minutes after the phone call, Jim pulled up in the Hospital car park; he hurried in and went to the front desk, 10 minutes after that he was outside Sara's room.

He knocked on the door, and stepped in, expecting to see Sara looking sad and defeated, so he was very surprised to see her standing near the window swaying gently to the quiet jazz that filled the room.

'Sara?' he called gently not wanting to startle her

'Jim!' She called excitedly turning around 'Come look at this view! It's so beautiful, come on!' she walked over and pulled him into the room towards the window. Brass was now even more confused, but followed anyway. Sara was right, the view was nice, and the colour of the sky just added to it.

'Are you ok Sara?' he asked after they had been standing looking out the window for a few minutes

'Yes, I'm fine…' Sara paused, remembering the conversation that he seemed like a lifetime ago, but had only really been about 40 minutes 'Oh… The tablets kicked in, and my hormones are on an up at the moment…' she explained 'Sorry…Thanks for coming though…You've caught me in a good mood… I never knew they could be so extreme, so up and down…' she said all of this with a smile on her face.

'Sara, sweetie, I don't think they should be this…changeable…' he said taking her hand gently, pulling her towards the bed

Sara just shrugged 'Probably not, but right now I'm too happy to care' she sat on the edge of the bed 'They said I could go home soon, tomorrow perhaps'

'I know, that's why I'm here…Remember?'

'Of course I remember, I asked you to come, I've got depression not dementia Brass' she said with a slight edge to her voice.

'I know…' Jim paused. He knew he needed to talk to Sara, but he didn't want to cause her mood to drop 'How's the baby?' he asked, when he saw her hands rest over her stomach

'Good…Good…' Sara said smiling a little

Jim just nodded, and then sat in the chair, he pulled something out from his jacket pocket 'Wanna play a game?' he said, showing her a deck of playing cards 'I always keep these with me, don't ask why, we could play jinn-rummy or black-jack if you like?'

Sara giggled a little and nodded 'Sure, you can deal, I just need to pop to the bathroom' she jumped up from the bed, and walked into the little bathroom attached to her room. When she returned the cards were dealt, and they began to play.

For a long time they said nothing beyond the words needed for the game they were playing. They got through 7 quick games, but before Jim could deal another round, Sara placed her hand over his.

'I'm sorry, for not listening to you, back when you first questioned me. Forgive me?' she asked, trying to make her voice sound as confident as possible

'I can't Sara, there's nothing to forgive. We can't change what you already did, or what I didn't do to help, so let's not dwell on it, ok'. He twirled her fingers in his, rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand

'Why don't you ask me what you bought me here to ask?' he said a smile on his face.

Sara hung her head, wanting to pull her hand away, but she didn't. If Jim could be so good about all of this, she could try and show him a little respect back. To be honest with him.

'I need the counsellors agreement to leave this place…Sylvia is nice, I guess, but given my…history, so to say, the events that bought me here…I've got 3 options… a half-way house, being committed – which both have a high change of my baby being taken away…' she choked back a sob, took a deep breath, and started again 'Or staying with someone that I trust, that could look after me, and support me through all of this…' Sara swallowed again, and looked up to Brass '…Can I come and stay with you Jim, please? Can I stay with you?'

'No'

Xxxxx

Catherine knocked on the door and waited for the voice to call her in, she stepped into the room, and closed the door behind her, and took a seat in front of the desk.

'Catherine, what can I do for you?' Ecklie asked

'It's about Sara' She asked trying to put as much strength as she could in her voice.

Ecklie sighed and placed his pen on the table, and leaned back in his chair arching his fingers together, but didn't say anything just yet.

'I um…I heard that you went to see Sara in the Hospital…about your very…generous… offer, and terms for her to come back to work…I appreciate it, she appreciates it…'

'But?' he asked, knowing that Catherine hadn't just come by to thank him.

'But, although Sara realises you are being very generous and kind, that she understands just how…badly… she messed up, that she appreciates the offer to help with the bills and finances… '

'The compensation?' Ecklie cut in, not in the mood to deal with Catherine beating around the bush

'Yes' Catherine looked at him, questions in her eyes 'Who's going to pay for it…I…I…' she didn't want to be selfish, but she couldn't afford to pay the money herself, not without some serious loans, and she didn't know the labs policy for such payments.

'Any compensation that Sara agrees to will come from 3 sources, 80% will come from a fund we have set up within our insurance policy, 15% will come from the tax payer, and 5% will come from the person who is ultimately responsible for the incident… in normal circumstances, anyway' he leant forward, and pulled a few pieces of paper from his desk drawer.

'5%?' Catherine questioned, that could have been any amount, depending on how much money Sara would settle on

'Yes, normally'

'Normally?' she questioned again.

'If the compensation paperwork is submitted within 6 months of an incident, yes, between 6 and 12 months the amount drop to 2.5%, after a year the amount is set to zero, and the remaining 5% is split between the first two sources. You don't have to pay anything financially Catherine, I can imagine you're paying enough in other areas.'

Catherine just nodded, but didn't drop her gaze 'Thank you'

'Was that all?' Ecklie asked passing the papers to Catherine, they were papers about starting the compensation process.

'No… how do we, how does Sara, put a price on that? How can she put a price on that…'

'I don't know Catherine, only Sara can decide that…I can tell you that the maximum pay-out we would be covered for is 1.4 million dollars… and given the circumstances, it is highly unlikely the amount Miss Sidle asks for would be denied… but, from a purely… logistical point of view… that amount would cripple us… it would be paid, but it would cripple us….'

'I understand…Thank you…' Catherine stood up, and walked towards the door, and then turned again

'Conrad… you said it was set at 5%... didn't… didn't anyone claim compensation, didn't Greg ask for it… why didn't Sara…'

Conrad smiled weakly 'Greg was offered, he accepted, he took $200 to replace his clothes that were damaged in the blast…as the amount you paid was only $10 we strictly didn't need your approval, and it was just docked from your wages… no one else's injuries were deemed bad enough for the offer. No one knew about…about the miscarriage… we just knew about Sara's hand… I spoke to her the next day, explained the situation, she declined any money… whether she'd had the miscarriage at that point or not, I don't know….but as the circumstances have changed, the offer is open once again…I hope that answers your questions for now…I have paperwork to do, and you should be working…' he looked down at his desk, effectively dismissing her. Catherine mumbled a thanks, and left the room.

Xxxx

Sara's face fall hearing his word. One word, said so bluntly and with such force. She choked back a sob, although she still had two options left, she knew they were both as bad as one another, but she would have to deal with it and consign herself to being placed in an institution. There was no one else she felt she could stay with. She nodded slightly 'I understand' she whispered, pulling her hand away

'I don't think you do Sara. I won't have you coming to stay with me. It won't help your recovery. You need to be somewhere you are familiar with. I will come and stay with you' He reached for her hand again, and smiled brightly.

Xxx

'How do you think Sara is?' Greg asked pouring out some cups of coffee for everyone

'I don't know' Nick said, his mind once again playing over the events in the hotel 'Last time I saw her she wasn't in a good place' he couldn't admit to much more than that. A lot of what had happened in that room would stay between Catherine, Sara and himself. It would be easier that way, in the long run.

'I wish we could go and see her' Warrick said, taking his mug from Greg

'When she's ready, we can, you know what she's like… she hates sympathy' Nick said taking a sip on his coffee

'Yeah, don't I know it' Greg said with a smile 'How's Catherine?' he asked

'She's fine' came a voice from the doorway, they all looked up to see Catherine stood there.

'Glad to hear it' Greg said with a huge smile on his face. 'Sara doing ok?' he asked, knowing that she had been in the hospital with Sara, and with her throughout most of the time in the Hotel 'Better, she's doing better… still up and down, but better. She had her first ultrasound the other day, things are looking well'

'A little CSI in the making' Warrick said with a smile, a small round of giggles filling the room.

Xxx

Sara looked up at Jim in disbelief, not sure if she had misheard his words, so he repeated them

'Sara, right now, you need help, but you also need familiarity and comfort, you won't find that in my sad bachelor pad, but I'd do anything in the world to see you smiling again, to see you happy, to see the beautiful baby you will have, so I will come and stay with you, as long as it takes, no matter what it takes Sara. Let's get you out of this hospital, and let's get you home'


	28. Nail Soup

Sara sat nervously in the car; Sylvia had agreed to let her go home, as long as she came back for another session in two days. She had also prescribed Lithium to try and control Sara's extreme mood swings, fearing it was more than just the hormones from the pregnancy, most likely Sara was Bipolar. But still, she was allowed to go home, and Brass would stay with her. In a few minutes she would be there, somewhere she hadn't been for nearly two weeks.

Brass pulled up to her apartment complex, and turned to look at her 'You alright Kiddo?' he asked, a smile on his face

'Yeah…Yeah…I'll be ok…Just remembered the state I left the place in…So let me apologise in advance for the mess'

'Oh, don't worry about that at all Sara' he said whilst getting out of the car, waiting for her to follow. After a few more minutes she did, and then walked up to her apartment feeling a little apprehensive. At last she reached the door, unlocked it, and stepped in, Jim close behind her.

'Sorry' she mumbled, closing the door behind her.

'It's ok Sara, really, don't worry about it, I've seen worse, now, shall I make some tea?'

'Oh… sure… I haven't got any milk though; everything in the fridge would have gone bad… I need to go to the supermarket… ' Sara fiddled with the keys in her hand.

'That's ok, we can drink it black, go shopping later, go, sit, relax…' Jim steered her towards the sofa, but Sara resisted 'No, it's ok, I want to get started on the cleaning… just an hour, at least do the washing up…'

'Let me help then?'

Sara nodded slowly, accepting the help 'Ok… Perhaps you could strip the bed, put some clean sheets on?'

'Sure, no problem, let's put some music on, shall we? What are you in the mood for? More Jazz?'

'No, actually… don't laugh… but the go-to cleaning music is the Shrek soundtrack, every time… I hope that's ok?'

'Shrek… that green Ogre? Never seen it, but sure, whatever you want Sara' he chuckled to himself, and walked towards the bedroom, taking in the state of the flat but making no comments about it.

About an hour later Sara had finally finished washing up all of the pots pans and crockery, and had put the kettle on. Walking to the fridge automatically for some milk, she couldn't help but gag at the smell when she opened it. The fridge was a little worse than she thought it would be. It was also depressing, as it was mostly filled with old take-away cartons and very little else… except for the beer. Closing the fridge again she called out to Jim 'Unless you want to go to the supermarket, I think we best order in a takeaway… the fridge is gross, and the cupboards are a little bare…'

'Don't be silly Sara, I'm sure there must be something we can cook…let me have a look…' he replied walking into the kitchen with the old bed sheets, and placing them in the washing machine. 'Hope you don't mind, but the bed didn't take long, so I gave the bathroom a quick clean'

Sara looked at him sceptically for a moment 'You mean you went in the bathroom to look for razors or anything else sharp?' she asked, feeling a little hurt.

Brass frowned 'No, actually… Your mess, your responsibility…In my experience confiscating anything sharp or alcoholic only makes things worse. You need to resist, and I'll help with that, I will, but if I take them, you won't learn, only resent and crave more…' Brass shrugged 'Call it Fatherly experience, you know about Ellie… I won't make those same mistakes with you' as he was speaking he stepped closer, and placed his hand on Sara's arm. Sara smiled weakly and nodded, and then unexpectedly pulled him in for a hug 'Thank you' she mumbled into his chest.

'So, what can I cook? Up for some nail soup?' he asked placing a kiss on her head before pulling away

'Nail soup?' Sara asked a little confused

'Yes, nail soup… you haven't heard the story?'

Sara just shook her head no and chuckled a little 'Not a clue…'

'Ah… watch and learn' Brass said beginning to open the various kitchen cupboards.

Awhile later, after they had finished eating and once again Sara had cleaned up the kitchen, they both sat on the sofa, drinking tea.

'How are you feeling?'

'Ok…I guess Sylvia was right…my mood has been a bit more even, but now instead of drinking I'm popping pills… 3 prescriptions, plus the vitamins… maybe iron too soon… all I can think is that I'm grateful I've been taking vitamins for years, and they have Folic Acid in them… it helps grow the baby's spine or something… It's important anyway, so that's one less thing to worry about…' Sara leant her head against Jims shoulder 'Thanks for being here…'

'Anytime kiddo' he replied throwing an arm around her shoulder.

'Jim?' Sara whispered

'Yeah?'

'What do you think about Catherine?' she asked, curling into his side a little more

Xxx

Catherine sat at home, looking at her phone, it was a little early to go into work, and Lindsey was at a friend's house working on a school project. She really wanted to ring Sara, knowing she was now back home, but she didn't want to crowd her. She'd been by the hospital late the night before. Jim had phoned her after seeing Sara to let her know what was going on. She'd spend about two hours with Sara before she fall asleep. They'd talked a little, but mostly they had sat quietly together, not quiet knowing what to say. Before Catherine had left she had kissed Sara again, pouring her emotions into the embrace, and was happy when Sara had not only been receptive to the touch, but had returned it.

Reluctantly she decided to wait a little longer. She'd phone Sara on her break later, let her settle in a little bit more.

Xxx

Jim smiled 'Catherine eh… Why do you want to know?'

Sara twisted slightly 'I…' she looked down feeling a little embarrassed 'I…We…'

'I know' Brass said rubbing her arm 'She didn't say anything, but I picked up the vibes, even over the phone… When did it happen?'

'At the hotel' Sara mumbled, leaning back into his chest.

'Well then, you know Catherine has seen you at a fairly low point, but there's obviously something there… she would have dealt with the whole situation differently otherwise…'

'You haven't answered the question though…'

'What question?' he asked half serious

'What do you think about her…'

'Why is it important?'

'It…I don't know… It…It…' Sara sat up, looking around the room 'My Father wasn't a good Father, I've never really had a good family, I've never really cared about what people think of me, I've seeked a lot of… academic approval… but never… never really personal approval….' Sara said fidgeting in her seat.

'Ah, I see… Well, I think she's a good person, a good Mum, a hard worker, a great CSI, I think she's good for you, she'll help balance you out… in a few years perhaps she'll even make a good Daughter-in-Law' he said a big smile on his face, his hand resting on Sara's leg.

Sara's head snapped up at that 'What….' She stammered out

'I said, Catherine would make a go…' Sara cut him off 'I…I heard what you said, I… I…I'm just a little…speechless… confused…'

Jim just smiled again 'Why, I told you, I already made mistakes with one Daughter, I won't make them again… I wish you were younger Sara, I'd adopt you if I could…' Once again Sara cut him off

'You can… I… I read about it somewhere… you can, I mean, if you're serious…' Sara looked down once again.

'I am' Jim said lifting her head up 'So, what do you say?'

Sara nodded, a massive smile on her face, and threw her arms around him 'I love you Dad' she said giggling

'I love you too Kiddo'

Xxx

A/N – See, a happy chapter! Also, do look up 'Nail Soup' if you don't know it already. Also also, the Shrek soundtrack (original movie) is brilliant, and it is actually what I listen too to clean 90% of the time (The other 10% of the time is Toxicity by System of a Down…)

Thanks for reading, Emz


	29. Assumptions

Jim and Sara spend the next few hours cleaning the rest of the flat. Sara wanted to make the most of the opportunity whilst she had the energy, and the help. It was around 3pm when the first wave of nausea suddenly hit and she had to rush to the bathroom. It was clear that morning sickness didn't just occur in the morning.

'This sucks' Sara mumbled, head resting on the side of the bathtub

'I know, but it'll be worth it, I promise' Brass said leaning against the door frame

'Hope so' Sara mumbled before being sick once more.

'Here' Brass gave her a wet washcloth and she wiped her face and mouth clean 'Perhaps you could get some sleep Sara. You've done a lot today, a lot more than the last few days combined'

'I know' Sara said slowly, pushing herself a little more upright 'I just… I was hoping Catherine might have rang…'

Jim couldn't help but laugh at this 'Yeah… I've got some news for you kiddo… you can ring her'

'I don't want to bug her…'

Jim couldn't help but laugh again 'She's probably thinking the same thing Sara, not wanting to crowd you so soon. If you want to speak to her, speak to her, then sleep'

Sara smiled and nodded, and pushed herself to her feet, and walked towards the phone.

'Willows' Catherine answered a little unsure to who had rang

'Hey Cat' Sara whispered feeling a little nervous

Catherine stopped walking, a smile breaking over her face 'Hi Sweetie, how are you getting on?'

Sara smiled too, her nerves lessening, glad she had picked up the phone 'It's been a good day… Dr put me on Lithium… so, Lithium, Prozac and Disulfiram make a good cocktail…normal service is slowly being resumed' Sara tried to joke, but Catherine just took a deep breath in and tried not to panic. Now she was worrying about Sara becoming addicted to the pills. When Catherine didn't answer Sara began to panic again 'Cat?' she whispered out

'I'm here… I… Sorry, I'm glad you're feeling ok Sar…Sar…Why the Lithium?' Catherine asked walking to the locker room for a little privacy

'Oh… I forget who knows and who doesn't… Bipolar disorder, you know… the extreme mood swings… Can we… Can we talk about something else please? I've been in such a good mood…'

'Sure Sweetie, of course' Catherine said as cheerfully as she could

'Hey, have you heard about nail soup?' came Sara's excited voice

'Yeah… magical stuff isn't it, Grams used to make it all the time, though I haven't. So I'm guessing bachelor Jim cooked, that's something I almost can't believe… no food poisoning?' Catherine joked, and was happy when she heard Sara laughing heartily

'No…No…No food poisoning' she got out between laughs

'Good, I would hate to have to hurt him if he made you sick sweetie!' Catherine chuckled

'Keep your hands off of my Dad!' Sara managed to get out, and was met by silence

Catherine was truly at a loss for words.

'Cat… are you there?' Sara asked after a long silence

'Yeah sweetie…Yeah, I'm here… just, processing… I always knew the two of you had a weird relationship, I was just wrong about how weird it was…I… I thought perhaps you were interested romantically, like you seemed to be with Grissom… I… I'm glad I don't have to compete with him' she confessed.

'Never' Sara said with confidence

'Can I come over?' Catherine asked, a little unsure

'Always… you don't need to ask Catherine…'

'I don't want to crowd you Sara… I know how vulnerable you're feeling…'

'You won't crowd me, promise, but you can come over and cuddle with me?' Sara said with confidence, and smile on her face.

'Sure… but please, kick Pops out first' Catherine said her voice flirtatious 'I'll be over in…' she looked at her watch 'Urggg… 4 hours… if I don't finish at least half of the shift I'll be written up…'

Sara groaned in frustration, but understood 'I'll be waiting' and with that she hung up.

Throughout the conversation Brass had tried to keep himself busy, not wanting to eavesdrop. He had heard a little of the conversation on Sara's side, but none of Catherine's responses.

'So, when's the lovebird coming over?' he asked handing Sara over a cup of green tea.

'About 4 hours, she needs to finish up some stuff at work…'

'Well, that gives you time to drink your tea and then sleep for a little while'

Sara took a sip of the tea, holding the mug close 'Good idea…' she blinked a few times 'But we need to go to the supermarket soon….' She blinked a little more

'Don't worry about it, I can go when Catherine's here, and swing by my apartment and get a few more things'

Sara nodded sleepily and almost spilt her tea. Reaching over Jim took the mug from her, and took her arm 'Come on… to the bedroom you go…'

Sara was too tired to even protest being walking to her bed.

'Think you've got the energy to get into something more comfortable?' he asked as he pulled back to covers so she could sit down.

'Yeah… Yeah, I'll be ok Brass… Dad…' she said yawning, pulling her jumper off. Brass turned his head so she had a little more privacy, and waited until she was under the covers. He walked out of the room, and turned off the light. He was about to turn around to say good night, but Sara was already asleep.

Whilst Sara was sleeping Brass busied himself cleaning the rest of the kitchen, including the fridge. He was tempted to throw the beer out, but decided to leave it where it was. It would be up to Sara to get rid of it, in her own time. Next he busied himself making a shopping list, and at last settled on to the sofa, hoping for about an hours sleep before Catherine would arrive.

All too soon there came a knocking at the door. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Jim stood up and went to answer it.

'Hey Catherine' he asked yawning a little

'Hey Brass… Sorry, did I wake you?'

Brass just nodded, and walked back to the sofa

'How is she?' she asked closing the door behind her.

'Sleeping…I don't think we should wake her up just yet'

Catherine frowned a little, but she understood 'What if I promise not to wake her up?' she said after a moment's thought.

Brass just chuckled 'Knock yourself out… I'm going to the supermarket' wiping at his eyes once more, he stood up, and barely waiting a breath Catherine made her way towards Sara's bedroom.

She stood in the door way for a moment just watching Sara sleep, and then she slipped her shoes of, removed her trousers and top, and slipped into the bed next to Sara.

Sara rolled over in her sleep, vaguely aware of the bed dipping under Catherine's weight, she smiled a little and pulled Catherine into her arms and quickly fall asleep again.

Catherine ran her fingers through Sara's hair. There was so much she wanted to talk about with Sara, so much they needed to discuss, and she was also trying to resist the urge to start kissing the beautiful woman in her arms. It would all have to wait. Catherine smiled contently, knowing there was no rush for any of it, and after 10 minutes, she too fall asleep.

Sara wasn't sure how long she had been asleep, but she was aware of 3 things. She needed the bathroom, she had a headache, and there was a warmth around her, arms holding her close. Catherine. She vaguely remembered Catherine joining her in the bed, and she couldn't help but smile. She didn't want to move, but she had too. The pressure in her bladder was getting too much. Slowly she slipped out of the bed, not wanting to disturb the woman next to her, and made her way to the bathroom. At the last minute she remembered to grab her dressing gown, unsure if Jim would be in the next room or not.

After using the bathroom, she headed into the kitchen to grab some water. She noticed that her fridge had been cleaned and restocked, but Jim wasn't there. There was however a note.

''_Plenty of food for later, hope you slept well, didn't want to disturb either of you. Gone to PD for a few hours. Call me before Catherine leaves, Brass''_

Sara smiled, and read the note over and over again. Sara took two Tylenol and opened a jar of peanut butter, eating straight from the jar. She realised Jim must have paid for all of the shopping, and she felt a little guilty. She wondered how much he had spent. Then she began to wondering how much money she had spent in the past year on Alcohol, Night clubs, Taxis and Clinic visits. A lot she imagined, knowing how in the past few months she had worked more and more overtime to earn enough money to not fall in to debt because of her bad habits. She was suddenly angry at herself for allowing herself to fall into such a mess.

She didn't realise it, but her prescriptions were beginning to wear off, and she was due another dose.

Torn between going back to bed and hiding in Catherine's arms, or pulling out every receipt she could find, Sara flipped a coin. The coin decided that she should look at her finances, and so she did.

Soon Sara was surrounded by stacks and stacks of paper. Bank statements, Credit Card statements, receipts. She tried to place them in order, highlighting different transactions. So far she had gone back 3 months, and the figures were disturbing to her.

On Alcohol alone she had spent close to $700… in that time she had earned just under $5000. That worked out at about a 7th of her earnings. It was more than she'd spent on food. Much more. It made her feel awful. Tears started to stream down her face.

Sara walked into the kitchen, opened the fridge, and pulled out a bottle of beer.

Xxx

Catherine rolled over, her hand reaching across the bed, wanting to pull Sara closer. She half registered the bed was empty, and then noticed the bed was cold, and she woke up fully, and began to panic. Sitting up, she wiped her eyes, and listened carefully, thinking perhaps Sara was just in the bathroom, or perhaps in the living room with Jim. The next thing she heard however, was a loud crash coming from the kitchen. Something, or someone, had fallen. Leaping out of bed she ran to the kitchen 'Sara?' she called out as she went.

'Oh God!' Catherine screamed, momentarily frozen on the spot 'Oh Sara… what did you do, what did you do…'

Sara was on the floor, surrounded by empty beer bottles, lying in a small puddle of vomit. One of the bottles had smashed, and there was a small cut on Sara's arm that was bleeding.

Catherine rushed to her side, concern fighting with the anger in her. If only, if only, she kept thinking. If she'd been awake none of this would have happened. She pulled out her phone, wanting to dial 911, but then Sara began to stir.

Catherine fall to her knees as Sara rolled over, moaning.

'Why Sara?' Catherine choked out 'Why?'

Sara just moaned again, closing her eyes against the harsh light of the room.

'What happened?' she choked out, rubbing at her head

'Don't give me that shit Sidle!' Catherine screamed, her concern quickly evaporating at Sara's stupidity, and now her lying 'Look around you!'

Sara just groaned 'I didn't… I swear I didn't…'

'Don't lie to me Sara! You're lying in your own vomit, again, surrounded by empty bottles, you expect me to believe you haven't just binged?'

'Yes' Sara choked out, shaking with tears 'I haven't touched a drop since you took me to the hospital Cat'

'Don't call me that!' Catherine screamed, her own tears falling down her face as she moved to lean against the kitchen cabinets.

Sara moved so she was also sat against the cupboards. 'Please let me explain…'

Catherine didn't respond, so Sara pressed on.

'I woke up, and saw that Brass had gone food shopping… the next thing I find myself wondering just how much money I've wasted this past year… I got 3 months back; I'm already at $700. I was angry… embarrassed… I went into the kitchen to throw it all out. I swear to you, I didn't drink it. It all went down to drain, all of it. Then I had another wave of morning sickness… the smell of the beer made it worse. I got dizzy, retched… then the last bottle slipped from my hand, smashed on the floor, and I was sick… I must have cut my arm on the glass as I fall… the trace amount of alcohol on the glass, mixed with the Disulfiram caused me to be sick again…I swear on my life… On my Baby's life, I didn't drink Cat… Please… Please believe me…'

She was met with silence.

'If you don't believe me, take a blood sample…' she whispered, holding out her arm.

'Oh Sara…' Catherine choked out, now angrier at her reaction and for jumping to conclusions. 'I'm sorry Sara… I'm so sorry… I should have known you would never… I'm sorry…'

Catherine inched her way over to Sara, and pulled the woman into her arms.

They both sat in silence, the tears falling quietly.

'Forgive me?' Sara asked at last

'For what?' Catherine murmured, her lips pressing a kiss into Sara's hair

'For not waking you up… for missing my medicine… I…I think that's why I did what I did…I wasn't thinking straight… I didn't even think about taking my prescriptions…It just never occurred to me, it's all still so new…'

'It's ok Sweetie… really, it's ok… forgive me'

'For what?' Sara echoed.

'For not waking up when you did, for not being there to remind you to take your medicine, for not believing you…'

Sara snuggled into Catherine's arms a little more

'I forgive you'

'Thank you'

Sara sighed, her hand trailing lightly on Catherine's hip

'What's up Sara?'

'I…I kinda, really, want to kiss you right now…but I feel gross, and I've been sick…'

Catherine just smiled, and pulled away from Sara 'Have you heard about this invention, it's called a toothbrush' Catherine stood up, and held her hand out to Sara 'Come on, let's get you cleaned up, dosed up, and then we can sit and watch a movie or something, who knows, perhaps I'll even let you kiss me and touch me up!'

Sara giggled at this, and quickly jumped up, heading to the bathroom.

Xxx

A/n I know that wasn't the happiest of Chapters, but I've been wanting to write that scene for a while now, and now seemed the right time to do so. It did get a nice ending though! But for now, bed calls! More tomorrow , emz .


	30. Steamy

Sara giggled all the way to the bathroom, and was struggling to stop her laughter as she brushed her teeth. Catherine stood in the door way watching, a smile on her face. She shivered a little when she realised she was only in her underwear

'Sara?' she questioned

'Yeah?' Sara mumbled whilst trying to gargle mouthwash.

'When's Jim coming back?'

'Oh…' she finished brushing her teeth and turned around with a smile on her face 'Not sure really… when I ask him too I guess. Strictly speaking the Drs don't want me left alone for any amount of time, and Dad's been approved to be my 'main carer'' Sara said, adding air quotations to the last bit of her sentence 'But, he knows you're here with me, so, I guess, when you leave, he'll come back…why?' she looked at Catherine, whose face was just growing more and more confused.

Catherine tried to formulate a sentence, and after a few false starts she stammered out 'I was gonna ask if you were up for sharing a shower… save water, and all that…but now I'm confused to why you keep calling Brass, Dad, we are talking about the same person, right?'

Sara couldn't help but smirk 'Ok, let me answer the last bit first… because he is. We are going to do an adult adoption… my family weren't a family. Jim wants to be my family, and I want him to be mine. It's one of the few things I'm sure about, and it just kinda seems… natural… to call him Dad, outside of work, even if this only came about since getting home…'

Catherine could only smile, Sara's face really lit up when talking about Jim, and she felt happy that at last Sara seemed to be finding some care and stability in her life.

'What else…What else are you sure of?' Catherine questioned, her voice a little timid, as she looked at the floor.

Sara walked over to Catherine, and placed her hands on her hips 'I'm sure I want to share a shower with my favourite blonde…' her voice was husky, her fingers playing gently across Catherine's skin. She placed a brief kiss on Catherine's shoulder 'I'm sure that with the right help, I can face all these demons…' she placed a kiss on the other shoulder 'And I'm sure you're beautiful' Sara bought her lips to Catherine's, and pulled her closer. There was so much more she wanted to say, about her feelings for Catherine, about her emotions, but now wasn't the time.

It could wait. Right now, she really wanted to get in the shower.

Catherine immediately responded to the kiss, wrapping her arms around Sara's neck, she pulled her even closer. Tongue darting out she sought further entrance, and it was granted without hesitance. Sara bought her leg up and pressed into Catherine's core, whilst pushing her up against the wall, the grip on her waist tightening. After a minute she pulled away and turned the shower on, and then slowly removed her dressing gown and her underwear. Teasing.

Just the sight of this was making Catherine breathless, and the dull ache in the bottom of her stomach started to throb with desire. She took in the sight of Sara's naked body, the long legs, and the slight bump now forming. Her eyes glazed over the scars, and were drawn to the piercing. Catherine's want was only growing. Quickly she shed her own clothes, and then crossed the room, pulling Sara with her and into the shower. The water was still a little cold, but neither of them cared right now. The heat from their bodies more than made up for it. Catherine's lips found Sara's neck, whilst Sara's hands played in the blonde's hair. Catherine began to trail kisses down Sara's body, and Sara found herself having to hold on to the shower rail. The water was now a little warmer and was cascading over Sara, only helping to add to the desires within both women.

Catherine kneelt before Sara, and almost without warning she bought her hand up, and then placed 2 fingers inside Sara, forgoing any serious foreplay. Her mouth placed kisses across Sara's abdomen, her other hand holding the woman close. She kissed lower and lower, and pulled Sara's leg over her shoulder, as she sunk further back on her legs so she could reach Sara's core with her mouth. Sara was now gripping on to the bar with both hands to steady herself, not wanting to fall. She bucked wildly as Catherine's tongue ran over her sensitive clit a few times, and a third finger was added.

'Fuck!' Sara screamed out, her body tense. Catherine's head lowered further still, and she started to kiss, lick and caress Sara. All the while Sara tried to find the words, but all that would come was some half-hearted swear words, as Sara bucked over and over again into Catherine's hand and eager mouth. Soon Catherine felt Sara clamp around her fingers, as her body shook with the intensity of the orgasm she had just had. Catherine slowed her fingers, but didn't remove them just yet. Lifting her head, she began to once again place kisses over Sara's abdomen. Sara moved one hand from the bar, and tangled her hand in Catherine's hair, and then pulled her up. She wrapped her arms around the woman before her, still a little shaky, and then spun them around so Catherine was stood more directly under the flowing water. Reaching out, Sara grabbed the shampoo, and then began to wash Catherine's hair. It was sensual, caring, and made both women feel happy. After they were both clean, having helped each other wash, they stood kissing under the water until it started to run cold.

'Best shower ever!' Sara exclaimed, pulling the towel around her body

'Agreed!' Called Catherine 'Though I don't think we saved much water after all' she called over her shoulder as she walked out of the bathroom.

Xxx

Brass sat in his office, looking up the different forms and documentation they would need to fill out. He heard a knock at the door, and quickly closed the window of the computer

'Yeah' he called out

Grissom walked into the office, and without invitation he sat down. He held out a bottle of whisky 'Shall we?' he questioned.

Brass just grinned, and pulled two glasses out of a drawer on his desk.

'What's the occasion?' he asked after a few minutes of silence

'Oh… I'm just wondering where I went so wrong with it all, with the lab… with Sara…' Grissom said before taking another sip of the whiskey.

'I think we all are buddy… I think we all are' Brass placed his glass down on his desk.

'Have you seen her?' Grissom asked, he'd heard a rumour, but he wasn't sure how true it was.

'Yep' Brass tilted his head 'I take it you haven't?'

Grissom shook his head 'No… Not since I told her she didn't need to work her shift as she'd already worked for Ecklie… I tried to see her in the hospital, but she wasn't accepting visitors, or even phone calls. Not even my badge got me in'

Brass gave him a half smile 'My badge didn't get me in either, only Ecklie managed to pull that one off…'

'She saw Catherine though?' Gil half questioned, half stated, already knowing the answer.

'Yes. Catherine is the one who took her in…and yes, Nick saw her in the hotel… and Greg spoke to her on the phone during that time, but with the boys, she had no choice. In the hospital, she did, and she did what she thought was best at the time. Hell, she even kicked Catherine out for a few days.'

Grissom nodded in understanding 'How's she doing?'

'Better… she's getting the help she needs, and she's talking to someone about her…issues…'

Grissom nodded again 'I can't help but feel guilty…if only I'd done more…took more interest…'

'I'm gonna stop you there, look Grissom, it happened, none of us can change it now, it's already done, we just need to be there for her from now on'

Grissom sighed, but nodded his head 'She's home now though? Right?' He took another sip of whisky

'Yeah, she's home, and under my care. I've moved in with her for…well, however long it takes. Doctors condition of letting her leave… she needs someone around her most of the time…'

'So why are you here?' Grissom cut in

'Catherine's with her' Brass stated, not seeing the problem with it.

'Catherine?'

'Yes, Catherine Willows, your CSI'

Grissom just frowned at him 'But they're not even friends…'

Brass just smirked at this, and picked up his glass again. 'They're getting on just fine, now'

Xxx

Sara settled further into the sofa, mouthing along to the movie they were watching – The Princess Bride. Catherine turned to look at her, and caught sight of the bottles in the kitchen.

'Sar… want me to clean up the kitchen?' she offered.

Sara paused the movie and turned to look at the mess 'Oh… no, it's ok, you've cleaned up my sick enough to last a life time. I'll do it now…' Sara stood up, and started to clean up the empty bottles.

'Are you ok Sweetie?' Catherine asked, having moved to lean in the door way

'Yeah… Yeah, I'm ok… just tired… hungry actually… I guess it's been a while since I've eaten…what about you?'

Catherine tried to keep a straight face 'I'm good, I ate in the bathroom'

Sara was stunned for a moment, but then a laugh escaped her. Soon both women were laughing, and Catherine had walked further into the room to help clean up.

'So, seriously, what do you want to eat before I fall asleep?' Sara asked

'Oh… I don't know…' Catherine looked at her watch 'Shit…'

'What?' Sara asked

'It's 6.30, Lindsey starts school at 8, I said I'd be there to take her and make her breakfast… shit… I'm sorry Sara, I have to go… shit…' Catherine dropped the cloth in her hand, and frantically started looking for the rest of her clothes and her handbag 'I'm sorry Sara… you understand, right?'

Sara just nodded 'Of course, Lindsey is the most important person in your world. Go now, call me later…' Sara said opening the door.

'Thanks…' Catherine quickly kissed Sara's cheek and walked out the door. Just as Sara was about to close it, Catherine called out

'Sara… you know you're in the top 5 right… perhaps even the top 2…'

Sara could only smile and nod, and she quietly closed the door.

As soon as the door was closed however, the tears started to flow.

Xxx

'Brass' Jim mumbled into his phone

'Please come home' Sara whispered. Catherine had left barely a minute ago, and already Sara was finding it hard to cope. Normally she was a very solidary person, but since that fateful morning in the hotel, she hadn't been alone.

In the hospital she knew there were people just outside of her room, in the corridors, at the nurses' station. That nothing bad could really happen whilst she was there. When she had first woken up, she knew Catherine was just in the other room in her bed. But now, for the first time in about 2 weeks, she was alone. She was finding it unbelievably difficult, and hoped that Jim would be there soon.

'Sure, when's Catherine leaving?' Jim asked, standing up from his desk, picking up a pile of papers.

'She already left…'

Brass took a deep breath, willing himself not to get angry.

'Ok Sara, think you'll be ok for 15 minutes?'

'Ok' Sara mumbled before hanging up the phone. She dragged herself over to the sofa, and lay down, curling her legs up.

Brass had never driven so fast for a non-work related reason before, and reached Sara's apartment in 7 minutes, another 2 minutes had him out of the car, up the stairs, and opening the door

'Sara…' he called out

'Over here' came Sara's quiet voice from the sofa.

Brass was by her side in an instance 'What happened?' he asked, crouching down next to her.

'Catherine… Lindsey…School…' Sara choked up, the tears stopping her from making a complete sentence.

Brass nodded in understanding 'You get scared?' he guessed, thinking back himself about how Sara had had constant company since the whole ordeal started.

She just nodded 'Sorry'

'It's ok, it's ok…' he rubbed her arm tenderly 'It's a big step, your own home after so long, and suddenly being alone… how long ago did she leave?'

Sara buried her head into the sofa, now feeling embarrassed and stupid 'Not even a minute before I rang… but a minute is all it takes…'

'It's ok, I'm here now, and nothing bad happened'

Sara remained quiet

'Are you up to date with your meds?' he asked, rubbing her arm soothingly

'Yeah… now… I wasn't earlier…'

'That's ok, it's all new, and there's no nurse to remind you…'

Sara wiped away her tears

'So, what did you two do today?' Brass asked, moving so he was sat on the sofa. Sara moved so she was also sat up, and looked over to the far wall.

'We slept… I don't know for how long… when I woke up, I went through my finances… Catherine was still in bed… God, my finances are so depressing.' Sara wiped at her face again.

'When she woke up, we had a fight…'

Brass tilted his head, and ran a hand through the little hair he had 'Why?' he questioned

'I was passed out in the kitchen… surrounded by empty beer bottles…' Sara held her hand up to stop him from interrupting 'I put it all down the sink, the fumes got to me. I didn't drink it. She didn't realise, at first… we talked it out… made up…' Sara grinned a little

'Do I want to know how?' Brass asked.

Sara just giggled again 'Nope'

'And sometime later, she left, and you panicked, why?' Brass asked

'I don't know… I just, shut the door, and the tears came… I think I was scared of being alone… but I'm still scared that every time I see Catherine, it will be the last time that I see Catherine…'

'You really care for her, don't you?'

'Yes… I really do… I wouldn't be here, now, without her. Take that however you want… I think…no, I know, I love her… I really really love her… I'm scared she'll leave me, or get bored of me… I'm asking a lot of her…' Sara gently rubbed her hand over her stomach.

'Do you accept Lindsey?' Brass questioned

'Yes' Sara replied without hesitation

'Do you think I accept my imminent role as Granddad?' he asked

'Yes' Sara replied, again without hesitation

'Good, so don't question what you've got going on with Catherine. Yes, it's early days, yes; all of it could change, tomorrow, next week, next year. You should know that better than anyone Sara, but you should also know, that right here, right now, Catherine cares for you. She just might have a harder time putting a label on it. Want some fatherly advice?'

Sara just nodded, her eyes wide at Jim's words.

'Labels are only good when it comes to doing the laundry, but even then, they can safely be ignored a lot of the time… do you understand what I'm saying?'

'Yes' Sara said, a genuine smile on her face.

Xxx

Another chapter I was awake most of the night thinking about this story… the next chapter will be another session with Sylvia…


	31. Luck, Lies and Deceit

Sara started awake when the phone rang, but she reached over for it, and rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she answered 'Sidle'

'Hey Sara, it's Grissom'

'Oh, hey…'

'I was just wondering how you were?'

Sara rolled over to look at the clock 'Griss, it's 3 am, I was sleeping…'

'Oh… I'm sorry, I should have realised…'

'It's ok Griss… really…' Sara sat up in bed, and rubbed at her eyes again 'It's not your fault that my reputation for staying up for 3 straight days is crumbling… I've slept more the past few days then the past month or so… How's the lab?' she asked.

'Ok, everyone's missing you… most people know somewhat of what happened… it's quiet without you here, but it's also very busy, rebalancing the work load…'

Sara cut him off 'I'm sorry my illness and suspension has meant everyone else has had to stop slacking!' she was close to slamming the phone down

'Sara… Sara…' Grissom tried to cut in

'What!' she snapped

'I didn't mean it like that, I just meant that we look forward to having you back… we all care about you. I care about you.'

Sara sighed, running her hand through her hair. There was so much she could say to that.

'I know… I miss you all too… I um… I have another session in the morning; I need to get back to sleep…'

'Of course, good night Sara…'

'Night…' Just as Sara was about to hang up, she changed her mind 'Grissom…' she called out, hoping he was still on the line

'Yeah?' came his soft reply

'I'm still on suspension for 8 days, but perhaps you could clear it with Ecklie that I could come in tomorrow at beginning of shift… not to work, but, just to say hi… if you can…'

'Of course…' Grissom paused for a moment 'Sara I…I hope all goes well tomorrow…'

'Thanks… night Griss…'

'Night' with that, they both hung up. Sara slumped back down into the bed, hoping for a few more hours sleep. Before she could get too comfy though, her bladder had her up. She sighed, knowing it would only get worse as the pregnancy progressed.

Xxx

A light knocking came at the door, and Sara was once again startled awake 'Sara…' Brass called 'You need to get up, your appointments in a couple of hours, and you said you'd ring Catherine before you went…'

Sara groaned, and hid her head under the pillow, trying to ignore him. A few minutes later, another knock came, and this time Jim walked into the room 'Come on sleepy head, I bring tea!'

Sara groaned, but sat up, taking the offered cup 'I miss coffee!'

'I know, but too much coffee isn't good for the baby'

'Yeah… I know… it survived all that booze though… I think… I hope, I've got one tough baby in here…' Sara smiled, rubbing her belly affectionately.

'If baby is anything like mother, I'm sure it's doing great'

Sara took a sip of her tea, but said nothing.

'Come on… out of bed…'

Sara reluctantly agreed, and finishing the last of her tea, she handed the cup back to Brass and got out of the bed

'Alright alright, I'm up'

Xxxx

Sara had spoken to Catherine 3 times since she'd had to leave to get Lindsey to school. The first conversation had been a little awkward, as Sara still felt embarrassed about her reaction to being left, despite Jim's reassurances. The second conversation had been much better, as Catherine had filled her in on her afternoon with Lindsey, and the third conversation had Sara explaining the late night call from Grissom, and her plans to come in later to see everyone. Catherine had wished her luck with the session, with a promise to be there if needed as soon as it was over. She had even offered to go with her, but Sara wasn't quite ready for that just yet. She knew what she wanted to talk about. What she needed to talk about.

Now Sara was sat in the hospital waiting room in the psychiatric unit, waiting for Sylvia to call her into her office. The seriousness of the sessions wasn't lost on Sara, but having gone from talking in a hospital bed, to talking in a more official setting made her feel very nervous.

Soon enough, Sylvia stepped out and called Sara over

'Hi Sara, how are we feeling today?'

'Ok thanks…' She tried to sound confident. She had allowed Brass to drive her to the hospital, but insisted she didn't need him to wait with her. She wouldn't be truly alone with the hospital staff milling about, and she had to get used to it eventually.

'Good… 'Sylvia frowned a little, Brass' absence not lost on her, and she wasn't too happy about

'Where's Captain Brass?' she asked as Sara sat down in a chair, her hands beginning to fiddle with the hem of her top

'Oh… he drove me here, but I assured him I would be ok whilst I waited… there were people around…' she looked at the floor, not wanting to see Sylvia's reaction.

'You know the conditions I gave…'

'I know…' Sara nodded, willing the tears not to flow 'But I haven't been alone, not even for a minute…I'm ok… really… I'm not going to do anything stupid… not now, not anymore…'

'Ok' Sylvia just nodded, and then pulled her notebook into her lap 'What do you want to talk about today? I have a suggestion for topics to cover if you don't have anything specific in mind…'

'No… No, I do, I have something I need to talk about… '

'Ok' Sylvia said no more, and waited for Sara to begin

'Luck, Lies and Deceit' Sara said at last, clenching and unclenching her hands

'I'm sorry?'

'Luck, Lies and Deceit' Sara repeated 'It's how I survived so long, after so many attempts on my own life…perhaps I should start at the beginning…'

Sylvia just nodded, but encouraged Sara to go on.

'The night that Rose died… I took one of my Foster family's scalpels… the son made little models… anyway, I took it… I lay Rose down in her crib… I knew I'd be arrested if they knew it was my fault… I tried to cover it up… then I sat in the chair, and sliced my belly open…' Sara wiped away a tear, and tried to compose herself.

'I don't know how long I was there… a few hours maybe… I hadn't cut as deeply or as badly as I thought I had… the blood clotted quickly… my Foster Mum found me and Rose…she knew instantly she was dead… she roused me, cleaned me up… she used to do nursing before she broke her leg and found she couldn't manage the work anymore… then she took me to a facility… I never went back to that home' Sara got up and started to pace the room, tugging at the sleeves on her top. 'I was there a couple of weeks, had therapy… it worked. I was placed in a second home. All was well, until the first anniversary… I fall apart when some girl a few years above me in school announced she was pregnant… I lost it… went back home, found a scalpel… the family there had an antique set passed down from their great granddad or something… I did what I'd done a year before… only this time, no one found me… but it didn't matter, because, as you can see, I survived it. I cleaned up, told no one. The next year, another home… they caught me, kicked me out… no facility this time… the streets… each year I'd find myself somewhere new, surrounded by different people. Sometimes I was found, sometimes I wasn't. No one questioned the other scars. Mostly I was told to grow up, that I needed help, but no one gave it to me. I finally got help when I was 18. But, once again, I faked my way through it all…'

'Why?' Sylvia asked, speaking up for the first time

'I don't know really… seemed like a good idea, at the time. I was able to pass off the older scars as self-harming and not the suicide attempts they really were… I did clean up my act, worked hard at school, college…wanting to keep up appearances… after a while, even I started to believe I was ok… just before my 19th Birthday, a friend of mine died in a car accident… it set me off again… the next time I was…found… I was 23… it was the worst attempt yet, I'd slowly been learning how to… perfect it… it really was touch and go. It was also the first year I'd combined cutting with alcohol… and pills… sleeping pills… I was so fed up of getting it wrong, of failing at dying… I had to drop out of University because of it, which now, I regret, which is stupid, because back then it wouldn't have mattered, if I had died. I spent 3 months in a facility. But, once again, I just manipulated my recovery… lied my way through sessions… The next couple of years weren't as bad. I didn't use all 3 methods… normally just the booze… It was always a scalpel though… some I found, some I bought. Some I bought months in advance. A couple of times through the years, I thought about not doing it… I had good friends, or a good job… that kinda thing, but by then, it was tradition… it wasn't until my 27th birthday that the cycle was broken… what a case… all that money, all that counting… I swear, sometimes when I close my eyes I can still see the serial numbers… On my 28th Birthday, for the first time in forever, I was happy to be alive. I was happy to have survived. I still had low points, but I no longer wanted to end it all. I found other ways to combat the darkness. Work…Sex…Alcohol… I found Hank eventually… and well, then the lab got blown up, and I spiralled again. Then I truly found Work, Sex and Alcohol. Then the scalpel slipped back into my life… I'd been going through some old evidence… found an antique scalpel that we thought was used in a crime, but wasn't… it wasn't returned though, as the owner had killed a load of people… of course, this happened on what would have been my due date… and so, I saw it as a sign… the next day, as soon as I could, I bought a scalpel.'

Sara slumped back into the chair, and wiped angrily at her tears, fidgeting and restless.

Sylvia allowed the silence, sensing there was more that Sara needed to say

'This time it wasn't about death' Sara said at last 'It was about suffering… punishment… things spiralled…. It's how I ended up here. I've never told anyone that before… not the whole story…'

Sylvia once again sat in silence. She knew Sara had no more to say on the matter, that it had taken a lot out of her, and now she was trying to formulate the best response. That confession had helped open up a dialogue, but Sylvia didn't know in which direction to take it first. Eventually she decided to tackle the issues head on

'Do you still have that scalpel, or anything else sharp you may be tempted to use?'

'Yes'

'And, are you tempted?'

Sara didn't reply.

'Sara, I can't help if you don't talk to me, and if you don't talk to me you lose your job, if you continue to not talk to me, you lose your baby'

Sara began to shake and cry 'Please don't… Please don't…'

'I don't want to Sara, but unless you talk to me, really talk to me, that's just how things are going to work out…do you want that?'

'No…' Sara choked out 'No… Yes, I'm tempted, but I won't… I haven't…I've been sober all this time, and I haven't cut for nearly 3 weeks anyway…I swear…the cutting has always been easier to avoid than the drinking…historically I've been all the way or nothing… please believe me…'

Sylvia just sighed, and set her notebook down, and leaned forward, voice softening 'How many suspects, criminals, bad guys, have you interrogated over the years Sara?'

Sara paused, confused, but thinking. If she was being asked the question, it was obviously of some importance. 'Oh.. I don't know… 'Sara paused, making a quick calculation '3744 interrogations and interviews over the past 8 years… why…'

Sylvia paused, slightly side-tracked 'How… How can you reach such a… specific… number…?'

'Easy, numbers are what I'm good at. They don't lie, they follow logic, and I have a good memory for cases… of the 3744, 1634 were found guilty, but only 1285 were convicted… of those 983 are still in prison, 161 completed their sentences, 40 had their sentence over turned, 73 either died or were killed in prison, and the remaining 28 committed suicide.. of course, I've actually worked 4581 cases in my… 8 years, 6 months, 3 weeks, 2 days and… 13 hours of being a CSI… but not every case needs an interrogation , or if they did, I wasn't a part of that process… would you like the figures on those cases… or the figures on my time at the coroner's office?' Sara said, a spark of excitement in her eyes. She loved to talk about numbers. It was something that calmed her. They just made sense.'

'I uh…' Sylvia was truly at a loss for words for the first time in her career, and had lost the point she had been trying to make in the first place.

'I believe you were going to ask me how avoiding cutting was easier, when, as admitted, I'd try to go all the way before, and never cut myself in the interims… that I must be used to people lying to me and the team, to cover up evidence, motives etc, and that perhaps I was lying to you now… after all, I've admitted to lying in the past… am I right?'

Sylvia could only nod

'I haven't cut in 3 weeks.. I can be more specific, if you like… Yes, I'm still depressed, that won't go away any time soon… No, I didn't know I was pregnant, Yes, I'm terrified, and ashamed, and everything in between, but no, I would never willingly or actively do anything to harm the life inside of me. I'm still trying to get used to this third chance, and I feel awful that I didn't even realise I was pregnant… that perhaps I never would have realised if it hadn't shown up in my blood work, but I won't do anything to endanger this. Am I tempted? Is a Diabetic tempted by the candyfloss? Always. Do they give in? Sometimes, maybe. But me, never, not whilst I'm pregnant.'

As Sara was speaking she had gotten louder and louder, but at her last statement, she had once again gone quiet, and it had come out close to a whisper. She sat staring at the floor.

'Thank you for your honesty Sara. I think this has answered a lot of questions, and given me a lot of insights… I just have a few more questions though, before we can call it a day… '

Sara just nodded, once again fiddling with her sleeves

'You said 'whilst I'm pregnant', are you already thinking of the opportunity that will come in a few months?'

Sara shook her head adamantly 'No, No… I don't want to think like that anymore… I truly want to get better… I have support now, the medicines are helping…'

'Ok… are you still seeing Catherine?'

'Yes… but I'm trying not to rely on her so much. We've spent some time apart. It's doing me good'

'Ok, who are you spending your time with then?'

'Captain Brass. He's only not been there if Catherine has been… later I'd like to see everyone from work… see them before I start work again…'

'I don't think that's such a good idea Sara, it could be… overwhelming…' Sylvia leant back in her chair.

'I know… but if I don't do it now, I might never have the courage, and I'd rather do it before I have to go back to work… get all the awkwardness out of the way sooner rather than later.' Sara tried to smile

'Ok. Does anyone know about your relationship with Catherine?'

'Nick… and Brass… I'm not sure about anyone else… Lindsey might know, I'm not sure, that's Catherine's daughter.'

'Ok Sara… well, I think we best leave it here for now, but I'd like to set up another appointment. Would tomorrow afternoon be ok?'

'Yes… that's fine… Thank you…'

'Just before you go, I want to check your weight etc… are you eating?'

'A little… Still get morning sickness at all hours of the day… you know, it's odd, I'd been sick a few times before finding out, but I just put it down to being over tired and drinking too much. Now, looking back, it seems so obvious what was making me sick… also, it seems now I know all of the Pregnancy symptoms have hit me at once…'

Sylvia smiled a little as she weighed Sara 'Hmmm… You're still a little underweight Sara, especially for this stage in your pregnancy…why don't you try some protein shakes?'

'Ok'

'I just want to take some bloods, save you having to make a separate appointment. I'll also schedule another ultrasound for you. You were told this was a high risk pregnancy and would benefit from constant monitoring… It's not normally my department, but I'd like to keep this as easy as possible for you. I'll be one of your main contacts and doctors here at the hospital, along with Dr Eloise Whitaker and Dylan…'

'Ok… thank you…'

'Would you like the ultrasound before or after our session tomorrow Sara?'

'After, please, It will give me something to look forward too…'

'Ok…' Sylvia typed a few things into her computer 'So, can you make it to a session for 4pm, and the Ultrasound for 5.30pm?'

'Yes… Thank you…'

'You're welcome… I hope all goes well with your Colleagues later.'

They shook hands, and then Sara left, dialling Brasses number as she left.

Xxx

a/n – crikey, that was a little longer than I thought it would be… I know it was another heavy chapter, but… it was historical bad things, not current…

I've got the next 2/3 chapters lined up in my head itching to get out… won't be too long for updates.

Thanks for reading, Emz.


	32. Candy Floss

Sara stepped out of Sylvia's office, and started to ring Brass so that he could pick her up, but before she's even hit dial she heard a voice call out her name

'Sara'

She looked up surprised, and a little angry

'Grissom… what are you doing here?' she asked, fiddling with the phone in her hands

'Brass told… no, I made him tell me you were here… I.. I just wanted to see you before this evening, without everyone around…let me drive you home…?' he questioned, beginning to realise that perhaps this hadn't been a good idea.

Sara felt awkward, she'd just exposed some of her biggest secrets, and all she wanted to do was go home. 'I um… I'm not really… Brass was going to…' she trailed off, catching the look on Grissoms face 'Ok' she said, her voice quiet, and she walked towards the door hoping that Grissom would follow.

Grissom took a breath, and followed her out, quickly catching up to her; he gently took her elbow, and steered towards his car 'I'm parked over here…'

Sara just nodded, but didn't speak. Once they were both in the car, Grissom looked over to Sara, who was now staring down at her hands 'Are you ok Sara?' he asked turning in his seat slightly.

'Yeah…Fine…' came her automatic reply, she had relied on that sentence for years, and even now, knowing it was a lie, knowing that Grissom knew it was a lie, she couldn't bring herself to say anything different.

'Sara…'

'Really Griss, I'm fine…I will be fine…I'm just tired…'

Grissom just nodded in understanding, and then a smile crept over his face 'and here I thought your blood was actually coffee' he said with humour, wanting to lighten the mood. Sara couldn't help but let out a small snort of laughter at that.

'Ah, yes, liquid gold, coffee loaded with sugar… no wonder I never used to sleep'

'So suggesting we go for coffee right now would be a bad idea?'

Sara turned in her seat 'The worst… but seeming as you're already here, and my body is demanding food, you can take me out for breakfast… I'm seriously craving for candy floss right now… or pineapples… now that I think about…'

Grissom couldn't help but laugh at this 'So your saying we need to find a circus or an arcade, just so you can eat… you're not tempted by something a bit… easier… to find, such as something from the diner or deli near the lab?'

'Nope!' Sara declared, sitting more upright in the chair 'If you want to see me before this evening, you have to track down candy floss, or take me home' Sara challenged.

Not saying anything, Grissom started the car and drove off. After about 5 minutes he glanced over at Sara 'I'm sorry I declined dinner with you…'

Sara just shrugged and looked out the window. She didn't want to talk about it right now. She didn't want to talk about it ever.

Shortly after that Grissom pulled up outside a gaming arcade, quickly stepped out of the car, and walked around to open the door for Sara 'Breakfast awaits!' he said in a mock bow as she stepped out.

'Thank you Mr. Chauffeur' she said in a mock posh voice. She hooked her arm around Grissom's and they walked into the building. The noise and the lights from the various machines and arcade games were almost on a par of the biggest Casino in Vegas, except that here it was geared towards children and teenagers.

It was only after the candy floss was gone that either spoke again.

'Do you regret San Francisco?' Sara asked quietly, once again looking down at her hands

'At the time… no… now, no, perhaps in the middle I did…'

Sara nodded, half understanding

'Do you?' he questioned back.

'I used to wonder how things would be so different if I hadn't have left in the middle of the night… if I'd have waited until you woke up… but we can't change that now… I can't change that now…'

'I know' Grissom murmured, reaching out to take her hand 'I'm sorry it worked out like it did, but we can't change it…only move forward…I'm sorry I haven't been here for you Sara, that I didn't notice how much you were struggling… I could have done more. Should have done more' he entwined their fingers together and looked out into the middle distance.

A long silence stretched over them, both were feeling a little reflective.

'At least we had that night' Grissom said at last, bringing Sara's hand up with his, and kissing it.

'Griss…' Sara said her voice unsure, as she tried to pull her hand away.

'I know…I know I'm too late. Does she make you happy Sara?' he asked lowering their hands again, but not releasing it.

'How did you…'

'I didn't, I just put two and two together. I saw how her face lit up when you were talking on the phone earlier. How protective of you she was when… you know… the time she spend with you…of course, it wasn't until afterwards that I realised why suddenly you had both left the lab without a word… and you just confirmed it'

'Oh'

'So, does she?' he asked again

'Does she what?' Sara asked looking at him

'Does Catherine make you happy?'

Sara nodded; brow furrowed 'I don't think I really know what it means to be happy. I've always had something niggling at the back of my mind…a doubt, a fear, a compulsion… addiction… but yes, I think she will make me happy, and I hope I make her happy too. It's been a hard couple of weeks…year…life… but I love her. I really love her Grissom… '

Grissom said nothing, put he pulled Sara closer to him, and wrapped his arm around her. Both sat contently for a while.

'What am I going to do about work?' Sara asked at last.

'You need to do everything that Ecklie said… I can't override that' he said, has hand rubbing on her shoulder gently 'But after that, we'll see how it goes. I don't want you to feel overwhelmed, or overcrowded, neither do I want you to feel alone… either at work, or at home. Eventually you'll have to lessen your hours in the field… take extra care in certain labs, because of the chemicals… I'm going to do my best to not treat you any differently… It will be ok Sara…although it does mean more paperwork for me, and you know how I feel about that.'

Sara pulled away slightly 'Paperwork?' she questioned. She'd heard the rest, but this was a little confusing to her.

'Yeah… paperwork. 9 times out of 10 Catherine has ended up doing evaluations and stuff… if you are both now involved, she shouldn't get involved with it.'

Sara nodded in understanding 'Hey Gil…'

'Yeah?' he asked, not mad that she'd used his first name.

'We're gonna have to find someone other than Brass to do my paperwork too… he's officially/unofficially now my Dad… '

Grissom pulled her closer again and kissed the top of her head, but didn't say anything. He didn't need to. He already knew.

Xxx

'Hey Kiddo, how are you feeling?' Brass asked as Sara walked into the apartment

'I'm ok thanks… I spent some time with Grissom after my session, but you already knew that…'

'Yep, I did. Now, what do you fancy, tea or hot chocolate?'

'I suppose beer is out of the question?' Sara replied, a twinkle in her eyes, showing she had only meant it as a joke

'Sure, you can have a beer, just as soon as I've caught that flying pig that's been hovering around' Jim said flipping the kettle on

'Tea, please' Sara said, taking her jacket of and sitting on the sofa

'So, how'd it go with the Dr?'

'Oh, ok… it helped to finally admit some hard truths, and put things in order'

'Good… here' he handed her the tea mug

'And with Gil?' he questioned, taking a seat

'Well… we both finally acknowledged to each other that we'd slept together. It helped clear the air, the tension… he knows that I'm seeing Catherine now… 'Sara paused, as Brass began to choke on his drink

'You… you and…' he spluttered out

'Yes, Grissom and I had sex years ago, when he was in San Francisco, and I was a student. I skipped out before he woke up… there's always been a tension there, because of it. Until today we've never spoken about it. Try not to choke on the rest of your tea.' Sara said smiling brightly.

'I'll try not to… so, are you going in to see everyone later?'

'Yep… shift starts at 10 tonight, I'll go in just after 9. Catherine can take me, if you have to work… '

'No, it's ok, I'm actually on holiday right now. I don't go back, until you go back, and even then we'll see how that goes'

Sara placed her mug down, hands a little shaky 'You… you mean…'

'Yes, I mean I've put in for compassionate leave, and seeming as I'm fairly high up in the food chain of LVPD, no one wanted to question it, or stop it… they don't nessacarily know it's because of you, but they might guess, with time'

Sara just nodded, 'Thank you… I um… I have another session tomorrow, followed by an ultrasound… I'd like someone to be with me…'

'I think Catherine would love to be there for you, with you, at the ultrasound, but if you'd rather it was me, you just need to say. For now though, I think you should sleep a little before dinner and we go see the gang. Sound good?'

'Sounds perfect'

'What would you like me to cook?' Jim asked, standing from the sofa

'Oh..I don't know really… I either haven't an appetite, or I'm craving the most ridiculous of things. Griss and I had candy floss for breakfast… that reminds me, Sylvia says I should take protein shakes, reckons I'm a little underweight… I think I'm just fine, but it will help the baby, so I guess she's right… '

Brass couldn't help but chuckle 'Ok Miss crazy diet, too bed with you… I'll wake you up at 6.30 if you aren't already awake… now shove off, I want to watch the football'

'Yes sir!' Sara called, saluting, as she walked into her room.

Xx

a/n another little happy chapter… I know not a lot went on, but I wanted to update before having to go to work. Next chapter will be Sara going to the lab… then we'll see how this progresses…

mstonks, I've send you a private message…

Thanks for reading, emz


	33. Betting Men

Sara stepped in to the crime lab with a feeling of trepidation. She hadn't been there for so long it seemed, and now her whole world was different. Some of her secrets had been exposed, and she was anxious about the looks she feared she would get. It was going to be hard enough as it was. Sara had managed to convince Brass to let her go alone, it was only a 10 minute drive, she'd have to get used to being alone eventually. Her plan was to stay for about an hour, but it depended on the case load the rest of the team had and if they had the time to chat.

She hadn't told Nick, Warrick or Greg she was coming in. She was afraid it would make it seem too formal. They probably already knew however.

Walking down the corridor she automatically walked towards the locker room. She wanted to grab a few things out of there, and then she headed to the break room, bag in hand.

She was both relieved and disappointed that none of the lab workers called out to her as she passed, walking down the corridor.

She was both relieved and disappointed that the room was empty, except for one worker from Days who she'd never really spoken too. Without thought she made a cup of coffee, and smiled when it registered it was Greg's blue Hawaiian. He must be in the lab somewhere. She thought of the baby, and hoped just one cup of coffee would be ok. She took her usual seat at the end of the table, pulled a forensics journal to her, and started to read through. Soon Sara was lost in an article about the DNA of pollen and how it could be used to identify where people had been. Sara was so engrossed and intrigued by the article, she didn't notice as two people walked into the room. Or that they were chatting amongst themselves.

She was aware however when a steaming mug was placed in front of her

'So, Warrick and I have a bet going on again Sara…' Nick said casually, taking a seat

At first Sara was a bit confused to his greeting, the atmosphere. She'd expected it all to be a lot more awkward, especially with Nick. Then she felt grateful. They were going to make it as easy as possible for her.

The questions, concerns, worries, could wait.

'Yeah?' Sara asked smirking, raising the mug in salute and taking a sip of the tea

'Yeah' Warrick replied 'He thinks he can get the number off the new girl at the Deli, I think he has no chance, whilst he thinks I won't be able to get the number from the new person at the Diner… Looser has to do the others paperwork for a week'

'Oh yeah' Sara asked smiling 'So, what are their names, and whose mediating this umpteenth bet between you?'

'Julia and Dani' Nick said gesturing between the two 'And you can, if you like, mediate.'

Sara nodded in agreement 'So, tell me more about Julia?' Sara asked

'Oh, well she has long blonde hair, nice smile, good banter. She's from Nashville, I believe. About our age. Hopefully I can tell you more by the end of the week' Nick said leaning back in his chair

'Ok, and Dani…he is?'

Warrick pretended to fluster 'Who said anything about him being a he?'

'You did, when you said 'person at the diner' also, everyone knows you're bisexual Warrick. I did catch you with that guy at the club a few years back. Besides, takes one to know one. Also, you've clearly told Nick; else you wouldn't have this stupid bet, so spill!'

Warrick smiled and turned to Nick 'Yep, she's one damn smart investigator… he's got dark eyes, olive skin… toned body… he's one hell of a cook. He updated the menu a little, you need to come try it Sara. It's been too long since the gang have gone out to breakfast together'

'I think you're both in with a shot, but if they found out it was a bet, you'd both be in hot water, and I wouldn't help at all… of course, now, if I win, and you both get dates out of this, I expect a prize…'

Nick and Warrick looked at each other, and then both nodded in agreement 'Name it' they said at the same time

'Massages… endless massages, whenever, wherever I want, throughout the remainder of this pregnancy… and the promise to never question my weight… I know it's a big prize, but I'm willing to help set you both up in return… Man, last time I could have done with endless foot rubs…God; I hope my ankles don't swell up this time…'

As she was saying this Warrick looked over at Nick. Nick didn't look surprised at this news, but Warrick was clearly confused. Nick shot him a look saying 'Don't ask, I'll explain later'

Sara didn't even notice what she'd said, or the looks between the two boys.

She finished the last of her tea, and looked around the room 'How come you're here early anyways?' she'd noticed the clock, 9.40pm it read.

'Oh you know… why not?'

'Grissom told you I'd be here?' She asked

'No… Ecklie, actually… he generally announced it to the whole lab at once… briefly confirmed certain…rumours… and then told everyone to leave you alone. Explained you'd be coming back to work gradually… that we weren't to make it awkward for you… but, of course, in announcing it, he did make it awkward. Luckily Catherine and Grissom were stood behind him… I don't know it he's aware, but the looks those two gave to everyone… no one's going to be bothering you Sara' Nick finished, his hand rubbing her gently.

'Oh…' She wiped away at a tear

'I know right, Ecklie is human after all' Warrick said, patting her on the arm 'Anyway, I'm going out for a cigarette before assignments are handed out… catch you later Sar'

Sara tensed a little, when she realised she was now alone with Nick for the first time since sleeping with him in the hotel. She felt awkward and vulnerable. Unsure of herself. She scratched at her arm, quickly forgetting the humour they had just shared.

'Nick…' her voice came out quiet

'Don't worry Sara… no one else knows..'

'I… I know…It's not that… not, just, that anyway… I …' once again she wiped at her face.

'We can't change it Sara. We're all adults, we all wanted it… Try not to worry about it, ok?' his voice was gentle, caring. He pulled her into a half hug.

'Do you regret it?' she whispered

'No..Never Sara… I don't really know how to explain it. But if there's one thing I do know, is that it bought you and Catherine together, right?'

Sara nodded slowly, leaning her head on Nicks shoulder

'So, see, all is well, you got Catherine, we all got release and I had some of the best sex of my life… '

Sara couldn't help but giggled 'Yeah… Yeah, I guess your right… certainly the best threesome anyway…' her voice was dry and serious

'You mean…?' Nick questioned a little shocked

'No Nick, I'm only teasing. First and Last…You?'

'Same, first and last… besides, if I get lucky with Julia, who knows, perhaps there might never be someone else… '

'Hey Nick…have you seen Catherine?'

Nick grinned and whispered in her ear 'No sex at work Sara!'

'I'm not at work!' she quipped back

'In that case, have fun… she's in her office doing paperwork… she won't be going into the field tonight… I wonder how she managed that' he winked, and gently pushed Sara away from him.

Sara couldn't help but smile as she hurried towards Catherine's office.

She knocked, heard Catherine call for her to enter, and did so.

As she stepped in, the phone rang. As Catherine answered the call, Sara quietly locked the door, closed the blinds, and slipped off her jacket.

Catherine ended the call as quickly as she could, and then asked Sara to take a seat.

'Hello Sweetie'

'Hi Cat' Sara said with a grin on her face. She used to hate pet names, but coming from Catherine she found she enjoyed them.

'Good day?' she questioned, leaning back into the office chair

'Ok thanks… had another session… than ate loads of Candy Floss… slept a little… came here…You?'

'Ok thanks, actually spent some time with Lindsey again… tried a different cake recipe… still just as bad… we need you to come bake for us Sara' Catherine grinned

'I'd love to'

They sat smiling at one another, lost in each other's eyes, and then Sara stood, and sauntered over to Catherine. She placed a tentative kiss on Catherine's forehead, and then perched on the edge of the desk

'Cat…can I ask you something… 3 something's?'

'Yes…' Catherine replied, leaning in to kiss Sara

Sara looked down at her hands, and then around the room, before saying in a quiet voice 'Would you like to come to my next ultrasound?'

Catherine didn't answer at first, but she kissed Sara once more, darting her tongue across Sara's lips, bringing her one hand up to Sara's waist 'Yes' she mumbled at last, now kissing along Sara's jaw

'Next question' she asked, pulling back

Sara groaned at the loss of contact 'Be my Girlfriend…' she rushed out, leaning in to kiss Catherine again, happy when the blonder eagerly kissed her back. Sara's hand came up to play with Catherine's hair, and she stopped leaning against the table, to kneel down on the floor in front of Catherine

'Yes…' Catherine called out once again between kisses.

Now it was Sara's turn to pull away. Her hands dropped down to Catherine's sides, her fingers caressing as they went.

'How noisy is this chair?'

Catherine's breath caught in her throat, realisation washing over her 'Not at all' she squeaked out, parting her legs almost without realising

'Good…' Sara placed a kiss on Catherine's stomach, and slipped her hands underneath her top. Exposing the flesh, she kissed the skin she found, and reached for the button on Catherine's trousers, undoing it, and tugging at the fabric. Catherine lifted herself a little from the chair so Sara could pull the trousers off. Sara hooked her fingers around the underwear too, taking them both in one swift moment. She pulled them down as far as the knees, all the while placing kisses on the soft creamy flesh she was exposing. She tugged at Catherine's shoes, removed them, and then removed the rest of Catherine's lower clothing.

Catherine arched her back in anticipation, clamping down the noises that were already threatening to fall from her mouth, as her hands tangled in Sara's hair, trying desperately to guide her to where she was wanted the most.

Sara wanted to tease, to go slow, but she soon lost her self-control. Quickly her mouth was over Catherine's clit, her tongue darting over the swollen nub, as Catherine bucked into her.

Sara used one hand to grip on to Catherine's waist, and the other to slightly lift Catherine's body. She dipped her head lower, kissing, caressing and licking at the flesh there. Her tongue was soft and slow, and moved deeply, at other time it was faster, barely touching, teasing. She bought one of her hands down between Catherine's legs, her fingers teasing at the curls, slowly edging lower and lower. Catherine bucked again, and so she removed her hand. She repositioned herself, bringing her tongue away from Catherine's folds, and back up to the very sensitive clit, and moved her hand to where her tongue had been, instantly inserting 3 fingers, gently, but deeply, inside Catherine. Pumping them in and out, curling them.

Catherine had to bite back a scream as her body began to edge closer to orgasm. She raised her legs, granting Sara more access. One she threw over Sara's shoulder, the over on to her desk, knocking a few things over in the process. Neither of them noticed. Sara pumped and curled her fingers a few more times, and Catherine tumbled over the edge around them. Sara slowed her movements, but didn't stop them, wanting to prolong the orgasm for as long as possible. Catherine had to slam her hand down on the chair a few times. It was a thin line between pleasure and pain at the moment. She wanted Sara to stop, but she also never wanted the orgasm to end. It was a blissful torture. Catherine groaned as first Sara pulled her mouth away, and then her hand.

Sara smirked, satisfied with her work, as she grabbed a tissue and wiped her mouth and hand clean.

Catherine tried to speak, but found she couldn't. Sara just smirked again.

'I think there's some kinda rule about wearing appropriate clothing at work Catherine… imagine if the fire alarm went off now… what would everyone say!'

Catherine flipped Sara off with her middle finger but the smile on her face let Sara know she was happy.

'How am I supposed to concentrate on paperwork now?'

'I dunno, don't care…not my problem for the next week…' Sara leant down and placed a brief kiss on Catherine's lips.

'I need to go find Greg now… you best lock the door behind me….' Sara began to walk away

'Wait… Sar….' Catherine called out

'Yeah?' Sara asked, turning to look over her shoulder

'Perhaps in a few days, when you're a bit more settled, you'd like to have dinner with Lindsey and me…'

Sara nodded 'I'd like that… she's a good kid Catherine…'

'Thanks… and…Thanks…'

'No problem…' Sara reached for the door handle

'Wait' Catherine called again 'What time should I meet you at the hospital?'

'5.20…Please…' Sara said, not daring to look around as she heard Catherine stand up from her desk. She unlocked the door, and slipped out, another grin spreading over her face as she heard the door lock again.

Xxxx

a/n yay, another happy chapter!

Although… expect a little more drama again soon…

Mstonks, cyber space has lost the P/M, so I never got it… please send again, or email at Emilymayv aol . com

Thanks for reading!


	34. Hiccups

Sara had gotten back from the lab at about 11pm in the end, to find Brass already asleep. After years of primarily working the nightshift, they had quickly readjusted their sleeping patterns. Sara was still finding it difficult to sleep because of the past trauma she had suffered, and the bad habits she had gathered over the years however. Sitting on the sofa she felt a little lost. Before now her natural instinct would have been to crack open a beer, but now having been sober for nearly a fortnight she no longer had that drive or desire. Turning on the TV she flipped through the channels looking for something to watch. Settling in to the sofa further, she smiled a little when she saw that Titanic was just starting. Pulling a blanket around her shoulders she began to watch the movie.

It was around 1.30 am when Brass walked into the room, seeing the TV on 'Hey Kiddo…' he called walking around the sofa 'Sara….'

Sara jumped slightly at the sound of his voice, and rubbed her eyes 'Oh….Hey…Sorry, I must have drifted off….'

'That's alright; your body obviously needs the rest. How are you feeling?'

'Oh…Groggy… What time is it?' Sara yawned out, rubbing at her eyes again.

'1.35…When did you get back?'

'About 11… I didn't want to wake you…I'm sorry… It's been a tough day…I'm not feeling so good actually….'

Brass frowned, and took a seat next to her 'Not feeling good, how?'

Sara shrugged, and pulled the blanket further around her body 'Like I've been in treacle…It's something someone said to me once…when you have to fight to get awake, to get everything functioning again….'

'I'm sure you'll be ok, give it a few more minutes'

Sara just nodded, and once again settled into the sofa. In minutes she was asleep again.

Brass chuckled to himself, and reached over for the remote, turning the TV off.

Xxx

When Sara next awoke it was around 6 am, and she felt extremely on edge, but she wasn't sure why. She hadn't been plagued by nightmares, or thoughts about her current case load. In fact, all she had done was sleep, but it somehow didn't feel like that to her. Once again rubbing at her eyes, she slowly got up, and walked into the kitchen. Putting the kettle on, and getting some breakfast, she thought over what she had to do that day, soon forgetting the strange feeling she'd yet when she first woke up.

She was feeling very nervous about the upcoming ultrasound, fearing something could have gone wrong since her last one a few days ago. The more she thought about it, the worse the feeling got.

Trying to keep herself busy, and her mind focused on other things, Sara began to clean the entire kitchen. First she washed all of the pans, pots; crockery and cutlery, even if it was already clean. She cleaned and disinfected every work surface and cupboard as she went. Next she took all of the food out of the cupboards, and completely rearranged where everything was kept, replacing it not only in date order, but alphabetically in sections according to food type. Working both quickly, efficiently, and throughly, Sara didn't notice that nearly 3 hours passed, or that for the past 20 minutes, Jim had been stood watching her.

Only after the last food tin had been placed back in the cupboard, did Sara stop.

Turning, she jumped a little when she finally noticed Jim

'Shit… Hi…Morning…' Sara stammered 'Been there long?'

'Long enough' Jim replied with a grin on his face 'although I have no idea where to find what I want for breakfast now…'

Sara looked at him confused 'It's not that hard to figure out Jim… see' Sara answered, pulling him over to the cupboards and showing him where everything was. 'Don't you dare mess with it either Jim, I don't know why I didn't have my cupboards like this years ago!'

'Sure thing… 'Brass just shook his head, grabbing what he needed to make a simple porridge with honey out of 3 different cupboards and the fridge.

'So Sara… what's the real reason for the change in the kitchen?' Brass asked as he was finishing making his breakfast. He had noticed that for the past five minutes or so Sara had been scratching at her arms, pacing the room, or humming, sometimes all 3.

'No… No reason….' Sara stammered out, not looking up 'No… No reason…'

'Sara… have you had your meds today?'

'Yes….. Yes….' Sara almost whispered out, pausing in her pacing

'Sara?' he questioned

'Yes… I took the damn pills… count them if you don't believe me….'

'What's with the odd behaviour then Kiddo?'

'Nerves… '

'Ok…..' Brass questioned again 'You're gonna have to give me more than that Sara…. Come on… come sit down….' Brass said, taking his porridge off the hob. He would eat it later, his concern for Sara outweighing his need for food

Taking her arm gently, he walked her over to the sofa, and once sat, pulled the blanket around her shoulders

'Talk to me Sara… what's going on, what's got you so worked up?'

'The baby….' Sara whispered, pulling the blanket a little tighter 'I'm scared of what they'll find out…'

'Oh Sweetie….' Brass pulled her into a half hug 'I'm sure everything will be ok… Do you feel any different?'

Sara shook her head no and shrugged 'I don't know… I don't know how I'm supposed to feel….what if… what if being sober makes no difference… what if I've already caused the damage….and these damn meds Jim…. God, these damn meds….' Sara broke down in his arms, getting hysterical

'Shhh….Shhh… It's ok Sara… it will be ok….'

'You don't know that!' Sara screamed, trying to pull out of his arms

Brass just held her closer 'You don't know that it won't be' he countered, his voice calm and caring

'I'm scared Dad' Sara choked out through her tears and hiccups

'I know… I know, but right now, you're doing everything you can, you've sobered up, trust me, it makes a difference ok, and your meds are very important Sara, you wouldn't have them otherwise ok… '

Sara nodded a little 'What if my babies sick?'

'I don't know Sara, but let's not worry about that right now, ok? I know it's hard, but right now, you just have to know the baby is alive…'

Sara tried to respond, but her words got caught up in another hiccup

'Ok?'

'hiccup'

Brass couldn't help but giggle at this. Soon again, Sara's breathing evened out, and the hiccups lessened, to be replaced by soft snoring as Sara once again slept.

Xxxx

'How are you feeling now Sara?'

Sara just looked at Brass with confusion 'You know… from your little melt down earlier…'

Sara shook her head 'Oh that… yeah, fine… I guess….'

'Good…. Is Catherine going with you?'

'Yeah… well she's gonna meet me there just before… not ready to share my therapy sessions just yet… I don't even like sharing them with myself if I'm honest, let alone anyone else…'

'Well, that's understandable…. When will you be back?'

'Oh… I don't know…. Scans at 5.30, but to be honest I have no idea how long they take… I really wasn't paying attention at the last one…. I couldn't even look at the screen…..' Sara sighed, and grabbed some water out of the fridge.

'Sara….'

'Don't Brass, just don't' Sara snapped before storming off towards her bedroom.

She didn't know why she was acting like she was, but that feeling from earlier in the morning had returned. In fact, it had never really left.

Xxx

Leaning against the wall, Sara let out a sigh. She'd just finished another therapy session. This time they had talked about creating positive habits and a healthy diet. Sara had hated every moment of it. It was hard enough breaking her bad behaviour of the past few months, let alone trying something new. Glancing down at her watch she cursed, she only had 15 minutes until she'd be joining Catherine and having the scan. Right now she felt a desperate need to cut herself with something else. Her leg perhaps, she thought. Cutting her stomach was no longer an option. Sara tried to shake off the thought, knowing she didn't have the time to do anything. Hopefully, she thought, she'd feel better after seeing Catherine, and taking her next dose of medication.

Slowly she walked down to the maternity ward, where Eloise would meet her. She was thankful that Sylvia wouldn't be doing the scan, as she couldn't bear the thought of another second in that woman's company.

Before she knew it, she heard her name being called

'Sar….' Turning she saw Catherine and her face instantly lit up

'Cat!' she rushed over to her, wrapping her in a hug and kissing her gently

'Hey Sweetie' Catherine said holding her closely 'How are you darling?'

'I'm ok, I'm so happy you're here!'

'Wouldn't miss it for the world Sar!' Catherine said beaming, kissing her again 'Ready?'

Sara nodded slowly, and slipped her hand into Catherine's

'No' she admitted after a moment 'I'm nervous as hell Cat… what if….'

'Shhh….' Catherine placed a kiss on Sara's forehead 'Let's just wait and see what Eloise has to say ok?'

Sara nodded once again, taking a seat in the waiting room.

'Sara… ready?' Eloise called after about 5 minutes

'Yeah…' Sara mumbled, standing up, her hand still holding on to Catherine's

Together they walked into the room

'How are you feeling?' Eloise asked, typing a few notes on to her computer

'Ok thanks… better, anyway'

'Good… Good….' Eloise said 'You remember Dylan… is it alright if he assists me today Sara? I thought you might feel more comfortable with people you already know?'

Sara just nodded, but didn't move from the chair, or even look up.

'Are you sure you're okay Sara?'

'I…I….'

'She's nervous' Catherine answered for her

'Ok… well, if you hop on to the bed….'

'What…. What about my blood test results?' Sara whispered, her hold on Catherine's hand tightening

'Ah… yes… well….' Eloise started

'What? What happened?' Sara chocked out, looking up between Eloise and Dylan

'We don't know Sara… the lab lost your sample…. We'll have to take another one… I'm sorry… I really am….'

Sara didn't know what to say, once again looking down at the ground

'Why were you taking the sample anyway?' Catherine questioned, her thumb running over the back of Sara's hand

'Well…several reasons… to check on Sara's HCG levels, and her Iron levels for starters, also too check if there was any alcohol in her system, and then too see what level her prescriptions are in her system… it's a high risk pregnancy, and we need to keep a constant check….'

Catherine nodded in understanding, but still had questions 'Why such a…. cocktail?'

Eloise looked at Sara for a moment, trying to determine what she could tell Catherine 'Sara… what would you like for Catherine to know?'

Sara just shrugged 'Don't care' she forced out, scratching at her arms again.

'Well… the disulfiram is to dissuade drinking, the Prozac is for the depression, and the lithium is for the bipolar… without them Sara's state of mind and sense of well-being, and her mental health would be further comprised… Sara could have benefitted from medication years ago… '

'Isn't there a risk of taking them in pregnancy though?' Catherine questioned. It had been worrying her for days. When Sara was just on the Prozac, that had been one thing, but the added lithium had really gotten Catherine's alarm bells going.

'Yes… a small one, as with every prescription… it's why we want to monitor it closely… but the risk of taking them is much less than not taking them at all…. At the moment, the focus needs to be on Sara's mental health first… '

'I understand that, but you have to realise that if… if anything happens…. It will kill her' Catherine said, gesturing towards Sara's stomach

'I know… that's why we need to monitor… and discuss options…'

'Options?' Sara creaked out; she'd been half listening to the conversation

'Yes, options Sara… depending on how your pregnancy progresses, and depending on how you are coping mentally, emotionally and physically, we may need to induce an early labour… about 28 weeks, or roughly 6.5 months… of course, it's too early to tell at this stage… we will see week by week…. This would be optimal for both the baby's survival, and for Sara's well-being… Sara's health is first and foremost our concern…'

Sara leant over in her chair, so she could rest her head on Catherine's shoulder, taking in what Eloise had said

'Will Sara have a say in this?' Catherine questioned, holding Sara closely

'In all honesty, it depends on her mental state at the time, and if not delivering the baby becomes a risk of life to either patient…'

Catherine took in a deep breath 'Ok… Ok… so… mixing Prozac and lithium… what risks and side effects do we need to look out for?'

'Here….' Eloise handed her a sheet of handwritten paper 'But really, I don't think any of it will become an issue… I don't want you to read this Sara, and then decide that you'll stop taking your meds. That will be a danger in and of itself ok… it's really important that you take them….'

'I coped without them before…' Sara whispered

'Yes, and you never slept, never dealt with your problems, and turned to alcohol…' Dylan cut in. He'd remained quiet thus far

'Dylan!' Eloise snapped

'What, it's true!' he answered back 'Anyways… are we going to do your ultrasound or what Sara?' he said abruptly. Sara couldn't help but smile a little. Dylan certainly had an interesting bedside manner, but it's what made her like him so much.

Sara stood, and walked over to the bed. Lifting her shirt so the gel could be placed on her stomach, she winced a little at how cold it was, and then, once again, turned her head way from the screen.

Catherine came and stood beside her, once more taking her hand. 'Are you going to look today Sara?' she asked gently, bending down to place a kiss in Sara's hair

Sara just shook her head no.

Xxxx

Catherine pulled up and switched off the car. Sara hadn't said anything in nearly 2 hours, she hadn't once looked at the ultrasound, or the printed picture. She hadn't answered any of Eloise's questions about how she was feeling, or really listened to Eloise explaining the ultrasound image as she went. She hadn't flinched when more blood was taken. She'd only really responded when the gel had been wiped off of her stomach, and then she had leapt of the bed, and practically run out of the room.

Catherine turned in her seat 'Sara… were back at your flat… do you want me to come in for a bit?'

Sara nodded, and then got out of the car

'Are you going to talk to me Sar?'

Sara didn't reply as she unlocked the front door and stepped inside, Catherine following close behind

'You know what Sara; giving me the silent treatment isn't going to achieve anything. I have done nothing wrong, Eloise has done nothing wrong but try and make you feel better, and newsflash, your scan was just fine!' Catherine snapped sinking in to the sofa. Sara sank into the arm chair, and pulled her knees up to her chest.

'I know… I just…I…I haven't been feeling right all day….'

'So why didn't you tell the Dr when she asked Sara?'

'I don't know… I didn't know how to explain it…. Then I was just a little overwhelmed that the baby is ok, and then it just hit me again that I'm even having a baby, that I haven't screwed it up…. Yet… I… I…until it's born I don't think It's ever gonna sink in…. and she was right…. Eloise was right…. I'm already reluctant to take my medications… '

'Oh Sar….'

'What's wrong with me Cat?' Sara cried out, tears streaming down her face, a fresh wave of hiccups starting.

Xxx

a/n

sorry it's been a while! I've either been flat out working, or had a surge in my social life! More soon!


	35. Yo-Yo's and Pasta

'What's wrong with me?' Sara repeated through her tears

'Oh Sar….' Catherine just held her closer, trying to offer some comfort 'It's ok Sara, everything's ok, just breathe ok, you need to calm down….' Catherine rubbed her hand gently over Sara's chest, trying to even out her breathing, the other arm around her shoulder. 'It's ok, it's ok'

'What if it's not?' Sara struggled to get out through more hiccups, scratching at her arms once more.

'Shhhh….' Catherine moved her arm from around Sara, to cover her hand 'Stop scratching…. '

Sara just scratched all the more, until Catherine was forced to pry her arms apart 'Sara please… stop scratching….'

'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…'

'I know, it's ok…' Catherine loosened her hold on Sara's arms, hoping that Sara wouldn't start again. Pulling her arms fully free, Sara trapped her hands between her legs, sniffling a few more times.

'Better?' Catherine questioned, trying her best to stay calm, when she was panicking on the inside.

'Yeah… No… I don't know…' Sara admitted. A an awkward silence settled between them, Sara shifting in her seat slightly, so her head was resting on the arm of the chair 'I feel like I'm in a fog Cat, and I don't know how to get out of it… It's almost as worse as my worst hangover…'

Catherine ran her hand through Sara's hair 'Do you want me to call the Dr?'

'No… No… please don't…. '

Catherine reluctantly agreed not too 'Sar… have you missed your medicine… or taken too much?'

'No… No…' Sara snapped 'I've taken it; I've taken it, why do you keep asking…'

Catherine's hand stilled in their movements 'I haven't Sara… I haven't asked…'

'Lies… Please don't…. You asked me this morning!' Sara choked out through a fresh wave of tears

'No sweetie… No, I wasn't here, remember, Jim was here, not me…' Catherine managed to get out, her own tears now falling. Her fear over Sara's well-being only increasing.

'Oh…' Sara hiccupped again, now scratching at her legs

'Sara… why do you keep scratching?'

'I don't…'

'Yes sweetie, you do, you are, and you're scratching now…'

Sara looked down at her hands, frowning; she stilled their movements 'I'm sorry… I'm sorry…I'm tired Cat, I'm really tired….'

'Ok…. Ok… Come on… to bed…'

'I can't' came the whispered response 'No…'

'Sara, if you're tired, you need to rest ok. I'll stay with you, if you like?'

Sara just shook her head no 'Lindsey….'

'She's with my Mum Sara, don't worry about it, please, let's get you to bed…'

'I can't' Sara repeated, trapping her hands once more to stop from scratching

'Why Sara?' Catherine questioned

'I told you, I don't sleep, I don't like to sleep, bad things happen when I sleep… I've slept too much, too much… much too much since that night at the club… more than the past month… no Cat, please… When I sleep Rose dies over and over… the victims scream, I scream… I feel their hands… so many hands…. Groping, grabbing… Please… I don't want to I don't want to!' Sara was screaming by now.

'Ok' was all Catherine could manage, wiping away the tears that were falling, she allowed Sara time to calm down by herself. She wanted to see how long it would take, what Sara would do.

Sara lay her head back down on the chair, her eyes drifting closed, before snapping open again, closing once more. Catherine just sat there, unmoving, watching. Waiting.

It took about ten minutes, and at last, Sara had fallen asleep, having exhausted herself in her frenzy.

Catherine placed another blanket over the sleeping brunette, and then crept in to the kitchen to make a drink. A few minutes later, Catherine sat so she could keep an eye on Sara, cup of tea in one hand, the documents and leaflets Eloise had given her in the other. Pulling out her phone, she set it to vibrate, and send a message to Brass

'Hey Brass, S scan went well, but S v. since getting back… exhausted herself, now dozing on chair… I'm ok to stay here until S wakes up… If u need 2 stay out, that's ok… otherwise best 2 come in v. … C xx'

Settling in to the chair, Catherine read through the literature she had

Top of Form

Bottom of Form

Top of Form

Bottom of Form

_Lithium and Prozac use in treating Depression and Bipolar disorders._

_What you need to know - _

_Before being prescribed either medication, your Doctor or Health Care Provider will look at all of the Pros and Cons, and the benefits, of treating your condition/s with either drug, where nessaccary, a patient maybe prescribed both drugs. In these cases the patient's mental well-being and health would be considered at major risk without the drugs. _

_However, combining these medications can increase the risk of a rare but serious condition called the __**Serotonin**__**Syndrome**__, which may include symptoms such as;-_

_Confusion, _

_Hallucination, _

_Seizure, _

_Extreme changes in blood pressure, or increased heart rate, _

_Fever, _

_Excessive sweating, _

_Shivering or shaking, _

_Blurred vision, _

_Muscle spasm or stiffness, _

_Tremor, _

_Incoordination, _

_Stomach cramp, or _

_Nausea, vomiting, and diarrhoea. _

_In extremely severe, but RARE cases it could result in coma and even death. You should contact your doctor immediately if you experience these symptoms while taking the medications. It is important to tell your doctor about all other medications you use, including vitamins and herbs. Do not stop using any medications without first talking to your doctor._

_Although such side effects are rare, they are possible, and so constant monitoring of the patients physical health will be advised, among regular welfare checks with your HCP, and blood tests, and therapy/counselling to help with the core issues around the individual patient's needs. Any of these symptoms or side effects should be carefully recorded and reported as soon as possible. At times the patient may also seem more agitated and unsure of themselves, this can be more prevalent where either a double dose is taken (either deliberately or by mistake) or where a dose is missed (either deliberately or by mistake)_

_It is very important to take the drugs, and to only seize taking them with the Doctors permission._

_If an alternative drug or mix of drugs can be given, it will be. It is important to note that a Doctors decision to mix Prozac and Lithium prescriptions is not taken lightly, and is often only done so as a last resort where no other options are available. This is especially true if the patient has a high risk of attempting suicide, or serious self-harm, if they have previously been addicted to other drugs or alcohol, or where they are a danger to themselves or others (particularly if pregnant)_

_The risk of such tablets in pregnancy, and the effect on a baby's health and survival rates vary from case to case, and regular monitoring of a pregnancy would be recommended and advised._

_Lithium use in pregnancy can cause foetal heart defects, which your HCP, Dr or Midwife will be aware of and monitor. In some extreme cases, a scheduled early delivery will be advised, and if needed, organised._

_Prozac currently has no reported side-effects to a baby's health._

_If you are still concerned or have more questions, please get in touch with your HCP._

After Catherine had finished reading the leaflet once, she had to read it again to take it all in. She felt just as lost as ever. Sara hadn't shown any of the rare (but common) signs of Serontin Syndrome, but she had been a little spacy, agitated and overly emotional. Catherine had no idea if it was simply from the pregnancy hormones, the past few weeks catching up with her, a delayed reaction to the withdrawal of the alcohol or quiet what.

She just hoped Sara would wake up soon, and would be feeling better when she did.

Sometime later Catherine felt someone gently shake her awake, blinking a few times; she smiled when she saw Brass. Silently he handed her a mug of green tea, and then gestured for Catherine to follow him. Taking a sip or two of the drink first, Catherine followed Brass into Sara's room, where they wouldn't disturb her.

'Hey, how's she doing?' Brass whispered, perching on the edge of the bed with his own mug of tea

'Oh… I don't know…I don't understand how before, with no meds, we didn't notice or know Sara's bipolar, and now with these new meds and her hormones she's yo-yoing like crazy…'

'I know… But, listen, I've been thinking about that… Well, before she had work to focus on, first in the lab, often last out of the lab. Maxing out on overtime, going the extra mile for certain cases… Any change in behaviour we probably put down to work, cases… certain victims… I missed it, you missed it, hell, we all missed it… Then with the drinking…' Brass paused, and sighed, taking a sip of tea 'I knew… I mentioned it a while ago… she denied it, and like the fool that I am, I didn't push it. I believed her Catherine. It's sad, but it's true… Sara is great at lying. Granted she'd never lie or cheat in her job, it means to much to her… It's pretty much the only thing, for a while at least, that meant anything to her… but lying to herself, denying things, hiding things… to herself, to us, to others… hell, even the PEAP counsellor didn't pick up on anything… she's one hell of a liar…'

'I know' Catherine whispered dejectedly 'I'd trust her with my life Jim, hell, I'd trust her with Lindsey's even… but I don't trust her with her own… how sad is that? The woman I'm falling for, and I can't trust her to be alone for any length of time…'

'I know'

They sat in silence for a while, sipping at their tea

'So, what happened?' Jim asked at last 'Anything I need to know about?'

Catherine set her mug down 'Where do I even start with that? She refused to look at the scan, again… wouldn't speak to Eloise… I have no idea what she spoke about with Sylvia… I know she's feeling overwhelmed with the pregnancy… that she's scared to sleep… reluctant to take her medications, possibly bordering on paranoia at times, but…again, that could be just the hormones, cuz trust me Jim, they can really screw with even the most sane of people… oh, and now she's scratching at her arms whenever she's upset or agitated… oh, and hiccupping a lot because of how worked up she's getting…'

'Wow… poor girl'

'Yeah… and things could only get worse…'

'What do you mean?' Jim asked, setting his mug down.

'Well, they might have to induce Sara at 6.5 months, depending on how things look, her well-being mostly, and there's a risk her meds might not mix well… here…' Catherine reached into her pocket, pulling out a leaflet and handing it to Jim

'Serotonin Syndrome?' He questioned 'What's that?'

'Bad Jim, that's bad… just read…' Catherine glanced at her watch 'Wow… it's nearly 11, for someone who didn't want to sleep, Sara's been out of it for nearly 3 hours… she exhausted herself into sleep just after 8 in the end…'

Xxx

Not long after they had been talking, Catherine had left, it was a Friday night and she wanted some real sleep before spending the day with Lindsey, grateful that Grissom had understand her last minute change of plan of working that night. She'd make it up to him somehow.

Brass hadn't wanted to disturb Sara, but he needed to sleep too. He was reluctant to use Sara's bed however, and couldn't pull out the sofa-bed without disturbing Sara. Looking at her collection of books, he found something that caught his eye. Pulling it out, he thumbed through it, and then sat on the sofa, and began to read.

It had been a long time since Brass had found a book quite look this. A sci-fi book with a great setting, slightly bizarre characters, and enough intrigue to keep him turning the pages. He was so absorbed in the book – Stephen King's, The Tommyknockers, that he at first didn't hear Sara stirring, so he jumped a little when she heard her voice

'Which part are you at?'

Recovering Brass smiled 'Morning…go back to sleep if you like, it's only 3 am…'

'No, it's ok, I'm awake… besides, you haven't answered my question' Sara said with a wide smile as she stretched, and then bought her hands down to rub gently over her stomach

'Oh…'Gardener on the Rocks…Not long after dawn on the morning of July 4th, 1988, Gardener awoke…' Brass read

'-came to, anyway- near the end of the stone breakwater which extends out into the Atlantic not far from the Arcadia Funworld Amusement Park in Arcadia Beach, New Hampshire.' Sara finished for him 'Page 99' She added as Brass looked at her in amazement

'It's my favourite book Jim, certainly my favourite King book… I must have read it at least twice a year since it was first published in '88…' Sara said smirking, shrugging her shoulders slightly in her amusement 'Problem?'

'Oh no… no, not at all… except for the fact you're such a nerd!'

'Yes, but I'm a lovable nerd who you love, and who is pregnant, and you should know never to mock pregnant people, especially hungry ones!' Sara said with a massive smile 'I'm gonna make some Pasta… you hungry?'

Sara's smile was infectious, and soon Jim was smiling too 'Sure… why not…' he didn't want to say or do anything to risk breaking this good mood that Sara now found herself in. It was such a turn around to how Catherine had said she was before she had drifted to sleep.

'Good… Good… so, Tuna pasta bake, or Pesto pasta with tomatoes?'

'Oh… I don't mind, whichever is easier…'

'There both easy, both tasty… screw it, I'll do both and we can take the extra's to the lab… make sure everyone gets a proper meal for once… I swear it's only got worse, no one takes a break for food anymore… ok… so, it's 3… We should be done cooking by 5.30 at the latest… hopefully sooner if you stop just staring at me… shift finishes at 7… Scrap that… I'll eat an apple now, and then we can all have food together after shift finishes… I'll ring the team up… I'll see if Nick or Grissom could host… this place is a little small…'

Brass couldn't get a word in edgeways, but right now, he didn't mind. He liked this good mood of Sara's, and he just hoped it would last

'Ok… Ok, so who do I phone, Well, You, Griss, Nick, Warrick and Greg…that's 5… I know Cat's spending the day with Lindsey… I'll save her some for lunch or something… I know, I need to ask Doc, and Dave…Think I should invite the lab rats or anyone from P.D… I need to know how much to cook… Ok…'

Sara started to pull ingredients out of the kitchen cupboards, and dialled Grissom's number, putting the phone on speaker

'Grissom' came the reply

'Hello Gilbert!' Sara called out, pulling a few more things out of the cupboards

'Sara… are you ok?' he asked, surprised but happy at how chipper she sounded

'Good… good… I'm cooking… Brass says 'hey''

'Hey…' Came Brass's voice quietly

'So you're having a good day…evening…' Grissom questioned

'Yeah… now, just woke up, full of energy… that's why I'm cooking, I'm making tuna pasta and pesto pasta… anyways, I'm making enough for all of us to have breakfast…I need a favour… please say yes…' she said, her voice overly sweet

'What am I agreeing to?' Grissom asked over the phone

'I'll make the food… but we eat it at yours… my place is far too small…'

'Sara….'

'Please?' she interrupted

'Who exactly, is 'we'?' he questioned

'Oh, You, Nick, Warrick, Greg, Doc, Superdave, Brass and myself… Cat's busy… Maybe Archie… hell… I don't know, I can cook enough for about… 15…but it's your house… please Griss….'

Grissom sighed 'Ok….'

'YES!' Sara shrieked, causing both men to cover their ears

'On one condition Sara….' Grissom had to practically shout to be heard

'Oh…. What?' Sara asked sounding a little deflated

'Never call me Gilbert again!' Grissom said with laughter in his voice

'You got it Boss!' Sara said beaming once more, 'So….just after 7… save me a job, ask everyone for me? Please?'

'Ok Sara… one more thing though?'

'Yeah?' Sara asked

'Make some of your Garlic bread too?'

'Deal!'

Xxxxx

a/n ok… so, a mixed chapter again with a truly yo-yoing Sara… a couple of notes…

The Tommyknockers by Stephen King really is one of my favourite books, I highly recommend it… I first heard about it when I learnt the Movie would be on one night when I was on holiday, but I couldn't watch it due to the channel not being available… the next day I saw the book in a charity shop, and so bought it… the appeal came, not completely because of the Blurb, but because Marg Helegenberger (The lovely Catherine Willows) plays the main character of the story, Bobbi Anderson… I didn't see the movie for another 5 years… I love it, and the book… though I can't actually quote it like Sara can.

The other note of importance is that Serontin Syndrome is real, and nearly all of the italicised text is real… I just elaborated on it a little for the benefits of the story…

Hope you enjoyed… review if you can

Emz


	36. Lindsey's Wisdom

Sara's spotless kitchen was now once again messy and cluttered. After sending Jim to get some more food supplies, Sara had cooked more than enough to feed a small army, and still have left overs. It really was true what she'd said to Catherine about cooking on a large scale or not at all. Looking around at the mess she had made Sara smiled. She truly felt happy right at this moment in time, and was excited to be providing a good breakfast for the people she worked with.

It was 6.40 and the food was just about done. Pulling out a large picnic box, tea towels and kitchen foil, Sara set about getting the food ready for driving to Grissom's townhouse, which was about a 10 minute drive away. Once everything was packed, Sara took out her phone.

She wanted to phone Catherine, but didn't want to wake her or interrupt any precious time with Lindsey, so she settled on sending a text instead

'Thanks 4 last nite, and sorry… fog lifted… I'm ok, truly… I've cooked a massive massive b/fast for the gang, gonna enjoy it round Grissom's after shift finishes… Sorry you missed work cuz of me, again… Jim told me. Hope u enjoy ur day with Lindzz. I'll cook 4 u both soon, if u still want me 2? Sorry 4 the essay… thanks 4 getting me through all of this… Just seen scan photo… still looks like an alien… speak later xxx have a good day xxx love to lindzz xxx Sxxx'

Sara paused for a moment, wondering if she should send the message or not. It wasn't as if they ever really send non-work related messages to each other in the past, and she was aware of how things could be misread and miscommunicated via texts, but before she could doubt herself too much, she hit send.

It didn't take long for her phone to alert her to a reply, opening it a little nervously Sara read

'xxxxx'

Was all it read. Sara shook her head a little, not knowing what to make of it. Looking at the clock, she realised she'd have to put it to the back of her mind for now. She quickly ran a brush through her hair and brushed her teeth, throwing on her shoes and a jacket, she grabbed her handbag, checking her tablets were inside as she wasn't due to take them just yet, and grabbed the food she had prepared.

'Ready?' She called out to Brass

'Ready, here…' he reached out 'Let me take one of these….'

Xxxx

By 7.20 everyone who could make it had gathered at Grissom's townhouse – Grissom, Greg, Nick, Doc, Mandy, Archie and even Hodges had made an appearance. Unfortunately Warrick and Superdave had to pull a double shift.

'So Sara' Greg started once everyone was sat down, and she was in the kitchen area slightly warming the food through and warming plates to serve it on

'Yeah?' She called back

'Why have you never cooked for us before?'

'Never had the time…' was her reply. People could take that how they wanted; right now she was on too much of an up too care.

'Anyone want anything to drink?' Grissom asked

'Sure, I'll take a beer' Archie answered, relaxing into his seat

'Good idea, me too!' Came Mandy's and Greg's voices at the same time.

Brass and Grissom both tensed at this. This hadn't been what Grissom meant when offering drinks around. Only Nick and Sara seemed to notice this though. Sara pulled three little orange bottles out of her handbag, deliberately in plain view of everyone, and took a little pill out of each one

'Gilbert…' she said with purpose in her voice 'If your guests want a drink, get them a damn drink, and don't stop on my account…I'd feel worse if you did…'

Everyone exchanged looks. They'd heard the rumours, some of them had even been confirmed, but no one had truly thought about what it had meant

'I'm sorry Sara…' Archie started

'Don't be, it's not your fault I screwed up, and it's not your fault I got into this mess…' she said waving the bottles in her hand. 'No one should miss out on a drink just because I'm a recovering alcoholic with major depression and bipolar disorder, and it's not anyone's fault I'm pregnant either, so now that that's cleared up, if you want a beer drink a god damned beer, and let's not talk about this again…' Sara turned slightly, pulling the oven door open 'Besides, breakfast is ready, and I'm starving, so let's eat… who wants what?'

Xxx

Catherine rolled over in her bed again, it was about 8am, and she'd been awake ever since getting Sara's text. She wanted to acknowledge it, but hadn't known how, so had settled with returning the message with 'xxxxx' and she'd been thinking about it ever since. She wanted to wake Lindsey up, to get started on the day, but she knew how awkward her little girl could be if she was woken up too early at the weekends. Catherine tossed in her bed again, and pulled herself out of bed. She had decided she wouldn't wake Lindsey up, per say, but that she would go and join her in her own bed. And hoped that Lindsey wouldn't mind too much

'Hey darlin…' Catherine whispered, slipping into the bed with her daughter, and pulling her close

'It's too early…' Lindsey mumbled snuggling closer to her mother.

'I know… I just really needed a cuddle baby…'

'I've missed you too Mum…' Lindsey said, playing with Catherine's necklace

'I'm sorry Lindzz…'

'It's ok… I'm happy it's the weekend… School is boring…'

'Lindsey Willows, school is very important!' Catherine said in a mock scolding voice, placing a kiss on top of Lindsey's head

'I know, but I'd prefer to learn about what I want to learn about'

'And what's that?' Catherine asked with a smile

'I'd love to learn about Flamingos, and Okapis, oh and Porcupines…' Lindsey said in the most serious voice she could muster in her still half asleep state

'Is that your way of asking if we can go to the Zoo today?'

'Duhhh'

'Ok, Ok, we can go….' Catherine said running her hand through Lindsey's hair

'Mummy…'

'Yeah baby?'

'Are you ok?' Lindsey asked, sitting up in bed a little

'Yeah… Yeah, I will be… Why?'

'Nanna said you'd been sad because your Friend was poorly… it's why I didn't see you much the other week…'

'Oh Baby… I'm so sorry… things are a little complicated right now, but I'm ok' Catherine said, moving so she was leaning against the headboard.

'I'm not a little girl anymore Mum, I want to help, if I can'

'I'm not sure you can, and besides, you are a little girl, you're my little girl, even when your 50 you'll be my little girl!' Catherine said pulling Lindsey closer

'Is it Sara?' Lindsey asked, ignoring what her mum had just said

'What makes you say that?' Catherine questioned, trying not to give anything away

'I heard Nanna and Aunt Nancy talking.. They said something about…' Lindsey paused for a moment, trying to remember the exact words she had heard 'Catherine's spent more time with that Sidle woman this week than her own daughter… I hope she doesn't make any more stupid mistakes… she nearly lost everything with Stephanie last time….' Lindsey had to concentrate on every word

'Sara's last name is Sidle… isn't it?' she questioned, but before Catherine could answer, she added 'Mummy… who's Stephanie?'

Xxx

'Damn Sara, you really are a good cook, I don't know what I prefer' complemented Hodges.

'Thanks…' Sara said a little shocked, Hodges rarely said a nice word about anyone or anything, so this really did mean a lot, and in fact, was one of the highlights of the morning for her.

'Yeah Sara, you should do this more often' Mandy added, reaching for another portion of the Tuna pasta 'That or give us the recipe, I swear mine never turns out like this'

Sara smiled again, and scratched at her arm nervously 'I don't share recipes' she mumbled, turning to look at Jim. He understood, he was never to mention the secret ingredients she had added to give both meals that magical twist.

'Hey Griss… got any decks of cards… say…' he looked around the room, counting how many people were there… say, 2 or 3, ideally with different backs to them?'

'Uh… Yeah, somewhere, I think why…'

Brass just smiled, and pulled out his own deck 'How about a little after breakfast entertainment, a massive mixed deck game of Jin-Rummy or simple black jack? The more cards and the more players, the more entertaining' Jim really did want to play, but he also wanted to do something to deflect the attention from Sara, and to snap her out of scratching at her arms. He hadn't seen it before, but from what Catherine had told him, he knew it was a bad habit and a good tell to Sara's fragile state of mind. He wanted desperately to avoid a meltdown, especially in front of everyone.

'Good idea!' Sara chimed in, recognising Brass's tactic for what it was. She sent him a quick smile of thanks, and then stood, gathering a few of the empty plates and heading into the kitchen.

'I'm in' came a chorus of answers

'Alas, I'm out, I need to get home to Barbara' Doc said, standing and grabbing his crutches 'I promised we'd go to the butterfly farm before we went for our dance class this evening… I've got Superdave covering for me later, so please be nice to him… If it's really an emergency for a Post call me, but try not to until after 1am though please… Sara…' he said turning, reaching out for her hand, he pulled it up and kissed it. It was a little bizarre to do so, but he was in a good mood, and so didn't care about what people thought 'Thank you for a delightful breakfast…' he winked 'I think I know what your secret ingredient was in the pesto pasta, but don't worry, your secrets safe with me'

Sara broke out into a grin, and pulled Doc into a hug, whispering into his her 'What secret ingredient?' she said in a light tone. She kissed him on the cheek, and blushed a little. 'Night Doc' she said a little louder as she pulled back

'Night Sara, night all'

Xxx

'Maybe when you're older, I'll explain who Stephanie is…was…' Catherine corrected herself

'Was?' Lindsey questioned, dropping her hand away from Catherine's necklace

'Yeah… she died…'

'How?' Lindsey questioned, her curiosity not picking up on Catherine's reluctance to talk

'It was a long time ago baby… I'll tell you another time, ok?'

'Ok…' Lindsey conceded 'What about Sara though? Is she ok Mum?'

Catherine took a deep breath, running her hands through her hair 'She's getting there Lindzz baby… there was a…misunderstanding… and she needed help with it. It's my job to help the good guys, and to stop the bad guys… you know that, don't you?'

'Yeah, I know… so Sara did something bad? Is she in prison?' Lindsey asked feeling a little confused with her mums vague answer

'No Baby… Sara didn't do anything bad… it just… looked like she did, but she didn't… but, I learnt that she has been very… sad' Catherine said, trying to think of the right words and the right way to explain this all to her daughter, especially if Sara was to be spending time with her in the future.

'Why was she sad?' Lindsey questioned

'It's complicated baby…'

'I'm not a little girl, you can tell me' Lindsey said, sitting up even straighter

'Do you know where babies come from?' Catherine asked, looking down into her lap

'Yeah… you told me that when I was 5 after I saw you and Daddy…you know…'

'Yeah, I know, I just wasn't sure if you would remember…'

'What does this have to do with Sara?' Lindsey questioned

'A long time ago, Sara was a mummy, just like me… but her baby died… Sara was very sad. She's been sad for a long time Lindzz, and it all got too much… last year she was expecting another baby, but something happened… she had a miscarriage. Do you know what a miscarriage is Lindsey?'

The little girl shook her head no

'Ok…' Catherine paused, trying to think how best explain it to the 9 year old. 'Ok, so, sometimes things go wrong, and a baby can die when still in its mummies tummy… it's called a miscarriage… this made Sara even more sad, but nobody knew. She kept it a secret, and then she got into trouble'

'But I thought you said she didn't do anything bad?' Lindsey said, slumping a little. Looking up at her mum, she saw the tears, and reached up to brush them away

'Why are you sad mummy?'

Catherine laughed a little despite the tears 'I'm sad because Sara is sad, and I don't like to see Sara sad' Catherine paused 'Sara… Sara kept hurting herself, in different ways, because she was sad Lindsey, and she didn't know how to deal with it. Now, I'm trying to help her to get better.'

'Oh…' Lindsey thought about it for a moment 'Ok… why don't we ask her to come to the Zoo then? That always makes me feel good' Catherine couldn't help but smile at her daughter's way of thinking

'It's not that easy baby… things are… complicated'

'You keep saying that, but not explaining it…If Sara's sad, she should spend the day with us, I'd cheer her up, and teach her all about Porcupines… No one can be sad looking at a Porcupine, they're so funny…' Lindsey couldn't help but giggle

'Lindzz… Baby… Sara and I… we… ok…' Catherine paused again 'Remember when Daddy was around, and we'd kiss and cuddle each other?'

'Yeah, that's what Mummies and Daddies do'

'Well, what if I wanted to kiss and cuddle Sara like that?'

'Oh…' Lindsey sat and thought for a moment 'That's ok, I think…Janine has two mummies, and Susan has two daddies… and I don't want to see you sad because Sara is sad… so, I think that's ok… why? Do you kiss and cuddle Sara like that?' Lindsey questioned

'Yes baby, I do… It's…complicated, I'm sorry I keep saying that, but it's true… I really like Sara, it's why I spent so much time looking after her… she was in my hotel for a few days, and then she was in the hospital…'

'Why was she in the Hospital?' Lindsey interrupted

'She's got a baby in her tummy'

'I thought you said she had a mis… miscarriage?'

'She did, this is a different baby…'

'How? It's not yours, that's not how babies are made… did she kiss and cuddle someone else?'

Catherine nodded sadly, thinking of just how many people Sara had 'kissed and cuddled', even those who had forced themselves upon her 'Yeah sweetie, she did… sometimes people have sex with the wrong people, for the wrong reasons… and now Sara has a baby in her tummy… if I keep kissing and cuddling Sara, it means that you get a little Brother or Sister… so, if you don't want that, I need to not see Sara…'

'Oh…' Lindsey thought about it for a long while

'Do you love her?' She questioned

'I'm getting there… It doesn't happen instantly, but I want Sara to be happy, and I want to stop her from hurting… she's very fragile right now… she's been through a lot, but yea…I think I do. I don't want to hurt her though Lindsey, it wouldn't be fair to her'

'Does Sara love you?'

'Yeah baby, she does. Like I said though, she's been through a lot, and her… her brain is a little…haywire… right now. Do you understand what I mean by that?'

'I think so…she's like… a delicate glass sculpture… we have to be careful not to shatter her, cuz gluing it back together would be really hard…'

'Yeah baby, that's a good way of putting it… God, I love you so much. How did you get so wise?' Catherine pulled her in for another cuddle

'So are we going to ask Sara to come to the Zoo or what? If she can't come today, we could go tomorrow, and go shopping today? I think you should treat me to some new books and toys for being so wise and clever! Besides, we can't stay in bed all day, I'm hungry and I want waffles for breakfast!' Lindsey giggled, jumping out of the bed and running out of the room before Catherine could say anything.

xxx

a/n Stephanie Watson from the episode Felonious Monk. The girl that Catherine used to dance with who was murdered.


	37. Doubts

Catherine couldn't help but smile at Lindsey's attitude or how easily she seemed to have not only accepted things, but had been willing and wanting to help. Although last night was still eating away at the back of her mind, along with the worries of what the next few months could bring and the fear of serotonin syndrome hanging over her, Catherine conceded that she had to take her own advice, and take things minute by minute, just like she had told Sara in the hospital, and right now her minutes had to revolve around Lindsey.

Jumping up from the bed she followed Lindsey out of the room 'Ok ok, waffles it is, but you gotta have some fruit too you know!' she called after her whirlwind of a daughter.

'Doesn't strawberry syrup count?' Lindsey called back already halfway down the stairs.

'No Madam it doesn't, Banana or Blueberries… or both?'

'Both' Lindsey agreed running in to the kitchen

Catherine couldn't help but carry on smiling as she got the breakfast ready. After they had finished, both having had 3 waffles each, Catherine pulled Lindsey on to her lap 'Thank you baby' she kissed her cheek

'Mum!' Lindsey said trying to wiggle out of her grasp.

Catherine just held her closer 'I think we should spend the morning shopping, then maybe go to the park. Sara's spending the morning with Uncle Gil, Uncle Jim and the rest of the Gang, I think she might be too tired to go to the Zoo today… Besides, I want to spend my day with my most favourite person in the world!' Catherine declared planting another kiss on Lindsey's head.

Lindsey couldn't help but giggle 'Ok… but can we ring her now? Please? I wanna speak to her'

Xxxx

A little after 9 Sara's phone started to ring, at first she was going to ignore it, but seeing as it was Catherine she excused herself from the card game for a moment and walked away from the group for a little privacy

'Hi' she answered, looking over her shoulder, happily noting everyone else was still absorbed in the game.

'Hi Sara… How did everyone enjoy the food?'

'Good… Good, I even got a complement from Hodges! And now were playing Jin-Rummy with 4 decks of cards… it's mental…' Sara beamed, and Catherine could just imagine the smile on Sara's face right now.

'Wow… I need to try this food then, that's high praise indeed… Listen… Sara sweetie… Lindsey wants to ask you something, is that ok?' Catherine asked a little unsure, not knowing what Sara's current mood was.

'Sure… I think it's my turn again though…' Sara replied, a little apprehensive as to what Lindsey wanted to say

'That's ok, it won't take long… let me pass you over…'

Sara heard the phone being moved, and then heard a much younger voice. She'd only met Lindsey a handful of times, but instantly recognised the voice.

'Hi Sara'

'Hi Lindsey'

'Me and Mum are going to the Zoo tomorrow, they have Porcupine's there! Have you ever seen a porcupine? Cuz, if you haven't, I could show you, and teach you all about them, if you like?' Lindsey questioned speaking very quickly

'Lindzz… I don't know, I….'

'I'd really like it if you came Sara, Mummy says you've been sad, but I think no one could be sad if they saw a Porcupine, or an Okapi, they've got them too…we could have Ice Cream or Candy Floss, or whatever you want. I'll even spent my pocket money so we can get some of those silly photos from that little box… Please Sara, Please?' she almost begged

'Oh… Lindsey… I… I'm… Poorly… at the moment, I don't know if it's such a good idea…'

'That's exactly why it's such a good idea. We'll pick you up at 9.30' Lindsey said, hanging up the phone before Sara could object or say no.

Sighing Sara turned around and walked back towards the game 'Sorry' she said waving her phone, but not elaborating any further 'Where were we?'

Xxxx

A few hours later only Jim, Sara and Grissom were left, everyone else having left to get some sleep or to run various errands. Sara started to clean everything up in the kitchen.

'It's alright Sara, you don't need to do that' Grissom said gently placing his hand on the small of her back.

'I know, I want too' came her quiet response

'I know, but it's ok, it can wait… it's gone 11, and to be honest, I need to sleep a little…'

'Oh…..' Sara dropped the dishcloth that was in her hands

'Sara, I didn't mean it like that…'

'No?' Sara questioned, turning away from him

'Sara please, it's been a really nice morning, but I think we all need sleep' Brass cut in placing his hand on her shoulder

Sara just nodded and pulled away from him, gathering the last of the food she walked out of Grissom's house without a word.

Brass followed closely after her, mumbling an apology to Grissom as he went.

'Sara… Sara wait up…' he called after her

'What?' She snapped, spinning around to face him.

'You know Grissom wasn't throwing us out because of anything that happened, he just really is tired, he's been awake for nearly 18 hours… Don't take it personally ok?'

Sara turned back towards the car without saying anything.

10 minutes later Brass pulled up outside Sara's flat.

'What's going on Sara? You were ok until you got that phone call, and then you got really quiet…'

'Nothing' Sara snapped again getting out of the car and walking towards the park near where she lived

'Sara!' Brass called after her, following.

'Just leave me alone, please…'

'You know I can't do that Sara…'

'Why? I'm not drinking, I don't have anything sharp, nothing to jump off….'

'Don't talk like that honey…'

'Please Jim… I just need some space….'

Brass just looked at her, taking in her tired demeanour, her pale face, and tears forming in her eyes 'Ok… Ok…. Half an hour, then please, come up to the flat…'

Sara barely nodded in understanding, before turning once more and walking away.

Brass just watched her walk away, and then reluctantly turned himself, grabbing the food out of the car.

Xxx

It was almost 40 minutes later that Brass heard the door to the flat open. He had been trying not to panic, and kept having to tell himself 'one more minute, one more minute'

'Hey' Sara said looking a little sheepish 'I'm sorry…'

'It's ok… why don't I make you a cup of tea, and then we can talk…'

'Ok…'

Brass set about making some tea, and then settled onto the sofa next to Sara. He passed her the steaming mug, but didn't say anything, waiting for her to start.

'Catherine rang earlier… no, that's a lie… Lindsey rang earlier…'

'Oh… What did the munchkin want?'

'She wants me to go to the Zoo tomorrow…'

'Oh… is this what this is about?'

'Yeah… I guess…I don't know if I can…'

'Why not Sara? You love Catherine, and want to be with her, Lindsey is part of that deal, you know that…'

'It's not that…'

'What then?'

'What if she hates me? What if I have another bad day…another fog… even with the damn meds I'm still not doing great… I'm sick of always having to have company, I've barely been by myself lately… I don't keep company well. What if I scare her, or do or say the wrong thing? I don't know if she evens knows about me and Cat, or about what I'm going through… I mean, how do you explain that to a nine year old?'

'Oh Sara… You really are silly you know'

Sara just looked at him in confused disgust

'If Catherine didn't want you to spend time with Lindsey, she wouldn't have let Lindsey ring you. If you want to be with Catherine, you need to spend time with her Daughter. If you take your meds, and keep calm, you should be ok, if you get overwhelmed, you just need to say, trust me, Catherine will understand. As for what Lindsey does or doesn't understand, don't worry about it for now, just enjoy the day. You know it's not recommended you be by yourself for now… you also know snapping at Grissom like that was unneeded and unfair… and a tell of needing your next dose of Lithium… But, here's the deal Sara… the Zoo is a 40 minute drive away, right?'

Sara just nodded

'Ok, drive yourself, and meet them there, if it really gets too much, you can leave without making them leave… for now though, have your meds, get some sleep, and when you wake up, phone Catherine and explain how you feel, ok? It's been a long day for you Sara, but I know everyone had a really good time and enjoyed your food, so be proud of that. Now… meds and sleep' he ordered, placing his hand on her shoulder.

Xxx

Enjoyed? 3 chapters in the past day or so… wow

Thanks for reading again, Emz


	38. Messages

Sara was glad to find that when she woke up about 5 hours later, not only was she feeling refreshed and well rested, but that she had two text messages and one voicemail on her phone. Sitting up in bed she listened to the voicemail

'Hi Sara…' came the male voice 'Sorry I missed breakfast earlier, Nick said it was amazing. I settled for a breakfast at the Diner after finishing my double shift… Got talking to Dani… things are looking good… Anyway, hope to speak to you soon, later' Warrick's voice finished. Sara curled her toes a little in excitement, hoping that things would progress well with Warrick's latest crush.

Opening the text messages, she saw she had one from Grissom and one from Catherine. Opting to read Grissom's first, she opened it

'All entertaining and no sleep makes Gilbert a very grumpy boy'' it started, playing on the saying 'all work and no play' the message went on to read 'breakfast really was great Sara, and just what everyone needed. Sorry about earlier, really needed to sleep, hope you got some sleep too. Looking forward to when you are back at work, Gx'

Sara quickly replied

'Me 2, and thanks… sleep was a good shout all round, Sx'

Stretching a little more Sara opened the message she was most looking forward to reading, Catherine's

'Who knew a 9yr/old could have such xpensive taste! $200 dollars on books, toys&clothes! Nice way 2 spend day tho. We're both really looking forward 2 2moro… missed you 2day… call me, Cxxx'

Sara didn't even hesitate, pressing the call button straight away, and was happy when it barely rang before being answered

'Hey sweetie!' Catherine beamed into the phone

'Hi Cat'

'How are you feeling?' Catherine asked, her voice full of care

'Good, a little in shock at Lindsey's spending habits, but also impressed, how many books did she get?'

Catherine couldn't help but chuckle, of course this was the one bit of information that Sara would latch on to the most '7 in the end, 4 from the thrift shop, and 3 new… a good mix to, a couple on wildlife, two Jacqueline Wilson, two other novels, and even a junior encyclopaedia.. I didn't even ask her to get it, in fact, she begged, it was nearly $30!'

'That's actually a really good price Cat, who published it?'

'Smithsonian, I think'

'That's one of the best ones, Hey, I could give Lindsey my O.E.D if you like, if she's in that kinda thing now… also, you really should get her the Readers Digest Reverse Dictionary, that is absolutely brilliant! Makes it so much more interesting and captivating..' Sara trailed off 'I'm sounding like a geek, aren't I?

Catherine couldn't help but laugh 'Yes, but a very lovable and cute geek'

All Sara could do was smile into the phone, after a beat or two Catherine started to speak

'Lindsey's so excited about tomorrow Sara; she's been wanting to go to the Zoo for ages!'

Sara sighed 'Cat…'

Catherine picked up in the trepidation in Sara's voice 'You don't want to go?' she questioned

'No, it's not that… I'm just… nervous… I don't want to ruin the day if I have another…fog… and…and I don't want to scare Lindsey' Sara admitted

'Oh sweetie! You won't scare her…'

'What if I do? I'm scared myself…' Sara whispered

'Why?' Catherine questioned calmly

'Because I love you, so very very much, and if Lindsey doesn't like me, or can't accept me, then I'll have to lose you….'

'Oh Sara… You won't lose me, and Lindsey's going to love you, she has good taste like her mother'

Catherine could hear Sara take in a deep breath, and so continued to talk, to reassure Sara

'Sara, love, I explained what's going on to Lindsey a little bit, she knows your, sad, so to say, and pregnant, she also knows your my girlfriend, and it was actually her idea to ask you to the Zoo, even when she learnt all of this. She believes a nice day out, will cheer you up, and she wants to get to know you, spend time with you, with us… I know a lot is happening Sara, but Sara, she won't hate you'

Sara nodded in to the phone 'Ok' she whispered

'Ok?'

'Ok, I'll come to the Zoo' Sara clarified

'Good, so, can we pick you up at 9.30 then?' Catherine asked

'No… I mean, is it ok if I meet you there? In case I can't cope, or if I get overwhelmed, I wouldn't want you to both have to leave because of me…'

'If you get overwhelmed, will you be… capable… of driving?' Catherine questioned, hoping to not sound to accusatory or doubtful

'I… I don't know' Sara admitted 'But, I need to not feel…trapped… if I have an out, maybe it will help?'

'I understand sweetie, I really do, but let's comprise ok, me and Lindsey pick you up, and if it's too much, you can go sit in the car until you feel better, and if it really doesn't pass, we can leave together, or we can get one of the boys to pick you up? Besides, I have a feeling that Lindzz would love to show you some of her new books on the drive over?'

'Ok' Sara agreed, relaxing and smiling again, happy that talking with Catherine had worked out, just like Brass had told her it would 'So, tell me about the rest of your day, what else did you and the munchkin get up too? Sara asked, wanting to hear Catherine's voice for a little longer.

'Ahh, after the shopping we went for Lunch at the Diner, Warrick was there looking a little… smitten with one of the servers! I had to try so hard to make sure Lindsey didn't notice and ruin the mood…'

'Describe it, I need to hear more!' Sara said curling her toes again

'Ok ok… so, this server, dark eyes, completely toned, olive complexion, a man!'

'I know' Sara giggled

'You do?'

'Yeah, he told me the other night, he's called Dani, and Nick is after the lady from the Deli, Julia… anyway, tell me what happened!'

'Well, I couldn't tell too much, as I was trying to keep Lindzz distracted, but judging by their smiles, I think it looks promising… anyone, this guy, Dani, ended up being our server, but he kept glancing over at Warrick, who was at the counter, when he took the order. Warrick clocked us, and waved, but didn't approach us until he was leaving… I don't know if he was embarrassed or what, or just not wanting to have Lindzz jump all over him… anyways… after that we went for a walk around the park, which Lindsey loved as there was this really sweet older couple who let her play with their dog for a while… Now Lindsey's watching Thumbelina for about the 100th time this year alone…'

'Wow, busy day!'

'Very, how about you sweetie? How did the crazy card game go?'

'Oh, really good, everyone had a good time, and I, mostly, held it together…'

'Mostly?' Catherine questioned

'Ahh… Yeah… I got a little… off, with Griss, when my meds were wearing off, and I was more tired than I realised…feeling much much better for sleeping…'

'Good, I'm glad to hear it'

'Cat…about last night…'

'Don't worry about it Sara, not now, I don't want to get into it right now'

'Ok… so, I can't be sad if I see a Porcupine right?'

'Nope, not according to Lindsey anyway, and you know what, I think she could be right'

'Me too' Sara smiled 'I gotta go… nature's calling… god, it's only gonna get worse as I get bigger isn't it?' Sara questioned, rubbing her belly

'Oh yes!'

'Great!' sighed Sara 'See you tomorrow Cat'

'Bye Sweetie'

Getting out of bed, Sara made her way to the bathroom to relief herself before jumping into the shower. She really was feeling good, and certainly felt a lot lighter after having spoken to Catherine.

Xxx

The next day come around quickly, and Sara, and Brass, were happy to note that Sara's mood had stayed on an up. It was 9.25 and Sara was pacing the room, expecting a knock at her door any moment now, but still jumped a mile when it came.

Before she could walk over to answer it however, Brass had beaten her too it, and as he opened the door he saw Lindsey standing there

'Hey Kiddo' he said crouching a little

'Uncle Jim!' Lindsey shrieked, not having expected to see him, throwing her arms around him. Jim straightened up, pulling the little girl with him

'I'm happy to see you too!' he chuckled, spinning her a little, before placing her back down

'Are you coming to the Zoo too?' Lindsey questioned, not understanding why else he would be there

'Nah, not today little one, I have boring grown up chores to-do, like laundry' Brass pretended to shudder at the thought, causing Lindsey to giggle.

Sara just watched them interact for a moment, her nerves melting away

'Hey Lindsey' she called, moving to stand so Lindsey could see her from where she stood

'Hi' Lindsey said with a wide smile

'Where's your Mum?' she questioned

'In the car park… she let me come up by myself…'

'Ok… well… let me just grab my bag, and then we can go…'

'Ok… bye Uncle Jim' Lindsey said turning around

'Bye Kiddo'

'Bye Jim' Sara said, walking past him, placing a small kiss on the side of his face as she passed.

Moments later they were walking down the stairs of Sara's building, Sara living on the third floor of a building whose elevator rarely worked.

Suddenly Lindsey piped up 'Are you kissing and cuddling Uncle Jim as well as my Mummy?'

Xxx

A/n ahhh… the curiosity and bluntness of young children…. Sara will react shortly… review if you can, thanks again, Emz


	39. Porcupine Facts

Sara stumbled, and had to brace herself against the wall 'What?' she choked out

'Well Mum says you've got a baby living in you, and you need a man to make them, and Uncle Jim was at your house…'

Sara couldn't help but burst out laughing, trying to catch her breath 'No… No sweetie… No…'

'But you just kissed him…' Lindsey said frowning, not understanding why Sara was laughing

'Yes, I did…' Sara straightened up a little 'I kissed him just like you kiss your Mum, nothing more, I only kiss your Mum romantically… truth is Lindsey, I made a few mistakes, and I don't know who the daddy is of my little baby, but it's not Uncle Jim… Your Uncle Jim, is my Dad. He's adopting me… Do you know what that means?' Sara questioned, rubbing at her tummy with a smile on her face

'Yeah…It's where someone who cares for you, cares for you, and you have to go to court to become a family when you're not actually family, right? I have some friends with two mummies and two daddies… so, it's like that right? He's replacing your real daddy?' Lindsey questioned, looking thoughtful

Sara's breath hitched a little at Lindsey's wisdom and insight 'Yeah Lindsey, but Uncle Jim is a much better dad than my father was… he's helping me feel not so poorly.'

Lindsey nodded 'So you're only having Sex with Mum?'

Sara choked again at Lindsey's bluntness 'Yeah… Yeah, if that's ok with you? I really like your Mum… she's a great person, and she's helping me too, just like Jim…'

'Yeah, that's ok Sara…'

Lindsey started walking down the stairs again, and then paused once more

'I hope you stop being sad Sara' she said simply before turning once more.

Sara sighed, before following 'Me too Lindzz, me too' she whispered.

A few minutes later Sara joined Lindsey at the car, and was torn between sitting in the back so she could talk with Lindsey some more, or sitting in the front so she could speak to Catherine as she drove, before she could make up her mind however, Lindsey grabbed her arm and spoke up

'Come sit in the back with me Sara, I bought one of my new books to show you…'

'Ok… Ok…' Sara climbed into the back so she was sat behind Catherine, and leaned through the gap so she could place a quick kiss on her lips 'Morning' she mumbled into the embrace. She could feel Catherine's lips curling up into a smile

'Morning babe, ready to go?'

'Yeah, good weather, good company, crazy animals too see, I hope it will be a good day'

'It will be… buckle up' Catherine said smiling, turning her attention to Lindsey 'seat belt Lindsey' she repeated, starting the engine.

Throughout the ride, Lindsey pointed out different facts and bits of interesting information from her encyclopaedia, for the most part Sara just let her talk, but a few times she piped up with some extra information that the book hadn't had room to publish, or offered to teach Lindsey more about the subject that had grabbed Lindsey's attention. The 40 minute journey to the Zoo sped by, and before they knew it, Catherine was pulling the car into a parking space.

'Lindzz, Sar, were here…' looking in the rear view mirror she saw them both grinning

'Can you teach me more about Butterflies later Sara?'

'I can try, but really, you should ask Uncle Gil, bugs are his speciality, he's an Entomologist, he studies them for his job, and for fun, he could talk to you for hours about it… any, we're at the Zoo now, and it's your turn to teach me all about Porcupine's' Sara said with a genuine smile, winking at Catherine before getting out of the car.

'Thank you' Catherine mouthed so Lindsey wouldn't hear. Sara just shrugged, a smirk on her face, so much to say 'It's nothing'

Lindsey hopped out of the car, and before Sara and Catherine could even hug or say a proper hello to one another, she had grabbed both of their hands and was dragging them towards the main gate of the Zoo.

They'd been walking around the Zoo for just over an hour, all hand in hand, ignoring the people who were staring at them, instead focusing on looking at the animals. So far they had seen Flamingos, Ostrich, various Goats, a Silver Fox, and a few other animals. They were approaching the reptile house when Sara paused, dropping her hold on Lindsey's hand

'Cat…'

'Yeah?'

'Where's the toilet block?'

'Oh…' Catherine spun around 'Here…' she pointed 'Just at the corner of the reptile house…'

Sara just nodded, before quickly walking away without a word.

'Is Sara ok?' Lindsey asked, trying not to get distracted by the Giraffe and Zebra she could see a little way off.

'Yeah… Yeah…' Catherine said distractedly, hoping it was true.

It was nearly five minutes later before Sara returned an awkward smile on her face 'Sorry… bladder…there was a queue…'

'Are you ok?' Catherine questioned, hoping Sara would understand her double meaning

'Better… I just needed a minute… I really did need the bathroom, but I also needed my meds… I didn't want an audience…' Sara said quietly

Catherine nodded in understanding, before reaching out and taking Sara's left hand in her own.

Lindsey walked ahead into the reptile house, which was fairly dark, and rather warm. Lindsey was fascinated with nearly everything she saw in there, reading as much information as she could, hoping she would remember it later. It was relatively quiet inside, and the atmosphere helped to relax Sara a little. They were standing looking at a display of geckos, when Catherine noticed that Sara was shaking a little

'Are you ok?' she whispered in the quiet building

'Yeah…' Sara whispered back

Catherine didn't question it, but wasn't convinced by Sara's answer. As they walked further around the reptile house, Sara's shake got worse

'Sara… you're shaking…'

'No… No, I'm fine…' Sara stated, trying to tighten her grip on Catherine's hand, but being unable too. Catherine pulled her hand away

'Hold your hands out in front of you….'

Sara sighed, but complied, her left hand trembling a lot, especially her index finger, her little finger held at on odd angle

'Sara, why are you shaking?'

'It's nothing Cat… really, it's just… just that stupid nerve damage I told you about…it's just my hand… it's been worse…'

'Sara…' Catherine sighed, worrying that it could be so much more

'Really Cat, I've been living with it for years… sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse… but it's almost always there… I've just never told anyone before, so no one's noticed or asked… no one normally holds my left hand… really, I'm fine. I promise…' Sara said, holding out her right hand for Catherine to take instead.

'Ok… I just… I worry about you…' she whispered, taking her hand and stepping closer, pulling Sara in for a kiss 'I love you Sara, I don't like to see you hurting'

Sara just looked at Catherine stupidly for a minute

'What?' Catherine questioned

'You just… You….' Sara stammered

'Yeah… I did…' Catherine beamed, realising herself what she had just told Sara for the first time, and realising that she meant it, she really meant it.

Both women had huge grins on their faces, and leant towards each other to kiss again, as they pulled back Sara whispered 'I love you Cat'

'I love you too Sara'

'Ewwww!' Lindsey called out 'Stop acting like teenagers!' breaking the moment, pulling on both of their shirts, dragging them towards a display of bearded dragons.

Soon enough they found themselves looking at a family of Porcupines. If they thought Lindsey had been excited about seeing the other animals before, they had been wrong, now she was so excited she was almost hyper.

'Oh my God!' she squealed 'Look Sara…' Sara couldn't help but grin, and then, even though Lindsey was a little big, she picked her up so she was half on her side, half in a piggy-back

'So, what can you tell me about them?... Without looking at the facts board?' Sara questioned. 'Well… they can climb trees…and live about 18 years, and they're giant Rodents, and when a baby porcupine is born, it's quills are much softer… and they just look really funny… but they're really bright… they normally have twin babies… and did I mention how funny they look…. Look, see Sara…' Lindsey said excitedly pointing at the larger porcupine that was half running half waddling up and down the enclosure

'So they climb trees eh?' Sara questioned

'Yeah… I'd love to see it one day, but they haven't really got any to climb here… I could show you a video later though? If you like?'

'I'd love that, I really would' Sara said, placing Lindsey back down on the ground 'But, how about, in a few minutes, after we've watched the Porcupines for a little longer, we get something to eat? This baby keeps demanding that I eat, and I don't think your Mum would be happy if I ate you for dinner!' Sara exclaimed

Lindsey couldn't help but giggle 'People don't eat people!'

'Sure they do, it's just frowned upon… a lot, by many people… but ok, I won't eat you, but I might steal some of your Lunch!' Lindsey giggled again, and Catherine just smiled, watching how easily her two favourite people were currently interacting.

Xxx

a/n short but sweet, now for sleep! More soon, Emz.


	40. Nancy

Lunch had been nice, there was a 'help yourself' buffet style set up, and so Lindsey had picked man'n'cheese, Catherine a large mixed salad with chicken, and Sara had opted for a Jacket Potato with baked beans and pineapple, ignoring the looks that the Willows women gave her. Even when it was cold, Sara kept eating it. Throughout the meal she had been up and down to the bathroom at least 3 times, and another couple of times as they walked around the rest of the Zoo. After the second time of this happening Catherine had stopped asking, remembering just how bad her bladder had been when she was expecting Lindsey. She did feel sorry for Sara though, knowing it would only get worse the further her pregnancy progressed.

Before leaving, Lindsey had begged to go back and see the Porcupine's one last time, and on the way had been distracted by the Okapis and Flamingos, then they had spent nearly half an hour looking around the gift shop, looking for souvenir's. They'd already gotten some photos done in the booth, but naturally Lindsey wanted something else, and she had wanted to buy something for Sara. Eventually she settled on a cuddly flamingo for herself, and a postcard with a Porcupine on for Sara, and then she saw a pair of earrings for her Mum. Buying the items, she hovered near the counter, writing a message for Sara on the back of the card, by the time she was done over an hour had passed since Sara had quietly admitted to wanting to leave as she was feeling rather tired.

She had walked ahead to the car, wanting the peace and quiet, and had quickly fallen asleep in the front seat, not noticing when Catherine and Lindsey eventually joined her.

Catherine pointed out to Lindsey that Sara was asleep, and so not to wake her, and the drive back had been quiet, Lindsey falling asleep herself at some point.

Catherine glanced at her two sleeping passengers as she drove, trying to decide what to do for the best – drive Sara back to her apartment, or to drive back to her own house. She was aware that it was later in the day then she thought it would be, and that she would be having to go to work in 6 hours and would need to sleep for a little beforehand, she was also aware that Lindsey had school in the morning, and she still had to sort her lunch, check her homework, and see to a little laundry. Catherine decided, perhaps a little selfishly, that she would drive back to her own place. She would either take Sara back to her apartment before work, or ask Jim to pick her up.

She was so happy that Sara had made it through the day with little incidence beyond a dodgy bladder and a shaking hand, and to be honest, as much as she needed to sleep, she didn't want the day with Lindsey and Sara to end.

About 15 minutes later Catherine pulled into her driveway, reaching her hand over, she gently woke Sara up 'Wake up sleepy head…'

Sara blinked a few times before sending Catherine a sleepy smile 'You're so beautiful' she mumbled, closing her eyes again. 'Come on….' Catherine said, rubbing Sara's leg 'You can't stay in the car…'

Sara blinked again, looking around, slightly confused with her surroundings 'Where are we?' she questioned stretching a little.

'At mine… I need to do a few things before work, and Lindsey has school… Do you want me to ring Brass to come pick you up?'

Sara shook her head no 'No, it's ok… I don't want to leave just yet…I wanna sleep more…'

Catherine smiled, leaning over to kiss Sara softly 'Ok, just not in the car alright… come on…' Catherine got out of the car, and opened Lindsey's door, gently waking her up too. 'Lindzz, Baby, we're home…'

'Ok….' Lindsey grumbled a little but got up, knowing she was too big to ask to be carried.

Sara stepped in the Catherine's home, she'd been there twice before, once for a party, and once when she'd picked Catherine up on the way to a scene. She felt a little nervous however, as this was the first time she'd been there since getting involved with the slightly older woman

'Cat?' she called, looking around 'Where's the bathroom?'

'Just through the kitchen, on your left, or first door on your right at the top of the stairs…'

'Ok….' Sara called, dashing up the stairs which were nearest

'Again?' Catherine called after her

'Again' Sara shouted back.

Catherine left Sara too it, looking at her still sleepy Daughter 'You need to grab any dirty clothes you have if you want me to wash them, then you best have a quick bath, Mummy's got work in a few hours, and I really need to sleep…'

'No laundry… it can wait, I've got some clean clothes at Aunt Nancy's I can wear to school…'

'Ok, what about homework?' Catherine questioned, going to sort out her own laundry.

'I just need to write about what I did this weekend for English… I did the rest already…'

'You know I need to check Lindsey…'

'I know…' Lindsey said, walking away to find her school bag.

About 20 minutes later, Catherine had checked through most of Lindsey's homework, only having to go through 2 maths problems with her, whilst Lindsey had written a little bit about her weekend.

'Ok… so, bath or shower Lindzz?'

'Neither' Lindsey protested

'Please Lindsey, I'm too tired to argue, you need to have your hair washed ready for school, and you need to do so before Nancy picks you up at 9…'

'Ok, I'll shower, but I'm a big girl, I can do it myself…'

'Remember to wash all of the suds out of your hair this time then, and to brush your teeth…'

'Yes Mum' Lindsey said, following Catherine upstairs.

Catherine tentatively knocked on the bathroom door, wondering if Sara was still in there, when she didn't get an answer, she slowly opened the door, and peaked her head around, but found it empty. She headed towards her bedroom, wondering if perhaps Sara had walked in there, but found that empty too. Then she noticed her en-suite door was open, and so calling out, she walked in, and found Sara there, topless, looking at herself in the full length mirror. Turning slightly, to check Lindsey wasn't behind her, she called out, for both their benefits 'Lindsey, I don't hear the water running….'

She was answered with the sound of the bathroom door closing, and a few moments later, the water starting.

She turned to Sara, and called out softly, not knowing if Sara had heard her exchange with her Daughter. 'Sara… what are you doing?' she stepped a little closer

'Looking' Sara answered softly, tilting her head at an angle, so as to see her body more closely.

'Why?' Catherine asked, stepping a little closer still

'Because… there's a baby inside me….'

'Oh Sweetie… that isn't a bad thing'

'No… just, odd' Sara frowned, tugging her waistband down a little 'In a few months, hopefully, my stomach will look like a tic-tac-toe grid, with stretch marks going down, and my scars going across…'

'Yes, and you'll still be beautiful Sara… I don't care about any of that…'

'I do…' Sara admitted, turning away from the mirror 'I don't have much body confidence as it is, I already feel fat, I'm going to get fatter, my body is going to keep changing, and I won't recognise myself anymore, I already don't…and my god damned bladder…. Every time it feels like I could fill a bucket, and hardly anything happens, I'm sick of it Cat….and I'm tired….'

'Yes, and probably overdue some certain prescriptions… look… I want to get some sleep before work, why don't you join me? We can rest together…'

'I don't want to intrude' Sara admitted, turning back to the mirror

'You aren't, I want you here Sara, in bed, with me, I just need to get Lindsey settled with a movie, or in her own bed for a little while…please stay?' Catherine asked, standing behind Sara, looking at her through the mirror. If Catherine hadn't been watching closely, she would have missed the slight nod that she was given as answer.

'You are beautiful Sara, never doubt that… get into bed ok, there's some clothes in the top of the dresser you can wear… I'll join you as soon as I can, ok?'

Sara just nodded again, leaning her body back into Catherine's a little. Placing a kiss on Sara's shoulder, Catherine turned away too see to Lindsey.

20 minutes later, Catherine quietly slipped back into her room, and shed her clothes. Pulling on a loose T-shirt, but nothing else, she slipped into the bed next to a gently snoring Sara, and pulled her close

'I love you Sara, don't ever doubt that either' she whispered, drifting to sleep herself within minutes.

Xxx

Catherine wasn't sure for how long she slept, but the next think she was aware of, was somebody muttering and shaking her shoulder a little roughly. Blinking a few times, she looked up to see who it was, expecting it to be Lindsey, and so jumped a little when she saw that it was her sister, Nancy.

'Nance….' She whispered trying to sit up in bed a little, but finding it difficult with Sara curled against her body

'Lindsey said you had company… here I was thinking that perhaps it was some cheap pick up from a bar, or hell, one of the guy's from work…' Nancy said, almost shouting, not bothering to keep her voice down 'But no, it's worse, it's that Sidle woman from work…. What are you thinking Catherine?'

'That's none of your business Nancy!' Catherine hissed, looking down at Sara, hoping she was still asleep.

'I think it is… have you even thought about Lindsey, at all?'

'Yes, first and always….'

'Then why?' Nancy almost shouted

'Please Nancy, don't shout….' Catherine said, looking worriedly back down at Sara.

'Fine… but this isn't over… I'll drop Lindsey back after school, but Jeremy's got soccer practice first, so it will be about 4….'

Catherine just nodded, not knowing what to say or how to respond. 5 minutes later she heard her front door slam shut. Looking down at Sara, she saw brown eyes staring back at her.

'Sar….'

'Don't…' Sara mumbled, wiping at her eyes and rolling to her other side

'Please Sara….'

'Are you ashamed of me?' Sara mumbled, scratching at her arm again

'No… No of course not…'

'But you haven't told anyone about me?'

'That's not true, or fair Sara…. Please, stop scratching…' she said, trying to cover Sara's hand with her own.

Sara just jerked her body away 'Was it so bad to be found in bed with me? I heard everything…'

Catherine just sighed, recognising it for what it was, Sara's usual lack of self-confidence, plus the hormones from her pregnancy, and most likely the fact she had failed to take her prescription earlier, again.

'Then you'll know Nancy never gave me chance to explain

'You never even tried Catherine…'

'Sara… please don't be like this, I don't want to fight with you….'

Sara didn't answer, but she did stop scratching at her arms

They fall into an awkward silence, which eventually Sara broke

'I thought I was dreaming… at first…' she whispered, her voice uneven 'But I felt how tense you became, and I knew it was real… and I got scared… I'm sorry…'

'It's ok Sara, really… but…I need to ask you something, ok?'

Sara nodded, wiping away the last of her tears

'Are you up to date with your medicine? It's important you take them, and you know how bad you feel if you miss them…'

'I know…' Sara confessed 'But no… I haven't taken them'


	41. CSI Time

'I'm sorry!' Sara blurted out, before Catherine could respond 'I fall asleep, and I missed them…' Sara pushed herself up, and stormed into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

'Sara!' Catherine cried out, throwing her head into her arms, falling back down into the bed. She had to be at work in less than 90 minutes, and knew she'd be in trouble if she missed yet more work, no matter the circumstances. She really didn't know what to do. Leaving Sara in this state wasn't an option, but pushing the matter could also make things worse.

Whilst Catherine was still trying to decide what to do, the bathroom door opened, and Sara walked out, wiping at some tears 'bladder…' she mumbled, not looking up at Catherine, she began to gather her clothes and get dressed.

Once Sara pulled on her trousers, she sat on the edge of the bed, head bent looking at the floor. She wanted to explain to Catherine how she felt, but she had no idea where to start. Sighing, she stood up, and walked towards the door. 'I'm going to call Brass… enjoy work….'

'Sara… Sara wait….' Catherine almost shouted, getting up from the bed.

Sara paused at the door, her hand on the handle

'I'm sorry Nancy said what she did, and I'm sorry the day was too much for you…but you need to look after yourself, your prescription…'

Sara interrupted her 'I know, it's important, and all that crap, I didn't mean to miss them again Cat, but I fall asleep, ok, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that about 17 years of little sleep is finally catching up with me, I'm sorry for being a burden, and I'm sorry I keep fucking up!' Sara began crying, but as Catherine reached out a hand, and placed it on her shoulder, Sara shrugged it away

'I need to go….' She opened the door, and stormed out, calling Brass from outside, not caring that it was currently raining.

All Catherine could do was watch from the bedroom window, until she knew Sara was safely in Brass's company, and then she reluctantly got ready for work, hoping it would be a busy night so she could keep herself distracted.

Xxx

When Nancy had dropped Lindsey off after school, she hadn't come into the house for a coffee like she normally did, but had sent a text from the car 'have to work tonight, Mum having Lindzz as Jeremy going to his dads, Mum said she'd be over by 9.30'

Catherine read the message and threw her phone down. Dealing with an overly emotional Sara would be one thing, but also having Nancy to deal with, and presumably her Mum later was a whole other nightmare.

Almost 3 days had past, and Catherine hadn't heard a word from Sara, and had barely gotten any news from Brass either. She hoped that for once the adage 'No news is good news' was actually true, and not just wishful thinking.

Xxx

'Brass… can you pick me up please?' Sara whispered, her voice shaking, as she stood outside in the rain.

'Sure Sara, when?'

'Now…please… please….'

'On my way…' Brass said hanging up and rushing out the door, he knew instantly that something was wrong, and he almost couldn't drive fast enough.

Brass made it to Catherine's in half the time it normally took, but was still very anxious that it wasn't quick enough. Sara had sounded so vulnerable on the phone, and he had no idea why. Pulling up, his anger and concern only increased when he saw that Sara was standing out in the rain. Reaching over he opened the door for her, and as soon as she was in the car, he drove off again. The questions would have to wait, right now he wanted to get her home safe, somewhere warm and dry.

He tried his best to ignore Sara's sniffles, knowing it was best to give her a minute or two before cornering her about what an earth had happened, but it was hard. He kept glancing over at her, after the fifth time, Sara snapped

'Eyes on the road!' and turned further away from him.

Luckily the rest of the drive didn't take too long, and soon both Brass and Sara were hurrying out of the car, out of the rain, and into Sara's building.

Almost immediately though, Sara stormed into her room, pulled of her wet clothes, and then threw herself under the covers, tears now coming thick and fast.

Jim was getting really worried, and didn't know what to do. If he phoned Catherine, he would get a straight answer, but no understanding of Sara's mind set, if he confronted Sara, she could get defensive, or worse, lie.

Deciding to try and reach a middle ground, he put the kettle on, found Sara's hot water bottle and dressing gown, and set about making Sara warmer, and hopefully, more comfortable. He quickly sent a message to Catherine which read 'S home safe, msg u later. Hope ur okay, Brass'

Knocking gently on Sara's door, Jim stepped in before she had chance to tell him to go away.

'Here….' He placed the tea on the side, and handed her the gown and bottle 'You'll catch a chill….'

Sara just sniffled, but took the items, slipping the robe on, then hugging the bottle closely to her body.

'What happened?' He asked, sitting on the edge of the bed

'I don't wanna talk about it'

'You have to at some point Sara…'

Sara shook her head 'Not yet…please, not yet…' sitting up a little more in bed, she reached for the tea, and mumbled her thanks.

'Sara….I want to help…'

'I know…but it's not your fault I keep screwing up Jim…'

'Why do you say that, what did you screw up?'

'Everything… I was overdue my meds, again, then fall asleep… then Nancy… I… I heard everything…'

'Nancy?' Brass questioned a little confused

'Catherine's sister… she caught us sleeping in bed together…'

'Oh…' Brass tried to smile 'That's not too bad though, is it? It isn't her business…'

'I… I reacted badly, to how Cat reacted… she thought I was asleep, but I wasn't… I heard everything… I'd fallen asleep, and missed my meds, still…again… God, I still haven't had them, I was so angry…'

'Sara….'

'Don't Brass, don't you think I've heard the lecture enough!' Sara snapped, her hand curling tightly into a fist

'Then why do you keep missing them?'

'I don't know…' Sara sighed, sounding tired and defeated

'Yes you do' Brass challenged, feeling the need to shock Sara into admitting what was going on.

Sara just looked at him, and he matched her stare, eventually she looked away

'I… I don't like taking them, and I don't like being seen to take them, or I've been sleeping, or lost track of time… I'm…. I'm scared to admit, just how much I need them, how much they help level me, because I don't want them Jim, I really don't want them, they messed up my Mum, and they're messing me up. I wish so badly I'd never gone to that damn club, that I'd never met Rose, that'd we'd never gone to that Hotel, that I hadn't slept with her, that she hadn't died… God Jim, it hurts so much, being treated like I'm glass, having to deal with all of this, no one understands what this feels like, what I've been through, what I'm going through, and I just keep fucking it all up…I'm scared Dad…I'm really scared!' By now Sara was in floods of tears, barely coherent, sometimes shouting, sometimes choking on her own words. Brass tried to place a comforting hand on her leg, but she just shrugged it away.

'I know you're scared kiddo, but we can fix this, ok?'

'How?' Sara eventually got out

'Well, we'll start small, set alarms to prompt you to have the medications at the right time, so then even if your asleep, or have company, you can take them… how does that sound?'

Sara nodded slightly, trying to dry her tears away.

'Everything else Sara, you know you can't change, we just need to improve, ok?'

Sara nodded again, and slid further down into the bed

'Let's see your prescription….'

'In my bag…' Sara mumbled, rolling onto her side

'Ok…' Brass got up to receive them, and then looked at the pots, the dosage instructions, and how often they should be taken

'Ok… have you had any of them today?'

'Yeah… I had Prozac and Lithium at the Zoo a little before lunch, all 3 with breakfast…'

'Ok…' Brass pulled out his note pad, and wrote something down

'Well, today you seem fine with the Prozac levels, that's morning and noon… same with the Disulfiram, once a day…it's the Lithium you miss the most… no wonder you're still a little up and down love, it's the Bipolar drug…'

'I know what it is' Sara snapped

'I know you do Sara… look… why don't we set you up on a night time schedule, you're typically used to being up then anyway, working Grave… and, hopefully, you'll be getting back to work soon… how does that sound? Then, if you need to sleep during the day, you can….ok?'

'Ok….'

'Great… so… It's nearly 9.30 now, shift starts at 10, right?'

Sara nodded

'Ok… so… here, take all 3…' Sara took them with the last of her cold tea

'So… you need more Lithium and Prozac in… 4-6 hours, so let's call it 5, so that would be… 2.30… and then more Lithium at… 7.30…' Brass took her phone and set the various alarms needed, making sure they'd go off at the same time every day

'See, step one… '

'Thanks…' Sara mumbled, looking up at him

'That's ok Sara… I'm here to help, no matter what it is, ok?'

'What about your vitamins, folic acid that kinda thing?'

'That's fine, it's actually the one thing I automatically do, especially as often that's all I have for breakfast with some juice…' Sara admitted, even though she knew Brass would be disappointed in her.

'I could sit here, and lecture you about the importance of eating Sara, but, again, we can't change what's already happened, and I'd be a hypocrite to do so anyway, it's not like I eat healthily or regularly, so I won't lecture you, just advise you, you're eating for 2 now, you may not feel like eating, but your baby needs you too…'

'I know….'

'Good… now then, do you wanna get out of bed, try and get this body clock realigned for CSI time, or do you want to sleep for a few hours?'

'I don't know…. I'm really tired, but I'm also still a little… out of sorts…'

'I know…'

'Do you think Catherine will forgive me?' Sara asked after a few minutes of silence

'Yeah, with time… but, you're not making it easy on yourself Sara, or easy on her… she told me she'd trust you with her life, with Lindsey's even, but not yours… she really cares for you Sara, but there's only so much we can do, and it hurts to see you keep hurting yourself… do you understand?'

'Yeah… I understand… she told me, she told me she loved me today, at the Zoo…'

'That's great news' Brass beamed

'Yeah… then I fucked it up, not once, not twice, but three times!'

'How?' Brass questioned again

'I wanted to leave… it was all too much… I went out to the car, but still they took ages to leave… I fall asleep in the car. I ruined the day, by asking to leave… before then I'd been back and forth to the bathroom a good half dozen times, and I could tell it was beginning to annoy them… then I found myself staring at my body… we were back at Cat's, and I saw her mirror… no, I looked for her mirror… I stood in front of it for ages, feeling disgusted with my body, myself…. That's when she realised I needed the Lithium… she went to see to Lindzz… I didn't take them, because I fall asleep… then Nancy caught us…. I told Catherine she hadn't even tried to defend me…us… that she was ashamed of me… I said a few other things, than I called you, and I don't know how to fix all of that…'

'What do you want to do about it in the next… half hour?'

'I don't know….I don't know… I left because I was hurt and confused, and she had to get to work… I couldn't stand it if she got into trouble at work because of me… you know what Ecklie's like… And I just really needed some time away from her….'

'Ok… so, right now, you don't know what to do, so do nothing for a little bit longer…sleep maybe…'

'Thanks…'

Brass got up to leave, but Sara stopped him

'Ecklie's offering me compensation, because of what happened…how do I even….'

'Yeah, I know' Brass sat back down again 'Catherine told me… did she tell you how much the maximum claim would be, no question's asked?'

Sara shook her head no

'1.4 million!' Brass exclaimed

'What?' Sara shot up in the bed, eye's blinking

'You heard right… if you want it, it's yours… there's various policies and insurances' in place… Ecklie would hate if you took all of it, but he couldn't deny it, he'd just have to hope no other… mishaps… happened to the lab or anyone else for about… I don't know, a long time after…'

'1.4…' Sara whispered, her mind barely comprehending the huge amount of money, and how her life could be so different if she took every last Nickel.

'So… now that you have a maximum figure, why don't you sleep a little, I'm sure your brain will mull it over whilst you rest…'

Sara nodded, falling back against the pillows, rolling onto her other side, she was asleep within the minute.

Brass stood quietly, pulled the blankets up around her shoulders, and quietly left the room, leaving the door ajar.

Xxx

Sorry it's been a while, It's been a weird week!

Thanks for the reviews mstonks and helly1bradleywyatt, they really do make my day!

The next chapter will deal with the rest of the 3 days since Catherine saw Sara last, and will hopefully be written before Monday.

Thanks again for reading

Emz


	42. Conrad

When Sara's alarm went off about 5 hours later, she took her medicine, and then contemplated going back to sleep, but Brass was right, she would need to soon readjust her body clock to 'CSI Time' Slowly she got out of bed, and decided to jump in the shower, wanting to wash away the last of the cobwebs.

Wrapping herself in a towel and her dressing gown, Sara made her way over to the sofa, where Jim was sat reading more of The Tommyknockers

'Did it work?' he asked, placing the book down

'Yeah, it worked… Thanks'

'No problem'

Sara leant against him, pulling her legs up on to the sofa

'How are you feeling now?' Brass asked, throwing his arm around her shoulder

'B….B…Better' Sara said sneezing, looking a little embarrassed, she then sneezed again.

'Charming!' Brass laughed slightly shoving Sara

'Hahaha!' Sara deadpanned in a sarcastic voice, before sneezing yet again

'Just how long were you stood out in the rain Sara?' Jim questioned, looking at her with concern

'Oh… A good 5 minutes maybe… '

'You've got a chill Sara… let me grab your hot water bottle and get you some tea…'

'Thanks…' Sara mumbled, leaning back on the sofa as Jim stood up

'When are you going to speak to Ecklie?' Brass questioned, not wanting to bring Catherine up just yet

'Oh… Um… I'm allowed to go back to work on Wednesday evening, so Monday I guess…. Tomorrow…'

'Are you ready to go back to work?' he asked, handing her the bottle and mug

'No… I don't know, maybe… I guess I have to talk to Sylvia again… I can go back before my sessions are over, but I can't go out in the field until after I've done the 10… then I'm on probation for a while… I've got a lot to figure out I guess…' Sara took a sip of the tea, and then sneezed again, somehow managing to avoid spilling the hot drink.

'Yeah… what about the money? Catherine explained that the lab would also pay some of the hospital bills, and Sylvia's fees… on top of the compensation that was… '

'Oh… yeah… $823,743.12…' Sara said not batting an eye, taking another sip of the tea.

'That's… oddly, specific…'

'No, it's not, if you work it out… I could go through my maths if you like, but it will take a while…'

'No no, it's ok Sara, if that's what you want, we best sort out the paperwork…'

'Yeah… '

'What will you do with it?' Brass couldn't help but ask

'Well… ultimately, when I'm more settled, and stable, I'll need a bigger place, whether that's with Cat or not, I don't know… then I've got a baby to raise… I'm thinking I could perhaps start a trust, or charity or something with a good portion of it… help people like me… those who have hidden their abuses, and therefor turned to drugs, drinking or self-harm… ' Sara looked down, her words were honest, but they left her feeling fairly exposed.

'I think that's a brilliant idea Sara, I really do.'

'Thanks' she mumbled, smiling a little, before yet another sneeze broke the moment.

'Ok… back to bed for a little bit, you need to rest, you'll get back into the swing of sleeping during the day soon enough'

Sara just smiled and shuffled off towards the bathroom, before crawling back into bed.

When she next awoke to her alarm clock going off, she once again reached for her medicine, and then checked her phone, hoping to have had a message of someone, even Hodges, but found nothing. She wanted to reach out to Catherine, but currently didn't know how to, or even if she was wanted.

Pottering around the house, Sara waited for the office at the hospital to be open so she could make a phone call. She wanted to know if they'd processed her blood results over the weekend, and she wanted to rearrange her session with Sylvia to Tuesday evening, as she was still feeling full of cold and sneezing.

Dialling the now almost familiar number, Sara waited for someone to pick up

'Hello, Desert Palms, Psychiatric department, Tom speaking' a voice said

'Morning Tom, it's Sara… Sara Sidle…'

'Morning Miss Sidle, how can I help today?' came Tom's cheery voice

'I was wondering if my bloodwork came back?'

'One moment….'

She could her typing in the background 'Ah, yes… typical blood counts and functions seem ok, slightly anaemic, so Dr Eloise will prescribe some Iron tablets, and your Lithium levels seem a little low… are you taking them as prescribed?'

'No….' Sara admitted 'I hadn't been, I am now…' sniffling, she sneezed again and mumbled an apology

'Dr Eloise or Dr Sylvia will need to speak to you about this when you come in, will that be this afternoon at 5 still?' Tom asked, sounding a little too cheery

'No, I'm sorry, I've got a bad cold… is Sylvia free tomorrow evening, about 7 perhaps?'

'One moment, let me check her diary… No, I'm sorry, but she is free at 8pm if that suits, Miss Sidle?'

'Sara, please, and yes, thank you Tom…'

'No problem, Sara, see you tomorrow, feel better soon' he replied before hanging up. Sara couldn't help but laugh at this, oh if only he knew, she thought.

Feeling a little peckish, Sara went into the kitchen to grab some food, and although it was still fairly well stocked, she didn't fancy any of what there was. Writing out a shopping list, she jumped a little when she saw that Brass was not only fast asleep on the sofa still, but that he was only wearing pyjama trousers, the blanket having slipped down during his sleep. It's not that she'd forgotten he was there, just that she thought he would have woken up when she'd been walking around the flat earlier, or on the phone just now.

After the shock had worn off, Sara quietly walked back to the bedroom, not wanting to disturb him. She contemplated leaving him a note, and slipping out to the shop around the corner to buy the food and supplies she fancied, but another round of sneezing soon stopped that idea, along with remembering why he was there in the first place.

She'd been awake for nearly 2 hours now, and Brass still hadn't stirred, so Sara once again slipped into bed. She still didn't understand why after having avoided sleep for so many years, she was now feeling drawn to it like a magnet, but for now she wouldn't question it. If the tablets made her a bit unpredictable and difficult during the day, especially with the doses being so up and down, at least, for the most part, the worst of the nightmares were being kept at bay. Another 6 hours passed before she stirred again, the smell of Vegetable Soup drifting in from the kitchen. Sara rolled over and smiled, rubbing her belly. Once again she'd forgotten to eat, but it didn't bother her now, she had soup to enjoy.

Stepping into the bathroom, she freshened up before joining Brass in the kitchen.

'This smells wonderful, thank you'

'No problem… so, the alarm system still working?'

'Yeah… thanks, I did some stuff at 7.30, then phoned the hospital, I'm seeing Sylvia tomorrow at 8pm, and need to start taking iron tablets… they also picked up on the Lithium levels, so yes, the point is even more drummed in, don't worry.

'Ok, that's good Sara, how are you feeling now?'

'Ok, still can't believe I'm sleeping so much though, guess I should enjoy it whilst I can though… '

'Yeah… ' Brass grinned, a look of remembering on his face, although his relationship with his real daughter Ellie was now almost non-existent, he still remembered the first few months all too well.

'How long have you been up?' Sara asked, leaning against the counter

'Couple of hours, heard you briefly on the phone earlier, but I was so tired, I drifted off again…'

'Sorry…'

'Don't be, doesn't matter now anyway…so, what time are you going to see Ecklie?' Brass asked, checking on the soup, and the bread.

'I don't know, I need to ring him I guess… he normally leaves the office at about 11pm, but it depends… I'm not sure if I want to go to the lab just yet though….'

Brass nodded in understanding, but also thought Sara was being a little silly. She'd have to see everyone, including Catherine soon.

'Well, where do you want to meet him then?' he asked

'I don't know… guess I need to ring him first… I'll ring Judy after we've eaten, see if he's in the lab… you never know these days'

'That's true, for an Assistant Director, he doesn't spent too much time actually in the building'

Sara couldn't help but laugh at this, and was very frustrated when she once again sneezed.

A short while later, after having spoken to Judy the receptionist, and then Ecklie himself, Sara was getting ready to meet him at one of the coffee shops near the courthouse, where he'd been explaining evidence on a high profile dayshift case. Brass drove her, but didn't stay, instead saying Sara could either ring him when done, or if she wanted, to call for a taxi.

Sara was a little sniffly, and red nosed when Ecklie walked in, having just sneezed a half dozen times.

'Sidle' Ecklie said, his attitude being quite different from that in the hospital

'Conrad' she replied

He took a seat, loosening his tie a little

'What can I help with?' he asked

'I want to come back to work… my counsellor said I could come back on Wednesday evening, but I would be limited to lab work… I still have a few more sessions…'

'Ok…' Ecklie relaxed a little, the tension of having been in court easing off a little 'What we talked about in the hospital still stands though Sara…'

'I know…I… thank you… I know this is my last chance Ecklie… I don't indeed to mess up again… that's why I wanted to talk to you… I know typically I've been the first to max out on overtime most months, and that I'll be on probation, but I want to come back, I need to come back, to get my life back on track… I may not be able to do the hours I once did, but I will do whatever I can, what I can… even if it's reduced hours ,or grunt work for a while… I'll look over cold cases…. '

'Sara…' Ecklie held his hand up to stop her 'You have your job, you're a damn fine CSI, and I'd be stupid to let you go… report to work at 9pm Wednesday evening, and we'll go through the papers I had drawn up…'

'Thank you!' Sara smiled, genuinely happy

'Sara… have you thought about the compensation?'

'Yes'

'And?' Ecklie questioned.

Sara slipped him a piece of paper, watching his reaction as he read the figure of $823,743.12, his face barely winced, but he did nod

'Ok… I'll start the claim from my end, bring the forms that Catherine gave you on Wednesday, we should have this pay sorted within 6 weeks…' standing he moved away from the table. At the last moment, he turned back to Sara 'I know we've clashed in the past Sara, but we'll, I'll, be glad to have you back at CSI' he said with a small, almost creepy smile, before walking away.

Xxx

a/n

We're getting there, I promise! Cat and Sara will talk in the next chapter, and I will give Sara a bit of a break… but for now, once again, sleep is in order. Emz.

Also, that $ figure is completely random, and Judy is the little blonde receptionist in the show… she was in a few episodes. Noticeably she handed Grissom the letter that Sara left him in 'goodbye and good luck'


	43. Rage and Sorrow

Sara sat in the coffee shop for a little bit longer after Ecklie had left, feeling happier now that'd she'd taken the first step to getting back to work, and her life on track. She also wanted to enjoy being on her own for a little while longer, watching the world go by. Although the coffee shop was fairly busy, no one was bothering her or watching over her like a hawk, besides Ecklie, the only person to have spoken to her was the waitress, and it felt nice. After declining a second cup of tea, Sara stepped outside, she was too tired and still a little too sneeze to walk the 25 or so minutes home, even though before one of her outlets had been long walks (in part, because of her intoxication and inability to drive, and in part because she loved walking) and she didn't want to call Brass, so she called for a taxi. When she was informed it would be nearly 20 minutes before it arrived, she laughed, she could have practically been home already if she started walking.

Turning, she saw a thrift store, and decided to have a quick look around, at least then she wouldn't be stood in the slight breeze. Walking over to the large collection of second hand books, Sara was distracted by two displays. Smiling, her hand once again on her stomach, a slight bump now growing, she picked up an item, and then picked up a box.

'Perfect' she mumbled too herself, walking over to the counter to pay for the items she had picked out.

When Sara arrived back at her flat, she called out for Brass, but got no answer. She was grateful to have been allowed the little time to herself, to make her own way back, but she had still expected him to be there when she arrived. Pulling out her phone, she dialled his number

'Brass' Phone' came an unfamiliar voice

'Hi… who's speaking, is Jim ok?' Sara questioned

'Miss Sidle?' The caller questioned

'Yes' Sara got out, trying not to let the panic rise

'Captain Brass is fine, but he was called into a very important interrogation for a case he's been working for the past several months, I'm Officer Brookes, he had to leave his phone with me, couldn't afford any interruptions. Can I take a message?' Officer Brookes asked

'Oh… I…..' Sara stuttered

'He said you might call' the officer spoke up 'Said he'd be back as soon as he could, not to worry, and that a Greg Sanders is ready to come over, if you'd like… '

'Oh… Thanks… Umm… How, how long has he been in there so far?' Sara questioned, scratching at her arm a little bit

'I'm afraid it's just started, about 15 minutes, and I'm sorry to say it's a big case… Captain Brass really didn't want to do this, but the D.A is putting pressure on the department…'

'I understand' Sara said

'Would you like me to call Mr Sanders for you?' Brookes asked

'No… No, thanks…' Sara said hanging up, feeling a little lost.

Trying not to let it get to her too much, Sara walked into the bedroom, slipping on her PJ's and gown, she opened the box she had bought – a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle made up of lots of little photos, that made a bigger picture of Flamingo – and set to work.

As Sara worked, sorting and placing the pieces, with the occasional sneeze and hiccup, she tapped at her leg with a pen from time to time. Her alarm went off, and she paused briefly, grabbing some water she took the various medicines, grabbed an apple and a knife to cut it, and set back to work.

When Brass arrived back, Sara had been alone for 2 and ½ hours since the phone call with Officer Brookes, and the first thing that hit Brass as he entered the apartment was the faint smell of iron hanging in the air

'Sara?' he called out trying not to panic, stepping further into the flat, he saw Sara sat at the table, engrossed in a puzzle, and he relaxed.

'Hey Sara…' he walked over to the fridge to grab a drink, not surprised that Sara hadn't answered, she was busy concentrating, tapping away on her leg.

Brass let out a chuckle as Sara sneezed again, and then turned to look at her, his eyes going wide

'Sara!' he shouted, rushing over to her, he grabbed the item from her hand, pulling it away, he tried to twist her around, but she continued to ignore him, and hiccupped quietly.

Her upper thigh was covered in lots of little cuts, the blood slowly streaming down her leg, and it was if Sara hadn't even noticed.

'Sara…' he shook her slightly, reaching for his phone

Sara blinked a few times 'Oh, hey Brass… how did the interrogation go, you weren't as long as I thought you would be…' Sara turned back to her puzzle, frowning slightly. She'd made more progress than she thought she had

'Sara… why is your leg bleeding?' Brass asked, kneeling down in front of her, grabbing tightly at her hands

'Don't be silly…' Sara said, turning to look at her leg 'Oh…' Sara said, not quiet believing what her eyes were telling her.

'I… I don't remember… I didn't do that, did I?'

'Yeah love, you did, I just took the knife from your hand…'

'What knife? I was tapping a pen Brass, I haven't used….' Sara trailed off 'I had an apple…' she turned her head, half in embarrassment, and half because she once again sneezed.

'Sorry…' she mumbled

'What happened?' Jim asked, pulling her to her feet, and leading her towards the bathroom

'I really don't know Brass, I swear I don't… I was keeping myself busy as you weren't here…'

'You didn't call Greg?' he asked, gently pushing her so she was sat on the edge of the bath tub so he could clean her leg

'No…'

'Why?'

'I didn't want to be a bother to anyone'

Brass said nothing, but set about cleaning her legs

'You know I'm going to have to report this to the Drs, don't you?'

Sara nodded, wiping at her eyes

'Why did you do it Sara?' Brass asked once he was finished

'I didn't ok, I swear I didn't… I thought it was a pen… it was at first, I don't know when it became a knife, and I don't know why I didn't feel it… hell, I don't even know what time it is, I think I've lost an hour…. I only started that jigsaw after speaking to Brookes… '

'It's ok Sara… It will all be ok… but I do need to call the Dr, see if we can get you an emergency appointment…'

'No… please… not yet?' Sara said, twisting her body a little

'Sara…'

'Please, not yet' Sara asked again, scratching her arm a little, and then again.

'Fine' Brass relented 'But I'm coming with you to the beginning of your session tomorrow, no arguing, understood?'

'Yes sir' Sara got out quietly

'Do you want me to call Catherine?'

'No… please… not yet… if she's not at work, she's with Lindsey, I don't want to be a bother just yet…'

'Have you spoken at all yet, since Sunday evening?'

'No' Sara admitted 'I… I will… soon….'

Once again Brass reluctantly admitted defeat on the matter, and then walked away into the kitchen

Xxx

The rest of the night, and the next day went by without incidence. Sara had stayed awake a little longer than normal, and slept a little less, trying to readjust her body clock a little bit more ready for work on Wednesday evening. The puzzle was now 80% complete, and Sara had stopped sneezing a few hours ago. Jumping in the shower, she got ready for her counselling session.

As long as she didn't think about it, or anything else, she felt fine, but for the most part, she was thinking about it, and scratching at her arms in her nervousness. She wasn't ready to face the disappointing looks or the questions, but she knew that she currently had no choice in the matter.

'It'll be ok Sara' Brass tried to reassure her, placing his hand on her shoulder. Shrugging it off, she grabbed her coat and walked out to the car.

The drive to the hospital seemed to take forever for Sara, but Brass drove as quickly as possible, hoping Sylvia might be free a few minutes earlier.

There was a lot he wanted, needed, to discuss.

Walking up to the reception desk, Sara muttered she was the 8pm appointment, but didn't look up

'Sylvia won't be long Sara, how's your cold now?' the voice asked, it was Matt. Once again Sara just shrugged 'Fine' she mumbled, whilst turning around to take a seat. A few minutes later, Sylvia called her through

'Good evening Sara…' she turned to Brass, she had an idea of who he was, but she wasn't sure

'Jim Brass' he provided, shaking her offered hand

'Ah yes, my Colleague, Eloise, met you.'

Sylvia gestured for them to take a seat

'So Sara, what do you want to talk about today, and are you comfortable with Jim being here?'

Brass looked over at Sara, picking up on her mood, and spoke up for her 'She's not very talkative today Dr… '

'Sylvia, please' she supplied with a smile 'Has something happened?' she queried

'Yes… well… I got home…'

Sylvia cut him off 'She was alone?'

Before Brass could explain further, Sara cut in 'She is in the room!' she snapped, standing and heading towards the door

Reaching out his hand, Jim stopped her from leaving 'Sara, wait, take a seat…'

Sara sighed, but relented, pulling her legs up tight to her chest, arms wrapped around them

'I'm sorry Sara' Sylvia said, smiling weakly 'I'm just worried about you, I need to know what's happened and why… would you like to tell me?'

'No'

'Can Jim tell me?' she asked, writing something down on her notepad

'Ok' Sara whispered, turning her head away from them both.

'Last night, I had to attend to something I couldn't get out off, and when Sara arrived back from speaking to Ecklie – he's the boss – I was still out… I was out for a couple of hours. When I got back, Sara was doing a jigsaw, and her thigh was covered in cuts…' Brass held his hand up, to stop Sylvia from interrupting just yet 'I panicked, thought she'd done it deliberately… but it soon became apparent that wasn't the case… Sara was pretty out of it, sneezing, hiccupping… tapping the knife up and down on her leg… she seemed really shocked when I pointed it out, made her stop.' Brass paused, looked over at Sara 'She thought it was a pen… she didn't feel the pain of the knife… they're shallow, but there's lots of them, but mostly concentrated around one area the size of a quarter.'

'Can I take a look please Sara?' Sylvia asked, placing her notebook down, she watched as Sara just pulled her legs closer

'Sara, I need to look before you leave…' Sylvia was quiet for a while, thinking over what had been said, and wondering on its significance 'You're aware that your Lithium levels were showing as low, aren't you Sara?'

'Yes' Sara mumbled

'Yes, we were aware' Brass clarified 'It wasn't really deliberate, and we have it under control now, an alarm system to prompt Sara to take her medicines, it's working well so far'

'Good…Good…I'd like to take another blood sample, just to see if we are getting on to the right track…'

'Not a pin cushion' Sara whispered under her breath

'I know… but these tests are important Sara, for you and the Baby'

Sighing, Sara placed her arm out, exposing the inner elbow where the blood would be taken from. Sylvia hadn't meant now, but realised it would be better to get it done whilst Sara was feeling a little more compliant. Gathering what she needed, she quickly took and labelled the sample, and then set it to the side to take down to the lab later.

'Are you usually so intense in your work Sara?' Sylvia questioned, sitting back in her chair and closely observing Sara and her body language

'Have to be…. Have to be'

'Why?'

'Justice… Victims…Stopping the bad guys' Sara said with venom in her voice

'Yes, but, do you normally get so…involved… with something you aren't aware of the rest of your surroundings?'

'Doesn't everyone?' Sara countered, not understanding the question

'Not to the point where they're stabbing themselves in the leg, no.' Sylvia said, trying to balance out the stern edge and concern in her voice.

Sara had no answer to this, knowing Sylvia was right

'Has there been any other major zone outs like that Sara, where you've come around doing something either… dangerous, or unsettling?'

'Not since… Not since quitting drinking… but they were just the alcohol screwing with me… before then, I guess… maybe a few times when I was a kid…' Sara swallowed hard, knowing she'd just opened up a whole new line of questioning

'What happened when you were younger Sara?'

'You mean despite the beatings and the rape?' Sara spat out, pulling her legs yet closer

Neither Sylvia or Brass said anything to that, just waiting for Sara to continue

Taking a deep breath, Sara tried to relax herself 'My mum used to give me sweets, when she had a headache… so I wouldn't disturb her'

'What kinda sweets love?' Brass asked, his voice gentle

'I don't know… they made me sleepy, therefor I was quiet… I remember a few times, I'd wake up bruised… or it was dark outside where before it was daytime… once I woke up and my Dad… he… he was raping me…' Sara angrily wiped away at the tears that were now streaming down her face

'All of this happened after being given these… sweets?' Sylvia asked, glancing over at Brass before moving her eyes back to Sara

'Yeah' Sara nodded, turning her head away again

'Could they have been drugs Sara?'

'Yeah' Sara confessed 'Yeah… she was Schizophrenic…'

'Do you think she gave you her prescription and missed them herself?'

'Yeah… I… they made her worse, she didn't like them…. I only realised when I was older though… back then… I don't know what I thought, I thought it was normal, I guess… '

'Were you aware, back then, she was on medication?' Sylvia asked, wanting to clarify

Sara thought for a moment 'Yeah… Yeah, I was aware, Dad complained about the cost, but then spent the money on booze… I swore I'd never drink, never do drugs of any kind… didn't take me long to break those 3 promises to myself… '

'3?' Brass asked

'Yeah, booze, prescription drugs and recreational…'

'Sara?' Brass questioned again, a torrent of thoughts running through his head

'Weed, mostly… when I was in college… E, once… hated it… whatever else I've been slipped by the people who have raped me over the years… cigarettes, booze, lots of it, sleeping pills… now this fine cocktail…'

'Oh Sara…'

'Don't Jim; I don't need your fucking sympathy!' Sara screamed, her anger quickly rising, although she didn't really know why she was so angry, she grabbed the cushion next to her and threw it across the room.

'Jim, will you join me for a moment, if Sara wants to act like a child, we won't give her an audience…' Sylvia rose, gesturing for Jim to follow; they stepped out of the room

'Why have we left?' Jim questioned once they'd stepped out into the hallway

'I think Sara needs five minutes or so to unleash and get rid of her anger, and if that means throwing things around the office, so be it… I wanted to rearrange it anyway, so she's doing me a favour… I will point out, that its hospital policy to have this room wired with surveillance, just in case, and it's never reviewed unless such incidences like this happen… Sara may say or do something in there, that could help me later… so, I'll look and see later…' Anyway, I'm just going to pop to the bathroom, when I get back, we'll go back in, I won't be long'

Xxx

Sara felt a fine mist of anger and sadness fall over her, and as soon as she was left alone in the room, it only intensified, grabbing another cushion, so threw it, but wasn't satisfied. Grabbing a mug, she threw that, and was satisfied when it smashed loudly against the wall, sending bits of china everywhere, next she tossed the books of the shelf, and then shoved the shelf onto the floor, knocking more items as she did, screaming and shouting almost incoherently as she did

'I'm not my Mum!' was one phrase that she kept repeating. Anger now boiling, Sara swept some items off the desk, and was about to throw the computer monitor, when something caught her eye, a photo of an ultrasound image being held by a young woman was placed on the corner of the desk. Sara's breath caught in her throat, and she slumped down into Sylvia's office chair, head in her hands, weeping.

Xxx

It was about 10 minutes later when Sylvia and Brass stepped back into the office, taking in the sight of the destruction before them, and Sara sat sobbing. Before anyone could say anything, Sara stood up, and started picking up the items that were strewn across the room

'Sara, you don't have to do that, why don't you sit down…'

'I do…' Sara said, picking up a few more items

'Why?' Sylvia said, taking Sara's now vacated seat as Brass moved to stand by the window

'My mess, my problems, punished otherwise…'

'What do you mean by that Sara?'

'Parents hated mess, even if they'd made it… I cleaned…'

Brass had had enough at this point, and walked over to Sara, taking the few items from her, he pulled her into a hug 'Enough Sara, enough', running his hand through her hair 'Enough' at first Sara tried to resist, but she soon stopped, her anger having been replaced with tiredness.

Brass pulled her over to the couch, and sat her down, keeping her close; Brass glanced over at Sylvia, and felt his own anger rising when he saw that she was smiling. She put her hand up, stopping him from saying anything, wanting to explain

'Sara… you may not believe me, but this…outburst… has actually given me a lot of insight into the way you…function… why you do certain things, act like you do… '

'How the hell does a destroyed office tell you anything?' Sara managed, her voice was quieter, weaker, than she had expected, wanted.

'Well, when things go wrong, you over react, but then regret it, and you try, not always successfully, to clean up the mess, declining any help from outside sources, even if they were able to make your task so much easier. Your defences come up when you get caught out, and you try and brush off the incidence, but each time it gets harder and harder, and so you spiral more and more out of control, but find giving up that element of control hard, fearing the consequences of not cleaning up your own mess… eventually you stop telling people where things have gone wrong, and so the cycle continues… even if you aren't aware of it, even if you think it's not comparable, it all connects Sara… from cleaning up the mess your parents made, to helping to clear up the mess you find within work, with the cases and victims that you deal with… '

Sara said nothing to this; she just didn't know how to respond.

'Look, Sara… it's been a tough session, I just need to look at your leg, ask a couple more things ok…'

'Ok' Sara got out, pushing herself away from Brass a little

'Do you want Jim to step out of the room for a moment?'

'No… no, it's ok…'

'Ok… let me look at your leg then…'

Sara stood, undoing her trousers, and shimmying them down to expose her thigh

Sighing, Sylvia grabbed something to clean and dress it with, making note of the dozens and dozens of tiny cuts, although each one wasn't much bigger than a pin prick, and they didn't appear to be deep, the sheer amount of them, and the way they were localised, worried Sylvia more than she wanted to let on, the bruising coming out making it look worse

'Does it hurt?' she asked, noticing Sara tense a little

'I guess…'

'And at the time?'

'No… I honestly didn't know, I was so absorbed doing this puzzle, and before I was tapping a pen… I thought I was still tapping the pen…you don't believe me?' Sara questioned

'No, I do believe you Sara, but I am worried to why you didn't feel the pain…'

Sara couldn't explain it either

'Are you still hoping to go back to work tomorrow?'

'Yes… I spoke to Ecklie last night, before this…' Sara gestured to her leg 'this happened'

'Ok… what did he say, are the conditions the same as when we last spoke?'

'Yes…no field work, less hours…. Probation period… we agreed on a compensation figure too, we are going to sort out the paperwork tomorrow, and the lab are still going to pay the share of the bills that they agreed on, on top of the compensation… it's funny… I'll be a CSI 3 doing the bare minimum of work, for the most monetary gain at the end of it…'

'How does that make you feel?' Sylvia asked, now finished dressing Sara's leg

'I don't know… grateful… greedy… all else in-between… mostly, I just want to focus on working again, regaining my life a little bit more…'

'Ok… and, what about your medications…before..'

'Before they were too low, I know… I made the mistake of keeping on a day time schedule, and then falling asleep when I wasn't supposed to, after having worked nightshift for most of my working life, and having barely slept for the past 17 years, I've slept so much the past couple of weeks… for the most part, I didn't deliberately miss them…'

'Ok, but now you have a better schedule for them?'

'Yeah…'

'We've set alarms throughout the night, when Sara is most naturally awake, and will be, whilst working again. Sara really does know the importance of them, even if it's taken a little while to admit it to herself' Brass said, placing his hand on Sara's shoulder after she'd pulled her trousers back up

'Good… Good… Ok… well, in that case, I'll give you a few days to settle back into work, and we can schedule an appointment for… Saturday, and another Ultrasound, just speak to Matt on your way out…' Sylvia pulled off a piece of paper 'Here, this is your prescription for your Iron tablets… let me just have a quick listen to your heart and lungs and do your blood pressure, and then I'll let you get on your way, ok?'

'Ok… Thanks…'

A few minutes later, Sara and Brass were walking out of the room

'One more thing' Sylvia called, waiting for them to turn 'Next time something extreme like that happens, you phone us straight away Sara, no excuses, no matter what time of day or night ok?'

Sara gave a brief nod of understanding, and then walked out of the room.

Xxxx

When they got back Sara took her tablets, only 10 minutes late as she needed a drink to wash them down with, and then told Brass she was going to get a little sleep. When the alarm went off for her second lot of tablets, Sara got out of bed, jumped in the shower, and then turned on her laptop, looking up properties for sale in the area. She had no idea what she was looking for however, so she soon gave up. Looking at the clock, she saw that shift would finish in a couple of hours. Pulling out her phone, she typed out a message to Catherine, and hit send before she could change her mind

Xxx

Catherine was sat in one of the layout rooms, looking over the evidence of her current case, or at least trying too, she was finding it hard to concentrate, especially as she was having to sort out half a bins worth of shredded financial documents. It was slow going, and all the paper looked similar. Sighing, she couldn't help but think this was the kind of work that Sara would enjoy. Her phone buzzing pulled her out of her thoughts, opening it, she saw that she had a message from Sara.

She had no idea how to feel about it, no idea where they stood, how to move forward from when Sara had stormed out on Sunday evening. She'd barely heard from Nancy since, her Mum was just as quiet, and as much as she tried not to show it, Lindsey knew something was up as well. Opening the message, Catherine read

'Sorry for not msging sooner… sorry about the way I left Sun PM…Can we talk? Sx'

Catherine didn't know whether to ignore it, text back, or ring Sara. Deciding it could wait for a while longer; Catherine grabbed a cup of coffee and then got back to work. When shift had finished, she rang Sara on the way out to the car

'Sidle'

'Hey'

'Catherine…I'm sorry…' Sara said, a weak smile on her face

'I'm sorry too…'

'Can we talk, please?' Sara asked, trying not to get her hopes up too much

'Sure… Why don't you come over at 1, I'll make lunch… I need to get Lindzz to school, and then I need to sleep a little…'

'Sure… Thanks… See you later…'

'Yeah…' Catherine hung up the phone, and got into her car, and drove towards her home. She really didn't know what to do about Sara, but she knew she was finding it harder and harder to deal with Sara's insecurities and constant yo-yoing, but she wasn't sure if she could just give up on her either. She just hoped that things would work out and that in the meantime she would sleep.

1 o'clock came around soon enough, and Catherine waited for Sara to knock on her door.

Catherine kept glancing at her watch, and at 1.02 the knock came, and she rushed to answer it, feeling nervous. Opening the door, she took in the sight before her, Sara was stood in a deep red coloured top, black trousers, a weak smile on her face, tears in her eyes, and a bouquet of purple hyacinths in hand. Catherine stepped forward, and grabbed Sara's arm, pulling her into her house, whilst the other hand took the flowers, placing them on the side table, she pulled Sara into her embrace, and kissed her deeply, slamming the door behind her, before pushing Sara up against the wall, hands roaming and touching, as Sara eagerly kissed her back, before pushing Catherine away slightly 'We need to talk…' she mumbled out as Catherine moved down to kiss her neck

'Later…' Catherine whispered, hands slipping under Sara's shirt 'I've missed you, I need you…'

Sara couldn't help but writher under Catherine's touch, spinning around she pressed Catherine into the door, barely noticing the force as Catherine's back made contact with the wood. Slipping her hands around and down to Catherine's bum, Sara raised her from the ground, and Catherine eagerly wrapped her legs around Sara's waist 'Bedroom….' Catherine mumbled

'Too far, too many stairs…' Sara said in-between kisses 'I want you now… ' Sara walked them over to the dining table, and placed Catherine on top, hoping the table was as sturdy as it looked, she continued her kissing assault over Catherine's exposed skin, the blonde whimpering eagerly underneath her.

Xxx

a/n hope you enjoyed!


	44. More Confessions

Sara's hands ran almost feverishly along Catherine's body, touching every bit the y could reach. Catherine's legs were still wrapped around Sara, pulling her in closely, and she was reluctant to let Sara go, slowly she dropped her legs so they were hanging over the edge of the table, causing her back to arch up, pressing into Sara, she groaned, clenching her fist. The intense lust and desire coming from both of them was powerful, and they had yet to take of their clothes.

Trying to sit up a little, Catherine tugged on Sara's top, wanting to feel Sara as much as she wanted to be touched. Sara shivered a little as Catherine's fingers brushed against her sensitive skin, her own hands finding Catherine's waistband, and then moving to undo her trousers, she tugged them down slightly, too impatient to take them all the way off, slipping her hand under the fabric of Catherine's underwear, she cupped Catherine's heat eagerly, rubbing her fingers against the warm skin and slickening folds.

Catherine let her body fall back against the table, hands falling to the sides, her mind and body in overdrive and currently incapable of returning Sara's touch. Bucking against Sara's hand, biting her lip, Catherine tried to repress from screaming to loudly, too soon. Until now she hadn't realised just how much she had not only missed, but had needed, Sara's body next to hers. Her hands gripped the edge of the table as Sara pushed two fingers into her, whilst her thumb grazed over and around her now swollen clit. 'Fuck….'

'That's the idea…' Sara mumbled, her lips kissing Catherine's chest through the fabric of her top, she moved her fingers a little faster, her hips grinding with the action, one of Catherine's legs between her own causing a warm and pleasant friction to build up.

Reaching out, Catherine tangled her fingers in Sara's hair, torn between pulling her up for a kiss, or pushing her down so her face and lips were closer to her core, in the end she found it hard to do either, as Sara chose that moment to bite down on Catherine's nipple, even through the fabric of her shirt and bra the sensation was incredible, and something Catherine had never felt before whilst still wearing so many clothes. Sara grinned, picking up on this, her fingers pulling almost all of the way out, before slamming all the way in again, first slowly, than fast, her speed and forcefulness always varying, changing, to the way Catherine responded. When she felt Catherine creeping closer to the edge, she expertly hooked the fabric of her trousers and underwear with her hand, and tugged them down further out the way, placing warm kisses down her covered stomach as she went, writhing in delight when her lips made contact with bare flesh, causing Catherine to buck her hips even more. With her leg, she hooked the nearest chair, and skilfully moved it so she could half sit and half kneel on it, her mouth not once breaking contact with the sweet pale flesh before her, and then, moving her hand slightly, she began to lick, tease and nip at Catherine's clit, her fingers curling deeper and deeper, before switching almost seamlessly, one hand wrapped up and over Catherine's leg, the other slipping out of Catherine's core, to be instantly replaced by Sara's eager tongue, the fingers now moving to play in the blonde damp curls, and over Catherine's clit, rubbing, teasing, building up the friction once more.

It didn't take long for Catherine to fall over the edge, and Sara could feel every wave of pleasure, building up, and rolling off, and still she didn't stop completely, she only slowed her movements to a more gentle pace, wanting, needing, Catherine to enjoy this as much as possible.

When Catherine couldn't take anymore, she reluctantly pushed Sara away, breathing heavy, still trembling from the intensity of the sex, she wanted to speak, to move, but couldn't. Sitting back in the chair, Sara just watched her, a huge grin on her face, fingers running lightly over her hips

'Wow…' Catherine got out at last 'Who knew make up sex could be so good?' She chuckled a little, stretching her hand out for Sara to take.

'Come on…' Sara pulled on her arm a little 'You can't be very comfy on that hard table… '

'Actually, it's kinda surprisingly nice; you should try it sometime, only there's no space to snuggle you up here… to the sofa?'

'To the sofa' Sara agreed

Carefully getting off the table, Catherine lazily pulled her trousers back up 'Two minutes… I just need to change and use the bathroom….'

'That's ok' Sara pulled her own top back on, making herself comfortable on the sofa, pulling a blanket around her shoulders.

It didn't take long for Catherine to return, now dressed in sweatpants and a cardigan over her tank top 'Want to eat?' she asked, grabbing a drink for them both from the kitchen

'I'd rather be kissing you some more… but yeah…'

'Ok, well, I made a salad earlier, or I can warm through some pasta, or just do sandwiches…'

'I don't mind… ' Sara started 'Actually… I'm blaming this baby, but I really fancy a PB, Cheese and Pickle sandwich with a side of cookie… if you can?'

'That's gross, and I'm not making it, so you'll have to come do it yourself Sara'

'How do you know if you haven't tried it?' Sara countered

'Because, Pickle, of any variety, is horrible, and you don't mix cheese with cookie, or PB…'

'You're no fun…' Sara got up from the sofa, heading into the kitchen

'So, what weird cravings did you get with Lindsey?'

'Weird? I wanted vinegar, all the time… but normally I hate it, otherwise, I ate a lot of pineapple and a lot of strawberry ice cream…'

'Yeah, I had that, before…the ice cream…' Sara trailed off, she didn't like thinking about Rose.

Picking up on this, Catherine quickly changed the subject 'What will you do if you fancy meat?'

'Pray that I don't, and that my will power and ethics win out over my confused hormones?'

'Good luck with that… trust me, ignoring a craving can be hard!'

Sara just giggled, and set about making the food that she wanted, asking a few times where things were, whilst Catherine made a chicken salad sandwich. At last they moved back into the living room, sitting on the sofa

'Remind me to clean the table before I serve food on it…'

'Yeah…. Sorry… ' Sara blushed a little

'Don't be…'

They began to eat, a silence, not entirely comfortable, falling over them.

Although Sara was ravenous, she ate slowly, wanting to avoid heartburn, but also wanting to delay the conversation she knew they were about to have, just because they'd hade make up sex, didn't mean they could avoid talking about the issues at hand. Really they should have talked a lot sooner, and Sara was beginning to regret her actions over the last few days. At last, they could put if off no longer, and as Sara was about to start speaking, Catherine stood up abruptly, taking Sara's plate 'I need a drink… tea… I'm gonna make some tea, do you want some?' she asked, already half way to the kitchen

'Sure…. Green tea, please, or something herbal, not raspberry…'

'Sure… Sure…' Catherine called back.

It was another 5 minutes before she returned, handing Sara the cup, she took a seat on the edge of the sofa, twisting so her legs were pulled up against her body, but so she was facing Sara, who mimicked her motion from the other side, a largish gap between them. Sara pulled the blanket tighter around her body, mumbled her thanks for the tea, and then stared into the mug, her slight confidence from before, now gone, and she no longer knew where to start. How to start.

'I'm sorry…'

'I know you are Sara, but that doesn't change what happened, or the fact that you've ignored me for 3 days…'

'I know… I really do… please, let me explain?'

Catherine just nodded

'I just…. I worry so much that you might leave me, that you'll realise just how messed up and unstable I am…' Catherine tried to interrupt, but Sara held her hand up 'Please… let me finish…' Catherine nodded, taking a sip of her tea. 'I've always been alone Cat, always, I find it difficult to let people close, to let them help, and I was having a bad enough day as it was, then hearing Nancy… I know, I really do, that my reaction wasn't fair, I also know that if I hadn't skipped my meds, things would have been different, but I did, I had been missing at least one dose a day almost since this started… well, since leaving the hospital, It was never a truly deliberate act, but it kept happening… It didn't occur to me to do something about it, not until I spoke to Brass about… It was such a stupid thing as well, taking them during the day, when, if I sleep, that's when I sleep… now; I'm taking them at night, when mostly, I'm awake… because of work….' Sara paused, taking a sip of her tea, but Catherine knew she wasn't done talking, and not to say anything just yet. 'I guess I didn't want to admit just how much I needed them, how they'd stabilise me, how bad I had gotten… It's funny, looking back, all the signs were there, but I think they only really intensified in the last year, and then they were masked by all of the drinking… the overtime… my denial… but, now, I'm on the right track, talking to Sylvia is helping, being sober is helping… I'm still terrified, I'm still going to have issues, bad habits, mood swings… there will be days when I'm difficult… and I should have told you this sooner, I really should… but.. well, after leaving on Sunday, being stood out in the rain, I caught a damn chill, spend most of Monday sneezing and sleeping… then I spoke to Ecklie, but I'll explain that later… I um….' Sara paused again, placing her mug down, fiddling nervously with her hands, trying her best not to scratch. The rest of the conversation, well, monologue, was hard, but she hadn't told Catherine the really bad bit yet.

'What is it Sara?' Catherine asked gently

'I… I… I'm so so sorry Cat… but, please… You have to let me explain before you say anything, please?' Sara whispered, wiping a tear from her face, before pulling the blanket yet tighter around her body

'Ok' came Catherine's whispered reply, her heart now racing, worrying about what Sara was about to tell her

'When I got back from seeing Ecklie, Brass wasn't there… it wasn't his fault ok, so please, don't blame him… I should have called Greg, but I didn't… I didn't want to bother anyone; I thought I would be ok… I settled into doing this jigsaw puzzle that I found… thought it would look nice in the nursery… at some point, I took a break, had my meds… got some food… got a knife…' Sara paused briefly when she heard Catherine's sharp intake of breath 'I swear it was an accident Cat, please, I swear I didn't mean too… but when Brass got back, I was completely zoned out… my leg was bleeding… I'd been tapping the knife up and down on my leg… stabbing myself, over and over, and over… I didn't feel it, didn't know I was doing it; I was just as shocked as Jim was…. I begged him not to tell you or Sylvia just yet…. I don't know why, or how, it happened…. I, we, saw Sylvia last night, Jim came with me… I actually… I actually had a massive melt down in the middle of it, completely destroyed her office in the process… and it helped… it helped me realise a lot of things, admit some things that I'd been denying since before even Rose was born, things about my childhood… about my deep psychological resistance to taking these prescriptions… about how I deal with problems, how I never ask for help… how everything adds up, spirals… I know it doesn't excuse my behaviour towards you, but, I guess, I hope it helps you understand me a little bit more, that hopefully, we can get past this, that you still want to be with me… to be my partner, to help me raise this baby… to be my family… but if you can't, I'll understand… I know you have to think about Lindsey's safety and wellbeing, as well as your own… I know I've hurt you, a lot, more than once… but I couldn't not explain things to you Cat, and I know I should have told you all of this much much sooner, and before fucking you like I did just now… ' Sara trailed off again, sniffing a little.

Taking a deep breath, Catherine tried to compose a response

'Thank you for telling me all of this Sara… you're right, it doesn't change what happened… but, it does make it a little easier to deal with, now that I understand… but there are things you need to understand too Sara….'

Sara began fidgeting from her end of the sofa, biting down on her lip, regretfully she cut Catherine off 'Please don't hate me, I need to hear what you have to say, but mother nature sucks, I really really need to use the bathroom Cat… I swear I'm not trying to avoid this….'

Catherine couldn't help but smirk 'I understand Sara, I remember all too well that feeling… when you get back though, you need to let me talk'

'I know…' Sara practically ran off, heading for the downstairs toilet, knowing she wouldn't make it upstairs in time.

'Better?' Catherine asked when Sara returned

'Yes… for now anyway…'

'Good….' Catherine waited for Sara to get comfortable on the sofa once more, running through in her mind just what she needed to say, and how she was going to say it.

'I'm not a morning person Sara, I'm especially not a morning person when I am rudely awoken, like the other night when Nancy was here… yes, I could have defended you better, but I really didn't want to get into a full blown argument with her, and I didn't want to wake you either, I knew how tired you were, and just how difficult you'd found the last bit at the Zoo…Nancy has never been that approving of my girlfriends in the past… nor any relationship for that matter… I didn't want her to find out like she did, but that doesn't mean I wanted to hide you, or was ashamed of our relationship… I just wanted to get used to it for a little longer… enjoy us, for a little longer…she'd already got snappy with me before our relationship turned to what it is, when I was with you in the hotel, that first day in the hospital… but she, nor anyone else, has any say in who I choose to date, to be with, to love… but, that being said, I have found this very difficult Sara, I hate seeing you hurt, and I hate seeing you hurt yourself…the ups and downs, the doubts you have. It's been hard learning about your past… but, I can't change it, and neither should I want to… perhaps, in an ideal world, you could have dealt with things differently, but it's happened…I just hope we can find new ways to deal with things, together, as a family… I love you Sara, I really do… I know it's been a bit sudden, that in the past we've had our differences… that if the past couple of weeks hadn't have happened, we might not be here now, but once again, we can't change it, it did happen, and we're here… I'll always, always, feel bad about causing the explosion, and the downward spiral it helped trigger, no matter what you say, I will always, always feel that guilt, I have since it happened, and now knowing the truth of that matter has made it worse… it may be silly of me, but it's not something I can stop Sara… I just need to try and move on… to help you, move on… I want to be with you Sara; I want you to be a part of my life, a part of Lindsey's life… I want to give Lindsey a little brother or sister, I want to help raise this baby… your baby… and I have no intentions, whatsoever, of leaving you, or stopping loving you, not now that I've found you…. But…' Catherine paused, trying to think of the best way to say what needed to be said 'I don't want you to think of this as an ultimatum…if you keep shutting me out, or if you don't make progress… I can't guarantee my patience and willingness to do this will last… I've gone through enough bad relationships in my life, I don't want to go through another… we have to keep honest with each other Sara… if you're hurting, or zone out again, if you feel bad, you have to tell me, if you don't communicate with me, this won't work, no matter how much we wish it too….'

By now both Catherine and Sara were crying, they wanted so badly to reach out, to hold one another, holding out her arms, Sara motioned for Catherine to join her, and was glad when she did, letting out a breath that she didn't know she was holding. Moving the blanket, so it was covering them both, Sara placed a kiss on Catherine's head, holding her close

'I'm so sorry Cat, I really am… I really do want to get better… I'll do whatever it takes, to keep you, to keep Lindsey, to keep this baby… but you're wrong about one thing…' she whispered

'What?' came the whispered reply

'It's not my baby, it's OUR baby.'

Smiling, a warm feeling rushing over her, Catherine moved, placing her lips over Sara's, kissing her gently, before pulling back again 'I love you Sara'

'I love you to Cat… I'd be lost without you'

Xxx

a/n I couldn't have them stay mad forever! There may be a few more bumps along the way, but, this really will be a happy story by the time it's over! Next chapter, Sara's first day back at work! Hope to have time to write tomorrow.

Thanks for reading, emz xx


	45. Contract

Catherine and Sara lay quietly, happily embracing one another on the sofa, glad they had started to put the last few days behind them.

'Cat?'

'Yeah baby?' Catherine whispered, twisting in Sara's arms a little

'My bladder is going to be the death of me….'

Giggling, Catherine moved so Sara could get up 'You haven't had the worst of it yet'

'I know…I'll be right back…' Sara placed a kiss on Catherine's head as she went.

Just as Sara was about to step back out of the bathroom, she heard voices coming from the living room, pausing, she tried to make out who it was. If it was Nancy she would have stayed hidden for a lot longer, but she soon heard a light and welcome laughter, and realised it was Lindsey. A smile breaking over her face, she snuck quietly out of the room, hoping to surprise the little girl. She could hear that Lindsey was talking about how a boy named Jimmy in her year had been laughed at because he got an answer wrong in one of the classes, and how she didn't find it funny at all, how afterward she'd shared her cake with him, to cheer him up.

'You've got a kind soul Lindsey' Sara said, stepping around so Lindsey could see her.

'SARA!' Lindsey shrieked, running up to her and throwing her arms around Sara's waist 'I've missed you!'

'I missed you too Lindzz' Sara said, eagerly returning the embrace

'I never gave you your gift…' Lindsey said, tugging on Sara's hand

'What gift?'

'From the Zoo… you fall asleep, and then Aunt Nancy was here, and then you were gone…' Lindsey frowned, not understanding why

'I know… I'm sorry…'

'Where were you?' Lindsey questioned, not noticing the look between Catherine and Sara

'I caught a cold… I didn't want to give it to you or your mummy… I'm sorry I didn't call….'

Lindsey thought about this for a minute, looking between the two of them 'Is that the grown up way to say you two had a fight? I'm not a little girl… I heard Aunt Nancy shouting, but I don't know what she said…'

'Lindzz…' Catherine cut in; pulling her not so little girl into a hug, and lifting her up 'Remember what I told you, about Sara being sad?'

Lindsey nodded 'Well, baby, she was really really tired after our adventure at the Zoo, and it made her feel a little bit funny…'

Sara wrapped her arm around Lindsey, who was still in Catherine's arms 'I'm sorry Lindsey; I was more poorly than I thought… I needed a few days to feel better, and I didn't know how to tell your mum…'

Lindsey shifted a little bit, it was rare that she let herself be held like this, but right now, all 3 of them needed it

'I think I understand… sometimes I need a break from Jeremy and Aunt Nancy… I have a bed there, and I have a bed here…I can't sleep in the same bed every night…'

'Yeah… something like that…' Catherine and Sara grinned at each other, leaning around they shared a quick kiss 'Ewwww! Lindsey exclaimed 'I don't wanna be picked up if you two are gonna be icky like that!' Lindsey tried to wriggle out of Catherine's arms, but neither woman would let her

'Why not? Nothing wrong with it!' Catherine said, before peppering Lindsey's head with kisses, and Sara started to tickle the little blonde woman.

'Mum!' Lindsey squealed

'Ok ok….' Catherine relented, in part because Lindsey's movements were making her arms tired, she placed her back down. Lindsey quickly jumped out of the way, so they couldn't attack her again

'I'm glad you're here Sara'

'Me too'

Lindsey ran off into her bedroom, leaving Catherine and Sara cuddling one another

'I spoke to Ecklie… he's letting me come back to work this evening…' Sara began, a little unsure of how Catherine would take the news

'That's great sweetie… Hasn't been the same without you'

Sara smiled shyly 'Thanks… I'm gonna be stuck in the lab though, no field work, no gun…not for a while…'

'That's ok… Just as long as you're happy, and feel ready?' Catherine asked, placing a soft kiss on Sara's forehead.

'Yeah…I need to do this, otherwise I never will, and it will be too late…' admitted Sara

'Just don't do too much too soon…'

'I won't, promise… what time is it?'

'Nearly 4…'

'Ok… I need to go in for 9, sort out the paperwork and all that…' Sara pulled away

'I can take you if you like?' Catherine offered

'No, it's ok… I want to get a bit more sleep, shower and stuff…I'm going to call Jim…'

'You can sleep here, if you like?' Catherine whispered, holding her hand on to Sara

'What about Lindsey?'

'She's here until 8.40, she has homework, dinner, a bath… then she'll settle in front of the T.V…'

Lindsey chose that moment to walk back into the room, a piece of paper in her hands

'I want to watch a movie with Sara… please….'

'Lindsey, Sara needs to sleep; she still gets tired easily…'

'So we can watch a movie in bed, and then if Sara falls asleep she'll be comfy… please mum? Please Sara?' Lindsey almost begged

Catherine looked at Sara, trying to gage how she felt about the idea, she saw Sara nod ever so slightly

'Fine, but homework first Lindsey, and then you best have a shower… I'm going to run Sara a bath, ok?'

'Ok… Thanks mum, thanks Sara…' Lindsey turned to get her school bag, and then turned back again

'Oh… this is for you Sara…' Lindsey handed her the photos from the booth that they'd taken on Sunday, and the postcard she had picked out 'Read it' she asked, flipping it over, Sara saw in large, slightly uneven cursive, the words

'Don't be sad Sara, think of funny things like Porcupines, and the people who love you like me and mummy, thanks for coming to the zoo, xx'

Sara wiped a tear from her eyes 'Thank you…' she smiled, her heart racing a little at Lindsey's kind words and wisdom.

'Can we watch Thumbelina, please?'

'Again?' Catherine asked, fed up with the movie

'Yeah… It's not too scary, except for that one bit…and it won't matter if Sara falls asleep…'

'Ok… but this is the last time Lindsey, and then you have to find something else to watch, ok?'

'ok' the little girl agreed

'Good, now, homework and shower…'

Instead of getting an answer, they just saw Lindsey run off

'Come on…' Catherine led Sara upstairs

'I haven't got any clothes…'

'Don't worry about it, I'll find you something….' Walking into the bathroom, Catherine began drawing a bath, filling it up with oils and a few bubbles, testing the heat, she smiled 'Get in….'

'Cat…' Sara tried to protest

'Come on, I've seen you naked before Sara, it will do you good…'

Wordlessly, Sara began stripping her clothes off, feeling a little self-conscious as she took her trousers off, knowing the gauze covering her leg would have to come off, if Catherine noticed it, she didn't say anything, and soon Sara slipped into the warm and welcoming water.

Xxx

'Thanks Cat…' Sara said, looking up at the building before her, she was anxious to be back, and with a few more steps she would be there

'That's ok…I've got my own paperwork to see too and some reports to chase up on from last shift… poor Bobby had about 30 different shell casings to go through from 6 different cases… and Mandy about 70 or so fingerprints… I'm going to see how they got on with them before I see if any new cases have come in… are you going to be ok?'

'Yeah… Thanks… maybe it's the lack of booze talking, but Ecklie is being surprisingly nice about all of this… but I best not keep him waiting…'

'Ok…' Catherine gave Sara a quick kiss, before they headed their separate ways, Catherine too the locker room, and Sara to Ecklie's office.

Knocking on the door, Sara waited for Ecklie to call her into the room

'Hey Conrad…'

'Sara…' Ecklie gestured for her to have a seat

'I've drawn up your paperwork, your new hours… I've had to do a little reshuffling, I've bought Frank over from dayshift, he'll be working nightshift permanently, he's a CSI2, but this isn't to replace you, just to help relieve the pressure, and deal with fieldwork… I'm hiring two new dayshift people, I'm interviewing this week, so there might be a couple of weeks of crossover and doubles for people… the lab keeps getting busier and busier, and I should have admitted to needing to make new hires a while ago, not waiting for something to happen… that being said Sara, I want you to be the number one position heading up work in the lab… things haven't always run as smoothly as they could have, and I want you to make the most of your talents… you have a great eye for detail, and I feel it's time to make a few changes around here…' Ecklie shifted a few pieces of paper on his desk

'Thank you, Conrad… but, why are you being so nice too me? I… I really screwed up, but here you're praising me…'

Ecklie twisted his lips into a smile, pinching the bridge of his nose 'Sometimes, Sara, it takes something extreme to make people re-evaluate the way they have been doing things, like I've said, you're a great criminalist, you just hit a very rough spot…we should have done more for you a year ago, more for everyone… we didn't. Now we, the lab, want to make amends…'

'You mean you're scared I might sue you?' Sara asked, although she was smiling a little'

Ecklie sighed, admitting defeat 'That's what the board think, yes… that's not what I think… I know I'm not the most liked person around here, but I do recognise talent Sara, and you have it… you're a valuable asset, and we don't want to lose you… your new contract reflects this, a new position has been made for you… look… let me show you…' Ecklie twisted the contract around so Sara could see it, in bold lettering near the top it read

'Contract of Employment for the Position of CSI 3, cases and procedural reviewer, evidence analyst and key cold case investigator, for Sara Sidle'

Sara blinked a few times 'You… you created a new role, for me?'

'Yes… it comes with a few perks too… you only need to work a minimum of 27 hours a week, not the 40, and you'll also get paid an extra $250 a month compared to your old job, plus overtime, and possibly bonuses… '

'Why?' Sara questioned, thinking this was too much of a good thing to be true

'Because Sara, despite any past issues we may have personally had, and despite your recent set back, you realise you are one of the reasons we are the number 2 lab in the country? Someone once said, the lab isn't a lab without it's people… back then I was too pig-headed to listen…'

'Grissom…' Sara smiled

'Yeah, Grissom… he couldn't help but smirk when I showed him this…' he gestured to the contract that lay on the table between them 'He approves of all of it, he doesn't want to lose you either…'

'Thank you, Conrad… really…'

Ecklie just smiled 'Will you sign the contract?'

'I… I have a few questions…'

'Ok…' Ecklie sat back in his chair a little

'You're aware Catherine Willows and myself are in a romantic relationship?'

'Yes… I'm aware; Catherine will be granted some leave when the baby arrives… how much is yet to be determined though…'

'Thank you… and the lab are willing to let me work less hours, for more money, as well as pay part of my hospital and therapy bills… on top of the compensation? The lab can afford this… afford such expenses…'

'Yes, your compensation is coming from a separate source, as is the money for the bills, we have various insurance policies in place, as for your wage, we, the directors, board, Grissom and myself, think your new wage better reflects the work you shall be doing, and over the next few months we will actually be looking at the wages that all of our employees receive… from the highest CSI and lab tech, to the cleaners and receptionists… like Grissom so rightly pointed out, we wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the people… tech companies and investors are always looking to give us funding, or new equipment to test and use, and the Nevada government are setting aside more money to tackle crimes… so yes Sara, all of the finances have been agreed upon… I'm just sorry it took something like this…' he smiled weakly, gesturing to Sara 'for us to realise we had to do better…'

Sara smiled gratefully 'Thank you… ' she reached for a pen, and signed the various bits of paperwork, pausing briefly to take her prescriptions, and then writing down what doses she needed to take, and when, so Ecklie would have a permanent record of it

'I believe Grissom is waiting for you in the break room… shift starts in five minutes… good luck, and welcome back' he stretched his hand out, and Sara shook it, a genuine smile on her face, as she walked out of the room, feeling a little lighter than she had an hour ago.

Xxx

a/n Thanks for the review mstonks and Elliot ashes, they always brighten my day. Once again, time for sleep… more soon. Thanks for reading, Emz.


	46. Sara's Cold Case

Sara headed to the locker room, she wanted to do something before her shift started, opening her locker, glad someone had already removed the laundry that had been there, she tucked the postcard from Lindsey above the mirror, hoping it would help if ever she needed it at work, next to it, she stuck one of the photos, the others in her purse. Running her hand over her empty gun holster, she sighed, but then shook it off, heading to the bathroom before going on to the break room to begin her first shift back.

Taking a seat in the far corner of the room, Sara tucked herself away, hoping to avoid an onslaught of too much attention. Soon Warrick and Catherine came in, heading straight for the coffee pot, engrossed in a conversation, then Nick followed taking a seat at the table, as Catherine handed Sara a cup of tea, no one else having yet said anything, lastly came Grissom, with the dayshift transfer Frank just behind him, this was also his first shift working grave.

'Hi everyone… 'Grissom began 'We've got 2 new cases tonight, a trick roll and a suspicious circs.. what cases do we still have open?'

'I've still got the double from last night, ballistics and prints are now back, so I've got things to chase up' Catherine started, taking a sip of her own drink

'Ok, anyone else?'

'Nothing immediate for me' Nick said

'Ok, Nick, take the suspicious circs with Frank here, he's transferring from dayshift, Warrick, can you take the trick roll please? Welcome back Sara, Catherine, do you need any help with the evidence in the lab?' Grissom asked, sending a warm smile to Sara before turning back to Catherine

'No, not in the lab, sorry, I've got some doors to knock on with O'reily '

'Ok, if you need back up on that Warrick can help you later if that's ok?'

'Yeah' Warrick and Catherine agreed

'What would you like me to do?' Sara asked eager to do whatever she could to help

'You can either start looking at cold cases, or you can help me with some experiments'

'What kinda experiments?' Sara questioned

'The good kind, always' Grissom grinned

'No offence Gris, but I think your and Sara's definition of good are very very different' Nick teased, placing his arm on Sara's shoulder, before grabbing the assignment slip from Grissom and leaving the room, Frank following behind.

'Hey!' Grissom called after Nicks retreating back

'I've seen some of his experiments Sara, stick with the cold cases… good to have you back Sara' Warrick smiled warmly, grabbing his bit of paper before leaving the room

'Oh come on, it will be fun Sara!' Grissom exclaimed

'Ok' Sara also smiled 'Just for an hour or two, then I best start looking at the backlog'

'Deal'

'Have fun kids' Catherine giggled on her way out, heading towards the labs to get the last of her reports before speaking to O'reily.

Walking to one of the back labs near the garage, a bounce in his step, Grissom asked 'How are you feeling today Sara?'

'Good… happy to be back… thank you for doing what you did… with my contract and everything…'

'Anytime… shall we' he gestured for Sara to walk through the door first

'Thanks… so, what kind of experiment have you got going on today?' Sara asked, her scientific brain eagerly switching on

'Well, we have 3 conflicting stories pertaining to a murder which was reported 3 days ago, but there's was bug activity that further contradicted the stories, there was also one of those volcanoes that kids make for the school science fair, so I've been trying to determine if the volcano can have an effect on the bugs that would be present, and their age…' before Grissom could even finish the sentence, Sara could smell the experiment he had set up, or rather, all 3 of them. Turning quickly she left the room, Grissom close on her heels

'Sara?'

'Sorry…' Sara tried to get her breathing under control 'The smell was a little… unexpected… and it's pigs… again…give me a minute, and then I'll be ok, I'll grab a facemask…'

'Are you sure?' Grissom asked, kicking himself for not having thought how Sara's hormones might not have agreed with the aroma of decaying flesh.

'Yeah… just give me a minute… I don't wanna screw up my first night back'

'You won't… really it's just selfishness on my part, I've missed having you around, and no one ever has time to run experiments with me… I thought it could be fun, I've got a chess board set up in there, and it's not the same playing against myself…if you'd rather start on the cold cases or evidence reviews…'

Sara smiled weakly 'No… no, I want to do this Grissom, I'll be ok in a minute, I just wasn't prepared is all…. I'll be back in a minute, ok?'

'Ok'

Sara walked back towards the locker room, deciding it would be best to grab her medications, and to keep them with her, she slipped on a lab coat, and then grabbed a couple of face masks, before returning to Grissom.

'Ready?' Grissom asked, making a few notes about his observations

'Yeah, what would you like me to do?'

'If you could take notes on Piggy 3…' he pointed to one of them, not making any comment on her appearance, hair tied back, face mask on, whilst he continued to write his own notes

'Ok, what am I looking for?'

'How much do you remember of the 'Frisco seminar where we met?'

'Enough…'

'Good, that's what we're looking for, unusual beetle growth and decay, as we know the acid from the volcano has slightly accelerated the rate of decomposition… after this, I have about 40 lemons in my office, and I've already put some in the showers changing room'

'Good, cuz we're gonna need them and it hasn't even got that bad yet'

'No… it hasn't… but, hopefully we'll have enough answers soon, at the moment I don't know which suspect to believe… we need to make notes every 20 or so minutes… during the day I've got video cameras set up, and Shelby coming in once an hour or so… the less people in the room the better, but at least were not outside this time'

Sara just shook her head at this, remembering all too well the case that he was referring too, and the trouble they had gone too for finding justice for the victim, Kaye Shelton, and how hard it had been to convict the husband. Once Sara had made her notes, and then compared her findings to the progress of the other two pigs, Grissom had set up the chess board

'Shall we?' he asked

'Please, I want to play black though'

Grissom responded by moving one of his white pawns, his eyes half on the board and half on the room.

'Gil?' Sara began about an hour later, they had been quiet up until that point, pausing in their game now and then to check on the progress of the decomp, now into their 2nd game, Grissom having won the first, but having to work hard to get it.

'Yeah Sara' he said, moving his bishop

'I'm sorry for letting things get so bad'

'I know you are, it's ok, I'm just glad you're getting the help and support you need now, we talked about this…'

'I know… I know we did, I'm still sorry though… thanks for not walking away from me… for supporting me… I know it can't have been easy… I won't mess up again'

Grissom just smiled, moving another piece, and taking one of Sara's pawns

'Gris?'

'Yeah'

'I know why, I just… I don't know how… my new position in the lab… '

'It was a mutual decision, I spoke to Conrad after I learnt he'd been to see you in the hospital… initially I was angry that no one had told me what was going on… that Catherine and Nick tried to cover it up, and then dragged more people into it… I didn't want to lose you, not knowing what Ecklie had already told you… I fought for your position, and then we actually sat, and talked like adults believe it or not…then we went to the board, and they agreed.'

Leaning across the table, Sara placed a kiss on Grissom's cheek, forgetting for a moment her face mask was in place 'Thank you'

Grissom blushed a little, eyes fixed firmly on the board, as he moved another piece

'Anytime'

The rest of the time went well, once again they split the time between recording the observations and playing chess, this time Sara won the game, not long into the 3rd game, Sara's alarm went off, prompting her to take her medicine

'Sorry…' she was a little embarrassed about it still; having people know she was on some heavy duty medication was different to having an audience.

'That's ok; I think it's time for a nature break and some coffee anyway… I've got a stack of paperwork in my office besides, I'll just set up the video equipment… you go ahead, and then perhaps you could get started on cold cases if no one has any evidence they need help with'

Sara nodded in understanding, slipping out of the room; she headed straight for the break room, where she could grab a drink and take her next dose. Sinking down into the sofa, she thought about having a well-deserved break, until she noticed the stench of decomp had followed her, and she practically ended up running into the locker room, breaking into Catherine's locker for some clean clothes, and then turning on the shower, getting the water as warm as possible, thankful for the lemons that Grissom had already placed there.

Hearing the door to the room open, Sara ignored it, it was part of having a semi communal shower room, the traffic in and out, hearing the lockers clatter, she heard someone call out her name

'Sara?'

At first she tried to ignore it, but as her name was called again, she found she couldn't

'Hey Greggo… how'd you know it was me?'

'Cuz Catherine's locker is open and I know she's not back yet…'

'Oh…' Sara carried on showering, deeply breathing in the scent of the lemons

'Have you been with Grissom?' Greg asked

'Yeah… look, Greg, I've missed you and all, but do you think we could talk when I'm not in the middle of a shower?'

'Sure… unless you want me to join you?' he joked

'Sure, you can join me' Sara quipped back 'When I'm deemed fit enough to not be on these prescriptions anymore, you can share as many showers with me as you like, I'll even let you wash my hair' she joked thinking that day would never come.

'Ace, I'll hold you to that Sara, it will come round soon enough… I promise I won't tell Catherine… I'm gonna stick on a pot of decaf coffee for you… see you in the break room' he called, grabbing what he needed from his own locker before leaving the room.

Finishing her shower, Sara dried herself off, slipping into yet more of Catherine's clothes, leaving her hair wet, she went in search of Greg.

'Here…' Greg handed her a mug 'I hear you're gonna help play matchmaker for Nick and Warrick… wanna help me?'

Shaking her head, Sara couldn't help but laugh 'From what I hear, Warrick doesn't really need my help'

'Still… You'd help me right, your most favourite person in the world?'

'You're not my most favourite Greggo…'

'Oh' he pulled a sad puppy dog face '2nd?'

'Nope'

'3rd?' he asked, his face getting sadder and sadder

'Maybe…'

'So who are your favourite people then?' Greg asked grinning, enjoying the light banter with Sara

'Catherine, and Lindsey… I know I don't know her that well yet… but she's important to Cat, so she's important to me… then there's bump… and Jim… Grissom… you're my favourite Gregory Sanders though' Sara winked

'Good to know… but you still haven't answered my question Sara'

'Fine… yes, I'll help… who do you like?'

'Well…' Greg blushed a little 'Now that I know you're taken… I really like Nick… it's driving me spare knowing he's sweet on someone else… so, you either need to help me let him see the error of his ways, or find me someone else'

Sara choked on her drink; she really hadn't seen that one coming

'Nick?' she questioned

'Yeah' came the Texan drawl from the door way, both Sara's and Greg's heads snapped upwards, a deer in the headlights look falling upon them.

'Oh…' Sara tried to recover herself 'Greggo was just telling me about one of your cases from last week' she covered, having heard the story from Catherine the other morning.

'Oh… that… that wasn't funny Greggo….how was I supposed to know the white powder was actually flour for once… anyway, shouldn't you be in DNA, come on, I've got evidence to hand over, my suspicious circs was a bit more complicated than we thought it would be… Franks already in the drying room with the clothes…'

'Sure…' Greg emptied his coffee mug, not daring to look at either of them; he followed Nick out of the room.

As soon as they were gone, she burst out laughing, and then quickly composed herself. Walking down to the evidence vault where cold case evidence and files were stored, she pulled out her phone, dialling Brass number; she'd promised to check in with him half way through the night

'Brass'

'Hey Dad' Sara said, still smiling about Greg's confession

'Hey Kiddo, how's work going?'

'Good thanks, had to shower already, I said yes to helping Grissom with an experiment… now I'm heading down to cold cases… Ecklie pretty much wrote a whole new position for me!'

'I know kiddo, Grissom gave me the heads up when you were with Catherine earlier… so, how are you two love birds now?'

'Never better, we actually sat down and talked, cleared the air. She's been great, you've been great…'

'I'd do anything for you Sara, you know that, right?'

'Yeah… I do, thanks, Dad… so, what have you been up too?'

'Well, I've been going over a cold case of my own, found some interesting bits of information, and I've been sorting out the paperwork to make this official… we can have a court date any day next week…. Either Judge Peterson or Judge Davies…'

'Not Davies' Sara cut in, her voice sharp, she leant against the wall

'Sara?' Brass asked, picking up on something in her voice

'I'll… just… next week is ok, just please only use Peterson… I'll explain later, ok?'

'Ok…. Are you going to be ok Sara? Do you want me to come and pick you up… I'm sure they'll understand if you want to leave early…'

'No, it's ok Jim, I want to get started on one of these cases… just pick me up after shift?'

'Sure thing kiddo… see you in a few hours'

Sara hung up the phone, resting against the wall for a moment longer; she shook it off, and then walked into the vault, looking down the aisles and aisles of boxes for a logical place to start. The newer the cold case, the more likely it could be solved, but the older cases had been awaiting justice for such a long time, and the more they gathered dust, the harder it would be.

Deciding to start by case type, Sara looked through the filing system in place, which in itself she thought could do with updating, and picked a 15 month old assault case linked with a downtown motel. First she looked to see if any other crimes had occurred at the motel, she found 17 over 20 years, 13 of which had been solved, and that at first glance looked unrelated, then she expanded her search to similar crimes in motels within a 10 mile radius of the motel, and found over a 100, 80 of which were solved, a further 14 unlikely to be related, leaving her with over 10 to compare with her unsolved case, presuming she hadn't inadvertently already crossed the others off her list, just because at first glance they seemed complete or unconnected. It was going to be a long night, taking this approach to work, but it was work that was needed. No matter how old the crime, someone was always waiting and deserving of justice, and someone else would be awaiting jail time and for the authorities to catch up with them.

Sara quickly got absorbed into the work, cross referencing the files, and making notes of physical evidence she would have to look at, soon enough she had a long list, and knew she would need help with it. Stretching, she looked at the clock, there were only 90 minutes left of shift. Getting up she headed to the bathroom and to grab some food, needing to stretch her legs a little bit. On her way back to the vault, she bumped into Catherine who was sporting a rather large grin.

'Case closed?' Sara asked, slipping her arm around Catherine's waist

'Case closed, and now my two grubby suspects are awaiting the D.A and are going down to county until trail, but it's gonna be a slam-dunk'

'Good, there the best kind of cases'

'Yes they are' Catherine couldn't wipe the smile off her face, as she leaned up to kiss Sara, not caring who was around to see them 'Mmmm, you smell nice…'

'Lemons… Grissom….'

'Ah, well, thanks for showering… are you wearing my clothes?' Catherine asked, her hand playing with the edge of Sara's shirt

'Yep… what are you going to do about it?'

'Oh I don't know… I could always strip you out of them later' Catherine whispered, her voice husky, her lips brushing against Sara's ear.

'Tempting…' Sara turned her head so she could kiss Catherine's neck, but then she pulled away, she was aware of their surroundings 'But I need to head back to the apartment for a bit… Brass is picking me up after shift… I'm sorry…'

'It's ok Sara, as happy as I am now with another solved case, I know I need to sleep soon… we can do something later perhaps?'

'I'd like that… are you starting another case now, or doing any paperwork or anything?'

'No… nothing that can't wait anyway'

'Can you help me please? Looking at one cold case has led to me needing to look at least another 10, and that's if my logic was in the right place…' Sara looked at the floor; it was rare that she asked for help at work

'Sure… let me grab a coffee, then you can show me what you've found so far ok?'

'Thanks Cat'

10 minutes later Sara was explaining how she had come up with the number of cases to look at, and what the next steps would be 'It could be nothing, you know how these cases can be… eyewitnesses aren't reliable, and evidence can be overlooked, sometimes we look to widely, others to narrowly… these cases could be connected, they could just be coincidence, but eventually they'll all need looking at…3 of the cases came close to being solved, and then were dropped, I don't know why… and if any of these tie in to already solved cases, we'll have even more digging to do, and then we have to fight to get a perps sentence adjusted to fit the new crime discovered, and that can be a whole different headache in itself… it's no wonder we have cases that never get solved properly… I'm tired just thinking about the work we'll need to do, but I'm also determined…'

'I know you are baby, that's what makes you such a good criminalist, your solve rate is one of the highest'

Sara blushed a little at the complement, and then set to work.

Soon enough the end of shift approached, and they had made good progress, they now had proof that 3 of the cold cases were connected, and possibly another 2 were, and they were hoping that by the start of next shift they would either have fingerprint or DNA proof of who it was, it they'd since been put into the systems.

Walking out into the parking lot together, Sara admired the colour of the sky at the early hour, hand in hand with Catherine as they waited for Brass to come and pick Sara up.

'I'm so glad you're back at work Sara'

'Me too' Sara pulled Catherine into a hug, holding her close 'me too' she whispered again

Hearing a car pull up, they pulled apart a little

'Morning love birds' Jim called pulling up next to them and rolling down his car window

'Morning Jim'

'Morning Dad'

Catherine pretended to shiver 'Ok, that's always going to be weird…'

'Get used to it, we're making it official next week' Brass beamed

'Yep' Sara eagerly agreed 'You know, I might even take on his last name, just to confuse everyone around here…'

'Sara Brass… that doesn't sound right… if you're gonna change your name Sara, Willows has a much better fit' Catherine smirked, kissing Sara once more before she got into the car

'Don't think I haven't thought about it' Sara quipped back, as Jim drove off.

'Good shift?' Brass asked as he drove

'Yes actually, I've made some good progress on some cold cases, just waiting for the reports to come through… and I made Grissom happy by helping out with one of his gross experiments again, I think he's missed having someone to do them with'

'Good' Brass turned the car onto one of the side roads towards Sara's house

'How about you, what cold case did you run down?'

'Ahh… that, I'll explain once were back and you've had something to eat ok?'

'Ok' Sara rested her head against the window, watching the world go by.


	47. Brass' Cold Case

Once Sara and Brass had finished eating, Sara changed into something more comfortable, putting a load of laundry on and sorting out a bag of clothes to take to the lab with her next shift. Once she'd done what she needed to do, Sara settled down on to the sofa, a glass of Iced Tea in her hand. She half wished it was beer, but she was also glad that it wasn't. For the most part she was glad to have overcome her addiction, but she still had moments of weakness, especially when the bad memories started to resurface. So far she had managed to resist, and she hoped she would continue to be strong. Lost in thought, she didn't notice Brass take a seat next to her.

'Everything ok Sara?' he asked, placing his hand on her knee. Startled, Sara turned to him 'Uhh…Sure, sure, just thinking… anyway, you were going to tell me about the cold case you looked at…'

Brass took a deep breath, trying to figure out what to say, and how best to say it. 'Yeah… I did say that, didn't I… but afterwards Sara, you need to tell me why not Judge Davies…'

Sara leaned back into the sofa 'Yeah… I suppose I do… have you got a good story to tell me, or not?' she questioned

'Well…' Jim began awkwardly 'It rather depends on your point of view…'

Sara nodded in understanding, and took a deep breath 'Let me tell you my story first then… I'll need some good news after what I need to tell you…' Brass just smiled in encouragement.

'Do you remember Judge Cohen?' Sara asked, placing her glass down on the table, and wrapping her arms tightly around her.

'Yeah, scumball corrupt Judge that Warrick got tangled in with back when he was gambling… I helped throw him in jail…' Brass frowned, not understanding how they had gotten from Davies to Cohen 'Sara?'

'Please… don't rush me' Sara whispered, a long silence falling over them, at last she spoke again.

'I'd been in Vegas for 13 days, I'd officially been part of the team for 4 days, I got a case with Nick, we needed a warrant, I offered to go, you know, wanting to make a good impression, connections… thought it would be a good idea to meet some of the Judges in person… I went to Cohen… he was sweet, he's just won some bet… he was in a good mood, he didn't only have Warrick running for him… I don't know who was… I ignored his flirting, thanked him for the warrant… I tried to leave… he grabbed me… he…. His hands were all over me… he raped me…' Sara was shaking by now, the tears falling fast 'I tried, I really tried to stop him… I nearly did. I was so scared… I was actually going to report him. Report a rape for the first time… it was all I could think… then someone walked in… Davies walked in… he laughed, unfazed by it, waited for Cohen to finish… then they both threatened me, said no one would believe me, a 'Frisco transfer against two well respected Judges… then Davies said something… and I knew, I just knew, I could never tell anyone, no matter what. He knew who I was… he was the Judge who took my Parent's case…. He knew about everything, he even knew I'd had a baby…. I promised my silence, then I left… I went to the clinic, but that's all I did… a few days later Cohen was arrested because of the gambling… the next morning after that, I received a phone call, it was Davies, threatening me to keep my silence on the matter… turns out Cohen and Davies are cousins… I've never told anyone… I haven't seen either since, I avoid Davies court, and Cohen I heard died of a heart attack about 6 months later… I didn't see the point in telling anyone… ' Sara wiped away at the last of her tears, feeling a little numb.

Brass wanted desperately to reach out to her, to take her in his arms and to hold her closely, his anger rising, but he knew that right now any form of comfort or touch would only be rejected.

'I'm sorry Sara… I'm so very sorry'

Smiling weakly, Sara managed to get out 'I know…'

'Sara… do you know if the phone call was ever recorded?'

'I… I don't know, why?' she pulled the blanket from the back of the sofa around her shoulders, something she'd been doing a lot of lately

'Well… now that people know a bit more, about your past, his threat has no weight… we can go after him, if you like? If it will help?' he moved, and placed his hand near her leg, not quite close enough to touch her, but so she knew she could take it, if she wanted

Reaching out, Sara grabbed his hand, entwining their fingers 'Tell me about your case…'

'Sara… I don't think now's the time…' he sighed, squeezing her hand gently

'Why not? Unless I'm involved somehow, nothing can be as bad as what I've just told you' despite herself, Sara smirked

'I wouldn't be so sure… and you are, involved, I mean…'

Sara snatched her hand back, unsure of what Brass could mean

'Jim?'

'Sara…You know I care about you, but after learning what I did the other day, at your session, about your parents, about your Mother… I just wanted to know a bit more… I pulled a few files, looked into it… I came across something really interesting…'

'I don't want to know Brass!' Sara snapped 'You had no right to do that, no right! What could you have possible found out about my own life that I DON'T ALREADY KNOW!' Sara screamed, getting up from the sofa, beginning to pace up and down.

Brass took a deep breath, not wanting to shout back. He waited, hoping Sara would calm down. She was pacing for another 5 minutes, before collapsing on to the sofa exhausted.

'I'm sorry…'

'I know you are' Jim said, smiling weakly, but not liking how volatile Sara could still be.

'Are you ready to listen?'

Sara just nodded, curling up on to the sofa, picking at a loose thread on the blanket.

'I came across a document, the Bed and Breakfast, it went to auction after…after what happened'

'So?' Sara questioned 'It was run down in places, we never had customers towards the end, I didn't want it even if I could have, I don't care what happened to it'

'I think you're going to want to hear what I have to say Sara, are you going to listen?' Brass questioned, trying not to get impatient. He knew that Sara was still feeing raw from her confession, and probably over tired from her first day back at work, but he also hoped that after he had told her what he had discovered, that her mood might improve.

'Yes' Sara pushed herself up a little, wanting to give Brass her full attention.

'The B and B went to auction, along with the 25 acres of land it was on'

'26.4' Sara corrected him

'Anyway' he continued 'You're right, the building itself needed a lot of repair work towards the end, but it was an impressive size, on good land, in a great location… it had access to a semi-private beach, a stream that ran down to the sea…'

'And woodland, yes I know, it's where I grew up'

'Yes… did you know that when it was surveyed prior to auction it was discovered that it had gold and silver ores in the ground, and in another area some rare species were nesting, some birds…to be honest, when it went to auction, the house wasn't really at the forefront of the bidders minds, but rather what the land held… it had an estimated worth of $350,000… it was up against someone who wanted the gold and silver, and someone who wanted to set it up as a nature reserve… I'm pleased to say that the nature reserve won out… by the time they won the bid was up to $440,000. At this time Sara, you were in the system, having your own troubles, and no one knew how to tell you. It seems it was decided that the money would be placed in a trust fund, that you would be given access to it when you turned 21. By that time though, no one knew how to find you… they tried, but they gave up. The money has been just sat there, waiting… gathering interest… and now, it's all yours…. Every last penny. I found the records, the fund, everything… I don't know who set up the fund, that's the only thing I'm having trouble finding, but it's a very generous fund, with very generous terms… ' Brass paused, taking her hands 'Sara, they applied interest too it…'

Sara's head shot up 'How much…' she whispered, her heart racing, she couldn't believe that she had that amount of money, that she'd struggled on and off throughout her life with finances, to be told she had close to half a million in funds, on top of the compensation she had asked for from the lab, her breathing heavy

'5% compound interest over 17 years'

Sara's jaw dropped, her breathing getting even more ragged, as Jims words registered in her mind, her analytical and scientific side taking over, doing the maths in her head. She couldn't believe the figure that came into her mind, and she lurched over, vomiting on the floor, her whole body shaking.

'It's ok Sara, it's ok….I've got you…I've got you'

$1,008,488' Sara repeated over and over,

'Yeah sweetie… a little over a million dollars… '

Lurching over, Sara was sick once more, the shook too much for her to handle right now.

'Come on…' Brass pulled her up gently 'Let's get you in the shower, and then in the bed, we can talk about this later…'

Sara followed him, a little unsteady on her feet, repeating the figure again.

Xxxxx

a/n sorry it's been a while folks, I've either been busy with work, or sleeping. I actually took a sick day this afternoon, for the first time in this job as I was so exhausted. Hope to write again on Monday, energy levels depending, as I've not long found out I'm in Sara's position, so to say, currently 8 weeks pregnant… I'm excited, but drained.


	48. Practice

Jim perched on the edge of Sara's bed as she tried to get comfortable, her hand running absentmindley over her small bump. 'How are you feeling now Sweetie?' he asked, placing his hand on her shoulder.

'Better… thanks' tilting her head, Sara looked a little embarrassed 'I'm sorry for being sick…'

'Don't worry about it Sara, I've dealt with worse' Brass chuckled, a strange look coming over his face

'Yeah?' Sara questioned, smirking a little 'Like what?'

'Oh, I don't know, splattered brain matter on one of my first cases as a cop…oh, and Ellie's first few diapers were something! They don't tell you that when you're expecting… be prepared'

Sara's face fall a little, her hand stilling it's motion on her stomach 'Yeah… I know… I remember'

Brass kicked himself, of course Sara already knew what a new born was like 'Sara…' he sighed

'It's fine, don't worry about it, it was a long time ago' Sara tried to smile, but she did a poor job. 'Dad?' she asked at last, her head sinking further into the pillows

'Yeah love?' he asked, tucking some stray hair behind her ear.

'Do I really have all that money?' she blinked a few times, trying to stay awake for a while longer

'Yeah sweetheart, you do, there's a little bit of paperwork to sort out, but it shouldn't take too long… with the trust fund and compensation, you could buy this whole apartment complex, and then some' he smiled, his hand still running through her hair.

Blinking a few more times, Sara yawned 'I'm gonna start that foundation I mentioned… I don't need all of that money to myself… ' yawning again she paused 'That's what some of the compensation money was going to go on anyways… now I can do something better… help more people…' Sara trailed of, blinking a few more times before she succumbed to sleep.

'You're a good person Sara… I'm proud to have you as a daughter' Brass whispered, so as not to disturb her, placing a kiss on her forehead, he stood and quietly left the room.

Xxx

Jim was to wound up too think about sleeping, he had never really liked Judge Davies, he didn't generally like Judges as a whole, but he had never known the Judge to be questionable in the past. He was finding it very hard not to rush down there right now and punch the guy, to hurt him, for helping to cover up something so terrible that had happened to Sara, his Sara. A little guiltily, he poured himself a large scotch. It was the first time he had allowed himself to drink in Sara's apartment, even if he had had the bottle in the bottom of his suitcase the whole time. As much as he wanted to go after the Judge though, he knew that it would be Sara's choice to pursue the matter, or not. He feared that she would still do nothing about it, after all, it had been a few years since Cohen had attacked her, and almost 3, no 4 weeks, since the incidence in the hotel where Sara's darkest secrets had begun to be exposed. Swallowing a large gulp of scotch, he realised all he could do was stand behind any decision that Sara made, whether he thought they were the right one's or not. Stashing the bottle back in his suitcase, he set about getting ready for bed himself, thinking over everything that he had come to know about the brunette in the past few weeks.

Xxx

Startled awake by the phone ringing, Sara tried to even out her breathing, rubbing at her eyes a little, stretching to grab the phone 'Hello' she mumbled sleepily, not looking at the caller ID.

'Hey… did I wake you?' a tentative voice asked

Sara glanced at the clock, sitting up in bed a little 'Yeah… but don't worry, about time I got up anyways'

'Want me to call you back?'

'No, it's fine, I'm awake now Greggo' she rolled her eyes a little, knowing she wouldn't get back to sleep now even if she tried. She could sense that Greg was smirking at her from the other end of the line 'What's up?' she asked, wondering why he was calling her

'Oh, nothing too much, just wondered if you wanted to meet for lunch or to go to the park or something, hang out for a bit, you know' he questioned, his voice almost begging.

Stretching a little more, Sara pretended to think it over for a bit 'Lunch would be good… but there's something else…' her voice sounded a little unsure, fearing that Greg wouldn't approve, let alone Brass, Catherine or anyone else for that matter.

'Yeah?' Greg questioned cautiously

'I want to go to the shooting range…'

Greg sighed, unsure how to even respond to that 'Sara….'

'Forget it…' Sara cut him off, she should have known he wouldn't understand, not that he'd even given her a chance to explain

'Sara, it's not that… well, it is a little bit, It's just I know, until things settle down Ecklie has banned you from carrying…'

Sara interrupted him again 'Yeah, from carrying, he didn't say anything about practice, and besides, my competency test is due in the next few weeks, and I want to be prepared for when I'm back in the field…'

'And?' Greg cut in, sensing there was more to it than that

'And,' Sara conceded 'It's been a hell of a few weeks, and it's one of the few outlets I hope I have left, I'm not drinking or cutting, or sleeping around, I can't get to the gym so much, or have the energy to run or walk… the range was, is, something that helps me to focus, to channel my anger into… it may not seem like it helped Greg, but it did… everything would have been a lot worse without it…'

Hearing the desperation in her voice, Greg found himself relenting 'You have to clear it with at least Ecklie first… Probably Sylvia or Eloise… ideally Catherine, and Brass… and you know, being a lowly lab tech, I've never even fired a gun before… but… if it's what you want, if you really think it will help, I'll come with you, but I get to choose where we go for food, and I say we go to pizza planet' Greg smirked, just imaging the eye roll that Sara would be directing his way

'You're such a big kid, you know that, right?' she giggled a little 'But, seriously, thanks… I'm glad you rang Greggo…'

'Me too, now then, are you going to ring Ecklie?'

'Do you really think I have too?' Sara questioned

'Yes Sara, and you know it… now, I'm gonna hang up so you can ring who you need to, and I'll come pick you up…' he glanced at his watch 'In about an hour, ok?'

'Ok… Greg…Thanks'

'Anytime' he said softly before hanging up.

Getting out of bed, Sara pulled some clean clothes on, and then padded out the room quietly, unsure if Brass would be awake or not. Perching on the edge of the coffee table, she watched him for a minute or two, before stretching her hand out and shaking his shoulder slightly 'Dad… Dad, wake up….' Brass stirred, and blinking, he smiled up at her 'Hey kiddo, everything alright?' rubbing his eyes, he sat up a little

'Yeah…' Sara looked down nervously 'I… I need to ask you something…'

Brass pulled her over so she was sat next to him 'You can talk to me about anything Sara'

'I know…' she smiled weakly 'I… I want to go to the shooting range this afternoon…' resting her head against his shoulder, she waited, expecting him to object.

Brass was silent for a short while, his hand rubbing against Sara's shoulder 'I don't see why not' he said at last 'I could use a little practice myself, but your guns still confiscated, so you'll have to use whatever's there… that's assuming, you want an old man like me tagging along?'

Sara couldn't help but smile, moving she placed a kiss on Brass' cheek 'Greg's agreed to come with me, but I'd be happy if you were there too'

'Greg? Sanders? He doesn't even own a gun, I'm definitely not missing out on this then, I love seeing people use a gun for the first time'

'Hey, don't be mean, he might be good, you don't know… were going to Pizza planet too, if you want?'

'Sounds good to me, save us having to cook… ' Brass fall silent 'Ecklie…'

'Yeah… I know, Greg says I have to run it past him, and at least one of my Drs… '

'And Catherine, are you planning on telling her?'

Sara shrugged, a little unsure 'I don't know…'

'If I learnt anything from my failed marriage, it's that secrets are never good. You should tell her, before someone else does, imagine how she'd feel if she heard from Conrad bloody Ecklie of all people… you never know, she might even want to come along'

'You're right… I guess I should make a few phone calls, Greg's gonna be here at about 2'

'Ok, I'll grab a quick shower then'

Picking up the phone Sara dialled the Lab before her nerves could get the better of her

'Good afternoon, Las Vegas Crime Lab, Judy speaking, how may I help?' came the receptionist's sweet voice

'Hey Judy, it's Sara'

'Hi Miss Sidle, how can I help?' Judy's voice changed a little, as she relaxed knowing she was speaking to someone she knew

'Sara, please, you've known me long enough'

'Of course… how can I help, Sara?' Judy asked again

'Is Ecklie in the lab or his office today?'

'Yeah, I believe so, let me just check…' Sara could hear Judy typing something on the computer 'Yes, let me put you through Sara'

'Thanks Judy' Sara heard the phone click and start ringing again, and she waited for the line to be picked up

'Hi Sara, everything ok?' Ecklie asked, sounding a little tired

'Hi Conrad…I need to ask you something, actually, I need your approval on something…' Sara confessed

'Go on'

'My gun proficiency test is due in a few weeks, and I know I'm not allowed to carry for now, but I was hoping you'd let me at least practice at the range? I won't go alone, Captain Brass and Greg Sanders have offered to come with me' Sara sounded hopeful, but knew it was likely that he would deny her request.

Ecklie thought about it for a moment, running through the benefits of allowing her, and ultimately, the cost, if later she failed the test and had to be retrained from scratch 'Ok. But, there are a few conditions'

'Anything' Sara eagerly agreed, before he could change his mind

'I want to know your result when you come into work later, you get no more than 30 shots, and you have to hire out a gun, at your own expense, I can't let you have your service weapon back just yet. You also have the responsibility of making sure Sanders doesn't blow his own foot off'

Sara nodded in understanding, forgetting for a moment that he couldn't see her

'Thank you, I appreciate you saying yes'

'Sure… and Sara?' he said just before hanging up 'Thanks for running this by me first, I can imagine it wasn't easy'

Sara couldn't help but scoff a little 'No, it wasn't' she agreed, before hanging up herself.

Sitting back into her seat, she smiled, her hand once again resting on her stomach.

Now she just had to ring Catherine, and hope that she would understand.

Dialling the familiar number she waited for Catherine to answer, hoping she wasn't disturbing her from anything

'Hey sweetheart' the cheery voice answered, causing Sara to jump a little, she'd been so lost in thought, she hadn't heard the click of the phone being answered

'Hi… am I interrupting anything?' she asked quietly

'No love, you're not, how did you sleep?' she could hear Catherine moving about.

'Ah… Yeah, I slept'

'But?' Catherine questioned picking up on the words that Sara wasn't saying.

'I had an interesting talk with Jim about a few things before sleeping, then exhausted myself… but, everything's ok, it will be ok' Sara smiled weakly. 'How about yourself?' she asked before Catherine could question her any further

'Oh, ok thanks, got about 5 hours, but that's about normal, I'll get another hour or two later maybe, just trying to do a bit of housework at the moment, whilst Lindsey is at school. Am I seeing you before work?' Catherine asked, grabbing the laundry from the dryer, phone propped against her shoulder

'I said I'd hang out with Greg and Jim for a bit… would you like to come?' she asked, sounding hopeful, wondering if Catherine would agree without asking where they were going. She had no such luck

'That depends Sara, where are you going?'

'Pizza planet… and the shooting range…' Sara added the last bit barely over a whisper, feeling nervous to how Catherine would react.

'Really?' Catherine questioned 'Of all the nice places to go to eat in Vegas, you pick pizza planet?'

'Cat, did you even hear me?' Sara asked, and edge to her voice

'Yes, I heard you, and it doesn't matter if I approve or not Sara, if you want to go I don't see how any of us can stop you…' Catherine snapped a little. The truth was she was very anxious about Sara going, she knew she wouldn't do anything stupid whilst there, but she still worried it was too soon after everything that had happened.

'Cat…' Sara cut her off 'I care about what you think, I'll understand if you want to say no…'

A silence fall between them, which at last Catherine broke

'Why do you want to go Sara, honestly?'

Catherine could hear Sara sigh through the line 'Cat… I…'

'If you can't even tell me Sara, to honestly tell me, I think you know it's not the right thing to do' Catherine said, her voice soft but stern.

'It's a vice that helps, and it's also the safest, least destructive vice I have left… it's almost like therapy for me…I'm not drinking, cutting, sleeping around, I'm not smoking or taking drugs save these damn prescriptions… I'm too tired to run, exercise… the therapy sessions only get me so far… I need this Catherine…' Sara paused, taking a deep breath 'I…I told Brass something earlier, and to be honest, I'm still a little shook up by it, and then I found out that there's been a trust fund in my name since just after my Father died and it's worth just over a million dollars… '

Catherine cut her off 'Sara… Sara, stop' once Sara had stopped rambling, Catherine spoke up again 'What did you tell Brass?' her voice was soft

'I'd rather wait to tell you in person Catherine, it's not exactly something you tell someone over the phone… look, I want, no need, to go to the range, I need this, and I'd like your approval' Sara said, trying to keep the emotions out of her voice

'When are you going?' Catherine asked, realising she was fighting a losing battle

'Greg's picking us up just after 2'

'If you go to the range first, Lindsey and I could meet you at pizza planet after she finishes school?'

Sara couldn't help but smile, it wasn't exactly approval, but it wasn't a no either

'What time does she finish?'

'3.45… meet you at the pizza planet on Henwick Avenue at 4?'

'Sure… Thank you'

'You're buying…' Sara rolled her eyes at this 'Be careful'

'I will be… Cat?' Sara called out just before the blonde could hang up

'Yeah?'

'I love you'

'I love you too sweetheart, I'll see you later'

Both women hung up the phone sighing, it hadn't been the phone call that either of them had expected.

Catching sight of the clock Sara realised Greg would be there in 20 minutes, grabbing an apple to go on with, she finished getting ready.

Xxx

'Welcome to the gun emporium and shooting range, how may I help today?' A man in his late 40's asked, he was wearing a checked shirt and had short dark hair.

'3 for the target range please' Sara said '2 gun hires, 30 rounds each' Sara flashed her CSI ID and watched as Greg and Brass did the same

'I have my own gun' Brass added, pointing to his weapon

'Have you all shot before?' the man asked, casting a glance over at Greg

'No…' he admitted

'You'll need to go through some basic training, it'll cost extra' the man, name Paul stated, pulling out some paperwork 'Fill this in'

Greg took the papers, filling in the details required

'We'll train him, don't worry about that' Brass stated, his voice firm, leaving no room for argument.

'Sure, whatever…' the man shrugged, he was too tired to argue, and he hated training new people anyway. 'What do you want to use today?'

'Standard LVPD issue is fine for us both' Sara cut in, grabbing her credit card out of her wallet 'Here, charge it all to this…'

'Sure…' Paul processed the card, issuing the guns, bullets, and safety equipment that they would need 'Enjoy'

Mumbling a thanks, Greg handed him the papers, and followed Sara and Brass into the room that held the targets.

Just as they entered the room, someone walked out, bumping into them, 'Sorry…' Brass muttered under his breath, rolling his eyes at the man.

'Sorry…' came the genuine reply, the Texan accent causing Brass to raise his head 'Nick…' he broke out into a grin, Greg cast a nervous glance to Sara before averting his eyes.

Nick looked at the people stood before him 'Hey… what are you doing here?' he directed his question at Sara, who couldn't help but roll her own eyes at the question

'Getting in a little target practice Nicky, same as everyone else here' she smirked

Nick looked a little sheepish, it wasn't what he had meant, but he thought better of saying anything else

'Were going to Pizza planet with Catherine and Lindzz after' Brass said, making his way further into the room 'Why don't you hang around and join us, besides, Greggo over here has never shot a gun before, so this is something you're going to want to see'

Nick looked over at Greg, who was avoiding looking anywhere but at Nick right now.

'Sure…' he agreed, glancing over at Sara 'So who's teaching the resident lab rat then?'

'Well, I was going too, but seeming as you've just finished your own practice, I'll leave it up too you.'

Greg shot a begging stare over at Sara, hoping she would change her mind, this was the last thing that he needed right now.

'Yeah yeah' Nick agreed 'Come on… please tell me you at least know which end to hold?' he teased Greg

'I'm not an idiot Nick' Greg scowled, following after him to the station.

Soon the sounds of Sara's and Brass's guns could be heard, even with all four of them wearing protective ear defenders.

'So…' Nick took hold of Greg's gun, and took his stance, demonstrating to the younger man how to stand, preparing himself, he eyed the target, and let of one shot, before placing the gun down, and calling for the paper target to come forward, grinning when he saw that he had hit the target in the right shoulder. Taking out a pen, he marked the shot so they would know which of the remaining rounds came from Greg himself.

'Did you catch what I did?'

'Yeah…' Greg said, trying to sound confident, trying to mimic the stance that Nick had used

'Ok, ok good…' Nick said observing his friend, he took a step back and gestured for Greg to take his first shot, and then waited for him to put the gun down, calling the target forward again, they saw that the bullet had missed the outline of the human target by about 5 inches to the right, about level with the hips.

'Ok, not bad, aim higher and more centrally… here, let me show you…' Nick handed Greg the gun, stepping behind him, he placed his arm along Greg's guiding it a little higher than it had been, his other hand touching his waist 'square your legs, it will help with the recoil…' Greg's breath hitched a little at the close contact, closing his eyes for a brief second, he took a moment, and then aimed again, Nick's hands still in place, he pulled the trigger for the second time. This time they could see that Greg had successfully hit the target, it was only a little higher, but it was more central, hitting the target in what would be the stomach area 'Ouch….' Nick said into Greg's ear, raising his voice a little so he could be heard through the ear defenders 'That would be a painful shot and one hell of a mess for the surgeons… dare I think who you imagined the target to be?' Greg turned his head a little, but didn't say anything, then he turned back to the target, and shot out 3 more times in close succession, feeling the need to try and prove himself to the Texan man, and to also get the experience over and done with as quickly as possible.

Dropping his arms, but staying close, Nick watched the bullets tear into the target sporadically, but each at least hitting the outline of the figure before them. He winced slightly when the last one hit the man between the legs. Before Greg could fire again, Nick placed his hand back on Greg's shoulder, and pulled him away slightly 'Take 5…'

Greg put the gun down in response, but didn't say anything.

'How'd you find it?' he asked, taking in Greg's slightly flushed appearance

'Alright' Greg mumbled, glancing around the room. Nick knew something else was going on, but chose not to question him further at this time.

'Ok, go again when you're ready, I'll watch your next 5 shots, then give you more guidance if you need, just remember to take a breath between each one, no one expects you to be perfect on day one'

Stepping back up to the barrier, Greg picked the gun up again, perfecting his stance a little, he pulled the trigger, waiting for each bullet to land before shooting again. He was aware that behind him Brass had joined Nick in watching him, although he wasn't sure if Brass was just taking a break, or if he had already finished. Once he was done, he called the target forward once more, grinning with pride as he saw that he had gotten two shoulder hits, two more to the upper stomach, and one straight through the chest.

'Not bad Sanders' Brass conceded 'Just another 20 to go, keep going' he encouraged

'Thanks…' Greg smiled, turning around, forgetting he still had the gun in his hands. Nick and Jim ducked quickly, and Greg realised what he had done, turning quickly he placed the gun back down, his face red with embarrassment, he stepped back from the barrier once more.

'Maybe I shouldn't do this…' he made to walk away.

Although Sara hadn't seen what Greg had done directly, she had seen Nick and Jim throw themselves down on the floor 'Don't you dare quit' Sara shouted to him, as Nick grabbed his arm, stopping him 'Do you know how many times I did that when I was younger, I bet even Dad did Greggo' Sara emptied her clip, another 3 bullets flying towards the target 'Besides, I know your guns empty right now, if I know Nick, I know he only loads 10 bullets at a time, unlike me who loads a gun correctly' placing the gun down, she stepped back so she could actually see them.

'Hey' Nick began to protest

'Am I wrong?' she questioned, one eyebrow raised

'No…'

'Good, now get shooting Greggo, you've another 20 to go, make the most of it'

'Ok' Greg smiled weakly, moving back into place, as Brass moved back to his own target area. Nick began reloading the gun carefully and slowly, so Greg could see once more what to do, and then handed him the piece with the safety on.

Nick stood close again, moving his hand on to Greg's shoulder, he felt the younger man's breath hitch slightly, he tightened his grip, stepping even closer, a thought running through his head. He felt the younger man tense at his closeness, and then took a small step back, noticing him relax again. A grin crept over his face, he placed his hand on Greg's hip once more 'Square your body' he reminded him, his fingers twitching slightly against the fabric of Greg's top. Bracing himself, Greg fired the rest of the gun, remembering to breathe and re-aim between each one.

About another 20 minutes later Greg and Sara had used up all of their bullets, Brass having finished so about 5 minutes before them. Carefully they removed the targets from the frames holding them up, as Greg wanted a souvenir from the afternoon.

'Not bad' Sara smiled at him '18 out of 29 shots hit the target, 3 of which would have been fatal, one of which was just cruel' she smirked, gesturing to the shot between the targets legs

'Says you!' all three men said at once, crossing their legs a little, Sara had hit her target successfully all 30 times, 5 times to the stomach, 3 times to the shoulder, 2 in the arm, 3 in the leg, 6 in the chest, 3 in the head and the remaining 8 in the groin.

'Yeah well, I've got anger issues clearly'

Wisely, they chose not to say anything to that. Gathering their things, they made to leave

'So Nicky' Sara called over her shoulder 'Are you coming for pizza?'

'That depends' he answered

'Yeah?'

'Depends on who you and Greg were thinking about when you shot the poor target' he joked, hoping Sara, and Greg, would understand his joking tone

'Oh, wouldn't you like to know' they said at practically the same time, both bursting into a fit of laughter.

Xxxx

'Hey Lindsey, how was school?' Catherine asked wrapping her arms around her daughter

'Ok, I shared my lunch with Jimmy, some bully knocked juice all over his'

Catherine frowned, she hated bullying of any kind, especially when children of Lindsey's age were partaking in it

'What did the teachers do?'

'Nothing, Jimmy didn't want to tell them, it would only make things worse Mummy'

Catherine sighed, annoyingly Lindsey had a point 'Well I'm glad he has a friend in you and that you know better, if ever you want him to come over, you just need to ask Lindsey'

'Thanks Mum…' Lindsey's stomach growled a little

'Hungry?' Catherine giggled

'Yeah, Jimmy has a good appetite'

'It's even kinder that you shared then, listen, how do you fancy going to pizza planet?'

Lindsey turned in her car seat 'I thought you said we couldn't go out to eat on a school night'

'I did, but Uncle Greg, Uncle Brass and Sara have invited you, would you like to come?'

Lindsey slumped in her seat 'You mean, they invited you, and I just have to come along because I'm too young to be left alone'

'No Lindsey, that's not what I meant at all, if I didn't want you there, we would have gone before you finished school, and I wouldn't have told you. I want you there, they all want you there. What do you say?'

With this, Lindsey brightened up a little 'Can I get ice cream afterwards?' she said hopefully

Xxx

By the time Catherine and Lindsey walked into the resturant, Sara and the boys were already there, with Nick in tow. She couldn't help but smile at the sight. It was nice to meet her colleagues outside of work, and it was even nicer having Lindsey alongside her. 'Hey guys' she called out, a hand on Lindsey's shoulder, as she walked over to the table. All four sets of eyes looked over to her and Lindsey 'Hey' everyone called out

'Uncle Nick!' Lindsey screeched when she noticed the Texan, she hadn't been expecting to see him, and practically threw herself into his arms

'Hey Lindzz' he chuckled, wrapping his arms around her 'You're getting pretty big, huh, must be all those vegetables you're eating' he joked

'Yuck!' she shivered at the thought

'Hey, nothing wrong with Veggies Lindsey!' Sara snapped, pretending to be more hurt than she was.

'But Broccoli is so disgusting' Lindsey mumbled, moving out of Nicks arms

'That's one vegetable out of 100's… what about carrots?' Sara questioned

'Meh…' Lindsey shrugged 'Who wants to talk about vegetables when we're here to eat pizza anyway… ' Lindsey sat down on the edge of the booth seat, forcing Nick to shuffle closer to Greg who was sat in the corner. Turning her attention back to Nick, she questioned him 'Mum didn't tell me you would be here'

'That's because Mummy didn't know' Catherine cut in, taking a seat next to Sara, placing a kiss on her lips as she did so.

'Anyway' Brass spoke up 'I'm famished, lets order, Sara's paying' he winked 'So order whatever you want'

'Really?' Lindsey questioned eagerly

'No Lindsey' Catherine cut in once more, sending a look in Brass' direction 'Only order what you'll actually eat, I don't want you wasting any of it or picking something you won't like just because someone else is paying, it isn't fair or nice, or right.'

'Yes Mum…' Lindsey sighed, looking at the menu trying to decide, even though Catherine knew she would most like order ham and pineapple or margarita.

Knowing that Lindsey was distracted, Catherine asked how the afternoon had gone

'Yeah… it went well' Greg smiled, casting a glance over to Lindsey, unsure of how much she knew about, and understood about, firearms.

'Yeah, it did, didn't it' Nick smiled, slipping his hand under the table, and resting it high up on Greg's leg.

Xxx

a/n hope you enjoyed the chapter : ) couldn't resist putting in a little greg-nick in here.


	49. Double Take

Once the food had been ordered, Greg excused himself to the bathroom, needing to compose himself for a minute or two. It had been hard not to react to Nicks hand on his leg, and he had no idea what the Texan had meant by it. Pulling himself together, he walked back over to the group again, and not wanting to disturb anyone, he pulled a chair up to the side of the table. It didn't take long for the food to arrive, an easy banter falling over the group.

'Hey Sara, Sweetie, slow down a little…' Catherine said when she noticed that for her 2 slices Sara was on her 6th

'I can't help it…' Sara mumbled whilst still eating the pizza 'This baby is making me ravenous'

'Doesn't mean you can stop chewing' Catherine grumbled, hoping Lindsey wouldn't notice or start to copy Sara. In response Sara just rolled her eyes, but she did resist picking up another slice, and lasted all of 20 seconds.

'Wow, someone's greedy, are we sure there's just one?' Greg piped up from the side of the table

'Fuck you Greg' Sara snapped between bites

'Yeah, Fuck you Greg' Lindsey echoed mimicking Sara's actions, causing everyone to almost choke on their food.

'Lindsey Willows!' Catherine snapped, eyes wide, as Sara finally placed down her piece of pizza, shocked by what had happened.

'Lindzz…' Sara began, trying to make it better, eyes darting between the two women in front of her.

'Sorry…' Lindsey mumbled, realising that she had done something bad.

'Lindsey we don't use bad language, no matter what you hear, and you don't talk with food in your mouth either, now saw sorry to Greg and grab your bag, if you can't be nice, were leaving' Catherine snapped, not caring who was around right now

'But Sara…'

'Sara is an adult and should know better, that doesn't mean you have to copy her Lindsey'

The atmosphere grew even tenser, the boys trying to make themselves unnoticed.

'Lindsey, your Mother's right, you shouldn't copy me or say things you don't understand'

Lindsey was now even more confused, she heard her Mother swear all the time, and she thought Sara was a cool person, and someone she wanted to emulate.

'But I wanna be like you…' she confessed quietly

'No you don't!' Catherine and Sara snapped at the same time.

'Maybe we should…' Greg cut in, gesturing to the door, wanting to leave

'No, not until Lindsey, and Sara, have apologised to you' Catherine said, her voice stern

'I'm sorry Uncle Greg…' Lindsey mumbled quietly

'I'm sorry Greg' Sara said in a quiet voice, her, and everyone else appetite's quite gone. 'Excuse me…' she added, standing up from the table, practically stepping over Catherine to escape the table.

Xxx

Sara didn't know what she wanted to do right now, her mind was telling her to leave the restaurant all together, but her body was telling her that once again, mother nature was calling and she had to once again relieve her bladder. Darting to the bathroom, she did what she needed to, whilst trying to compose herself. It had never once crossed her mind that what she did or said could affect how Lindsey would behave, that the little girl would see her as a role model. Slipping out of the bathroom, she left pizza planet, and headed towards Greg's car, not caring how long she might have to wait for a lift home, but not sure she could face anyone right now, especially Catherine.

Xxx

'I'm sorry Greg' Catherine sighed, watching Sara's retreating back 'I don't know what's got in to Lindsey'

Greg just tried to shrug it off 'Doesn't matter, I know she didn't mean it'

'But that's the point, if she doesn't know what it means, she shouldn't be saying it…' she turned and directed her attention to her daughter 'should you Lindsey?'

'No Mum' she mumbled 'I really am sorry…'

'I know you are…'

'I think we best call it a night…' Greg said, trying to keep his voice light 'You coming Brass?'

'I'll be there in a minute' he smiled at Nick and Greg, hoping they would get the hint that he wanted a minute or two alone with Catherine and Lindsey. Nodding in understanding, the two walked out of the restaurant.

'Well, at least we know that Sara is eating properly now' Nick said, trying to lighten the mood

'Yeah, but that little incident is going to really set her progress back Nick…'

'Hey hey…' Nick flung an arm around Greg's shoulder 'You can't blame yourself Greggo, I was thinking the same thing, you just said it out loud, no one knew Sara would react like that, or that Lindsey would think it appropriate to copy her..' he pulled Greg a little closer

'I know…' Greg sighed, in part because of what had happened, and in part because he was close to Nick, so close he could smell his shower gel. Walking towards where they had parked the car, Nick kept his arm around Greg's shoulder, not removing it when they stopped walking.

'I mean it Greg' he said at last

'Yeah…' Greg shuffled away, leaning against the car 'It's just I always seem to put my foot in it… call it a talent'

Nick smirked, taking the tiniest step closer, still intrigued by Greg's actions at the shooting range and when they had first sat down at the table.

'I like someone with talent…' Nick husked, his arm moving to rest on the car above Greg's shoulder.

Greg just scoffed, blushing a little 'No, you like blue eyed, blonde haired younger chicks and playing the hero, as long as you get someone in bed, you don't care too much'

Nick pulled back, slightly hurt 'That's not true…'

'Yeah Nicky, it is… Look, thanks for teaching me earlier, but I'm tired, perhaps you could drive Sara and Brass home…' Greg moved to get away from Nick, suddenly finding their closeness too much to handle, but before he could get very far, Nick had grabbed his arm, pinned him back against the car, and had kissed him. It took a moment for Greg to realise what was happening, to respond, at first he wanted to push Nick away, moving his hand up to the man's chest, he had every intention of doing so, but as Nick begged for entrance with his tongue, he changed his mind, and pulled him in closer, granting access as his other hand moved to rest on Nicks hip.

As Sara approached the car, she did a double take, at first she thought perhaps she had approached the wrong vehicle, but she knew she hadn't. She blinked a few times, her mind trying to register what her eyes were seeing.

Nick had Greg pinned up against the car, kissing him passionately, and Greg was offering up no resistance. Sara thought for a moment about making her presence known, and then decided against it, instead she started walking down the road towards a familiar location.

Xxx

'Catherine, you know Sara never meant for Lindsey to copy her, don't you?' Brass asked, placing his hand on the table close to hers

'Yeah…' Catherine sighed 'I know, still, it was a shock though…'

She had sent Lindsey off to wash her hands before they left so the car wouldn't get sticky

'And you know that Sara would hate the thought of being a bad influence on someone, especially Lindzz, right?'

'Yeah' Catherine smiled weakly 'I know… I just wish I knew why Lindsey thought it was ok, and why she wants to be like Sara of all people…' Catherine tipped her head back, realising what she had said, and how it would sound 'Jim… I…'

Jim cut her off 'I know what you mean, don't worry about it, but you need to remember that Lindsey doesn't know anyone of this, she see's someone who cares for herself and her mother, someone who will give her a baby brother or sister, someone who she enjoys being around. It's natural for her to want to copy, don't be too hard on her ok, or on Sara' he patted her hand 'Shall we'

'Sure… let me get the bill' Catherine ran a hand through her hair

'Don't worry, I'll get it, you grab Lindsey and I'll meet you outside' Brass smiled

'Thanks'

Catherine walked towards the bathroom 'Lindzz Baby, you ready to go?'

'Yeah…' Lindsey mumbled as she finished drying her hands, and walked over to her mum.

'I really am sorry' she said again

'I know, don't worry about it Lindsey, really, I overreacted… so, you like Sara then?' she asked, hoping that a shift in conversation would help her to understand a little more.

'Yeah, I do, I know she's been poorly and stuff, but she's still a nice person'

'Yeah, she is' Catherine beamed, taking Lindsey's hand and leading her outside, closely followed by Brass who had paid the tab for the pizzas and drinks they had ordered.

As Catherine scanned the car park, she did a double take, much like Sara had done minutes before. Clearing her throat, she called out 'Ahem…. Boys… I think we're ready to go…'

Nick pulled away, flushed but grinning, as Greg just went beetroot red for being caught kissing Nick Stokes of all people. Luckily, Lindsey hadn't noticed, but Brass had, and he couldn't help the smirk that currently plastered his face.

'I believe you were my taxi Greggo, so, whenever you're ready…'

'Sure… where's Sara?' he questioned, stepping away from Nick

'Is she not out here already?' Catherine asked, looking at their cars, wondering if Sara had decided to wait inside one of them

'Nope… not that I know of anyways…' Greg blushed a little more.

'Well, you wouldn't would you, all distracted like that, I didn't know it was Hockey season' Brass smirked.

'Perhaps she's still in the bathroom?' he added, turning to Catherine

'Nope, Lindsey and I just came from there…'

All four of them sighed collectively, as realisation dawned

'Great…' Catherine mumbled sarcastically, kicking at some loose stones

'What's great Mum?' Lindsey asked, not picking up at the tone of voice

'Sara's gone walkabouts' Brass replied heavily.

Xxx

Thoughts? Review if you can, : )  
Hope all well wherever you are with C-19 going on.

Emz. X


	50. On a Park Bench

Sara was vaguely aware of where she was, but it didn't matter too much, she had been to the place she was heading so many times now, she could get there blindfolded. Several times she thought about turning back, or at least ringing someone to know where she was headed, but right now she just wanted to be alone. Still trying to shake off what had happened in the restaurant, Sara turned down a side road, her destination drawing nearer.

At last she reached the one spot that she knew could bring her comfort, even though it was the one spot that had changed her life all those months ago. Sitting down, she looked around, noting that even after all this time, not much had changed. Sighing, she took out her phone and dialled a number she hadn't in a long time. A number she didn't even know why she kept.

She was relieved when it was quickly answered, and taking a deep breath, she choked out the words she should have said a long time ok

'I'm sorry'

Xxx

'Do you think she could have gone to a bar or something?' Nick asked, voicing the thought that was on everyone's mind

Jim and Catherine shook their heads vehemently 'No…' Brass got out, though his voice sounded a little unsure 'No… Sara's come too far to do something like that…besides, she'd be sick as soon as she took the first sip'

'Well… perhaps she went because it's somewhere familiar… safe maybe?' Nick questioned 'Not to drink, but just somewhere that's been a constant for her…'

'No… No, I don't… I don't know' Catherine faltered, having no idea at all where Sara could have gone.

'Perhaps she went home?' Lindsey asked, not fully understanding why everyone was so worried.

'Maybe…' Brass looked in the direction of where Sara's apartment was, then towards the Lab, and then Catherine's house 'I think they're all too far for her to walk right now, and she wouldn't call a taxi…' Brass frowned 'I think we just need to give her sometime, she'll come back or call when she's ready… if she doesn't within 3 hours, we'll do something.'

'3 HOURS?!' Catherine shouted, not caring who was around 'Do you realise what could happen to her, what she could do to herself in 3 hours!'

'Cat…' Greg tried to place his hand on her shoulder, but she jerked away from it almost violently

'Mum…' Lindsey said, eyes wide, her voice timid 'I really am sorry…'

Catherine closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath 'I know you are sweetie, I'm just a bit worried about Sara right now… she isn't supposed to be alone right now'

'Oh…' Lindsey thought about it for a moment 'Perhaps she's with Uncle Gil, or perhaps she went to the park?'

'Yeah… maybe…' Catherine ran her hands through her hair.

'Mum, Sara isn't alone anyway, is she? She has lumpy with her, lumpy will protect her, just like she'll protect lumpy'

Everyone turned around to look at Lindsey, feeling utterly confused

'Who's Lumpy?' Catherine asked, somehow fearing the worst.

'Her baby' Lindsey rolled her eyes; not understanding how they didn't understand what she meant 'Her baby is called Lumpy'

Jim couldn't help but smile at this 'You're right Lindsey, Sara's not alone, when did you get so bright?'

Xxx

'I'm sorry' Sara repeated, trying not to cry, waiting for the voice on the other end to reply.

'I know…' the voice sighed 'I know you are Sara… I'm sorry too…' he paused, not knowing what to say for the best

'I don't want to be alone right now… can you…' Sara trailed off, not too sure how to ask for what she wanted. She knew it was long overdue, that it would do her good, but now that she was close, she just didn't know how to ask.

'Where are you?'

'Where this all started… where we first kissed' before waiting for a response, Sara hung up the phone, hoping that he would remember, that he would come.

Xxx

'Come on Lindzz, let's go home' Catherine said, smiling once again at her daughter's wisdom.

Before they left, Lindsey ran up to Greg, wrapping her arms tightly around his waist 'Don't tell anyone…' she mock whispered, knowing everyone could hear her regardless 'But you're my favourite'

Greg chuckled 'Yeah, don't tell anyone, but you're my favourite too' he mock whispered back

Stepping away, Lindsey walked over to the car, and got in, sensing that the adults needed a moment or two

'Catherine, Sara's going to be ok, she's got too much to lose to mess up now, just give her some time ok. You know since this whole thing started she's barely been left alone, just give her an hour or two.'

Catherine just nodded, smiling weakly, before getting in her car, and driving off.

'So…' Brass said, trying not to smirk 'Anything you want to tell me?' he asked, raising an eyebrow

'No' Greg mumbled, not daring to look at Nick right now, his emotions all over the place. He was still reeling from this kiss, from what had happened, and right now he just wanted to put distance between them, and if possible, forget that it had ever happened. But he knew, deep down, that that had been one of the reasons that Sara had walked off. It wasn't the only reason, but it was one of them. Walking out to see Greg and Nick kissing must have thrown her for a loop, despite knowing that Greg had feelings for the Texan. Feeling as if she couldn't interrupt them, she had just walked off instead, not able to face the alternative of going back in to Catherine. For this, Greg felt guilty. Getting into his car without another word, he started the engine, hoping Jim would get the hint, and no sooner had Brass closed the door behind him, Greg had sped off, leaving Nick alone in the car park.

'Fuck' he shouted, punching his car, the same thought's that Greg had running through his head.

Xxx

Sara lost track of time waiting, it could have been five minutes or five hours, she had no idea, but when someone called out her name, she didn't jump, didn't flinch, in fact she barely registered them. As they sat down next to her, she moved so she was curled up on the bench, her head resting in the persons lap, she began to cry.

'Hey… hey it's alright… it's alright…' the voice was calm, caring, not at all like it had been the last time they had spoken.

'I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry' Sara choked out again and again

'It's ok Sara, it's ok, let it all out…' Hank moved his hand, so it was wrapped around Sara's body, his other moving to play with the back of her ear, just like he had done when they were together, it was a motion that he knew soothed the brunette in his arms.

After a few minutes, Sara calmed down, wiping away at the last of the tears in her eyes, she sat up, looking a little embarrassed at her outburst

'Why don't you tell me what's going on?' Hank offered, taking her hand in his own, entwining their fingers.

'I keep fucking up Hank…' Sara paused, finding it difficult to formulate a sentence.

'I'm sorry I didn't tell you about that baby…'

Hank sighed, knowing it was his fault as much as her own that things had ended up like they had between them. He knew from the first crime scene they worked together, from the first attempted date, where Catherine had interrupted them with a severed finger on ice, and especially from the first time that they sat on this bench together in the park what he had been doing, but still, he had done it. He didn't really know why, couldn't fully explain it, and now he couldn't change it.

'I didn't deserve to know Sara, not after what I did…'

Sara cut him off 'It was your baby too, you should have known before it was too late, before I rang you too help me through the miscarriage because I was too scared… to drunk… 'She admitted 'to ask anyone else for help'

'Sara… you know it wasn't the drinking, you can't blame yourself, not for that'

Sara nodded, breathing in deeply 'I know… I think I knew it was going to happen the minute I was thrown in the air from the blast… I didn't know how to handle it, handle everything, I was still trying to get my head around the fact I was not only pregnant, I was alone. Drinking that beer was just another thing on the long list of things I did wrong'

Hank squeezed her hand tighter, not knowing what to say

'Do you ever wonder how life could be so different, right now, that we wouldn't be here, on this bench, if you hadn't kissed me all those months ago'

'Yeah… sometimes' Hank admitted 'But we can't change it Sara, so it's pointless trying to think otherwise.

'I know…'

'Why did you call me Sara, I mean, really call me?' Hank asked, turning to face her a little better

'I… I'm really struggling to move forward… before… before the incident, I didn't think I even wanted another baby, so when I lost it, I really really lost it… I started drinking even more, going out to clubs even more, sleeping around, becoming reckless, all because I felt guilty because of what had happened… how I had felt, how I was feeling… It only got worse as the due date came… I thought I'd sunk quite low before then, man I had no idea… I've buried one baby, lost another one, and now I'm struggling through a third pregnancy, and no matter what I do, I keep getting it wrong…'

Hank kept quiet, he had seen Sara in the hospital a few times, was even aware that she'd been in for 'detox' but he hadn't fully known why, and he hadn't wanted to ask, or pay too much attention to the gossip floating around, but before Sara even confessed to it, he knew it was true.

After a moment, he spoke up 'Sara…I'm not religious, you know I'm not, and you know I don't believe in fate or destiny or other such crap, but I do know that you'll make a great Mum, no matter what has happened in your past, no matter what you've done before, no matter how this third chance happened, but that's just it Sara, it's a third chance, the only way you'll fuck this up is if you stop caring… stop trying. If drinking and sleeping around is more important to you, then you wouldn't have been in the hospital, you wouldn't have phoned me, you wouldn't be reacting and acting like you are now. Yes Sara, you lost a baby, we lost a baby, but we can't change that, all you can do now, is to focus on getting better, on looking after the baby you have growing inside you now. It doesn't matter who the father is, if he's around or not, because I know how you guys at the lab work, and I know you won't be alone. I see it in their eyes every time I work a scene with them, and I saw it in Catherine's eyes the day I came by the lab.' Hank wrapped his arm tighter around Sara's shoulder, pulling her closer.

'I'm sorry I wasn't there for you after what happened Sara, and I'm sorry that I lied to you about Elaine, but I'm not sorry for kissing you, for being with you… I've been thinking… since I saw you last…a lot actually, this past year or so… I don't know if you'd want too or not, but perhaps we could do something, for the baby…'

Sara couldn't help but start crying again, burying her head into Hanks shoulder 'I would have named the baby Iris, or Henry…'

'Henry… after my Granddad… and Iris, after your social worker as a kid'

'Yeah…' Sara couldn't help but laugh 'Yeah, crazy isn't it'

'No, not at all, I think their great names… Sara… I… I know you didn't look… couldn't face it… but I… I saw, and… well then I ran a test, before… it was a boy'

Sara smiled 'Henry…' pushing herself up a little bit more; Sara once again wiped the tears away

'Where… where…' she couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence

'Don't get mad… but, ummm… here, actually… he's right here… it's odd, he was smaller than a kiwi, I didn't know what else to do…I'd never seen something so small before…' Hank sighed 'After what happened, when you were sleeping, I cleaned up, but I couldn't bring myself to just… just throw it, throw him out… I'd only known for a few hours, but I just… I can't explain it Sara… so I bought it all here, wrapped up in those damn towels, and I buried it just under the tree next to us…'

Surprising them both, Sara leant over and kissed his cheek. 'Thank you' she mumbled against his skin, before pulling back again.

Turning she looked at the tree, noticing how it had grown a couple of feet since they had first come here. 'Perhaps… perhaps we could get one of those little plaque things, for the bench?' Sara suggested shyly

'I'd like that' Hank agreed 'And I think he would too…'

'Hank?' Sara asked after a few minutes of silence 'Do you think you could drive me home, please?'

'Sure…' Hank smiled, feeling lighter than he had done in a long time. It had done them both good to finally talk about it, to lay their demons to rest at long last.


	51. Safety

Sara opened the door to her flat quietly, unsure really how long she had been out, if Brass would be there or not, if he would even be awake. She knew she should have phoned, but the rest of the time with Hank had been in silence, both of them thinking of what they had lost, and what it had driven Sara too do.

Putting her keys down on the counter, Sara put the kettle on, sighing. She should have dealt with it better, the outburst from Lindsey, the reaction from Catherine, everything, but she hadn't. It was just one more thing that she couldn't change. Sensing Brass sat on the sofa, she pulled a second mug down, poured him a tea, and then after handing it too him, sat quietly on the sofa next to him. For a while, neither of them spoke, not knowing what to say. Eventually Brass spoke up

'So, Nick and Greg hey… I really didn't see that coming…'

Sara couldn't help but smile 'Yeah… Um… Greg told me the other day he liked him, wanted my help with it… I had no idea Nick felt the same, last I heard he was after that chick from the Deli…' putting her mug down, she pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. 'I saw Hank' she quietly confessed, but didn't elaborate further.

Brass nursed his own cup, deciding to stay quiet. He knew Sara would talk again when she was ready too, if he'd learnt anything, it was not to rush her.

'Hank was there, that night, when I lost the baby… I called him, when I started to bleed…since then, I've avoided him completely, if he's been at a scene, I've left… he came to see me, on the anniversary, wanted to make sure I was alright… I…I think I would have gone to that nightclub anyway, whether he showed up or not, but I do know that before I saw him all I was looking for was to get drunk… I'd already slept with someone the night before, I don't normally sleep with someone else again so soon… it doesn't matter anyway, I can't blame him, and I can't change it, I should stop dwelling on it… I can't help thinking though, if it wasn't for that night, in the hotel…if Rose hadn't died, if Catherine hadn't shown up, would I even know I'm pregnant now? I've barely got any symptoms, the symptoms I did have I put down to the drinking, my bad health… not even the missed periods clued me in, they hadn't been right since… since the explosion…' Sara paused 'I just don't know anymore… I know until this evening that I never really talked to Hank about it… I know I've spoken to You and Cat, the Doctors… but I think I should have spoken to Hank a long time ago.'

Sara got up, picking up the empty tea mugs, walking into the kitchen area.

'I know I overreacted back when we were all having dinner, that I shouldn't have walked off, that I shouldn't be looking for excuses to justify my behaviour, but, I'm actually really glad what happened this evening happened… I just don't know how to explain it to Catherine'

'Did you know, when you left, you'd call Hank?' Brass asked, deciding to remain seated, when he was met with nothing but silence, he knew that Sara's answer was no

'So, why did you leave?'

Again, only silence greeted him

'Sara?' he asked again 'Why did you leave?'

'I didn't… not at first… honestly, at first mother nature got the better of me, I swear my bladder has shrunk! I… I just needed a minute or two, to compose myself, then I went outside, thought I'd wait by the cars, but then I saw Nick and Greg together… and, I don't know… I just started walking away. I already felt bad enough that I had ruined dinner, I didn't want to ruin that too.'

Jim nodded his head knowingly, and then stood up 'But you didn't ruin dinner sweetie, it wasn't your fault at all that Lin…' Sara cut him off 'Yes, it was Jim, I'm supposed to be setting an example to her, I'm going to be a Mother, I forgot she was even there, I was so wrapped up in myself… it scared me, then to hear her say what she did, that she wants to be like me…' Sara spun around, turning her back to Jim, unable to look at him.

Brass took a few tentative steps towards her, placing his hand on her shoulder, glad when she didn't pull away

'I'm going to tell you, what I told Catherine, Lindsey doesn't know what happened to you, she doesn't understand the struggles that you have been through, that you are going through, all she sees is someone who cares for her mother, for herself, someone that will give her a little brother or sister, someone who was a kind heart, and a kinder soul, and someone who has been sad, but is still wonderful. Lindsey doesn't know that you've turned to alcohol, sex, self-harm, any of that, so don't for one minute think that that's what she meant, because it wasn't. She wants to be like you Sara, because you're a great person, and you're someone who sees her as Lindsey Willows, a bright young girl, not Catherine's annoying daughter. Stop beating yourself up because some little girl likes you Sara, and start realising how wonderful you are' Brass left his hand on her shoulder for a moment longer, and then stepped away.

'Call Catherine, at least let her know you're ok, everyone got really worried to see you'd left… then try and get some sleep ok, I'll call work and let them know we're both having the night off, ok?'

Sara nodded, waiting for Jim to step a bit further away, before turning and heading to her bedroom. Pulling out her phone, she opened it and typed out a message

'Hey Guys… sorry 4 taking off, I went for a walk 2 the park… cleared my head, resolved a few issues… see u both soon, Sx' she sent it to both Greg and Nick, quickly adding a P.S to Greg's message

'I'll ring u later, if u like, let's talk about what I saw… hope ur ok Greggo…'

Shedding her clothes, Sara settled herself under the blankets, before pulling out her phone again, and dialling Catherine's number. Hearing the click of the phone being answered, she began to talk before Catherine even had chance

'I'm sorry Cat, I'm really sorry… I didn't mean to worry you' she waited for a reply, but there was none

'I um…' Sara faltered 'I needed to clear my head… I went to the park…' Sara carried on talking, hoping that Catherine was listening to her 'I um… I saw Hank actually… I really needed to talk to him about the miscarriage…he um… he told me it was a boy… his name would have been Henry… please believe me when I say I don't blame you for what happened… but I realised, not just today, but since this first happened I guess… I… I wouldn't change it… any of it… I can't change it, so I should stop trying, stop wishing I could… all I know, is right now, I'm in love with you, deeply, madly, in love with you, and I want this to work, more than anything… I don't want to screw my life up again, I don't want to screw up being a parent again… I just know, that if you were with me, I couldn't… I… you make me feel like a better person Cat… between you and Brass, I actually feel… safe…' Sara fall quiet, wanting, hoping, that Catherine would say something, anything.

'I love you too Sara' Catherine whispered. Sara couldn't help the grin that broke over her face hearing those five little words.

'Dad… Jim, told me what he told you, about Lindsey… I'm sorry I reacted like I did, I think I just got scared… I'm only just getting my head around the fact that I'm pregnant, but I'm also going to be some kind of figure in Lindsey's life… I didn't think about how my actions might rub off on her…how she'd want to copy me… I forgot, I think we both forgot, that Lindsey only knows the bare minimum… so yeah, when she said she wanted to be like me, I panicked… and I'm sorry…that's not what adults too… it's not what parents do… I… I'd understand if you don't want me to spend any time with Lindsey… with you… I just… I wanted to say I'm sorry… to explain what was going through my head… '

'Sara… Sara stop' Catherine cut in. 'I reacted badly too… I'm… I'm just glad you're ok… it scared me, not knowing where you were… but you're right, you're an adult, and so I need to treat you as such, you shouldn't have to tell someone where you are at every second of the day, but you do need to tell me, someone, when things are getting hard for you… I'd hate for you to take a step back in your progress… I…' Catherine took a deep breath 'I was worried you'd do something stupid honey' she admitted

'You thought I'd go to a bar?' Sara questioned, her voice even, understanding.

'Yeah… for a second, I did, but I know you'd never do anything to hurt Lumpy as Lindsey informs us the baby is called…' Catherine chuckled slightly 'It was… it was actually Lindsey's wisdom, once again, that relaxed us…I panicked because you were alone, and well… you know what the Doctor said, but Lindsey told us you weren't alone, you were with Lumpy, and that Lumpy would protect you, and you'd protect them…and she was right.'

Sara chuckled herself, her hand moving to rest over her belly, rubbing small circles over it

'Yeah, she was right'

Xxxx

a/n yay, 2 chapters in a few hours! More soon, I hope. Hope you're all still enjoying it. Hoping the next chapters will be a bit more involved, and bit longer, but right now my own lumpy bump is making me tired, and I could do with some sleep.


	52. Advice

a/n sorry it's been a while, I've either been working, or exhausted growing my own lumpy, so have been doing very little on my days off, and then there were a few days when I was without a computer. Hope this update is ok, please let me know what you think. Thanks, emz.

Xxxx

Soon after Sara ended the call with Catherine, she fall into a deep sleep, lost to the world, for once her night went un-plagued with Bad dreams, and she woke up nearly 7 hours later. Reaching for her phone she dialled the number for the hospital, and arranged an extra appointment. Stretching, she rubbed her belly, and then headed to the shower, washing away the heaviness of sleep. It was a new day, an almost new slate. Stepping out of the shower, Sara dried herself off, before picking up a pot of moisturizer and soothing it over her skin, especially around her belly and chest, knowing it would help with any stretch marks she may get.

Dressing in a pair of comfy trousers and a loose top, Sara walked back into her bedroom, and once again picker up her phone, dialling Greg's number.

'Hello' came the sleepy answer

'Hello Stud' Sara answered back, her voice bright, she could just imagine Greg curled under the covers, trying to keep a straight face

'Hey…' Sara heard a rustling, as Greg sat up in bed

'I see you don't need my help anymore amigo' Sara smiled, deciding on focusing on the good that had come out of their time at the shooting range and pizza planet.

Greg sighed, running a hand through his hair 'Yeah… Guess not. I'm sorry Sara…'

'Don't be' she cut him off 'Why should other people suffer just because I'm in a bad place'

'True, but we all should have dealt with it differently Sara…'

'Yes, but we didn't and we can't change that now' she cut him off again

'Anyways…' she added after a short silence 'What happened afterwards?'

'Nothing… after we realised you'd walked off, the moment was gone, and I felt guilty, so I drove off, haven't spoken to Nick since, I don't know how too. I don't know why he did it, what it meant to him, if anything… I know there was tension between us at the range, but I thought he was into that chick from the deli, I thought he was straight…'

'Yet you still developed a crush on him, still asked me to see about setting the two of you up, if you really thought you had no chance you wouldn't be thinking of him like that Greggo'

'Are you going to keep cutting…'

'Yes, I'm going to keep cutting you off when you say stupid things Greg, deal with it, and deal with Nick. I've been with him, a few times, to be honest, sure, he's had casual sex before, drunken sex, sex after a hard day at work, but one thing he's never done, at least with me, is to kiss me like that Greggo. Talk to him, hell, kiss him again if you have to, but don't ignore it, I've ignored things like that in the past, and look where it got me. Years of awkward friendship and facing them nearly every day at work…it sucks G'

Greg furrowed his brow 'Wait… you and Nick?'

'Yes, Me and Nick, Me and Cat, hell, all three of us, Me and Grissom, Me and Hank, hell I've even kissed Warrick, but never slept with him, Countless others, I sleep around Greg. Always have. I've never regretted it, but I could have dealt with it a lot better than I did, why do you think Griss and I have the awkward friendship that we do? I snuck out before he woke up, and until the other day, we'd never talked about it. Do you really want that to be your future with Nick? Oh and Greg, stop imagining things that will never happen, I'm not up for another threesome' with that Sara hung up the phone, knowing Greg was speechless on the other side.

Whilst talking, she hadn't noticed Brass in the door way, mouth hanging open.

a/n

Once again, sorry it's been a while, I've become a bit…unstuck with this to be honest, so please please, if you have any suggestions, to tell me. I wonder if the story is going a little slow, and perhaps I should move it on a few weeks or something?

In the meantime I've been updating a story a started years ago called SMALL , I'd really love it if you read/reviewed that perhaps, whilst I mull over this story a little more in my head. Thanks again, Emz.

Please let me know what you think, good or bad! X


	53. 3 Weeks Later

It had been nearly 3 weeks since the incident at the pizza place, and Sara had been going for a counselling session or check up almost every other day. She had fallen into a good routine at work, and had connected a further 4 cases, and solved 3 cold ones. It wasn't the pace she normally worked at, but cold cases never played out quickly. Still she was happy to have made some progress, and allowed those few victims the chance to move on, at long last.

Sara had also managed to spend less time with the constant company of others. Brass was now only staying 4 nights a week, depending if Sara spent any of them with Catherine. However the schedule worked out, Sara was happy, and safe, to be able to spent one or two nights alone a week.

The subtlety of the baby moving inside of her sporadically helped her to feel not so alone too.

Walking into the hospital for another ultra sound and to get the results of her latest blood test, Sara felt as if almost nothing could touch her.

'Hi Sara… ready?' Eloise asked, gesturing for Sara to hop up onto the bed

'Yeah…'

Eloise smiled 'Gonna be cold' she warned Sara for the umpteenth time about the gel she would need to put over her belly.

'How have you been the past couple of days?'

'Yeah… ok'

'Still keeping up with your meds?' Eloise asked, whilst taking various measurements of the wiggling baby growing inside of Sara.

'Yeah… Yeah'

'And you still feel ok on them, no side effects or…'

'No, no signs of serotonin yet…'

'Good… Well, baby is looking good, very active today which is always a good sign'

Sara smiled. Although she was feeling a lot more positive about the whole thing, she still had a hard time looking at the screen during the ultrasound process, instead more often than not waiting until she was given a photograph at the end. She now had nearly 50 of them, all dated, showing the slow but steady growth and progress of the life inside of her.

'Good, well, you are now 16 weeks pregnant and all is looking well. I'd like to keep you on the medication you are on, as long as you don't get side effects, for another 4 weeks, then we can either see about reducing the dosage or changing the tablets…'

Sara nodded in understanding, wiping the excess gel off of her stomach.

'Thanks'

'Anything you want to talk about whilst you're here Sara?' Eloise offered

'No… No, I'm in a good place right now…'

'Ok. I've got your blood tests here… all looking good except for your vitamin d levels have dropped a little again, so I'll write you up a stronger prescription for that. Everything else looks good. Try and get a bit more sun if you can… natural vitamins are always better than supplements… I'll see you again in 6 days, as I have some days off, but Sylvia can see you in 3 days. It's up to you if you want to see her, or if you're happy to wait?'

Sara thought about it for a moment or two 'I'd like to see Sylvia. I don't think I should cut back on the help or treatment just yet'

Xxx

Sara walked into the CSI building, a small smile gracing her face as she felt the butterfly kicks in stomach once more. It wouldn't be long until she would see the team, and more importantly, see Catherine. Heading to the break room, she headed straight for her coffee pot – a second one to be used for decaf only, had been bought for her – and set about making a fresh batch.

Greg walked in soon after, whistling.

'Greggo…' Sara beamed

'Don't ask. Don't tell… that's the motto right?' Greg said, a huge smile on his face as he winked at her.

Sara's mouth fall open a little 'You mean…'

Greg let out a little huff of laughter 'No, get your head out of the gutter. We did go on a date last night though, and we did kiss…' Greg's face took on a dreamy look.

'Yeah? I want details…' Sara almost demanded, beaming brightly.

Just as Greg was about to fill her in, the rest of the team filled in, and they both fall silent.

Catherine sauntered up to Sara, placing a kiss on her cheek, pouring them both out some coffee, and then she leant against the counter next to Sara. Nick took a seat on the smaller sofa, and after a moment's hesitation Greg sat next to him, whilst Warrick and Grissom sat at the table.

'Ok, assignments' Grissom started, shuffling through the slips of paper in his hand.

'Double homicide in palm springs…Catherine, take Warrick. B and E, local jewellery store, Nick, then when you're done, drop of your evidence for Greg to look at, and head out to a trash run at the silver tree motel.' Grissom handed out the slips, and then turned his attention to Sara.

'Up for some field work Sara? I have an RTA I could use some help with… I know you like working with cars… what do you say?'

Everyone turned their attention to the brunette, who swallowed a few times, trying to curb the nerves that were seeping into her body 'I'd… I'd…' she paused, swallowed again 'Sure' she said with a smile 'Ripping a car apart sounds ideal right about now. You know me and power tools!'

'Excellent. Gear up; we leave in ten minutes'

'Ok' Sara nodded eagerly, grateful and excited to be given the opportunity.

It was a good day for Sara indeed.

Xxx

Sorry it's been… forever! If I haven't been busy with work, I've been exhausted or working on others stories. Sorry for keeping you waiting, and sorry it's a short chapter. Just feeling my way back into writing this. Thank you for still reading if you've got this far.

Reviews and input always appreciated. Thanks again, Emz xx


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